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still clean

Apr 08, 2010 - 0 comments

been a while since i wrote, but nothing much going on except back on lamictal & xanax & klonipin for anxiety and bipolar. it ***** ***, the anxiety & panic attacks.

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been a while now

Mar 25, 2010 - 0 comments

cant say that im not an addict, because i am. even though i havent had an opiate for a long time now, i still find the actual ritual of taking a pill, any pill, even a vitimin, part of the pill habit i had....its so odd, but its always there.

my 5 yr old daughter had her adnoids out in dec, and they gave her hydrocodone syrup for the pain. although i didnt touch it, and believe me, just seeing that word on the label in my medicine cabnit made me want to just grab the bottle and chug it full knowing that it wouldnt even get me high, but just the fact it was there burned in my mind constantly. i waitet 4 day till she didnt need it any more before dumping it and getting rid of it. im proud of myself for not drinking it...so pathetic id steal my 5 yr olds meds she needed after surgery, but thats the addict in me rearing its ugly head, i just had to stay strong and shut it up and i did it. feeling so much better for it too.

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its been so long

Mar 13, 2010 - 0 comments

i still love the actual ritual of taking pills, weather is a vitamin to my regular bi polar meds, but theres always some kind of little hope that i just might get a buzz from them, and i never do...its just  i the back of my head lately.

i could have gotton some pills on sunday, it was all i could do not to ask for them. i take my xanax and my klonopin as directed for the most part, but some days i need an extra and then im shorted and i suffer for it. and its not like i even get a buzz of either one of thoes either!

i dont get it how some people are getting a buzz of xanax, maybe because i actually need the stuff i have a different reaction to it? idk...but it keeps the panic attacks away which has been HUGE for me lately with my stress level.

i wish i could just have that buzz one more time right now so i could forget about all the bs im dealing with, but then you know right back where ill be so i ll let the feeling pass and go so something else, maybe take a vitamin and that might help. but if o inly had some lortabs today...if only....im still and addict...

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