I've hit the bottom

[Alleykatt34]

I can't get out of this "downer" I'm in.  My husband has to lock up my meds and give me only enough for the day.  I did try to overdose, but he caught me and I was of course not successful. I am losing it.  Nothing seems to matter, I just feel like I shouldn't be here.  I did quit smoking in Feb. and gained some weight, but have no motivation to work out.  This from someone who worked out 2-3 hours a day and loved it.  Now, I can barely get out of bed at noon.  I am on Seroquel 900mgs. and Xanax 5-7 a day..I know, please don't lecture me on how high my dosages are.  I have to wait until my hubby can get a day off work to take me to the psych, because its about an hour away and the drive terrifies me.  I could bring my kids, and they can wait in the car, but it has been so hot.  My youngest (11) I can tell can see a difference, he is so sweet asking me if I need anything all the time.  I feel so guilty for not being a good mother.  I feel like a failure when it comes to parenthood. Actually I feel like a failure in everything I do.

I know your going to tell me to go to the dr.  trust me, thats the plan.  I just have to get it scheduled when hub has time.  I have been seeing the same dr. for 13 years and could probably call him and tell him I'm falling apart.  He may do something, but I think he will just want me to come in.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent.  I am really tired tonight...ironically I slept til noon today too.  I should be used to this, it all started 13 years ago.  I just want to have it under control so I can function like a NORMAL person.  I am so fearful of everything.  I hate leaving home.  

Thats enough for now..thank you

Alley

[lonewolf07]

No advice, no criticisms.  Keep on venting - it's better than holding it in.

One other thing ....

(((((BIGHUGS)))))

wolf

[ParamedFlorena]

Hi!

Hold on, be strong :-)
It's definitely a long wait. I've walked that line. From the appointment was made until I got in, it took well a year. I don't say that to discourage you. I didn't start out hoping I'd make it to that day - it was quite the opposite.
To have someone to carry the load together with makes a great difference. Speak up, define and you're going to come through.

Florena

[margypops]

When you go to see the Doctor ask him about your Meds as sometimes have side effects and can make you feel worse,or they react with each other, AS the others said Hold on and let some time go by, you will be okay and you have support from your Family,there are a lot of folks out there feeling the same as you, you are not alone,come back and vent some more ,we will be here.

[bell24]

hi there alleykatt, hang on in there we all feel like that at times, we cant go on but it pases ,i know it not nice at the time and it can be frighten ,but is seems your husband is helping you ,all i can say to you is if i can fight and beleive me its  fight to stay here at times since my two children died by suicide age 17 and 24 you might give it a try even for your son who is trying to help to ,i have an 11 year old son to who needs me ,so can we give it a try toghter ,god bless and take care ,we all care here,bell 124

[Alleykatt34]

Thank you so much for your support.  It really feels good to come on here and see people care.  

I am still having a hard HARD time, but my husband did make me a dr. appt. Aug. 1.  So, until then I will just have to stay strong.  

I don't have much ambition to do much so I rarely get on the computer anymore.  I will try to get on here more.

Thank you so much!!

Alley

[peggy64]

Alleycat,

Have they checked your thyroid levels? I know than can cause a lot of psychological symptoms and most drs just say you are depressed. If not, please ask them to check those.

Hang in there. You will make it!!

[peekawho]

Hoping you hang in there until your appt.

That much Xanax will certainly add to your depressive disorder.  Hopefully, they can start weaning you down.  

[Alleykatt34]

Thank you both for the words of wisdom.  I had my thyroid checked last November, but since then (May) my sister has been dx'd with Graves Disease so I probably should have it all ran.  My mother also has hypothyroidism I believe.

I know I have been taking too much medicine wise.  I just feel like I'm going to burst into a fit of rage if I don't take something to calm me.  As with anything you build up a resistance and I think thats what is happening to me.  

Thank you!

Alley