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[alcky]

sometimes I just want to sleep and not wake up. I am in that state right now where I am hating myself for drinking but can't admit to anyone I know that it is a problem. Eveyone thinks i quit. Now I find myself hiding from eveyone so I can drink. i smile as much as I can and act like it's all ok but I know I have a problem. I have gone to meetings in the past but had a hard time getting involved.I am one of those people that comes across like I have it all together. When I have gone to meetings i feel like people treat me like I couldn't possibly have a problem. It's not as bad now as it used to be. I don't drink at work like I use to. I am tired of living like this. It feels very lonely and I know i can do better but have a hard time finding a reaon to. I know I am still alive only because I know how much pain it would cause my sister if something happened to me. I have always been the strong one acting like nothing bothers, me trying to be strong for her when things haven't been so great in our lives. But I know if I don't get better soon things will get far worse and I won't be able to hide it.

[alcky]

I just turned 30 and it is becoming clear to me that if something doesn't change nothing ever will. The last 11 years (I started really drinking at 19) have been periods of bad relationships followed by periods of isolation. Literally, I have gone years doing nothing but working to fill the time I am sober and drunk the rest of the time. I am tired of avoiding people socially so I can continue drinking without anyone judging me for it. the relationships have been very volitile with extreme highs and lows. Sometime I feel like I never want to be close to anyone, just left alone. Don't guess there is any easy answer .  

[Jikan]

It's evident that you know you have a problem. The next step is taking action to prevent further damage to your life.

You need to admit to others the extent of your problem and ask for help. If that requires a stay in an in treatment facility so be it. Alcohol is something very difficult to conquer on your own. I drank for over 30 years and felt as if I had it under control, which I never did.

I was in several in-treatment programs without success, went to AA meetings without success, always thinking I could "kick it" on my own since I also, was the strong one.  People didn;t suspect that I had a drinking problem since I performed so well at work, but the truth was that the moment I got home I'd start drinking until I finally went to bed. That cycle continued for years and even though I managed to stay out of most problems, such as drunk driving, it played havoc with my finances, since I drank so much I neglected bills, so I could use that money to buy my booze.

I used to and still do think about going to bed and hoping that I never wake since life is too difficult to deal with. These are suicidal ideations and can lead to your eventual demise.

You need to seek help now, from whomever you can talk with, or just check yourself into the hospital, where they're better equipped to handle this type of problem.

I don't want to kid you that it'll be easy because it isn't. It took me numerous tries before I finally quit for what I hope it forever. It's been over 7 years now and without the alcohol I feel much better.

Good luck on your quest for an answer!

Michael(Jikan)

[mel1121809]

Hello,
I can really relate to your situation. I started drinking when I was 19 and I am now 30. I used to have a lot of friends, but my husband moved us to a different state for his job. I have not really made any new friends, and the move was 5 yrs ago. I find myself enjoying to be alone with my disease so nobody can judge me. From the outside everything looks fine but I am feeling guilty, scared, alone and am starting to realize how serious a problem I have. The really hard drinking didn't start until after I had my son and suffered from postpartum depression. Now I drink every night and am starting to have urges during the day.
I don't know if it's boredom or weakness but I am really starting to get concerned with my health. I found this forum a couple of days ago and it is really helping me to just talk and share my story as it is helping to realize that I am not alone through reading all the other postings.
Good luck and I would love to hear from you to see how your doing. It really helps to talk.

[alcky]

Thanks for your resonse. How is your situation? Are things better or? To be honest I haven't wanted to see the responses to the post I left. It leaves me feeling extremely vulnerable telling others even anonomisly about my situation. I hate the way things have gone for me but feel unable to change what is. Have you talked with your husband about things? I don't have any idea about how to start talking to my family about my drinking. I know I need to keep reading these posts and get involved in a program in order for things to get better for me. I just haven't found the courage yet. good luck. Jon (alcky)

[BANDIDA]

I totally understand how U R perceiving ur life right now. U don't say how old U R...I know that when I was 18 and my parents decided that they had found the right guy 4 me..9 yrs. older than me! I was treated like a princess..put up a front that I even did not understand. The perfect image in others eyes! But it hurt that the fact was it really was not me! I HAVE FOUND ME! thru 2 marriages and U know what? We are still the same person underneath that WE want to be!!! Don't use drinking to quash the pain of what U R going thru...it will still B there tomorrow and the real reason will remain. Be ALKY the way U R, I don't mean drinking...I mean the person that is inside of U that knows what they want 4 themselves..4 U..U need only 2 B true to yourself..and if others don't like it? So what? I Yam What I Yam..................Go with it !!!!!

[j34]

Every single person in a meeting has a problem! We are all there to get better and admitting that your life isn't a success,is what you need to surrender and people in meetings will understand far better that you think! Give it a chance.Three spiritualy principles I like are Honesty,Openness. and Willingness with these we are well on our way.Good Luck and may you find peace. j

[BANDIDA]

AMEN!

[FriaryGrad]

Here is "ALL" you will get in AA; see if this is what you want...

The Promises from the Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous"  

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. "

AA works.....try it, Jon......

[zenno]

i have been drinking every day for the last 26 years I can tell you that the reason why you feel like you do is you are suffering from serotonin depleation the chemical which makes you happy and feel good. you are not giving your body enough time to replace this chemical properly and this is why you feel the way you do. i have been to hell and back with this problem and no doctor could help me but only give me powerful drugs which did not help the situation. if for example i go on a 2 or worse 3 day drinking binge i will wake up the next day and for 7 days later with a feeling of doom and paranoia sweating and shaking all week long and most of the time for the week i feel suicidal untill i stop drinking for at least a week or two to build back up the serotonin levels again and then i wonder what all the fuss was with worry and doom as if the world is coming down around me. if you want what i mean is if you really want to feel good again i seriously sugest you stop drinking for two weeks compleatly and then you will see what i mean. you will feel way way better. trust me. i know what i'm talking about

[MJIthewriter]

Odd. You're about the same age, in fact you are when I have my story character realize he's got issues. Only difference is he's an antlike creature (see my profile pic) and supposedly he notices he was drinking pretty heavily since about 17...though probably had "rotten fruit" binges earlier.

Someone on here linked me to the online 4th edition of the big book. Feel free to pm me if you want some online reading.  I read the first couple chapters for entertainment.  It looks like the first chapter is a narrative.