Feeling very sad and at the end of my rope

[toby45]

I had a heart attack over 6 mts ago and the recovery has been very mixed. Today, I feel very tired and very sad. No one seems to understand how fragile I feel. My spouse has not worked in 9 mts and has expressed feeling burdened by my health issues and wants to "run away"!

Everyone expects me to move forward and move on. I put on a good front, but at home at night I cannot live this life anymore. Where do I run, whom do I run to and how do I run away from my health issues.

Everyone seems to think I'm okay now - they are tired of hearing of my fatigue or my pains or my worries...

I go to bed every night hoping this all comes to an end - the joy of life feels like its been squeezed out this time. I have no more to give of myself to others and I don't want anything from life or from anyone anymore. I share this simply to share - I'm not sure I even care to get better.

Wish I could just close my eyes tonight and not wake up tomorrow. Were I only so lucky...

[Jikan]

Namaste,

Despite what you might think, wishing you go to bed and not wake up is a suicidal ideation and very dangerous because it can eventually cause you to develop a plan and possibly make an attempt.

I speak here from personal experience. I have had the same feelings on a regular basis and have become so depressed that I attempted suicide twice, not considering what effect it would have on the people that love me.

You didn't indicate whether you are back to work or not, but regardless, it may be beneficial to speak with your wife in a calm fashion about exactly how you feel. If whe fails to respond in a positive way, you can seek counseling on your own.

You also did not mention whether you are being treated by a psychiatrist and whether you are on any psychotroic medications.

If not, I also recommend that you make an appointment to see a mental healthcare worker who can perform a thorough evaluation and put together a treatment plan, which may include medication(s) and/or counseling.

You also have available to you crisis hotlines, where there are persons trained to speak with you intelligently about what you are feeling. As a matter of fact, many of these volunteers have had mental disorders of their own.

I sincerely hope that I have provided you with some alternatives and that you will take some to heart.

Michael(Jikan)

[Cindee56]

Hi toby,

I'm sorry you feel this way.  As you said, you had a heart attack 6 months ago.  That's not so long, and I'm sure it will take time to completely recover.  I don't know what your treatment is, but many, many people have heart attacks and heart disease and recover or at least can live for a long time with treatment.

I think you should speak to your doctor about how you feel.  And also, if your wife is not being supportive, that is certainly not helping.  You need to be honest with her, and if she can't be an emotional support for you, find someone else.  These boards are one source, and you must know that or you would not have posted this.  You need people who understand and validate your feelings.

Don't give up, and let us know how you are doing.

[toby45]

This crappy life is not getting any better. I'm losing my faith, I feel myself pulling back and existing. The things that once were passions barely seem to garner my attention.

I don't have the balls to commit suicide, the therapy didn't help one iota, and just plain tired of taking a 12 pills every night for the rest of my blessed life. I'm passively teetering on the edge and tired of putting on a facade for everyone....yet the show must go on.

I've decided that if there are any complications down the road, NO MORE ER VISITS!
Let life take its due course.

Does god/God ever hear our pleadings? Everyone seems to claim they can interpret god's actions - and lucky are the few who have god speak to them in their dreams! When the faith erodes you have but yourself.

Faith is seeming every day to be more of a human construct and a coping mechanism to defend against the catastrophic and elevate the banal.

Sorry for the rant on beliefs - not my intention to offend others' faith - just seeing my own crumble and wash away through teary eyes.

[Cindee56]

Hi toby,

Do you have a lot of pain?  Is it fatigue?  What are your symtoms besides depression?  Have you spoken to the doctor about how you feel and that you don't think you're improving?  He should certainly be aware of it.

Listen, you are only 45 years old.  You have a lot of life ahead of you.  As I said, you are not the only person who has heart attacks or heart trouble.  I have a lot of heart risks myself--HBP, high cholesterol, overweight.  My grandfather died at 50 from a heart attack, my grandmother at 60.  My father died at 73, but he lived with heart disease for a long time, had a quadruple bypass.  Things are more advanced now, they can help you.  Please do not give up!  If your doctor won't listen, change doctors!  I agree the ER is a waste of time unless in an emergency.  They just want you out of there.  You need to find a good doctor who will take your concerns seriously.  Also, a therapist would be very helpful.  Have you tried this?

Keep us updated.  

[April2]

Yes, Toby. I believe God hears your pleadings but I don't think you here HIM. The reason for that is you are so busy and working yourself to death that you can't hear Him. He says He speaks in a still, small voice. In order to hear that still, small voice we have to get to a quiet place and learn to listen. You cannot do that as long as you are running yourself ragged and filled with worry, stress, fatigue, etc. It's just not going to happen.
It's absolutely essential that you learn to take some time out for you and get the proper rest, nutrition, exercise, fresh air and just some down time or quiet time. You've got to make that time out for yourself. You already know your heart is succeptable to a heart attack. The next time could be worse. You were given a gift, the gift of life. Please learn to take care of it and start taking care of yourself.
God bless you, my friend.
Take care,
April

[toby45]

I'm done with the doctors. Really tired of the whole scene. Just cancelled my neuro and internist and blood test appointments.

Feel the need to share - not sure why.

Chest has been hurting in the area of the stents, and I had 2 or 3 similar episodes of diffused pain near the left arm pit just as I did the night of the heart attacks. But this time I'm not afraid - in fact I feel a sense of calmness as I've already made  the decision not to seek further medical intervention, except for continuing to take my meds.

I'm sad and angry and disappointed with those around me. I feel I have taken my best shot at life. In an age before meds I wouldn't be here today.

Still don't have the  guts to stop my meds - I guess there's a part of me that will always fight to hang on till the bitter end. Oh well - that part of me is now the outcaste!

I'm tired and exhausted and fatigued from 70 hour work weeks and never being home but for the weekend. To exhaust yourself like this so you can have insurance to go to the doc so he/she can tell you to get rest - which you know you cannot do, for fear of losing your job - somewhat of a self induced, self-perpetuating conundrum.

I'm done with this life - I just  hope the end comes soon enough and it's catastrophic. How does one induce a heart attack in an already weakened and damaged heart?

Please don't respond to my thoughts. These conversations with all of you in a public forum gives me a sense of comfort. None of you have ever been judgemental but I know each of you understands some if not all of what I'm going through. Thanks for lending an ear to one who is now beyond sadness, anger and disappointment.