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Day off for Birthday Indulgence

Jun 17, 2010 - 0 comments
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birthday

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Weight

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loss

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stress

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Eating

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experience

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learning

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success

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healthy

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thinking

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positive

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clearly

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relaxed

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dessert

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sugar

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chocolate

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ice cream

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strength



Weight hasn't been doing much, in fact 2 pounds zipped back on for no reason except to be stubborn this Sunday, which are slowly coming off again.

No matter, as today I got a free scoop of ice cream, whipped cream, and melted chocolate for my 35th birthday, which I enjoyed for what it was: a welcome reward for continuing the fight to stay alive as opposed to the alternative :)

Oddly, I was completely relaxed while the mound of rich vanilla ice cream was placed in front of me. My dieting days would have put me on a tightwire of stress, fear, and uncertainty in identical circumstances, since I would immediately be thinking ahead to all the time AFTER the dessert when I would be fighting the urge to keep "the moment" going by eating more desserts and sugary stuff long after the fact.

While the rest of my day's fruit quota was used up by the gooey dessert, I don't particularly care to have any more than what I had, which is an experience I have only dreamed of up until now. Being able to look at sugary desserts head-on and think "Meh, I can either take it or leave it" is a glorious realization in my eating training.

I've built up enough strength to be confident in my preferences and forgiving in my allowances while still having the presence of mind to keep it all in balance. Yay!

A Bit Leery...

Jun 08, 2010 - 0 comments
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Weight

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Weight Loss

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food

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abdominal

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Skin

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muscles

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abdomen

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fat

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loose

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Diet

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difficult

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Obsessive

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saggy



Well, while weight loss is progressing at a slower, but still steady rate, I am noticing to my chagrin that my lower belly, which has always been large and certainly was massive at my heaviest weight, has begun to sag a bit as it shrinks...which is filling me with visions of ending up with a lifeless bag of stretched-out skin drooping haplessly from my abdomen at the end of my journey.

I had actually HAD liposuction on my lower belly some years ago, as for some physiological reason that part of my body insisted on ballooning out even at my lowest weight of 127, which gave me a distinct "pregnant" appearance. I'm thinking now that I should have gone in for the tummy tuck, as my abdominal muscles were still loose and my gut still protruded even AFTER the liposuction.

Even if I don't end up with a "bag" below my belly button, the skin certainly will be a lot looser and flimsier in that area. Nuts.

On some level I'm still fighting the urge to tinker with my food portions. That goes to show you how insidious the dieting mentality is. I can sense that I'm still obsessive about "rules" now and then, and a corner of me still gets panicky if I think that I am on the brink of "breaking" any of those rules, which just makes life more difficult all 'round for the rest of the day which is JUST what I didn't want by trying to just learn how to eat. *sigh* The only way to sort that out is to break one of these arbitrary rules deliberately and then wait in vain for Armageddon to arrive...which I know it won't. So there. Ha.

A Whole New Level of Stress

May 22, 2010 - 0 comments
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levels

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stress



It was taped to our front door yesterday: NOTICE OF FORECLOSURE.

Even though we have been paying into a temporary mortgage modification program and haven't missed a month, our deed to the house was apparently sold from underneath us 9 months ago to a company in California who now intends to auction our home June 9, 2010 to the highest bidder. Which means, at that point, we are marked for eviction.

With a partner in a wheelchair, 2 cats, and both of us unemployed for over a year and less than $80 to our name at the moment, suddenly we're faced with having to find a place a wheelchair can get into...and a place that accepts cats...at almost no notice. My partner's sister has been supporting us financially and this news is not going to go over well, as moving and storage costs on top of rental costs will soon be coming into the picture.

The house, admittedly, was too big for just the two of us and there were a couple rooms that were hardly ever used along with a pool in the backyard that has been seeing more traffic from passing leaves than people. I was prepared to downsize, but my partner was stubborn in keeping the house. Now we're going to lose a lot more than that for reasons that could have been avoided 3 years ago.





New Jeans Size 18!

May 14, 2010 - 1 comments
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new

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18

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size 18

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size

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jeans

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years

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Weight

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shopping

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Weight Loss

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smaller

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clothes

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progress

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success



The time finally came for me to invest in a new pair of jeans after my old 22/24 Women's size pairs became too uncomfortably loose to wear after having lost over 30 lbs by now.

It was quite the experience to be shopping for a SMALLER size after nearly 2 years of trying to find the next size up in despair. While not all sizes are made equal, as I soon was reminded...it was awesome knowing that no matter what size I ended up with, it too will become too big in the next few months.

I also got to go through my entire wardrobe closet to start weeding out the 3X and 4X sizes, dusting off my long-awaited 2X, 18/20 Women's clothes...even down to my underwear which finally qualified for size 10 rather than sizes 11-13.

Trying on all the things that I haven't been able to wear for over 2 years and having them fit perfectly was a crazy sensation. Even more so since I am not torturing myself into a smaller size with punishing exercise regimes and fad dieting. It's almost like I've been losing weight for free!

Some of our friends, only now, are starting to drop hints that they may be noticing a difference in my appearance after all this time. Past a certain weight, it seems, every 10 lbs lost only looks like 4 or 5 from the outside, if that. Now that my XXXL clothes are doing time in a plastic bag in the closet and my 2X clothes are ready to make their comeback, the changes will be even MORE noticeable!