Divorce and childrens behaviour

[Specs120]

Hi there,
I have two kids, 3 yrs and 4.5 yrs.  Our family split up in December and they see their dad every other weekend.  My question is, how do I handle them???  Ok, not that general, I mean specifically, their behaviour has become out of control.  By that I mean they won't listen, even the smallest thing like "Could you please put your back pack away?".  They listen at daycare and my daughter attends school and she listens there.  I have tried everything and they seem to literally be laughing at me.  Of course I am also stressed, not perfect, and am aware that my actions make them react also.  
Hopefully someone has been through this and has successfully come out the other side.
Thanks

[caitlynn21]

Hi, I also just recently separated from my child's father in August.  I only have one and he sees his father every other month for two weeks due to his job.  I have been having alot of problems with my son to and it seems to be getting alot worse then better.  I have 4 different people evaluating him right now because I am at a loss.  He is about to get kicked out of daycare because he has been acting out so bad.  My advice to you is its hard going through the separation and divorce for everyone involved.  Your kids are having just as hard of a time as you are and because they are so small they have a harder time expressing it then us.  They just cant comprehend why things are not the way they use to be. They maybe a little resentful towards you also but it has nothing to do with what you've done as far as being their parent its just because they want everything to be the same as it was before.  I know it is extremely hard not to show the stress your feeling but try not to show them that your afraid or worried or sad.  I really should practice what i preach because I am horrible at not showing my 4 yr old that I am stressed or upset. But I am trying and that is all I can do right now.  Try to get some counciling for them and yourself because whether you think you need it or not it can always help.  I was always thinking that I am the parent and I can do this all on my own.  I dont need any help, but when he kept getting worse then better I had to do something for him because what I was doing wasnt working for me anymore.  I have no idea if you feel anything like me but hopefully if you are this will help in some kinda way.  
Be consistent with them in your disiplining, Tell them once and if they do not do what your asking take action, everytime.  They arent taking you serious and you need to let them know you mean what you say and you say what you mean. Also I have found that my son loves being praised.  He loves to be told that he did a good job and that I am proud of him.  Try positive reinforcment also. When you see them doing something they are suppose to be doing with or with out you asking tell them thank you for doing that and I am happy you did it without being told, Like putting their back pack away where it was suppose to go as soon as they get home, or putting their shoes on when you ask them to with out hassle.  
Good luck sweetie I hope that it gets better for you,

[caitlynn21]

These are the things that I have learned and I hope they help you to.

[RockRose]

Their world has been turned upside down.   I think letting them express their rage and sadness is a good thing - even if it means the backpack stays in the hallway.

[margypops]

RockRose has it,, it cut them some slack,give them a lot of attention extra of everything, children want to please and be loved thats all if they act out they are saying Notice me I am hurting. If they are really having a bad day try the Naughty chair like the super nanny does on TV it really does work, it is good for them to have a time out, sit them on a chair(not together) and tell them why they are there ,they wont stay there but put them back over and over if you have to quietly no words after the initial explanation of why they stay there.until they are quiet the give them a big hug, their behavior is normal.Make sure they have games and are stimulated enough , reading books Music and Fun kids love dancing and fun and some Moms do aswell!!

[Specs120]

Thanks alot.  These are all things that I have been trying and am continuing to do.  We have gone, separately and together for counselling and continue to go.  They are let to do whatever tey want when they are at their fathers so when they come home, it is even harder.  I even get the "I want my daddy!!"  We are working through this and hopefully the other side will be even brighter.
I give them praise constantly, even the smallest things, and maybe I am just expecting them to be like adults, I am not totally oblivious to the fact that they are just kids and can't understand their feelings.  
We do alot of fun things together and I try to keep them busy but, of course, there are times when we can't be busy.  I have recently gotten a babysitter one night a week so we can go out, just one of them at a time and me and have "Mommy and me time".  That seems to help out alot.  I know they want that with their dad too, but he won't take them one at a time so.......we are working on that.
Thanks again, I really appreciate the insight everyone had.