You know what you want from sex — but how do you get it? In his book, Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex and How to Get It, Marty Klein teaches you how to stop obsessing over the small details of sex — how you look, how you smell or how you measure up — so that you can truly enjoy the experience.
We sat down with the Dr. Klein to get the answers to some of your most common concerns and curiosities about sex and relationships — including how to get the sex you’re craving.
Q: Is it normal to not want sex? Is there anything I can do to get myself into the mood?
Dr. Klein: We don’t need to talk about what’s normal, because what’s normal is different from person to person — and it’s different at different times of your life.
As for what you can do to get in the mood — there are two questions: How do you increase your overall desire for the next twenty years or the next 6 months? Or, how do you get more in the mood tonight? And that’s the difference between weather and climate: The weather, it changes from day to day, and climate, is pretty predicable year after year. So, our overall level of sexual interest is kind of like the climate — whether or not you are in the mood tonight, that’s like the weather.
So how do you get more in the mood? By telling your partner the kinds of things that you like during sex. When you expect that the sex is going to be more enjoyable, then of course you look forward to it more.
Dr. Klein: If you want to know what’s on your partners mind, the single best thing you can do is to ask your partner. So, you’re concerned that your partner doesn’t find you attractive — you should ask her!
I’m a very big believer in communication. In my book I talk about the three C’s of good sex: communicate, communicate, communicate. Now I can’t guarantee this 100 percent, but generally, whatever you have to say is not going to cause the end of the world. Therefore, you’re better off communicating than not communicating.
Dr. Klein: First of all, before you have sex, make a list of everything that you want to do tomorrow — and that way you don’t have to think about anything. Then, make sure that there are things going on in the sex that you find entertaining. If nothing is entertaining, then of course there is nothing to catch your attention. Make sure there are things going on in sex that you want to focus on.
Dr. Klein: Wrong question. The right question is: I don’t know what she’s experiencing or feeling, how do I find out? Answer: Ask.
Dr. Klein: Nothing. You have cleverly arranged your life so that you have no time for sex. If you want to have time for sex, then you’ll have to rearrange your life so you have time for [it]. After you rearrange your time — then let’s see if you have sex!
Dr. Klein: You can’t [reach orgasm every time]. There’s no guarantee. That’s the difference between a parking meter and a vagina.
If you want to change the subject of the sex with your partner, then talk to your partner. If your partner is too focused on orgasm, say, “Sweetheart, I would like to ask to deemphasize orgasm a little bit,” or “I would like for us to focus on something else so it’s more likely that I’m going to have an orgasm.”
Every woman is different and every woman has to find out for herself what leads to orgasm. For some women, it’s having something go in and out of her vagina, for other women, it’s having her clitoris stimulated — and for some it’s both!
So, it sounds like you need to talk to your partner and design the sexual experience so that it’s more likely to result in you having an orgasm. If he cares about you, he’s going to want the sex to be that way for you, too.
Q: When my boyfriend gives me oral sex, sometimes he does things that don't feel good. I want to tell him, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. How can I bring it up?
Dr. Klein: You say, “Sweetheart, I have a piece of information and if I share it with you, I bet that I would enjoy oral sex with you more. Would you like it?” If he says yes, give it to him — if he says no, get a new boyfriend!
Dr. Klein: No, his porn watching is not the problem. The problem is you’re feeling that you need to imitate what’s in porn. So cut it out! Don’t imitate what’s in porn — be yourself!
Dr. Klein: Well, how do you talk about anything without freaking someone out? You talk to them in a calm, friendly and gentle way — you smile, put your hand on their knee and you talk to them when they’re not busy doing other things. You talk to them when you have not been drinking. You talk to them when the two of you have enough time to talk about whatever it is that you want to talk about.
You want to create an environment in which you and your partner feel comfortable and you can talk about practically anything. If they get confused or anxious, just put your hand on their shoulder and say, “Okay, just talk to me about what you’re nervous about.”
Published February 26, 2013