No emotion

[kieralong]

I want to feel no emotion. I hate people, I really do. In all my life there has not been one single genuine person who I have made friends with. I am 23 and at the end of my tether. Recently I was ripped off for a small fortune by my 'best friend' it would so happen that at the same time the other girl in my life started ignoring me. I have no idea what I have done but this is enough. I cannot take anymore. I well up at everything and i feel I am a failure at everything. Everything I do and decide is wrong, I don't think i have ever made a good decision. I want to kill myslef but I am too scared, and this makes me feel like a coward.

[el_dave]

I hate people too, but there's not a person I hate. You're not a coward for not killing yourself, it's just wisdom. It's more cowardly to off yourself than not. I've been so ready to leave this life for so long, but I've figured out that I'll be leaving eventually whether I want to or not, so why rush the inevitable? Might as well suffer through it until living is no longer an option, since the coming of that time is one thing we can be sure of.

Anyway, before accepting defeat, you might try change. Get to Orlando or Miami and fly from there to Puerto Rico. Things are utterly different there. In my opinion they're better, but whether better or not, at least it's a major change. Offing one's self is also a major change, but a permanent one. Since that's such a major change, may as well try some less drastic changes first.

I hope things get better for you, man. Things haven't gotten any better for me, not really, but I'm just not going to worry about it any more. Que será será, you know? The only person you can count on is yourself.. and even that's a maybe. Relying on other people to be straight with you is a losing proposition. Better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised once in a while. Things are better on the beach.

-El Dave

[seven327]

I feel the same as you do. I as well have problems with friends thankfully none have ripped me off...I just mostly don't have any lol.. just acquaintances and the ones that are potentially friends, seem to do things to **** me off and make me not want to be there friends.

For instance one tries to discipline my son even though im right there in the middle of discipling him and she tries to punish him like he is a eight year old even though he is only 3. The other one well lets say makes bad decisions and there is a lot of things we don't agree on...some big stuff

Depressed well thats something im working on..by exercise...constantly reminding myself not to sweat the small stuff and tea..its working enough to get me bye.

Sorry there is not much helpful wisdom in my response but sometimes I find it helps to find someone who kinda feels like you do..so hopefully this does that for y

best wishes and prayers for better times for both of you.

[lonewolf07]

Anger is an emotion.

I've tried suicide and even failed at that.  I know I'll try it again because I feel so bad - sad and angry at the same time.

I've had "friends" who have dumped me for no reasons I can think of and a family who doesn't give a sh** about me

Don't think I'm making fun of you - I'm not - but I would suggest getting a cat or dog.  They love us conditionally, just give them food, water, treats and attention and you belong to them.  Cat/dogs don't play mind games, borrow money, say hurtful things, argue, act abusive - they just give you everything they can.  One of my cats, Icepick, noticed I was really down awhile ago.  When I went to bed, I couldn't find him but got into bed anyways.  There in the middle of my bed was a mouse head!!!!  Icepick appeared, began purring and giving me headbutts.  The mouse head was a present to help me feel better.  When he thought I didn't feel so bad, he ate it.  Sounds stupid in writing but that's what he did - he gave - it doesn't matter what he gave, it was the thought behind it.

You have to do what is best for you and put everyone else out of your head.

I don't know how this will come across because I have a real problem with men - I don't like most of them.  They call US "drama queens"  lol  But your message transcended personal feelings.  Look after yourself.

wolf and Icepick

[el_dave]

"I know I'll try it again"?? Will you come see me first? What have you got to lose? You might have a great deal to gain. If it comes to that, I'll ride up to the border and get you if necessary. Please?

-El Dave
(Who reallyreallyreally wants you around)

[kieralong]

Wow,

Its just nice to know that there re people who feel the same as me. I had a terrible day today, I can't stop crying and I couldn't talk for a few hours becuase my throat was so tight. I am so alone right now- my boyfriend keeps telling me things will get better and that I need to follow my 'path'. I don't know but this supposed 'path' sounds like horse **** to me. It seems like everyone is moving up and on in life and I am stuck in a rutt with over-feeling about everyone and everything. BTW I am in England, not the States, people re different here, way more cold...

Thank you for all your support- on a brighter note- and I have two cats, they haven't given me any gifts but they tell me they love me in different ways. I wish people could be as easy to know as cats.

One more thing to post is that I had a strnge feeling today when I left the house, I couldn't look anyone is the eye and I felt like I didn't want to go outside as other people were there, and I can't stand people, I hope this feeling goes but for the moment, I am staying put with the kitties and laptop,

night for now

[lonewolf07]

A lot of us are suicidal; mostly to kill the pain.  I've felt suicidal since I was a child.  But you articulated how you felt and painful as it is, it's a small step to healing (however you define healing).  I've had a lot of setbacks; it's part of being human.  Sometimes I even talk about it to el_dave, who also responded to your post.  He is a person you can trust. For those who have never understood suicide, I think they can be caring but don't know the endless black pit of despair we feel.  I wouldn't want them to know either.  Sometimes all we can do is hang on.  When I first came here to MH, I was suicidal but fortunate to have found people who didn't judge me for it and that in itself was extremely helpful.  And feeling suicidal doesn't necessarily mean we're going to do it.

