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Back to the Drawing Board

Mar 23, 2011 - 0 comments

While I've had more than enough education on food and how it works in my body, quite apparently I've been insisting on barking up the wrong tree. If it wasn't for ME, food wouldn't be such a huge issue. So, I have to do more digging into my own head to sort out why every diet or every few pounds lost is both exhilarating and the end of the world in the same moment, 'cause that's where the problems lie.

Have to Start Getting Myself Together

Feb 26, 2011 - 0 comments

Well, 48 lbs came sailing back the moment I let my sugar dependency take center stage again. Some of the old familiar health problems are starting to creep back in, such as joint and muscle pain, fatigue, and so on.

Before I end up at absolute ground zero for a starting point, which is only 15 more pounds more, I'm going to have to face up to the fact that I'm going to keep getting what I'm getting as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, and that's it. It's a tired old song which I've sung since my first diet at 12 years old, but as my weight continues to climb to new heights with each letdown, I have to keep shoveling the walk even though it has never stopped snowing for me.

It's a battle that has to go on, and no amount of crying and complaining on my part is going to make that any less true. It's just my bad luck that I've become dependent on food to alter my state of mind and to keep me company just like any drug, but UNLIKE any drug, I can't stop eating altogether and expect to last very long. I feel a lot like an alcoholic who is told that they HAVE to drink every day, just in moderate amounts, all the while realizing that such advice is always doomed from the start. Oh well. Time for another round of depression, deprivation, and denial.

Yep, Screwed Up

Dec 20, 2010 - 0 comments

It didn't take long to reinstate my sugar dependency after my partner's birthday in October. For whatever reason, the bounceback to my healthier plan became extremely rough...probably because like a smoker, I have no real substitute for the void that eating sugary stuff occupies, particularly when life just doesn't add up week after week and I become disheartened. Unfortunately, as I already knew, nothing piles on the pounds faster than sugar, and months of work was destroyed in just a few weeks.

I realize, of course, that I accomplished this horrendous outcome with my own two hands and mouth, and that no one was sitting on my chest and forcing me to do the things that I knew would cripple me. For some sick hunger for self-destruction, I wanted to push the limit...and I lost playing my own game.

What kept the whole down-spiral going is that for whatever inexplicable reason, the pancreatic pain that has been plaguing me since May pretty much disappears when I eat sugary stuff, and returns with a vengeance when I try to return to healthy food, which just is NOT FAIR AT ALL. There is no earthly reason why that should be, and it's enough to make me believe in conspiracy.

I'm going to have to bite the bullet and take whatever punishment may come, because my clothes are getting tighter and I got rid of all my super large sizes. I have only the next size up and then I'm on my own. Hate the holiday season.

Off the Wagon

Nov 14, 2010 - 0 comments

Well, the holiday season, as it usually does, bit me in the backside with major sugar overload. From my partner's birthday on October 22, I found myself having a really hard time trying to back off from some old favorite sugar foods, which over time snowballed into a major setback as old habits came to visit me once again with their usual baggage of extra weight. I put on EIGHT pounds in NINE days, just from eating REGULAR sugar at some point every day. That should be fracking impossible, but it taught me the lesson that I've been trying to learn all along: Sugar acts in the body like pure starch, and it gets converted to fat at an astronomical rate for me, and more so now than ever before in my lifetime. To make a gambling reference, the table's the same, but the game has changed!

Life has been uprooted in other ways as well, which probably didn't help my better judgement in the dietary department. Our dear friend who had a major stroke at our home in July was released from the nursing home FINALLY on October 23, and now he is staying with my partner and I as he continues to recover. Both men in the house are disabled and in wheelchairs and require a fair amount of assistance in daily living, a job which falls entirely in my jurisdiction as I've been caregiving full time since 2002 and certainly have enough experience and savvy to keep both patients well maintained and safe. So far, so good. I'm certainly beaten up in my energy capacity and sleep is harder to get than ever before, but with two happy and healthy patients in the house, I get through it knowing that they are both thriving because of the efforts I put in on their behalf.