How Many of You --- After TREATMENT --- Got Divorced or Separated from Significant Other?

[meki]

I'm wondering if TX changes the way you think on a primitive level --- or if the HCV does ---- OR even --- the clearance of HCV.

When you are married to someone - and you change so profoundly as a person, it is bound to cause disruption in your life as a marriage.

How many of you are or have been affected like this?

The reason I am asking --- is because I asked my husband for a divorce last week. We are friends, and always will be family. But I have changed so very much, and he has been angry at me - illogically, for being sick for so long. There are many things between us that are irrevocably lost.

I understand that the TX and the disease itself takes a toll on people. I have experienced it first hand.

I also understand that it is very hard on the family of the person who is treating. I don't blame him for his anger and frustrations at my not being able to perform as strongly as I did prior to getting sick.

I also know that he went through everything with me... But just cannot possibly understand the changes I have been through.

I know that getting HCV and slowly getting sicker every single day was a drain on us --- and the treatment compounded that drain.

And now that I am starting to feel alive again - for the first time in a very long time - I know that he feels like he was somehow cheated - because I am getting better daily and it shows.

I'm losing weight - I'm more active - I want to go do things, whereas, he is comfortable with sitting in front of the television drinking.

And one of the hardest things for me to accept is alcoholism.

I just killed a disease that destroyed or partially killed my liver.

I'm NOT against drinking every once in awhile - but to drink every single day - when I fought so hard to heal my liver... it just goes completely against what I believe - what I feel.

And he doesn't want to stop drinking. He doesn't understand what his consumption of alcohol makes me feel or think.

My husband is a wonderful, kind, gentle, beautiful man. But he is only human. And in his human nature, he and I have changed so very much in the last 2 years, since the diagnosis - that we can no longer remember what it was that brought us together in the first place.

I know that I tried - but I failed miserably at being the perfect wife for him - and I simply cannot make him suffer through being married to me, when it is me who has changed so much - that my views on life - and health are significantly different now... And we are no longer compatible on the marriage level.

He is - however, the only family I have.

So it is tearing me up inside that I have made this decision.

My only consolation is that we are friends - best friends - and we ALWAYS will be. I know in my heart that we will always be there for each other. We just can't find a common ground to survive the marriage with.

I just wanted to know --- has anyone else gone through this situation?

Is it because I've changed - because of the TX and the disease? Or is this just a normal part of life?

Just FYI - everything WILL be OK... It's a little sad right now --- I'm sorry I can't make life perfect for the one person that I've loved - and he can't make it perfect for me either. We will ALWAYS be friends... And this whole thing is VERY amicable. Our main concern is our daughter... I am buying a condo that is only a few blocks away from our current house so that she can walk between the 2 households - and I suspect that I will be over here almost as though I lived here still. However, I'm still so very sad about this... accepting it --- and all the things that caused it --- but still very sad.

Have any of you entertained the thought of divorce - or separation --- AFTER TX?

I appreciate you guys here on this board. We're all connected because of this virus. So thank you for listening... And thank you for helping me through some of the toughest times in my life.

Meki

[Marcia2202]

Wow, Meki. I had NO idea that you are also going through this. I'm so very, very sorry. I can imagine how you feel, as I've gone through divorce. Though the circumstances were completely different, so I cannot comment on your question regarding tx and divorce.

I send you a lot of love and hugs and pray that this phase in your life will go as smoothly as at all possible. It is a difficult time to go through and I wanted to let you know that I will try to be there for you as much as I can.

Love, Marcia

[charm27]

Meki
Sorry to hear all this turmoil in your life. I was divorced MANY years ago.

But I can tell  you this I am txing now and am completely alone, no family, children or relatives left . If I did have a significant other I can tell you it would be over now tx does change a person to a certain extent and I would have never made this under one roof with another.
Good, bad, or indifferent thats how I feel.
I wish you peace and lots of love.
Things will work out.

[rita863]

Meki,

I am sorry you are going through this.  My husband does try to understand what I am going through while tx but you and i know, unless you have gone down this road you dont know how i feel....  

My priorities in life are changing, i can see that now.  We are selling the house because "Why do i need mtg for 2800.00 month just "Keep up with the Jones" as they say.  Why does he need a brand new harley, and 42 ft boat?

I think you go through thing while treating, (i'll let ya know if were still together by nov) but i think differently now.  I want see things that i never saw.  i'd be happy in condo near some kind of beach.. i want to have friends over that i dont see now cause i am so dang tired.

he also doesnt get how connected i feel to the people here...  Like Elaine and Nick,  i have cried on and off all day for her...why, just because i am a mother too... and she was one of the first people to tell me you can do this....

The spouses dont understand that we dont want to be who we were....

Whatever is in store for you, you can handle it.....

I here for ya!

peace
rita

[Isobella]

Gosh, you have been on my mind so much because you have not been around much lately....I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.  

