Feb 22, 2010
Today I went to the gym and did the intervals cardio on the treadmill for the first 20 minutes. Then I did the machines the way the book says to, working each exercise to muscle failure. My upper body needs work, for sure. I was shaking like crazy trying to lift the weight, but I made it through. I thought it would be harder because since I did the bodyweight exercises on Friday, my muscles have been so sore...I suppose that's a good thing because it's supposed to mean that the muscle is rebuilding and I'm getting stronger. More muscle means more fat burned, so I have to stay focused on that. All in all the workout went pretty quickly, and I'm glad I don't have to do it again until Wednesday, lol!
I'm a bit concerned that I got so emotional at church yesterday. The sermon really convicted me about how I've been neglecting my walk with the Lord. It came down hard on me, as it had been building for quite some time but I could hardly contain myself as I spilled my guts to some lady I have never met before, telling her about the last 4 years of my life and all of the torment I've been through. It felt good to get it out, but I had previously promised myself I wouldn't do that here in my new home in Texas. I wanted to leave it all behind me, but I suppose it will follow me for the rest of my life. I have two choices; I can either let it destroy me slowly or I can let it go and hang onto my faith and let it make me a stronger, better person. I thought I had let it go, but somehow it keeps creeping up on me whenever I have time to think, which is why I keep choosing to do things that prevent me from thinking, whether it be online games, crafting, watching tv or drinking. Now that we're settled into our home reality has struck and I'm faced with my life ahead of me. I counseled with someone at the church office and was basically told what I already know. Just have faith and stop beating myself up for what I have no control over, and most certainly find ways to strengthen my faith with prayer, devotions, bible reading and getting active in church. I KNOW all of that, it's just been so hard to do because I always fall back and think about my kids and their futures, and how I'm going to deal with it all as a mother. But I'm also Allan's wife and I need to be just that for him. I cannot control the choices my kids make, and I have to let them face the consequences of their own choices, but the mom in me just wants to nurture them.
Maybe it's all the stress of trying to play the happy game that's been keeping my body unwilling to lose weight. Smiling and pretending that all is right with the world can be hard when you're screaming inside and no one can hear you. Why has all of this come back to haunt me now? I'll be so glad to go on vacation in two weeks with my hubby and enjoy all the fun we will have together, when I can forget again.