does my child have autism or asperger's syndrome

[scared791]

My son is 4 1/2 years old I am very concerned about him because at school he does not have any interest in making friends with other children, he does not respond to the teacher most of the time and does not want to participate. He also has trouble writing letters and does not want to do it. At home however he is very different. He has no language delay and is very good with words. He is very loving to his baby sister. He also has mood swings, cant sit for very long and has a tremendous amount of energy. He is a poor eater and only wants to eat junk food. He has a fixation with anything electronic like light bulbs, satellite dishes,etc. He is good playing one on one with another child but hates crowds like a lot of children at a party. He also throws tantrums. He has never been around children prior to starting pre -k and has always been around adults. He has been extremely spoiled since birth because he was the only child in the family prior to the birth of my daughter. He has also had to deal with a lot of changes in his life at a very young age. His father and I faught constantly which he saw, then we split up. He does see his father on a regular basis and has a good relationship with him. However, I am now with someone else who is the father of my newborn and lives with us. I need to know if my sons behavior is a result of all of the changes in his life or if it could be something else like autism or adhd. Please help. Thank you.

[Sally44]

If you go to the autism forum you can access the Health Page, the icon is on the top right hand side of the forum page.  I have posted the diagnostic critieria (DSM IV) for autism and some parents have posted examples of their child's behaviour so that you have examples of the behaviour that fits the criteria.  
That page is for autism.  If your son has no language delay then a diagnosis (if any) would probably be Aspergers.  So you can google DSM IV for Aspergers and see the difference.  But the Health Page might be useful to give you examples.
Because autism and aspergers are spectrum disorders, it means they vary from severe to very mild.  Some children may not have enough of the charteristics in all the sections to even get a diagnosis, or they might get a diagnosis of PDD NOS, or they may be told their child has autistic traits.  I am saying that because it is not true that children on the spectrum do not have emotions or empathy or a sense of humour or theory of mind.  Some might not, but some definately do although it might not be all the time and they may have problems monitoring what is happening in their environment and with other people when they are focused on something.  Ie. they can be totally unaware of what is going on, but if the situation is explained to them they may be perfectly capable of reacting appropriately.
Children on the spectrum can also be hyperactive and have problems with paying attention and focus (yet they have a huge amount of attention and focus for the things they are interested in), but so can children with ADD or ADHD.  Do you suspect your child has any sensory issues, eg. sensitive to noise, touch, problems with hair/nails being cut, fabrics and clothes tags, appears deaf, appears not to feel pain, complains of smells or tastes, spins/flaps or seeks movement?  If so please post back and I will give you some more info.  An Occupational Therapist would deal with sensory issues.  Problems with handwriting are also common for those on the spectrum.
Your post describes a child who is having difficulties at school with paying attention or maybe understanding what is expected of him.  He may have problems following instructions or sequencing tasks.  Most children on the spectrum need the teacher to address them by name and give them instructions.  They don't understanding that general class instructions also includes them.
Having tantrums, getting very upset/angry is also typical of an autistic spectrum disorder.  That might be due to change or being asked to stop playing because it is time for tea, or not being able to predict an outcome and therefore refusing to co-operate.
Mood swings are also common and so are fixations on certain things as well as a restricted area of interest and their interests can be to the level of obsession.
Some children may have a need for routines and rituals and may get very upset if things are done differently because they will think you have done it wrong.
Because an autistic spectrum disorder as part of the diagnosis includes difficulties with social interaction and understanding another person's point of view, that can mean the child can appear selfish or self centred.  They aren't, because you need to have an awareness of other peoples needs/feelings etc and still want only your own way to be called selfish.  If you have trouble understanding other peoples needs, intentions, feelings etc then all you can react to his your own needs and desires.
My son is diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder.  One therapy I have found very useful is Play Therapy.  You might consider it for your son on two levels.  Firstly, through play, your son will become able to express his feelings about past experiences.  This is obviously something that concerns you.  I have found a Play Therapy group who have experience of working with autistic children.  They also use play not just as a therapy to uncover emotions, they use child directed play where the child is in control of the play and the therapist complies with the child's requests and they also narrate the emotions the child expresses.  This style of play has helped my son become more confident in playing with others and given him confidence to take control and direct the play.  Narrating on the emotions expressed during play helps my son understand his feelings and what they represent to him and other people.
I think an experienced play therapist might help you tease out behaviours that are due to past experiences as opposed to behaviours that are due to something else like aspergers for example.
If you want your child to be assessed for autism/aspergers the first stop would be your doctor or paediatrician.  Ask for a multi-disciplinary team assessment by professionals who are experienced in diagnosing autistic spectrum disorders.  I think you are rightly concerned and need to know if your son is on the spectrum.  I would also advise you to read up about the condition and start to make notes of any behaviours you think your son does that meet the diagnostic criteria.
Sometimes the assessment is pretty straight forward and you get an answer from all the professionals that agrees with your feelings as well.  Sometimes you may need to ask for a second opinion.  But seeing professionals who deal with autistic children every day is very important because sometimes the charteristics are there but are very subtle.
Even if your child is on the spectrum it sounds like he is on the milder side, but getting a diagnosis is an important step in getting the right level and the right kind of supports that your son needs.  Again, in some cases the support just falls into place.  In other cases you may have to fight quite hard to get supports for your child.  That is why it is very important to find out as much about the condition as you can yourself.
If you do get a diagnosis, I would recommend getting in touch with a parent support group and also somekind of parent advocacy service that can inform you of what you and your sons rights are so that you know what kind of services/supports should be provided.
Hope that helps.