When last we heard from him he was in "no position for a relationship -- short or long-term."  He was planning to move back to China as soon as possible.  He felt I was pressuring him because I invited him to a football game. So he cut me off and wasn't even going to tell me about it.  He finally responded to an email where I had said if he didn't write and tell me what was going on I was going to call him.  He told me I needed to live my life without him and we should have no further contact of any kind.  And that was that.  I have made No attempt to contact him.  Now, fast forward to a couple of days ago.  I am on Match.com doing a little dating, nothing serious.  For whatever reason, it crossed my mind to see if Russ might be on Match.  Well, what do you know there he was.  Not in China -- still here in SC and get this -- he's looking for a LONG term relationship, "someone to grow old with."  More than once in my life I thought that person was going to be me.  I thought we were meant to be together.  He made me laugh; he made me think.  We had deep conversations.  We cried together and we laughed so much.  I had the BEST date of my life with him (and there wasn't even any sex).  

When he cut me off it hurt so much and finding him on Match brought back up all that rejection.  Since I discovered him the other day, I have cried, been generally miserable.  Nothing suits me.  I've been a ***** and work and even to strangers -- and that's just not who I am.  I have examined all the aspects of our relationship and determind that I was at fault.  I wasn't good enough at anything.  I talked too much about my problems but never told him I'm BP.  I tried but he couldn't hear what I was saying.  I feel shame.  I feel wrong.  I want to contact him.  What would I say?  What would he say?  Would I want him back?  Why am I selectively picking out the good things and forgetting that in the end he treated me like S*$t!  I should just respect his boundaries and leave him alone, right?  I miss him.  I wish I understood.  I want forgiveness and I want to forgive.  I want to stop being so scared.  I don't know what to do.  

A spark, that's what it feels like I am missing.  I have been so dull lately.  Bored, lonely, sad, foggy, gritty, etc.  Feel scared most of the time.  Feel shame all of the time.  Thinking about-- change that-- planning on stopping my Lamictal for awhile.  Wonder how long before I see any changes, if at all?  I want to feel energized.  I want to enjoy my life again.  I want my creativity back.  I never understood why anyone would want to go off their meds but now I do.  I want to be stop being in this rut...this misearable rut I'm in.  I want to laugh and think clearly.  Maybe this is the only way.  See my shrink next week.  She would say don't do this.  What do you think?  Kim

Can't seem to focus today.  Woke up with Brain fog and it lifted but I forgot my ADHD meds and I haven't gotten anything done.  I want to leave work and go home but I can't.  I must find a way to make it through this work day.  Have a meeting in a few.  Hope I can get thru it.  Feel like I have broken a rule or something.  Scared feeling.  

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I'm cycling.  It's scary and I wish there were something more to do than to just ride it out.  Home in bed.  Limiting contact with those who distress me.  Forcing myself to eat but then it won't stay down.  Anxiety so bad.  Sadness but no tears.  If it weren't for my need to work, I'd take all week off and try to get myself together.  If it weren't for the stigma, I'd check myself into a hospital.  But can't do that.  So sleepy now.  Must get some rest.  7:30 PM -- ah yes, the depression settles over me like the fog.  

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