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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
uncomfortable sex
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
uncomfortable sex
by mjferguson2005, Jul 20, 2008 05:34PM
A little over a year ago I first had sex. It was extremely painful and after a while we had to stop because it was too uncomfortable for me. I haven't had sex since but have been doing Kegel exercises. I got some ben wa balls to help, but when I insert them it's painful and there is some blood. They are about 1 1/4 inches in diameter. Should I see a gynecologist?
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Jul 21, 2008 08:14PM
, Jul 21, 2008 08:14PM
To: mjferguson
Your profile states that you’re male, but your question is clearly written about a woman, so I’ll answer your question as though you are, in fact, a woman.
First of all, if I were bleeding and experiencing pain, the first thing I’d do is see my gynecologist. What are you waiting for? It can only help to find out if you have any medical condition that’s causing pain. If you want to explore relaxing and getting over pain after you’ve seen your gynecologist, read on.
You state that you “had sex” over a year ago and it was painful. I’ll proceed on the basis that you’re referring to penis-vagina sex (p-v). If this is not so, then my comments may be irrelevant to your situation.
Kegels are good to do for strengthening your vaginal muscles (the PC muscle); however, since you’ve experienced pain, it’s possible that your muscle is quite tight already and is clenching up when anything nears your vagina. And what are you hoping to accomplish with Ben-wah balls? If they’re painful and causing bleeding, please stop right now.
Many women have experienced pain and/or tightening of the vagina. When the vagina involuntarily tightens, it’s a condition called “vaginismus.” But not to worry, it’s not the result of any permanent physiological condition, and it’s entirely reversible.
Women experience this tightening up because of fear and anxiety. I’m wondering if you’ve received messages that sex is somehow dirty, harmful or wrong. Or whether you’ve experienced something traumatic in your past that is causing you to fear penetration. It can be difficult to truly let go of negative messages about sex as well as past fears unless you have an opportunity to talk about them and process the experience so you can move past it.
Another possibility is that you’ve somehow gotten the idea that penis-vagina sex (p-v) is going to be painful or invasive (which it COULD be, if you’re not turned on or lubricated). Once these ideas take over, you may not even realize you’re having them, but they’re lurking somewhere in the back of your mind and doing their damage.
Another possible factor: What were the conditions like when you were being sexual? Did you have enough privacy? Were you relaxed and happy? If not, these factors might have contributed to your discomfort and tightening up as well.
There are various other possible psychological/emotional factors too numerous to detail here. These include fear of intimacy, fear of men, unresolved anger, feeling conflicted about a relationship, etc.
In addition, if your partner had little or no sexual experience, he might not have been aware that both of you need to be very turned on before p-v sex, and that it takes time. You need lots of touching, kissing, etc. and whatever else turns you on.
Before attempting p-v again, it will be helpful to start with something small, like a finger, inserted just a teeny bit at a time to see how it feels and build comfort. You can do this during self-pleasuring. Here are the steps: Once you’re very aroused, just touch the outside of your vagina. See how that feels. Breathe. Once that feels OK, then try putting a finger just a tiny bit inside, and again evaluate the feeling and breathe. You get the picture: break it down into small steps, and stop when you’re feeling anxious. Give yourself permission to go very slowly.
Realize that it takes time to relax and learn about your body and its responses. But anything worthwhile takes a little time and practice, no? If after slowing down, letting yourself get turned on and lots of practice, you find you’re still tightening up, you might consider seeing a counselor to examine your fears. Good luck to you. Dr. J
First of all, if I were bleeding and experiencing pain, the first thing I’d do is see my gynecologist. What are you waiting for? It can only help to find out if you have any medical condition that’s causing pain. If you want to explore relaxing and getting over pain after you’ve seen your gynecologist, read on.
You state that you “had sex” over a year ago and it was painful. I’ll proceed on the basis that you’re referring to penis-vagina sex (p-v). If this is not so, then my comments may be irrelevant to your situation.
Kegels are good to do for strengthening your vaginal muscles (the PC muscle); however, since you’ve experienced pain, it’s possible that your muscle is quite tight already and is clenching up when anything nears your vagina. And what are you hoping to accomplish with Ben-wah balls? If they’re painful and causing bleeding, please stop right now.
Many women have experienced pain and/or tightening of the vagina. When the vagina involuntarily tightens, it’s a condition called “vaginismus.” But not to worry, it’s not the result of any permanent physiological condition, and it’s entirely reversible.
Women experience this tightening up because of fear and anxiety. I’m wondering if you’ve received messages that sex is somehow dirty, harmful or wrong. Or whether you’ve experienced something traumatic in your past that is causing you to fear penetration. It can be difficult to truly let go of negative messages about sex as well as past fears unless you have an opportunity to talk about them and process the experience so you can move past it.
Another possibility is that you’ve somehow gotten the idea that penis-vagina sex (p-v) is going to be painful or invasive (which it COULD be, if you’re not turned on or lubricated). Once these ideas take over, you may not even realize you’re having them, but they’re lurking somewhere in the back of your mind and doing their damage.
Another possible factor: What were the conditions like when you were being sexual? Did you have enough privacy? Were you relaxed and happy? If not, these factors might have contributed to your discomfort and tightening up as well.
There are various other possible psychological/emotional factors too numerous to detail here. These include fear of intimacy, fear of men, unresolved anger, feeling conflicted about a relationship, etc.
In addition, if your partner had little or no sexual experience, he might not have been aware that both of you need to be very turned on before p-v sex, and that it takes time. You need lots of touching, kissing, etc. and whatever else turns you on.
Before attempting p-v again, it will be helpful to start with something small, like a finger, inserted just a teeny bit at a time to see how it feels and build comfort. You can do this during self-pleasuring. Here are the steps: Once you’re very aroused, just touch the outside of your vagina. See how that feels. Breathe. Once that feels OK, then try putting a finger just a tiny bit inside, and again evaluate the feeling and breathe. You get the picture: break it down into small steps, and stop when you’re feeling anxious. Give yourself permission to go very slowly.
Realize that it takes time to relax and learn about your body and its responses. But anything worthwhile takes a little time and practice, no? If after slowing down, letting yourself get turned on and lots of practice, you find you’re still tightening up, you might consider seeing a counselor to examine your fears. Good luck to you. Dr. J
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