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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
sex once a week
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
sex once a week
by stdtld, Jul 14, 2008 04:43AM
Is it normal for a man that just turned fourty to only want sex once a week?We use to do it at least three times a week.He is working alot of hours at work,could that be causing this problem?He says he is to tired?So I dont try anymore. Im getting tired of being turned down,with my feelings hurt .Need advice its about to drive me nutts
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Jul 18, 2008 03:50PM
, Jul 18, 2008 03:50PM
To: stdld
Hello.
When it comes to sex, there’s no such thing as “normal.” There’s only what’s normal (or usual) for you and what’s normal for your husband. Everyone is different, and there’s no one sexual operating system. It might be “normal” for your husband to like pepperoni on his pizza, and you to enjoy only mushrooms. You’re both different. That’s what makes life interesting.
The real question here is what’s going on with your husband, and I’m curious as to why you haven’t asked him. If you’re feeling unattractive, unloved, lonely, etc., it’s time to talk about it. It’s understandable that his energy for sex has diminished if he’s tired and stressed. Or there may be something else going on, and he’s looking for an opening to tell you. Only one way to find out: ask.
Certainly a man in his 40’s who is spending lots of time working may, indeed, be tired and stressed. It’s not unusual at all for frequency to drop off in our 40’s, since our stamina isn’t the same as when we’re younger. Maybe when you’re young, you can run a marathon, but once you get a bit older, you might be satisfied with running a mile or so. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy what you do—you just need to make adjustments.
So you two need to sit down and discuss this—but not in an accusatory way. Don’t attack him, because when you attack someone, what happens? That’s right; they get defensive—and with good reason. To have a constructive discussion, share your feelings in a calm, non-confrontational manner—and use “I” statements. That means you share your feelings without blaming or accusing him. For instance, you might say: “Honey, I love you so much, and I love having sex with you. I appreciate how hard you’re working these days. I really do miss you. I miss being close, and I miss being sexual. I know it’s because you’re tired, and I’m not complaining. I’m just wondering if we can work out something so we can still have sex and be close?” You get the picture. Offer some possible solutions too.
How about getting up a little earlier and having sex in the morning? Many men love having sex in the morning—and many women are uncomfortable with the idea because they don’t feel attractive. So get up a few minutes early, brush your teeth, comb your hair—whatever else you need to do to feel attractive—and get back into bed with him. Also ask him what are HIS best times? Perhaps Saturday evenings when he’s had a chance to relax a bit? And would he like to try some new things? Maybe dress you up? The possibilities are endless, so get going. You can still have yummy sex for the rest of your life; you’ll just need to invest in a little communication and creativity. Good luck! Dr. J
When it comes to sex, there’s no such thing as “normal.” There’s only what’s normal (or usual) for you and what’s normal for your husband. Everyone is different, and there’s no one sexual operating system. It might be “normal” for your husband to like pepperoni on his pizza, and you to enjoy only mushrooms. You’re both different. That’s what makes life interesting.
The real question here is what’s going on with your husband, and I’m curious as to why you haven’t asked him. If you’re feeling unattractive, unloved, lonely, etc., it’s time to talk about it. It’s understandable that his energy for sex has diminished if he’s tired and stressed. Or there may be something else going on, and he’s looking for an opening to tell you. Only one way to find out: ask.
Certainly a man in his 40’s who is spending lots of time working may, indeed, be tired and stressed. It’s not unusual at all for frequency to drop off in our 40’s, since our stamina isn’t the same as when we’re younger. Maybe when you’re young, you can run a marathon, but once you get a bit older, you might be satisfied with running a mile or so. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy what you do—you just need to make adjustments.
So you two need to sit down and discuss this—but not in an accusatory way. Don’t attack him, because when you attack someone, what happens? That’s right; they get defensive—and with good reason. To have a constructive discussion, share your feelings in a calm, non-confrontational manner—and use “I” statements. That means you share your feelings without blaming or accusing him. For instance, you might say: “Honey, I love you so much, and I love having sex with you. I appreciate how hard you’re working these days. I really do miss you. I miss being close, and I miss being sexual. I know it’s because you’re tired, and I’m not complaining. I’m just wondering if we can work out something so we can still have sex and be close?” You get the picture. Offer some possible solutions too.
How about getting up a little earlier and having sex in the morning? Many men love having sex in the morning—and many women are uncomfortable with the idea because they don’t feel attractive. So get up a few minutes early, brush your teeth, comb your hair—whatever else you need to do to feel attractive—and get back into bed with him. Also ask him what are HIS best times? Perhaps Saturday evenings when he’s had a chance to relax a bit? And would he like to try some new things? Maybe dress you up? The possibilities are endless, so get going. You can still have yummy sex for the rest of your life; you’ll just need to invest in a little communication and creativity. Good luck! Dr. J
Post Comment
-When he comes home from work, give him a shoulder massage when he's in his favorite chair. It will help relax him. Once you've done that, move on to his neck and around his ears, brushing lightly. Those areas usually are prone to cause sexual excitement when touched. Move on from there by going all the way from his neck down his back, almost to his butt. That should relax him, and most likely get him excited.
-Try adding new things to your sex life. Spice it up by trying new positions, new toys, or changing the time of day when you do it. Sometimes men like it when women pounce on them in the morning and surprise them, other men like it when they have it all planned out for later in the day. It's really who he is as a person, and what he likes.
-Have sex in the morning, before he goes to work. This way, it will wake him up, he wont be exhausted from work, and it will most likely make him content for the rest of the day.
If none of these work, and he still turns you down...I would say to masturbate. Showing him that he is an unnecessary object when you find pleasure will drive him nuts. Men always want what they can't have!