Boyfriend's ex won't stop calling

[charliebrown269]

Hi, this might be a little long but bear with me, I need a little advice.

My boyfriend was with his ex for about 6 months on and off, she cheated on him, used him for rides to parties, and used his money for drugs. They were apart for almost a year before I met him, and I'm not sure if she was calling him before he was with me  but since we've been together she has called at least once a month, (which i dont like, but i wont tell him no). more recently it's been mroe often, this week she called 4 times. I feel that i have been extremely patient with this situation, because i have not once taken the phone and told her to stop calling or told him she can't call, i've just said that i dont like it. Her sister owes him money, and she said she'd pay it for himfor whatever reason, but every time she calls she'll start off by telling him shes in town, then she doesn't even mention having money, she'll say maybe we can meet up for coffee, etc etc. she'll call to appologize for everything she ever put him through, and ask him if he forgives her, then after he says he forgave her, she'll start talking about how good her life is with her new boyfriend, and how apparently he's going to propose to her soon. I dont have a problem if he likes to hear from her sometimes, but he himself says that he doesn't care to hear from her, and that he doens't like her. i want to tell her not to call him, but i know that if he secretly wants to talk to her,, nothing will stop him, do you think he's true in what he says? he says the only reason he wants to meet with her is to get money, but every time she calls she doesn't mention it, and everytime she calls he'll say 'i'm with (my name) right now, and he'll be very hintful that he doesn't want to talk to her, even when he doesn't say he's with me, he'll give short one word answers, and he has told her not to call, because sometimes i'll even hear her say hi it's me sorry i know i'm not supposed to call you. i feel like in the future this could put a strain on our relationship, it's not him that  i dont trust it's her, because my best friend dated my boyfriend's best friend, so she knows what kind of person she is, and from the sounds of it, i wouldnt trust her to meet him, i feel like she'd get the idea that it's okay to keep calling, and hanging out, and it's not. I always get in a bad mood for a while after she calls, but i get over it. I think i've been pretty good about the whole thing, any suggestions?

[RockRose]

How much money are we talking about here?

[charliebrown269]

not quite sure:S my ex owes me money too about 150 but i let it go because he moved to another province.. it could be maybe 400, he helped her sister put a downpayment on something.. if i find out though i will post another

[Denya]

You need to tell this guy that it's not ok that she is calling him.  He may likely be cheating on you sweety, the only reason why an ex will meet with another ex "for coffee"
Is actually for "Sex".  He's playing you right under your nose and he obviously doesn't care for you, otherwise he wouldn't be taken this girls calls.  If she owes him money, tell him to count his losses and move on otherwise tell him, to tell her, send a check or money order and leave him alone.  You don't deserve this **** from any guy.

[treazzure007]

him continuing to talk to her is disrespectful.  though there are many exes that remain close, it's never a comfortable thing for the new mate.  there's no GOOD reason for him to continue any type of relationship or contact w/ her (it's not like they have children together or were together 50 years).  
and don't think he doesn't know this, he's just being careless and disrespectful towards you.  if he truly loved, cared, and wanted you exclusively and considered your feelings, he wouldn't even want you to think there was any type of competition or trouble in the picture

[teko]

This guy is straddling the fence so to speak. Any guy that is in love with someone, will go out of their way to make sure nothing is happening to cause a rift between them. The fact that he has not adamantly demanded his ex to stop calling or even that he is meeting up with her knowing it could cause a disagreement with you is a red flag as far as I am concerned. It sounds like excuses to me. Obviously this ex has alterior motives and I am wondering why he keeps stringing it along instead of stopping it. Unless he is getting more out of it than he says. It is his job to handle this, not yours. You would show vulnerability and jealousy to handle her yourself. Even the fact that it is an issue at all is unacceptable.

[charliebrown269]

he hasn't gone to see her yet (as far as i know) he always calls me on his way home from work, and i basically knwo where he is 905 of the time. we've been together a year now, and he's always been consistant in the way he treats me. when i saw her phone number in his car, i asked him about it, and he said it sounded like i dont trust him, and that i have nothing to worry about, so i left it at that, but from my past experiences i know that anything can happen, so im still worried, he never got mad when i questioned him like defensive or anything, he jsut said it seemed like i didnt trust him, and i just said well i think that she still loves you, and that if you agree to hang out with her, even if it's just to get the money, she'll get the wrong idea and think it's okayto keep calling to hang out, and she'll want to hug you..     yesterday when she called he was with my family, and i had told him 'next time she calls you need to tell her to stop calling you unless itrs about money' and since he was with my family, he didn't want to. i trust him. he really is the kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve, and i kind of feel like he accepts her calls, to first see if she has money, and when she starts talking about other stuff he'll give one word answers because he doesn't want to be rude.

a couple months into the relationship she emailed him when she saw a pictuer, (she knew he was dating somone) and said 'your new girlfriend and you look cute together, how's work how's all your friends hows everyone, and he said 'remember thht time i told u to get out of my life, i ment it please stop emailing me' and she sent a nasty one back threatening him, etc.
my friends are his friends, that how we met, and they always said that his ex treated him like ****, so i know this is true (my last boyfriend made it up so i would feel bad). they always said he did everything for her, and she still treated him like ****.

