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Beach house dream

Sep 30, 2010 - 0 comments
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dreams



So I had a really vibrant, multi-layered dream last night and I remember a surprisingly lot of it.

Part of the dream I was commuting there and having to take all of these trains and buses. I again was getting used to the transportation system as I was new to the area, but I also felt experienced...like I knew how to figure out my way around well or I had been there before, so had remembered. I think I was in someplace like boston, because I ran into Gretta and she wanted to stay with me because they were kicking her out of her government housing. They wanted to put her out in the countryside rather than in town. Her previous house had been right on the harvard campus and was fabulous, but she didn't like it because the police knew it was government housing and would stop out front and say something about it being a shame (in their boston accents) that this went to poor people.

I lived in a house on the beach with some other late 20-early 30s people. I was hosting people kind of like couch surfing and my roommates did as well. We had an extra loft and when one person's guests left we would invite new guests. I was thinking of inviting Gretta, but I was hesitant...unsure of what it would be like to live with her. At some point I thought that she would bring Gloria to live with us as well...and that they would never leave. I was worried about being taken advantage of. Along the same lines they guys that I had hosted through couch surfing were in town and I was trying to decide if I was going to sleep with him. He had a big D, but I kind of laughed at it because that was his only asset.His little kid of a cousin was there as well. I think I might have slept with him in the past, but I decided not to do it again.

I think my housemates and I were teachers, because we had this huge party for the school (or I was a new student and thought it was great that all of the teachers came). They were off by the shore partying and I hadn't joined them. I was enjoying having the house to myself and I was taking my time getting ready - I think I was looking for my lavender spray at some point and started to use the raw essential oil. There was one of my roommate's girlfriends and though she was prettier than me and had a similar clothing style, her hair was big and I felt that she was more superficial than me (the roommates didn't like her).

Anyways, I was considering joining them and I began dancing out side of the house by the beach. I was experimenting with level changing movements (going from feet to hands to ground) and I think I kind of fell on my face during one movement). Someone saw me and they thought that I was trying to clean something. I had feelings of exhilaration to be dancing and doing my own thing while other people were in with the crowd, but also "I don't care" about someone seeing me and not understanding, but there was also some frustration and embarrassment that they didn't recognize what I was doing and see how awesome it was....that they just didn't understand.

That is when I woke up.



ingredients

May 25, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

ingredients

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Hope

,

responsibility

,

Work

,

Life

,

jung

,

relationship

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Depression

,

Herpes



So I am trying to be logical about what my choices might be for my future so I can stop flailing and start finding something real. In response to my dream last night here are  my ingredients..as in the wonderful gifts I have been given that are waiting for me to use them:

*- international experience...I have a lot of it
*- nonprofit experience...some goes for that
- ability to write...may not have formal experience and may not be disciplined about it and may be too colloquial, but I can write when moved
- desire to help people - I may not be motivated when I don't believe in the cause, though
- experience with loss
*- experience with herpes
*- experience with madness...depression
- love of dance (though no talent)
- creativity (though not always follow through)
*- I am in india, so I can network here
*- I know a bit about micro and small enterprise finance
- I know a bit about nonprofit organizational development
- I know a bit about curriculum design
*- I am good with people (friendly)
- I know basic web and publication design
- I know good music :-)
- I analyze my life to minutia and try to find answers that many don't ask
- I love showing new visitors around mumbai
- I love spending time with friends
- I love meeting new people

I know there are things that I don't see and that I don't see clearly right now - part of the frustration, but I also feel like my frustration is part of the problem. If you are really in the cooking zone you look for your next ingredient and something just kind of pops out at you from the gifts/choices/opportunities you have been given. I just need to get into that cooking zone - not sure how to do that. When I was getting acupuncture I was definitely there, so I know what it feels like, but I am so far from there now and don't know how to get back. Maybe the problem is that I keep looking at the ingredients I know about - what I have in my hand and I am not thinking about the fact that there are and will be ingredients that I don't see right now, but will be useful in the future. Also I don't feel like I see the ingredients that are there right now. The table with the ingredients is shadowed in the dream, but also I don't really look at it - all I see are the mushrooms and spinach right in front of me...the cook is asking me for them and I am a bit distracted - I think I hand them to him, but in a half-hazard way and I feel like some of it spills on the floor. Or maybe I don't hand them at all...I can't even remember if I helped the cook at all because I am so distracted and preoccupied with protecting myself 9maybe just like I am writing this entry rather than starting my work day).

Okay, so I feel like I need to stop looking at the ingredients and I feel the need to just start throwing things into the pan - it is hot and ready and it is my move now. Let's get cooking!

This is my interpretation of the dream I had last night: I've invited my personal demons into my house and the things of my childhood will not protect me (protect me from what? I think of them as bad vampires (too much Anne Rice before bed) perhaps the goal is to protect me from losing all hope/from soul death/from suicide... the strange thing is that with my obsession with vampires right now there is a part of me that wants them even though I know they are evil, bad and will be harmful, to me and I am afraid. I feel like I realized a  bit late that they are bad for me (after I invited them home) and now I am rushing to create a protection with the help of these super natural good beings.

