please help

[missmorrison]

Ok i'm 17 years old, and I'm living with my mum and gran. My mum has a serious Drinking problem( when i say serious) i mean serious, she is in alot of debt, she says shes going to kill herself, and before she my gran went into hospital she said to gran i hope you die. There is alot more serious stuff going on. Its more than a drinking problem, she needs SERIOUS help :( I cant cope anymore, She hurts me so much, I've told her to go for help she really needs it, she harasses my friends, and when i poured her drink away( the reason i did was because she was hurting my friend real bad) I thought this is beyond of joke. I've stayed with my friends but i cant keep staying with them its not fair for them having to get into all this. She has been abusing the hospital staff and the hospital phoned up my doctor which my doctor sent me a letter to see her. I went to see her( But i had no clue it was about this) But i did make an appinment about that same Subject. wow!! But when i went to see her, I told her everything and i said my mum needed help. And she said  " your mum has to come to us for help" But she won't thats the problem. And people have said put in for your own house, But i cant i'm not ready not even yet, But i cant deal with it anymore :( I want her to get help I need serious advice i'm really upset and i dont know what to do. I've done all this for nearly 2 years trying to get help and I cant. And all my family live in Canada so i cant go and stay with my family. Is there any specailist i can contact? Sorry about my spelling and sorry if this is in the wrong section..

[FriaryGrad]

Hello Miss Morrison - it's a good thing to write down what's going on with you, and I'm so glad you did. That's a very good start. It sounds like you have an awful lot going on in your life, which in itself can be so disorienting that it's hard to know where to start, so you can get on with resolving your situation. As I read your note, I saw some "action items" (things you seem to think you have to do, or that might actually need doing) and some "emotional items" that need to be sorted out asap, but not before you're emotionally prepared to do so -- until then they can just "float,"

You say your mum has the disease of alcoholism. So do I. Once I was in the hospital; twice I was in a 28 day in-patient rehab center. I haven't had a drink in almost 4 years, and have totally resumed a full, "normal" life.  It took time and I'm still an alcoholic, just a non-drinking one.  I've done some of the things your saying your mum's done. It quite possible to be restored to sanity; that I promise you.  

Her alcoholism is something you can acknowledge, including the fact that it altering her personality in ways you find frightening.  If it helps you to cope, and not feel so all alone, remember me and all the other alcoholics who post on this board.  As far as your mum, neither you nor anyone else can "fix" her alcoholism for her.  You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it Tell your gran that, too. However, since she is threatening to kill herself, an action item for you might be to contact law enforcement and share your fear that your mum might really harm herself.  At your age they may be willing to get involved, especially if your other resources to deal with her are very limited. Ask if they have a "community policing" or victim's assistance officer.  You don't need to call 9ll (or 999).  

Next, since your mum has gone to the hospital but is still refusing help, what are you thinking YOU can do?  Not really anything, right? So might it be more productive in the long run for you to take dealing with your mum's alcoholism through you doctor or her  doctor off your "action items" list. Unless it helps YOU, it would seem the doctors need to be concerned with your mum. If a doctor offers you emotional support however, you might want to give very serious to taking it.  Even if you're thinking "I'm not the alcoholic" or "what can they do for me?" the truth of the matter is you won't know unless you go.  you can always stop going.

One thing you might want to put on your list of action items is daily prayer, asking God to give you strength and the wisdom to be patient while your mum takes steps to get help from professionals. If you're thinking "but I'm not particularly religious, don't worry about it.  God is religious enough for both of you -- just pray.  If you don't no how, write back and I will give you some suggestions from the Bible.

Your mum's treatment of your gran and the hospital staff is due to her alcoholism.Don't give another thought to the hospital.  They've seen a lot of us, and know exactly what to do.  If your gran isn't familiar with alcoholism, let her know. Then you need to take both yourself and your gran to the next Al-Anon meeting in your area. The reason Al-Anon exists is to help families and friends of alcoholics. The alcoholic needn't have an affiliation with AA herself -many family members go to AA because their loved-one won't go to AA.  If you need transportation to get there, call the AA central office in your area, and see if they have a list of folks willing to give rides.  If they don't, see if they will give you the phone numbers of locations where Al-Anon meetings are held -- it could be AA "clubhouses" or local churches.  If you call the meeting location shortly before the time the Al-Anon meeting is scheduled to start, there are usually people there waiting for the meeting, and they may be able to help.  If finances are an issue, you might also try a church in your area,or even the Salvation Army. Just don't give up until you make the right connection.  

Another "action item," you say, might be finding another place to live, if you can't lower the anxiety caused by living with your mom. That's a difficult issue to address from afar, but if you'll reach out to the many support groups for families dealing with an alcoholic, you can probably get valuable advice about your living situation.  I'm not sure if you're asking for a specialist for your mom, or for yourself.  It sounds like your mom needs to be working  with an addiction specialist, and going to AA.  If she needs to chemically detox from alcohol, there are public detox facilities in almost every city.  Sometimes there is a waiting list for a bed, and it that's the case, put her on the waiting list, or ask her doctor to do it.  

As hard as it might be, it might help you to make a list that sorts "things to think about" from "things to do.,"  and then further refine your list with further sorting;  "things to about later," and "things to do later."  It might turn out that there aren't many (if any) things you have to think about or do until you've gotten some help from others who know exactly what you're going through.

I hope this isn't too much help and advice.  It's just things for you to think about, not things I promise will work.  Please keep me posted, and know that I will be praying for you every morning and every night -- and I'm a really good prayer.  I KNOW that you're going to find that when you reach out to others for help, not only are you going to get help from most of the people you ask, you're going to see how happy they are that you asked for their help.  Your gift to the "helping community" is letting the community help out, and feel needed.  It is NOT an imposition.  Marcie