Is this Normal?

[Strobe_Ann]

I have been with my husband 3 years, married 2 of those years. He stopped telling me that he loved me 2 months into our relationship. I was so infatuated with him I didn't see the truth. Which I will be the first to admit I was a fool. I cried all the time fighting for love....crying in vein. You see he is Mexican....I didn't know he was really with me for a Green Card, until he admitted it 2 months ago. He never loved me. I gave him all of me, a child, and his 2 year Green Card. Now, I had surgery 11 months ago...after my surgery I started seeing things so much more clearly. I felt more independent, more distant. We started fighting at least once a day. Our daughter who is 28 months old had to see and hear it all the time. I finally sat down four months ago and decided: I am 21 years old, I have been abused mentally, sexually, and physically my whole life. I have never been happy and all I want is happiness. My daughter doesn't deserve any of this either. I calmly told my husband I wanted a divorce. I felt no love for him anymore....I feel no love for him even now. After fighting for his love for 3 years I finally lost the little love I had left for him. He left for a week. He came back crying everyday, so I let him come back. Everything was good for 2 weeks, except for the fact that I felt sick every time he wanted to touch me. Then things went back to normal. I told him I didn't "need" him, I "wanted" him...but I didn't "need" him. We started fighting again so I kicked him out 2 months ago. A month and a half ago he comes and decides to let me know he wanted his green card that's why he got with me. Up until then I thought something was wrong with me, not loving him anymore. But then I figured it out all the infatuation was gone...he was never infatuated...now I see things for what they are. He didn't love me, he used me, he hurt me...deep down I had scar on top of scar, all I ever wanted was love from him. For all I was giving I just wanted a little back. So that was it I told him I never wanted to talk to him again. He could give me $200 a month for our daughter and have supervised visits with her 2 or 3 times a week. He lives in a town 30 minutes away...when he calls me to argue I tell him I don't want to talk to him anymore. Then he shows up in my town 45 minutes later looking for me. Is this normal? He calls asks the same questions 50 times gets the same answer every time and still acts incompetent. Is this normal? I lay every thing in detail on a silver platter and he doesn't get it. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, I want nothing to do with him....and yet I feel as if he is stalking me. Is this normal?  

[mami1323]

It sounds to me as if he said he married you for the green card out of spite but he probably did have some love for you or else he feels now like, he must have you because you don't want him any longer.  You're not really clear on what he's telling you when he comes to talk to you.  Is he wanting to get back together?  Is he belittling you?  Does he want to see his daughter?  You share a child together so you just can't get rid of him and not speak with him.  You both need to come to some sort of middle ground for the sake of your child.  

[Cootos]

I was in a somewhat similar stage...I broke things off with my ex 3 yrs after being together with a 6 month old girl....I faced many types of abuse in that relationship and I never can understand even now why I kept leaving and going back to him throughout our relationship....I had the same feelings of hate and discust towards him throughout the last year and a half of our relationship although for some reason I still "wanted him". After leaving him he visited constantly and wouldnt grasp the fact that we were done, he kept telling me he wanted to see his daughter yet when he came over for a supervised visit he would tell me he wanted me back and so on....I almost took him back, we even began holding each other and kissing even though I was grossed out he was even touching me. I ended up moving 2 hours away to get my life together and raise my little girl the best I could....I still gave him the option of supervised visits, he visited maybe twice since then and it's been 5 years. He dropped all communication on his own when she turned 3...no bday cards, no christmas presents....no phone calls....nothing... A wonderful man entered my life a year after I moved away and we just got married after 4 years together and had another little girl...I couldnt be happier...Sorry this is so long I just wanted to share my experience with you and my advice to you is to listen to your gut....I personally fear that he is using the visitations just to get to you as he has already manipulated your mind more than once...and the reasoning for you having to tell him the same things over and over is because he's not processing things clearly in his mind as he is still in denial of your relationship with him being over....please whatever you do...dont fall for his tears and words of abuse....you know him better than any of us...good luck!!

[sammy73]

You are right to have called and end to this, you are right to stay strong and stay determined that it is over.  After being through what you've been through, there's no way this could ever recover to a successful long-term relationship - there's too much history and too much damage done.

Not being American, I don't fully understand the deal with Green Cards.  If he's no longer married to you, could his Green Card be revoked and he'd have to return to Mexico?  If so, I'd guess that's why you are still getting so much hassle.  It's clear he wants something from you, I don't know what it is.

His behaviour certainly doesn't seem reasonable, but is consistent with someone who is desparate, worried, upset, and is not handling the situation well.  Asking the same question over and over is a symptom of not wanting to believe the answer he is getting, desparately wishing the answer was different.

He's got problems, but it's not your job to fix them, and I doubt you could even if you wanted to.  You have to prioritise looking after yourself and your child.  Because he's the child's father, you do have to let him see her, and it sounds like you are being quite reasonable about that.  You can't shut him out, so I'm afraid you are probably going to have to put up with this behaviour for a while until he eventually calms down and learns to accept the situation.  Just try not to let it bother you too much, and be calm but firm in your dealings with him.

[kjbandme]

I had to read this twice, so awful, you don't have to live this way!

Just two things:

1. THERAPY- if you feel like you have to work so hard for love, you need some serious healing. Don't stay with someone who STOPS saying they love you 2 months into the relationship.  

and

2. RESTRAINING ORDER - if you don't want to see him or talk to him (outside of scheduled child visits) and you make this absolutely clear and he still comes around, you go to the police and tell them you are being harassed. Period. No one should have to "put up with his behavior for a while".

You have the right to be loved and the right to protect your home and children.

Be strong!  Now that you found out how badly you've been treated, please get angry and stand up for yourself and your child.

all the best of luck to you

[kjbandme]

in short to answer your question:

no it is not normal and yes, you feel like he is stalking you because he is.  I hope you realize how serious this all is !!  the other posts seemed too casual about this.  If I were you I'd go to the police station today.