Your b/f is right about things getting better but right now I don't think that's what you want to hear.  There are times when all I do is cry; sometimes I wake up crying.  Mother Nature didn't give us tear ducts for nothing.  I don't know how your b/f defines "path" but in our Native ceremonies, we define "path" as how we travel through our lives - in body, mind, emotions and spirit.

Just a thought - I've never seen an animal commit suicide - or wage war, rape, steal, etc.  Says something about the myth of humans being at the top of the totem pole.

Your cat hasn't given you anything?  Maybe that's better than finding a mouse head in your bed.  That sure scared the depression away.  He - the cat  - seems to think giving me mouse bits shows he cares.  Yes, too bad people weren't as easy to understand as cats and dogs.  Most of the folks at MH are caring and supportive but there are a few bottomfeeders as well - not many but some. I'd rather be in a room with a pack of rabid rottweillers than with a lot of nasty people (not MH people).

That feeling you mentioned about going outside and not being able to look into someone's eyes - sounds a little bit the the beginning of agoraphobia - but I could be wrong.  Awhile ago there was a discussion about it in the Anxiety Forum, it's a real problem and related to depression and anxiety.

Sometimes it's better to give in to your feelings and stay in with your cats.  Do you have any pictures of them?  I'd love to see them.  There is a picture of mine in my profile and if you click on the picture, it will enlarge and you can see them more clearly.  One has passed on but maybe you can pick out Icepick, terror of the mouse world or Pond Scum who is 23 yrs old.

Hugs and good thoughts to you.  Please don't try to commit suicide without coming here first.  There is always someone who will understand and talk to you.

Hugs to you and your cats, along with some hairballs  and a milkbone from my cats and dogs ....

[MJIthewriter]

YOU'RE LIFE IS WOTH FIGHTING FOR!!!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN4xuFGMbJA

Seriously there were dark times in my life at the end of high scholl I suffered a bout of depression and was welcoming the thought of dying and ending my life, only I was too scared to die a painful death... But this song came to mind and helped me. I also hung on because I felt if I died then who would finish the story I have going on in my head.  In time those feelings passed and I'm glad I didn't end my life...

Feelings are good. At times I've wanted to feel no emotion, but in realitiy it's the negative emotions I don't want to feel, but that's part of being human. Focus on the good and the happy times.

[DizzyDolly]

One thing I tell myself is there are people out there who want me to feel like **** so why should i give them what they want. Hard to do but telling myself that helps. I hope u won't waste ur life cos of how some horrible people make u feel (if i sound like im patronising wats making u feel bad rite now I don't mean to sorry). Even if ur b.f doesn't seem to understand wat ur going thru rite now, it sounds like he cares about u which has gotta mean something. PS I live in the UK and I too think there are some people here who just suck.

[Daybreaker82]

whatever you do..
just remember one thing..
life as you know can totally change like that..
all your ******** is only your life as long as you chose it to be..
in a year from now you could be a totally different person..
it's up to you
who gives a f&*# what anybody else says..
start again..
become a new you.
move. anything.. you feel the need to do.
none of this ******** is real anyways
might as well paint a picture you like
so go ahead, get crazy.

[kieralong]

yes,

Its so simple to say that really isn't it?
I have had the worst year of my life, and everytime I think things are getting better they slowly get worse. I lost the love of my life last year- he didnt die, he just stopped loving me and got engaged to somebody else in a matter of months as if I didnt exist, my best friend ripped me off for almost one thousnd pounds and my other best friend does not want to know me anymore.... on top of this I have a minimum wage job which I cant afford to give up but is demoralising me day after day, I am trying to make things better by applying for university and such but life is not going anyhere.

[Daybreaker82]

no actually, it's not simple but people go through  this.. in a manner of 2 years..
i lost the love of my life to someone else too and i wanted to die for a long time, my mum then got cancer and then i lost my beautiful dog, a huksy lab cross named Templeton who was like my child last month.. to cancer very suddenly. it destroys you and it's never going to be okay.. but.. life does change. somehow it does. when you're ready.
and it's never going to be perfect but everyday we're dying and being reborn , every cell is regenerating..
you just have to realise that anythings possible and its never the end ..
also, check into your health too .. they had misdiagnosed me depressed and given me anti depressants when i actually had a b12 deficiency that made me really tired, depressed and a bit manic... ever since i started injected b12 i've been tons better and my mind feels better.
life is **** - ing complex .. i'm just trying to save it's not hopeless.
think about what you really wanna do ...
maybe you would feel better if u went away for a year and helped people who really need help...

[Daybreaker82]

*correction

i meant to say " im just trying to say it's not hopeless" not save.

[kieralong]

sorry honey I have only just
realised I can reply to you straight away
thanks for the cuddles from yo.ur cats mine are being really affectionate and giving me lods of cuddles

[StacyCPHT]

Here's a positive thought, you arent' preggers..... I am 7mos and just realised I cannot FAKE liking children anymore. I am not crazy, it was a birthcontrol failure. I have been searching all day on ways to term a 7mo pregnancy appearantly it's a moral issue. VOMIT. I thought for about 15min earlier about killing myself. That's one way to end it. BUT at the same time when the world is pis**ng you off and making you want to scream what more fun is it to be the bigger BITC$ ? I can just stay and make everyone else;s life difficult./ NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN DOESN'T IT!