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Using

Oct 14, 2010 - 0 comments
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normal

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Suboxone

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mood tracker

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Life

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using



I'm having to use at the moment cause just got kicked off my suboxone script but hoping to get put back on it some time next week. I'm trying to limit the amount that I'm taking so it's just what I need 'to feel normal'. I hate this life

Mood Tracker

Oh How Clever I Am!!!!!

Oct 12, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

drugs

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Suboxone

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Life



I have relapsed again. Everything was going so well. I had started college and I finally felt like my life had structure to it and that I had a plan and I was so confident that I was going to do it.
But then one day a couple of weeks ago, I got offered some valium and took them thinking that they would just chill me out. In hindsight, I knew that all they were going to do was ruin everything just like they always do :( So then because I was out of my mind on valium, I used the money that I needed for college to buy lots and lots of heroin. So I basically dropped out - even though I think I would have been kicked out because it had been explained to us at the start of the course that if you miss days and don't have a good reason for being off, your money will get stopped straight away and you may be asked to leave the course. Because I had spent the money on heroin, that meant that there was no way that I could get to college (it's in a different city) and it costs quite alot a day to get there. There was no way that I could find the money to get there. What an idiot. I had known for 6 months that I was going to college and I was all prepared and I was so positive and excited and I just wanted to do really well and make my mum proud and myself. Show myself that I could do something and follow it through to the end. Mucked up big time.
Also I didn't go and pick up my suboxone script for a week and a half because I was so out of my head, I just forgot. I think there must have been a point where I remembered but I didn't care because I had heroin so I didn't need the suboxone. I have big memory gaps - oh the wonders of valium!! So my script got stopped.
So at the moment I have nothing. Nothing at all. So I am having to use heroin everyday, just to feel human. I am using as little as I can.
I have spoken to my drugs counsellor who is going to get me back on suboxone as soon as she can but she said that I could try methadone because I have mucked up my suboxone script twice now. But that's because for some stupid reason, I decided to take valium. But I think that I am going to stick to suboxone. I will have to be put on a higher dose now. It is so annoying because I was down to 2mg a day.
So that's where I am right now. Feel so annoyed with myself. I feel like sometimes, someone comes and takes over my body for a couple of weeks and just acts like a complete and utter idiot. Then I come back and have to pick up the pieces.
I am starting again. Going to try and be positive and kick this demon to the kirb once and for all this time.

So I've Been An Idiot Again!

Aug 07, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

down

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idiot



So today I went and bought a bit of heroin and snorted it. Don't know why. I feel like such an idiot. I'm on 6mg of Suboxone which has just been put down today. I started on 12, then 10 then 8 and as of today 6. I feel like a complete fool. I've let myself and everyone else down. I hate myself for being so weak, just wish I was stronger

S xxx

HAPPY!!! :-)

May 20, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

happy



So today I went to the chemist as usual but today my mum gave me a lift then we went to the shops.I bought a new mobile phone (as I'd sold the other one a couple of weeks ago for some Heroin), and some make-up. It was the best feeling to be able to spend money on things that I wanted rather than counting every penny and making sure that I had enough for Heroin.I had a huge smile on my face all day.My mum kept asking what I was smiling about and I just told her I was happy,which is true.For once I am truly happy!!! :-) The 12mg of Suboxone that I'm on is definitely a miracle - without it......I don't even want to think what would be going on in my life if I didn't have it.

Sinead x