[charliebrown269]

also, should i just bring it up randomly and say that it's bothering me? or wait until the next time she calls him?

and jsut another little add-on, even when he's NOT with me and she calls him, he'll tell me next time we talk, he'll just randomly say 'she called today', i never ask him he just volunteers it.

[charliebrown269]

sorry to keep posting more and more, but do you think he'd tell me she called if he was trying to hide something?

[jesslee83]

idk i really don't think he'd tell you she was calling if something was going on.....i'd wait till she's called again and bring it up.....just do what i do whenever my stepdaughters mom calls drunk(she doesnt talk about DD, she talks about missing him), and my DF just tells her to "walk it off" and he'll hang up.....used to she'd call sober and bs, but after a couple times i just kindly put it that " i know she's ****'s mom, but does she have to call to ask about your day, and how WE are doing? if it's not to do with ****, then why bother if you guys weren't really getting along ever"? i've talked to both of them, they both say how horendous theirs was, but she's the kind who calls under "kind" pretenses just to dig up info.....when we were supposed to get my stepson from  his mom, she thought it was ok if her and DF took kids to dinner like a "family", and he and i both squashed that **** really fast.....now, he has no qualms whatsoever about telling either of his exes(whom he has children with both), that he's with meand it's rude and innapproriate to call and how he doesnt call asking about their new boyfriends, and unless it is something that really needs to be discussed, or something, to not call b/c he doesnt intrude into their private lives, to stay out of his.....and it's worked....

[charliebrown269]

that sounds just like my situation, minus the children involved.. she'll call just to see how his day went, and she'll even call drunk too! i talked to my mom about it too, and he is always at my house, so my parents and family know him very well, she doesn't think he's upto anything, what you say makes sense.. im not jealous or controlling, if he actually was friends with her i wouldnt mind her calling to see how he's doing ONCE IN A WHILE, but it's that he himself says he doesn't like her, she used him, and he knows it, but i know that if he weerre to go meet her even for the money, she'd think it's okay to keep calling, and keep asking to meet up, hes already told her tqice to 'get out of his life', but she'll call when she's in a bad spot, and need somone to talk to, i hate tat it has to be him though considernig she has a boyfriend who apparently is going to propose sometime soon.

the otherposts from the opther women were very helpful as much as i dont want to beleive it, anything is possible, and he could be cheating, but that i will never know, and i'd rather not accuse him, because then it would be my fault for not trusting what he says. but next time she calls i will bring it up, and instead of mentioning i dont like it, i will tell him exactly how it makes me feel, regardless of what his intentions are. i trust him, not her, and it is disrespectful for him to accept her phone calls, especially cuz he knows i dont like it at all. thanks!! and if anyone else could post more that would be great!

[margypops]

Crumbs, keep going Ladies , it reads like a Jackie Collins saga/book, Makes me  want to scream that good Loyal, Women put up with being treated like this. Sorry for this in advance ,Dump Him!!!he wouldnt be taking calls if he was trustworthy.

[charliebrown269]

did you read everything though? it's a lot to read, she owes him 600 dollars, and he tells me every time she calls. not trying to say yuo dont know what your talking about, this is why i asked everyone what they thouht right, but he takes the calls right in front of me, and he doesn't say 'i'm with my girlfriend' so she thinks he's alone, and she's never said anything that would make me think he's cheating... now my newest concern is, should he ask my permission to accept her calls? or meet her for the money?

[teko]

Well, based on all that you have posted here, I guess based on how YOU feel about the situation and based on how you think there is nothing going on, I will alter my advice to the following:

No if you think he is loyal then there is absolutely no reason for a woman in your situation to block the calls or tell him he should not meet her. Based on your faith in him, It does not make any sense for him to get your permission either, to accept her calls.  If he is as true blue as you say there is no reason to change anything. With that said.....

MOST, not all couples that are committed to each other, automatically, out of respect for one another do not, I repeat do not, allow ex anythings to become an issue between themselves and their partner. MOST, not all women would not appreciate the ex calling and talking to her man, for no matter what the reason. Most would be offended that there man allowed it to continue, period. Most would rather lose the money and accept the loss, before putting it in the middle of their current relationship. Your man is enabling this woman by allowing it to continue and by doing so is disrespecting you. Whether you realize it or not. It is not about cheating. It is about respect for you and your relationship. I guess I am old fashioned. Hell, Im just old. Do not understand the way ya all do things these days.

With that said, there is always the exception to the rule. I guess your situation would fit that bill.  Good luck.

[Melissa70817]

ok.... It is not the other woman you have to have trust in, it is your man and it sounds like you don't.  IF he cheats, it is not the other woman's fault, it is his.  HE has the commitment to you, not her. It is easy to get mad at the other woman BUT she could care less about you and you know it, he on the other hand is supposed to care and in caring about you he should respect your feelings.  You've already told him that you don't like her calling but he continues to talk to her, IF he didn't want to talk to her, he wouldn't.  He is using the money as an excuse.  Maybe he lied to you about her saying she would pay the money for her sister.  Believe me, if someone wants to cheat, they don't have to change their routine, they can and will find a way and you will never know.  I would say talk to him about how uncomfortable you are with this girl calling, if he continues, ditch him because you don't need to be with someone you cannot trust in all ways.