Toddler aggression...what should I do?

[Facere23]

Hello everybody.  I hope everyone is doing well.  I guess I'll just put it out there....

     I've recently been babysitting my friend's son.  He is two.  And my DD is 18 months.  I thought it would be good for her to have another toddler around.  But, over the past couple of weeks, my friend's son has been getting progressively more aggressive.  And now he's been biting my DD.  He started with slapping, and pinching.  Now, He's biting....and when I say biting, i mean he's bruised her arm.  She has teeth imprint bruises up and down her one arm.  He has also, on a few occasions, hit her with toys.  I'm pretty sure that it's a territorial issue.  He's not one to share.  And he has a fit every time she comes near a toy that is near him.  So, I guess my question is....1.  How do I approach his mother about the issue without offending her? and  2. Time out doesn't seem to be working...Does anyone have another idea of how to discipline more effectively?   Thanks in advance.

[deanne11]

You really need to talk to the boys mother about the situation and discipline.  It will be her call on how your discipline him.  Not yours.  Unfortunately that is the problems with private/friend child care.  

From what I gather though that behavior is typical although unwelcomed.

You really need to sit down with that boy's mother and get a handle on it.

If he does tone it down, she should find another sitter....You don't want your friendship with her suffering for this.

I know I took it very personally when this stuff happened to my DD.

[Facere23]

Thank you.  I wanted to talk to her about it.  Up until now, we had agreed that the naighty spot would be his "discipline" while he's here.  But it's not working.  I wasn't asking for forms of discipline for me to use without first presenting them to her.  I wanted to get a few ideas to discuss with her to see what the best plan of action would be.

My babysitting him is only a temporary arrangement until a position opens up at the daycare.  She is on the waiting list.  And a position is supposed to open up sometime next month.  So, hopefully, we can resolve this before it puts any strain on our friendship.  That is something that I didn't think of as part of the problem until you mentioned it.  Thanks again.

[deanne11]

Unfortunately at his age, time out is really the only thing you can do.
Luckily my DD never was aggressive or a biter.

Of course now I have a son....so time will tell what he'll be like.

I tend to see more of the biters as boys....don't know why.

[Facere23]

Well, I was a biter when I was a toddler.  But, The way my parents managed it isn't an option for me.  lol.

[tiredbuthappy]

very typical toddler behavior. they are still too young to understand sharing. honestly, the best thing you can try to do is anticipate when the problem may occur and make sure you're right there. it's hard, but that's what i was taught when i was a toddler teacher. you can also look into doing different kinds of activities with them, where there is no "mine" and "yours." Fingerpainting and shaving cream are examples. You can also make things with them that is specifically theirs. For example, decorate paper towel tubes so that each can have their own telescope.

we had this poem posted in a toddler room-
Toddler Property Rules

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
If I think it's mine, it's mine.  

[tiredbuthappy]

slightly OT, but i like this one too!

Toddler Rules
Author Unknown

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.

If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.

[tiredbuthappy]

one last thought... forgot to mention that most daycare centers have pretty strict biting rules. let her know it's a problem now so that she can prepare the teachers. they should know in advance, so they can maybe prevent some instances. where i worked, a bite, no matter how soft, got a phone call home. Any bite that breaks skin, and the child gets sent home. 2 bites in a day that don't break skin, and the child gets sent home. This doesn't actually punish the child- it's more for the safety of the others in the class. i also have heard of children being thrown out of daycare for biting too much.

[Facere23]

I might try the paper towel tubes idea...that sounds like fun!  I just hope they won't try to eat them!   We tried the fingerpainting thing once...it was slightly tragic.  Apparently, paint tastes good.   I couldn't keep their fingers out of their mouths.  We've done the coloring thing, it worked a little better, I covered the entire table top with the paper and they each had their own box of crayons.  

Does anyone know of a good way to approach his mother about it?  I don't want to chance sounding accusing or anything.....i want to take a completely neutral approach so I don't chance offending her.

[Facere23]

Thanks again!

[tiredbuthappy]

"Just wanted to give you a heads up, especially since he's starting daycare and it's likely to be a bigger problem there..."

[kennedydp5]

LOL...  those were too cute and omg sooo true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also, what age does this kind of agression start at?  my nephew is only 9wks older than my youngest dd.  she is the only one that he tries to pick on.  any/every chance he gets he pushes her down, hits her, pulls her hair, pushes in the floor...  i don't know why!!!  he's not really agressive to any other child in the family...  just her!  is it b/c they are so close in age? (they are 17 months and 15 months old)

[Facere23]

Thanks for the poems.  I think I might print those..lol

[Facere23]

Thanks so much everyone.  I spoke to his mother today when she came to pick him up.  She wasn't offended at all.  We decided that the best way to go is when he gets out of hand, I'll call her at work and she'll talk to him.  If that doesn't work, we'll discuss @ that point whether she or his father will come get him.  I'm hoping a good talking to from his mother will do the trick.  He usually responds well to her voice.  Thanks again for all of the input.