how do I handle my childs inappropriate without spanking him.

[mal27harris]

My son is four years old and he is a handful! I was  tan away from my mother when I was his age because of abuse, so spanking him is not an option for me ( it wouldn't work anyway).  Nothing I do seems to work. He is an angry child who is alwys yelling, screaming, or throwing things. I am a preschool teacher and for financial reasons he goes to work with me. Nothing I do at hme or at school works with him. He absolutley hates his punishments of staying in his room the rest of the day or no television, but he acts the same way the next day. I want my son to have a better life than I did but it is hard when I get sent home early eavryday due to his behavior. He i very smart but dosen't want to apply himself. I thought keeping him busy would help but he doesn't want to do anything. He hits me and yells at me. He even tries to rerverse the role. For instance, when he begans to act up I tell him he better not start. When I tell him something he doesn't want to here, he points at me and tells me not to start. When I try to disipline him he says blah blah blah the whole time I am talking or says how many times do you half to tell me that.One time I was yelling at him for throwing a fit and jumping up and down in the store and he fell and scraped his ankle. He told everyone that walked by that his mommy hurt him. When I got to the parking lot the police were blocking my car because someone called them and said I was abusing my son! don't know what t do I am at my end. I don't want to lose my son or my job. But I am losin my mind! CAN ANYBODY HELP ME HELP THIS FOUR YEAR OLD!

[peekawho]

Wow.

I think you should consult a professional who can work with you to develop a clear, consistent, and appropriate method of discipline for a 4 year old, as well as to learn how to give positive rewards for good behavior.

It is not appropriate, for example, to put a 4 year old in his room all day.  A rule of thumb is ONE MINUTE in time out per year of the childs age.  So being put in his room for longer than that will lead to many more problems than it could ever help.  

It is absolutely fruitless to argue with a 4 year old.  He will not benefit, and you will become more frustrated.  

I do think you need some help developing a workable plan for discipline and rewards.  Your pediatrician might be able to refer you to someone.

[deanne11]

I agree with  peekawho - you are at the point of not return unless you get professional help and have your child evaluated.

I'm not talking about getting him drugged either with medicine.  

Something is wrong...where is his father?  

You are right, you can not lose your job over this.  Have you ever tried putting him in a different school other than where you work?

I know it's a rule at my son's daycare that the teachers children have to go to one of the 'sister' centers and cannot attend the same center as their mother/father.

[deanne11]

I also think it's disturbing to hear that a 4 yr old already knows enough to say 'mommy hurt me' to get a reaction from people.

My DD ever pulled that **** on me....she better run, cause Momma will hurt her.

I've seen my niece threaten to go to the school and make something up about her mom to get her mom off her back....let me just say, my niece learned a very very valuable lesson that day.

[deanne11]

by the way - I'm kidding about what I said....everyone on here who knows me knows I wouldn't hurt my kid.

Well, unless she said that at say 16.....then she better get going!

[mami1323]

I knew you were kidding and I am sitting here hysterically laughing.

[kjbutcher]

how does he react if someone else, maybe another teacher, disiplines him?  Another school may help.  I would watch some nanny 911.  They have some good ideas like the good boy/ bad boy marbles where he can get rewards for good behavior but can lose partial progress towards a reward for bad behavior.  Appropriate time out where you tell him why he is in time out and when he gets out before his 4 minutes you constantly put him back in the chair WITH OUT SAYING A WORD.  No arguing, yelling, nothing just put him back in the chair until he sits there for 4 constant minutes.  Eventually the yelling and screaming will stop and he will sit for his time.  Also remember, you can give yourself a time out if you need it...just walk away when you feel your blood start to boil.  It really sounds like he isnt reacting well to dicipline for bad behavior. I might go with the reward for good behavior.

[tiredbuthappy]

He definitely sounds like he's very challenging. I have copied and pasted some suggestions i made to someone else in another post. however, i do want to comment that i agree with the others that you may need extra help to find the cause of his behaviors. also, sounds like a contant power struggle. make sure you don't get into situations where you can't win. end the debates and arguments as they start. find something else to say other than "you better not start" if he responds to that in such a way. you need a complete overhaul of how the 2 of you interact and it will take a while to make a shift. he's trying to prevent you from controlling him, and in turn is trying to control you. instead, try empowering him in a way that is desirable. instead of "you better not start" say "i want you to stop and think for a moment. are you making a good decision?" or "you need to make a choice. are you going to do the right thing and (...), or are you choosing (...)." introduce the words "priviledge" and "consequence" into his vocabulary. if he does something wrong, he should lose a priviledge, but it should be relevent to the action. if he gets furious, simply remind him that he can earn it back, but that is not the way. Ask him what he thinks he could do to earn back the priviledge.

