Should I tell my son the truth about his biological father?

[bettyr456]

My son is 12 years old and lives with the man he knows as his father, when we were divorced the judge asked me if i knew where the biological father was and since i didn't they granted my ex as the father and changed his last name to his. Now over the years little things have come out on his 4th b-day the man he knows as his father told him that he wasn't his father and so my son when he came home asked me about it and I told him the truth and told him that if he wanted me to I would find hid real daddy and he said yes. So it took me 7 years to find him which i did and told him about his son he thought i wanted money and i haven't heard from him since. In the last year my ex's mother has told my daughter who told our oldest son but not to the son thats not his. My son has made hints as to wanting to know when he can decide where he wants to live. My ex has said he will do whatever it takes for him not to find out the truth I feel that its time to tell him I have never lied to my children and he hasn't come right out and asked since he was four. So i guess my question would be would it be a good time to tell him or not he has already asked why his last name was different from the others and why he doesn't look like them. My ex was very abusive to me and disiplines the children to fear him which i don't agree with. So any thoughts would be great I am just stuck on when is a good time to tell him.

[Rebecca Resnik, PsyD]

Hello,
   the sad truth is that not everyone who fathers children is able and willing to care for them--this is the difficult concept you will have to communicate to your son. Since your son has some ideas about the truth, I believe you would be doing him a great favor by offering to answer his questions. You do not need to tell him all the nasty details about what type of man his father is, as that could be devastating for him to learn. If you offer to give the information your son wants to hear, it can be a great opportunity for healing. In the meantime, tell your relatives to stop gossiping and let you help your son understand the situation in a way that won't hurt him further.

Your son will probably want to know the answers to questions like: Why did my father leave (and was it my fault?), Can I meet him? and What is he like? The first question is the big one. You will need to let your child know that his father's absence had nothing to do with him or anything he did. Also make it clear that his father's leaving did not have anything to do with something your son did, and that you have 'left the door open' if his father becomes ready to make contact again. Let your son know that not every man can be a good father, and so you were able to find a man (your husband) who could give him the love and caring he deserves.

With respect to your son having a fantasy that he could go  live with his father, you should be honest about the fact that his father has made it clear that he does not want to be a parent. It is a common wish among young adolescents to go live with the same sex parent, so boys often have the idea that they belong with their fathers at this age. Your son probably daydreams a terrific reunification that will solve all his problems, and unfortunately this dream is not going to come true. Tell your son that it is a great shame that his father is missing out on what a great kid he has turned out to be, and emphasize how much you and his stepdad love and value him. If he wants to make contact, you might tell him that he can do so when he is 16 (or pick some age you feel comfortable with), but do set his expectations that his dad is not going to invite him to live with him or start acting like the father of his dreams.

The 80's movie Parenthood has a scene where a mother has to have just this conversation with her son, so you might rent it for some ideas for what to say.
The book Difficult Questions Kids Ask (And are Afraid to Ask) About Divorce is an excellent resource for these situations. If your son is having more problems (behavior problems, anxiety, depression, anger management issues) then I recommend finding a male therapist who can help him cope with these issues.

Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik

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