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Herpes Community
This forum is an un-mediated, patient-to-patient forum for questions and support regarding herpes issues such as: Herpes symptoms and treatments, causes, diagnosis, and herpes in men, tests, telling your spouse or partner.
I think I'm ready
by Stuck123, Jul 22, 2008 03:43PM
I was diagnosed with herpes, will be 4 years this decemeber. I was dating a guy that worked on the oil rigs, and started to think some negative thoughts about how he was saying "all the other guys" were going out on their wives and girlfriends and had myself checked. I didn't hestitate at all about telling him as I was already with him and if he had it to I thought it important that he would get checked so we could prevent exposing him if he didn't. We were together for 2years only 4 months into the relationship I found out.
I have tried dating since then, but just haven't had any luck...I have now been dating a guy for a month now and I keep thinking more and more about telling him. I'm very comfortable around him, we talk about everything and make eachother laugh and are both looking for a serious relationship, to add to all of that he is a real gentleman ( there are some good guys out there!! ) I've stayed the night with him a few times and sex has not been an issue at all. With all them factors include it makes me want to tell him, he's not like most guys I have tried dating and want sex then the relationship he wants a real relationship and has told me that for him sex has to mean something. ( We have talked about it, but not as an us thing) Latley he has been kind of hinting and I think that he does want to take the relationship to that level, but at the same doesn't pressure me at all.
This is the first time I have actually wanted and felt that I could trust telling someone that I want to have a relationship with. I know he trusts me and finds ways to show me that trust, I keep rehearsing ways I can bring it up and how I would react in different scenarios. I know that no matter what it is a leap of faith and that there is nothing I can do or say to change his mind if he doesn't want to see me again but the more and more times goes by and we're together it's not something always in the back of my mind like before, that if I do tell him he'll want nothing to do with me.
There is one major catch, when we first starting seeing eachother as friends, I talked about moving out of town and as things progressed he said that maybe he would change my mind. I have asked him pretty much a rhetorical question as to what he thought would happen if I stayed and that if I did it would be mainly because of him. Told him to atleast think about it because he ment a lot to me and that it was important to me. Nothing has been brought up about it again, even before I had seriously started to think about he told me that he didn't want to hold me back but that the decision is mine and he would respect it. (That was his reply again and adding that he didn't want me to go )
So I supose I am trying to use that as an opener to make the situation and our relationship to a more serious manner to make my final determination of if I should tell him or not. I really do want to, I am falling in love with him and as it is the thought of moving and leaving him causes my stomach to sink. So what I am asking for is an opinion from anyone who has been in a smiliar situation to give me some insight on if I am heading in the right direction of approaching this? Also anyone who may have told someone and had a bad reaction and how they were able to cope ? As much as I trust him myself I still worry as I'm sure anyone in a similar situation that they will become the "talk of the town", any insight would be appreciated.
I have tried dating since then, but just haven't had any luck...I have now been dating a guy for a month now and I keep thinking more and more about telling him. I'm very comfortable around him, we talk about everything and make eachother laugh and are both looking for a serious relationship, to add to all of that he is a real gentleman ( there are some good guys out there!! ) I've stayed the night with him a few times and sex has not been an issue at all. With all them factors include it makes me want to tell him, he's not like most guys I have tried dating and want sex then the relationship he wants a real relationship and has told me that for him sex has to mean something. ( We have talked about it, but not as an us thing) Latley he has been kind of hinting and I think that he does want to take the relationship to that level, but at the same doesn't pressure me at all.
This is the first time I have actually wanted and felt that I could trust telling someone that I want to have a relationship with. I know he trusts me and finds ways to show me that trust, I keep rehearsing ways I can bring it up and how I would react in different scenarios. I know that no matter what it is a leap of faith and that there is nothing I can do or say to change his mind if he doesn't want to see me again but the more and more times goes by and we're together it's not something always in the back of my mind like before, that if I do tell him he'll want nothing to do with me.
There is one major catch, when we first starting seeing eachother as friends, I talked about moving out of town and as things progressed he said that maybe he would change my mind. I have asked him pretty much a rhetorical question as to what he thought would happen if I stayed and that if I did it would be mainly because of him. Told him to atleast think about it because he ment a lot to me and that it was important to me. Nothing has been brought up about it again, even before I had seriously started to think about he told me that he didn't want to hold me back but that the decision is mine and he would respect it. (That was his reply again and adding that he didn't want me to go )
So I supose I am trying to use that as an opener to make the situation and our relationship to a more serious manner to make my final determination of if I should tell him or not. I really do want to, I am falling in love with him and as it is the thought of moving and leaving him causes my stomach to sink. So what I am asking for is an opinion from anyone who has been in a smiliar situation to give me some insight on if I am heading in the right direction of approaching this? Also anyone who may have told someone and had a bad reaction and how they were able to cope ? As much as I trust him myself I still worry as I'm sure anyone in a similar situation that they will become the "talk of the town", any insight would be appreciated.
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Don't ever put your life on hold or change your life plans for a man - ever. It's never a good idea to do that. No man is worth doing that for.
He obviously has to know about your HSV2 before moving the relationship on to the next level,when you do tell him I suggest you refer to your condition as cold sores which appear on your genitals rather than using the word herpes as that seems to be what strikes fear into people who don't have it,explain that when you have an outbreak you are at risk of infecting him therefore would have to abstain from sex during that time,try to find a much positive information on the condition to let him read so that any questions or concerns he may have can be answered,it is not something that should change the way he feels about you or your ability to have a normal sex life,all that is required is for him to know there will be times when sex is out of the question not only for the transmission risk but also your discomfort .....
Help him understand how stressful it has been for you to tell him this and your fear that he may reject you because of it, if he loves you and cares for you as I believe he does this will not stop him being with you nor should it .......
Try to remain calm and positive in your approach to telling him,remaining calm will help him understand there is little to be worried about,if he rejects you because of this then he is not the man for you and you will in time find someone who this will not concern in the slightest,although I'm confident he won't end the relationship on the basis of something that need not be a problem unless he wishes to create one ....
Good Luck, but I'm sure you won't need it he seems to care very much for you and won't let a very common condition like herpes change that.
Daisy
I have a journal entry that talks about telling. Just click on my name and then on journals.
Aj