I need to make new things to help protect me and right now I am relying on a higher power to do it and I am flailing around trying to decide what to do while he cooks away. It seems in the dream that he will continue to cook despite my flailing and it will turn out (the dream doesn't say if the outcome is good or not...just that it is made of human life and humanity and will protect me from the demons and nourish me...sounds pretty good), but I feel ashamed that I didn't even help...let alone do the cooking myself...let alone try to learn the recipe (like I am not learning from my cook and not learning hindi in real life). And now that I think about it I understand that this help is not supposed to be forever...it is not like I hired this supernatural being to cook for me full time and what he has made will only sustain me for a while...I NEED to learn from him how to make things in the future. I feel like I lost the chance...that the cooking is done and all I have is the aroma in the kitchen and the final product and I don't know how to replicate it - just like with my cook at home in real life. And the end of the dream where he is measuring out the result and showing me exactly how many servings I have - it is a way of letting me know that I only have this protection for a limited time once he is gone. And instead of being grateful I am frustrated because he is just showing me how many servings there are rather than wrapping it up in the serving portions, so I know how much to take each time. There is no thanks or appreciation just a wanting of more services.

But maybe I need to realize that replication is not as important as the necessity of trying. My result will probably (almost assuredly) not be as good as what the helper created, but I need to try. And I need to thank him for creating this for me...having patience and caring enough to do it for me.

Thank you. I feel a lot of love and I feel taken care of. Thank you for your patience.I'm sorry I was ungrateful and didn't realize things until I woke up from my dream. I'm sorry that I wasted the opportunity you gave me (or didn't see the opportunity until it was over - was too busy flailing over what should be done about my demons to notice what I really should have been doing to prepare to fight them...in the dream I am not being lazy, but I am distracted by my own preoccupation with trying to figure things out rather than doing something or watching what was going on around me and learning from what others are doing). I guess that is my fear. The opportunity to learn is over - I am on my own and I didn't bother to learn the things I need to know and now I need to figure out how to throw things together myself and it scares me. I am doing it not with loving patience, kindness, and calm, but with desperation and fear. It is not a good feeling. Maybe that is what I am realizing - it is not the ingredients, but how you put it together - his patience and strength and responsibility. I'm doing what is necessary with fear and he was doing what was necessary with a strength and confidence.

That is what I seek in a partner, but I see my need to become that myself so I don't need to rely on someone else (though part of me would love it if he could come along and take are of it all for me for good, but I know that wasn't the way it was going to be in the dream). I could tell in the dream that he did not do this out of infatuation for me - though he did feel a caring responsibility (like the warriors in the house of night) - so I cannot expect him to stay. I don't want him to go. I want to rely on him forever rather than taking responsibility.

If I could talk with him now I would ask him to make another batch and to show me what to do this time, but maybe that is the secret of it - it is not a recipe you can learn, but one that you feel and I need to have confidence that I can feel it for myself.

Let's take out the pans and see what I can make not out of fear, but out of love and peace and self-confidence. Wow - I say that and I have no idea where to start.

dreams again

May 25, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

vampire

,

dreams

,

Love

,

food

,

Work



So I had more interesting dreams last night. The bit I can remember is that I was at a version of my home and I was with a couple of good supernatural beings (I think they were vampires) and they were going to try to protect me from some bad ones. Apparently my home had protected me from them before, but things have changed and we needed to figure out how to do it again. One of my suggestions was a couple of nightlights that used to be in the hallway and in my room. One was also cooking something that the homey smell was supposed to show love and make them not want to come (I guess love and comfort drive them away now that I think back on it??). I was to help with the cooking, but I am too distracted and afraid (well more in an excited way) and want to do something more, though now I look back on it and I could have calmly helped with the cooking and that might have made it better because it would have my love in it too. When done cooking the supernatural creature was measuring out servings which could protect me. I thought it was doing it wrong, because it wasn't measuring them into separate dishes, but just measuring it to see how many servings there were. I felt like the food was made of human somehow, but not in a disgusting way...like it represented our lifeblood and humanity

What I take away from this is that i am not able or am not doing things to protect myself. I am relying on old comforts rather than trying to make my own new ones - I want someone else to make new ones for me. I guess that is how I see my interest in dating. It isn't so much someone to share my interesting life with, but someone to save me from an uninteresting and ultimately dismal and selfl-damaging one. Again, I feel like I am choosing a path right now and I am afraid I am going to choose one that makes me unemployable where I will end up in that trailor, alone, and eventually suicidal. I need to believe that I can do good work even if I have not shown it in the past 3 years. I have to believe that I can perform under pressure and that I can do well even though that is not what I have seen of myself in this job.

I woke up thinking of Ben and feeling sadness and despair again. I used an OK cupid face match thing to have people rate pictures of me against other women and I was chosen half or less than half of the time and the best pictures of me were ones where you couldn't see me. That hurts me even more to know that I am not attractive. I mean, I always knew it, but to have it confirmed publicly is sad.

I don't remember the rest of the dream, but I feel like I was somehow involved with vampires, but not one - like I was a pet?

I did go to bed reading the vampire lestat, so thus the vampire dream :-)

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