violence in 18-year-old's relationship

[jerry4245]

My granddaughter is just 18. She moved out of her mother's home and is living with a guy who is about 25. She has a history of being abused by her step father who is currently in prison for that abuse. Her father died several years ago. Recently, there was a violent episode between her and her boyfriend that ended with the police being called and him being charged. During the incident, she cried and said she had never seen him like that ... didn't know what happened to him ... etc. Shortly after, she claimed he didn't really hit her. It was all an accident and SHE is the one who had a fit and broke the glass, etc. The neighbors said that wasn't true. It had happened before.  This is not the first physical abuse she has had in a relationship. In fact, it's about her third!!!

Anyway, we have told her that we cannot condone the relationship and don't want any part of him. We have also told her that we love her unconditionally and she comes to our house for Family Sundays on a regular basis. Now, she says, we had better get over it and accept him, because she is going to marry him very soon and wants us at the wedding.

I have asked for time to talk with her and she has agreed. I have promised no lectures, no judgments ... just the opportunity to give her my input and ask some questions. They have both had anger management classes, but this is a pattern in their relationship of several years.

What do I say. Is she just munipulating us (she has a history of that too) I'm a little panicked right now. Don't want to lose her, but don't want to encourage this relationship.
HELP!

[RockRose]

Dating abuse is such a hot topic right now - there are TONS of resources you can give her.  One of the best was this quiz,  from Loveisrespect.org

She has had a long history of abuse,  so she's very comfortable in an abusive relationship and that's what she will continue to seek if she doesn't get help.

Bless you.  I think I'd refuse to go to the wedding,  if I were you,  but keep the door open if she wants to contact you whenever she needs help.

http://loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/are-you-being-abused.html

[jo929]

There is nothing you can do or say,, that will influence her,You might ask her if she has read about the abuse, and how eventually it can lead to  broken noses, ribs black eyes, hurting so bad, that, she can not move and then even death, please tell her to look at some of the abuse stories before she really makes up her mind. , but all you can do is wait uintil until she decides that she needs help, and then, i am sure she will come running, The bit about her manipulation bothers me  also the part where she says she is going to marry him and you better get over it and accept him,, that sounds like she is giving an order,, and i do not beleive that she should feel that she has the upper hand so to speak , as to order her Mother, or her Grandmother around, She is the young one You are the adult, and it would appear that she lacks respect in that area,.I have worked with peoplw for 40 years and have seen what abuse can do, also do know that all you can do is hope and guide her,, but if she has had her way a lot ,that means that she may not listen to you  If  in your heart you know that he is an abuser, then i would not go to the wedding, that would mean that you do approve, and she had her way again and againI tell her this, also tell her you love her, but she also has to respect your decision  I do wish all of you los of luck   jo

[teko]

It has been my experience with my own kids, that if thou protest too much, it makes them go for it even more.  My daughter did the same thing.  She got married, then pregnant, he stayed out all night drinking, cheating etc. He hit her when she was pregnant in the belly. She left for 2 weeks, went back after all the crying, im sorrys etc on his part. She had the baby, he drank up all the bill money, she did not have a car and when she did no gas. No phone. He totally isolated her and then continued to do what he had always done. I hated this guy from the start but she was "in love". Moms and Grammas know!  She had another baby and he continued to use her as a punching bag thru out, but she felt like because she said things to him and fought back to defend herself, that she deserved it all somehow. Finally, she had had enough and we went and got her and the kids, after 3 years. I do not know how to advise you because she will do what she wants, how she wants and the more you protest she will do it even sooner. I would advise you to stay abreast of what is going on between them and keep the communication open so she has an outlet. Try to listen without judging and give her possible scenarios of how this is all going to play out for her. If she has been warned, that is all you can do, besides be there to pick up the pieces from the fallout.

[treazzure007]

just saw this and wanted to say that her bad judgment in choosing men for relationships may have stemmed from the abuse she was subjected to earlier in her life, her committing wholeheartedly for a lifetime of drama could also be linked to it

but there are many many (strange) couples that enjoy the drama, the fire, the passion put into fights and arguments.  they get off on it.  you were right to state your piece but just know in the future to stay out of their mess