As I stare down the barrel of tx, the same thoughts run thru my brain.  Just the diagnosis changes so much, I can imagine that tx does it tenfold or more.  I love my husband, I just know how hard this will be on him.  That is one of my main motivations for wanting to get into a trial, to ease (at least) the financial burden of all this.

That's my long winded way of saying that you are surely not alone in this.  The changes we go through are profound, it is not surprising that relationships change as a result.  

Like Rita says above, it is hard sometimes for them to understand even the connection we have for each other.  I thought my hubby would freak over the FL lunch,but he handled it gracefully.  But I knew it was hard for him to understand. I am grateful that he did well with that---but he doesn't realize the long road ahead.   Not just spouses, but some friends as well.

We will never be who we were again.  I, for one, like this me better.  So far most others do too---but I am sure that will change. :-)

You are an amazing woman and an amazing mother.  I have no doubt that you will not just survive this new chapter, but thrive.  

I am going to pray/send positive thoughts-however I can -for you to have peace of mind through this tough time.  This is tough, but you are tougher!  

All the best,

Izzy

[meki]

I like ME better too.

That's what so sad --- that he doesn't like ME  - the new, alive me... The thoughtful - more willing to be HONEST Me...  I mean the kind me that I doesn't hold back anymore with what I want to say... So ----  If I FEEL something,  I say it now. I mean --- anything... and right the heck now... While it's there -- in my mind.

TX taught me - if you don't say what you're thinking - you won't remember it. And what if it is important? Do you know how many times I forgot something that was so very important to someone else??? At work - I had to write EVERYTHING down - or I would never have remembered it.

So I've learned to say whatever is there "RIGHT NOW" ---- which the hubby says means that I don't think before I speak... and hence will always have foot and mouth syndrome.

For example:

I say I love you --- a million times a day - because I've realized life is very short and it really felt like Death was nipping on my heels for 2 years.... No matter what reality says --- that I had a long way to go or that I would be fine... No matter what the doctors said --- or how I was supposed to feel ---  I truly felt death there... right around the corner --- lurking... with his hands holding that long scythe and the hood darkening the shadows around his face. I felt it watching me... with curious and inquisitive eyes.

So I think I became more of the "REAL" Me... instead of the "fake" me (which is really me --- but toned down a bit -- a bit more politically correct than I am now... More appreciative of the little things --- instead of discarding things - I see the beauty and usage in them.

And I talk a lot - and my heart is worn on my sleeve instead of hidden away --- only to be taken out as necessary --- now -- it's right there --- you can see it pumping from a mile away.

So I tell people that I love them A LOT.

I say it to everyone - my friends, my family -- yanno?

The New me feels alive - a bit more hyper than I was - but I feel YOUNG INSIDE... Oh goodness - my body feels a million years old. My mind --- about 21.

Prior to Treatment - my mind was scattered, always exhuasted and very dark inside... With the New Me  ---  my mind - the central essence of who I am came alive for the first time in a very long time.

And I felt like a dark cloud had already passed over - leaving the shadow to creep past me and then drift just a little to the left... So that I could see that the last years of feeling "blah", "tired", "achey" --- down, uncomfortable in my own skin... sad, in pain, confusion and grief --- well with the cloud just a little ways off I could still see those things and momentarily touch them here and there --- but I could see that my future was going to be much different..

My mental status - while not more alert - certainly is different than what it was prior to TX.

I think I'm still the same me --- but I see things differently now...

It's like the difference between seeing Los Angeles out in the distance shimmering through the heat - hazy... kind of blurry - but still a city. And then seeing New York in the middle of winter....  Crystalline, mobbed with people, Macy's packed and people walking in fashion. It's a City too --- but they are two different kinds of cities.

So --- I'm still "ME" --- but I've changed.

And he's angry that I've changed.

He's angry that I couldn't help him with the house --- but I could surf the internet.
He's angry that I wasted his time... He could have been doing something different... I dunno --- but now all he wants to do is to sit on his hind end waiting for someone to massage him --- to get him dinner --- and/or to get him a beer --- watching sports of some sort.

And the more I would say that I didn't like him drinking beer - the more beer he would pick up.

We don't fight --- never have, never will... But in that gesture --- that he has --- of looking at me while opening the fridge door to pull out another beer --- as if daring me to jump all over him...  Like saying "go ahead - say something you witch"... that look that mean get when their bottom lip pushes out just a tiny fraction and the mule's hind end sits on the ground and refuses to move?

Well that's the hubby about beer.

And I tried to explain that I just spent the whole last group of year/years.. trying so very hard to heal my liver --- and here he is drinking something that could damage i for him --- yanno?

Anyhow thank you all for your comments -- and Izzy - thanks for saying that..

You're right --- I DO ---- really do --- like the new me.

I've got some tweaking and adjusting to do to get the final product...

LOL!