some suggestions-
sensory activities can be soothing, or keep a child like him occupied. how does he do with fingerpaint? spray some plain shaving cream on a plastic table and let him play with it. take a small bowl, put a 1/2 inch of water in it, and a couple of drops of dishsoap. give him a straw and watch him make mountains of bubbles on the table (you can put the whole thing on a tray). make oobleck by mixing cornstarch and water. have him experiement with the ratio of water to cornstarch. make homemade gak together (you can do an online search or PM me for the recipe).  I have worked with several children very much like your son, and in each case these activities really helped calm/focus/soothe the child. if i gave these activities to him first thing in the morning, the rest of the day went smoother.

scratch time-out. it's ineffective in most cases, especially with children who are as old as him. he's not sitting there thinking about what he did- he's sitting there thinking about how p!ssed he is at you for putting him there! instead, stick to logical consequences. you hurt someone, you find a way to help them feel better. you break a tower, you help fix it. you spill it, you clean it.

with kids like him, i find it is often very helpful to give him an opportunity to correct the situation. if he does something wrong, say "we have a problem- you have to help find a way to solve it." it's empowering, and makes him more likely to actually try and solve the problem. or, "you made a mistake- let's find a way to fix it." this approach doesn't give him the dramatic response from you that he may have been searching for either. again, this calm demeanor encourages him to get involved in problem solving.

finally, i am sure that when things do go wrong and you try to intervene, he most likely runs/hides/avoids you or the teacher. when he does this, very calmly say "i see you need a break to calm down before we solve this problem. when you are ready, you can come to me." if he tries to go another way or play with something, simply put yourself between him and whereever he's going and repeat firmly but calmly, "you need to solve the problem before you do something else. if you need time to calm down first, that's fine. but playing is not an option." if he seems aggitated you can offer to help him solve the problem. "would you like me to help you find a solution?" if he accepts, guide his decision making process, but do not hand him the answer. ex: susie seems very upset about her tower. what do you think we can do to help her feel better?"

building problem solving skills takes time and consistancy, but is highly effective. along with it comes building empathy for others. these techniques have worked wonderfully for my classes of 3's, 4's, and 5's- "difficult" children included.

[GoingOnFiveKids]

My oldest son behaved like this and he was diagnosed with ADD among other problems. He's 16yrs old now but the problems manifested into other things. He refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with him and says it's us with the problem. he never took his meds because he would say that it hurt his stomach and he made me feel like a heel for trying to give it to him. I went through years of hell and  still continue to go through hell with him and he influences my other children with this behavior and mind  you the kids are 7, 4, 2 and soon my newborn girl will be part of this circus. I took him to several doctors and all said he had ADD and as the years went on it got worse. Please dont let him go without being evaluated. He might not need any pills but he might benefit from couseling. I hope things get better for you. I really truly do. I know how hard it is.  

[mal27harris]

Thanks for your help and suggestions everyone! Today was alittle rough but it went smoother when I took cartoons away from him until friday. He has cried about it since we came home. Is that to much? He has to go to his pediatrician on Monday and since several suggested it, I'm going to ask him what to do. I know that I took meds when I wasa child and they didn't help. Also I see how children are affected by pills so hopefully there is another alternatives.

[deanne11]

Good for you.  It's nice to hear a mom actually looking for guidance from a health professional.  And I am one to say not all medications are effective or the right way to go either....but you need to have a serious talk with the Dr.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk over the phone as well or in a separate room so that your son cannot hear you.

You need to be as open and honest with events that have happened so the Dr will know where to what to refer you to.

[peekawho]

Its nice to hear you are going to try to ask for some help.  

Could I also gently suggest that you set up some house rules, clearly posted (pictures would be nice for such a young child) stating very simply what is not allowed in your family.
For example
NO HITTING OR BITING
SPEAK RESPECTFULLY
etc etc
just a few, very short and clear.

and post consequences such as 1 warning, then time out for 1 min per age.  This is harder than it sounds.  Watch SuperNanny for some ideas of how time outs should go.  

And have a reward system in place.

Never, ever argue with or attempt to reason with a 4 year old who is behaving badly.  If they have broken the rules, they go in time out.

I'm not a fan of vague punishments like "no cartoons until Friday".  Children have no concept of time.  And the chances are too high that he'll get to watch them anyway somehow, and then it makes your punishment meaningless.  Better to have a concrete, immediate consequence right away.