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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Weird dysphoric feeling after having masturbated...
Answered by
Janice M Epp, PhD - Female sexual issues, Adolescent sexuality, Male sexual issues
Private Practice
Palo Alto - CA
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
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Weird dysphoric feeling after having masturbated...
by Obtrude, Oct 07, 2008 07:39PM
I have much trouble when it comes to having an orgasm...It gets too much to keep going, and I stop. That's it. I am wondering if -my inability to orgasm- is cause of my angst? Does this happen to anyone you know?
There is no feeling of shame when I do it.
I am usually depressed even if I do not masturbate, but after masturbating, I feel more depressed than usual.
I am not on any medication.
There is no feeling of shame when I do it.
I am usually depressed even if I do not masturbate, but after masturbating, I feel more depressed than usual.
I am not on any medication.
Doctor's Answer
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Oct 10, 2008 05:44PM
, Oct 10, 2008 05:44PMTo: Obtrude
Hi.
I think you’re asking about two separate issues: 1) difficulty orgasming and 2) feeling bad about self-pleasuring.
About orgasms:
When you say you “have trouble” with orgasms, I’m wondering whether you mean all the time, or just with a partner. If you’re getting discouraged and stopping before you have an orgasm during self-pleasuring, perhaps you might benefit from some of the following information.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I hear from women who expect to have orgasms from penis-vagina sex (p-v) alone. Please know that there’s nothing the matter with you other than you expect to respond exactly like your partner thinks you should respond; that is, to have an orgasm simply through p-v.
In women, the clitoris must be stimulated—either directly or indirectly—in order for orgasm to happen. The vagina, all by itself, is not all that rich with sensory nerve endings. In fact, only the first couple inches of are very sensitive, and they tend to be more responsive to direct stimulation rather than the more general stimulus p-v usually provides. For sure, plenty of women enjoy p-v immensely. From a physical perspective, that feeling of fullness can be nice, and can also provide some stimulation of the clitoris’ internal structure. Some sexual positions -- like women being on top, for instance -- can also provide more direct clitoral stimulation.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans (or head) of the clitoris. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm!
While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris.
About self-pleasuring:
Almost everyone feels insecure about self-pleasuring. We all want to know that what WE do is OK. If you’re holding on to some old messages that it’s somehow harmful or wrong, it might help you to know that there are no data to indicate that self-pleasuring is in any way harmful.
Here are some facts about self-pleasuring:
It’s the surest way to orgasm and the most effective way to learn about our sexual response cycle, as well as the surest way for women to learn to orgasm.
Another advantage is self-knowledge: How can you show a partner what you like if you don’t know yourself?
And the #1 reason for self-pleasuring: it’s fun!
Self-pleasuring is a part of who you are sexually—for your whole life, not just when you don’t have a partner. People self-pleasure from birth to death, when they’re alone and when they’re partnered. It’s just one of many options we have as sexual beings. It’s not better or worse than partner sex, just different—like steak is different than chicken.
Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality.
Many of us have deep shame about our sexuality--either our overt behavior, or the more primitive urges and images left over from childhood that we've never accepted. I’m wondering if this profound sense of shame is contributing to your feelings of sadness. I encourage you to read more about female sexuality and self-pleasuring. There are two books I recommend because they not only have important information, but they also contain lots of sharing by actual women about their own struggles to accept their sexual selves. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
“For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality” by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.
“The Hite Report” by Shere Hite
I think you’re asking about two separate issues: 1) difficulty orgasming and 2) feeling bad about self-pleasuring.
About orgasms:
When you say you “have trouble” with orgasms, I’m wondering whether you mean all the time, or just with a partner. If you’re getting discouraged and stopping before you have an orgasm during self-pleasuring, perhaps you might benefit from some of the following information.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I hear from women who expect to have orgasms from penis-vagina sex (p-v) alone. Please know that there’s nothing the matter with you other than you expect to respond exactly like your partner thinks you should respond; that is, to have an orgasm simply through p-v.
In women, the clitoris must be stimulated—either directly or indirectly—in order for orgasm to happen. The vagina, all by itself, is not all that rich with sensory nerve endings. In fact, only the first couple inches of are very sensitive, and they tend to be more responsive to direct stimulation rather than the more general stimulus p-v usually provides. For sure, plenty of women enjoy p-v immensely. From a physical perspective, that feeling of fullness can be nice, and can also provide some stimulation of the clitoris’ internal structure. Some sexual positions -- like women being on top, for instance -- can also provide more direct clitoral stimulation.
A major difference between women and men is that generally, the clitoris needs constant direct or indirect stimulation, unlike the penis. For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans (or head) of the clitoris. Also important is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. In contrast, once men have that first orgasmic contraction, not even a neutron bomb will stop their orgasm!
While many women enjoy p-v sex, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris.
About self-pleasuring:
Almost everyone feels insecure about self-pleasuring. We all want to know that what WE do is OK. If you’re holding on to some old messages that it’s somehow harmful or wrong, it might help you to know that there are no data to indicate that self-pleasuring is in any way harmful.
Here are some facts about self-pleasuring:
It’s the surest way to orgasm and the most effective way to learn about our sexual response cycle, as well as the surest way for women to learn to orgasm.
Another advantage is self-knowledge: How can you show a partner what you like if you don’t know yourself?
And the #1 reason for self-pleasuring: it’s fun!
Self-pleasuring is a part of who you are sexually—for your whole life, not just when you don’t have a partner. People self-pleasure from birth to death, when they’re alone and when they’re partnered. It’s just one of many options we have as sexual beings. It’s not better or worse than partner sex, just different—like steak is different than chicken.
Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality.
Many of us have deep shame about our sexuality--either our overt behavior, or the more primitive urges and images left over from childhood that we've never accepted. I’m wondering if this profound sense of shame is contributing to your feelings of sadness. I encourage you to read more about female sexuality and self-pleasuring. There are two books I recommend because they not only have important information, but they also contain lots of sharing by actual women about their own struggles to accept their sexual selves. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
“For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality” by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D.
“The Hite Report” by Shere Hite
Member Comments (4)
by Obtrude, Oct 10, 2008 09:08PM
To: Janice
Thank you...but I know all about the clitoris and all that good stuff. I can't orgasm because it gets too much to handle. "It feels too good." I'm not ashamed of doing it...I said that in my question...Ah...well, it's alright. Thank you though!
by Janice M Epp, PhD, Oct 13, 2008 01:30PM
, Oct 13, 2008 01:30PMTo: Obtrude
Your question is too complex for me to answer in this format. I'm not sure what you mean by "it feels too good." Perhaps you mean the intensity is frightening, so you stop the stimulation? Again, I refer you to Lonnie Barbach's excellent book, which has some helpful suggestions for dealing with this issue. Good luck to you. Dr. J
by chrissy2004, Oct 14, 2008 11:46PM
To: Janice M Epp,PhD
how do you know when you havin an orgasm???
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