Hugs,

Meki

[kimmypoo2]

this disease has changed my life.....im such a positive way...i may sound crazy....
rita im with you ...i dont need this 3000sft home   ...extra cars ...i want to get back to basics ...when i needed was me and my lil ones to be happy....i know after this i know things arent worth $hit it how yoi live your live and the contributions to others im gonna open an hcv awareness /support for the rural area that i live in...and im going to follow my dream of becaming a nurse.....im gonna follow dreams not bling ..im gonna stay healthy and happy

[orphanedhawk]

Although this isn't my situation, I can easily see how this could happen.

My tx was very hard on my husband. In fact I don't think he could handle my doing it again. The worst thing was the stuff that would emerge from me, and we would both look shocked. Did I really say that?

However, I wonder if your stopping drinking is more of a division than the HCV? I've seen it happen before, one person cleans up and the other doesn't~it can sure be a wedge.

Wishing you only the best.                OH

[Trinity4]

My life has changed dramatically - you know some of the details.  I just want you to know I love you and I wish only good things for you.  You're a wonderful person.
Trin

[rita863]

Kimmy i love that you have that passion to help others..i think it is great! and you will be a great Nurse you go for it girl!

Meki I am sorry you are going through...but you i know that sometimes, in life, we are dealt changes (they we think we are not ready for ) but we are.  And we handle them with the strength that got us here.

I think he resents you more then he doesnt like you.  You have changed and you are no longer the person he wants you to be.  Thats what he doesnt like.  He wants you the same ole MEki not the fun loving feeling like she's 21 and wanna have fun Meki.

And yes i think they all (i am generalizing here)  resent us treating because they had to out up with us sick, or loss of wages or what ever tx took us trhough. for me it still taking me through.  So he may think he wasted his time while you treated.  All in all, you will get to through this.. you are The New Meki...and though divoorce is difficult.  It can be done amicabley.  (i forgot how to spell).
Good luck to you in future... You will come out the other side SHINING!!!!


peace
my friend

[meki]

""""However, I wonder if your stopping drinking is more of a division than the HCV? I've seen it happen before, one person cleans up and the other doesn't~it can sure be a wedge. """"

I never have really drank a lot in my life. Hubby always drank a little beer ---  he only drinks a 6 pack a night... But he drinks it EVERY night.

When I first met him - we lived in what is called a "DRY" community - where alcohol was not allowed to be shipped in or imported.

Barrow goes back and forth from being damp to dry... But he didn't drink because it was illegal.

But ---- once we moved to Kodiak - he started with ONE beer a day --- and moved to 6 in a year.

Me - I only drink when we go out --- or if we're at a special function or something. I usually am the designated driver --- cause I'll drink only water or coffee or soda at the clubs...

I like one margarita or one pina colada --- and if I'm feeling frisky I might have one or two other types of sweet foo foo drinks...

I like a good champagne tho...

I just never really liked alcohol all that much. LOL! Sorry - but it just has always made me feel "icky" the next day --- and I don't like to feel icky.

[medicmommy]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGZ))))))))))))))))))))))))) Yes. Facing down death changes a person...It gives you the precious lesson that so few realize in life if they haven't been through a "life changing" event...And gives you a "rebirth" of sorts...it harshly reminds you (with a 2X4 between the eyes!) that life is short and it's the people you love and connect with that make it meaningful, not the material things that attach themselves to it...It makes you realize how much you had taken for granted before (like your health and family!), and how quickly that can change...It also changes your perspectives...You ARE different now, and what you shared in common with your husband, may be different now as well...This happens often even without a chronic illness  playing a part...Being the spouse of an ill person isn't easy...They too need to have a part of their life that is their own, somewhere that they can get outside of the the "illness drama" circle a bit for a breather...Most do this constructively by having a hobby, activity, or a good friend they can vent to...If they don't, they begin to feel "trapped" and resentful that everything revolves around the other...(I've had to remind my hubby, that this IS temporary, and soon, things will change for the better...And we've been able to voice our building frustrations with each other...So far, so good..-I think..) When I finally learned that I'm not responsible for my hubby's happiness or actions (that's his job) our relationship changed for the better...
This may not be the same for you...But it may focus things a bit...You may fear you're being selfish by making a stand...Don't. You have the rest of your life to live...If he chooses to be a part of it, that's wonderful...If not, you may have to go on without him..Take care my friend, and concentrate on getting well...You are an amazing person, and once again, your tenacious inner strength blooms...((((((((((((((HUGZ))))))))))))))                                        ~Melinda

[Bill1954]

Aw, Meki; I’m so sorry to hear this. I actually have a lot of thoughts on this subject, but not enough time right now to address this properly. I’d like to talk about it with you though; if I don’t get back, make sure to PM me so we can talk, OK? This post really caught me off guard; I’ve come to adore you. Makes me sad, you know :o(.

We’ll talk soon—

Bill