So I had more interesting dreams last night. The bit I can remember is that I was at a version of my home and I was with a couple of good supernatural beings (I think they were vampires) and they were going to try to protect me from some bad ones. Apparently my home had protected me from them before, but things have changed and we needed to figure out how to do it again. One of my suggestions was a couple of nightlights that used to be in the hallway and in my room. One was also cooking something that the homey smell was supposed to show love and make them not want to come (I guess love and comfort drive them away now that I think back on it??). I was to help with the cooking, but I am too distracted and afraid (well more in an excited way) and want to do something more, though now I look back on it and I could have calmly helped with the cooking and that might have made it better because it would have my love in it too. When done cooking the supernatural creature was measuring out servings which could protect me. I thought it was doing it wrong, because it wasn't measuring them into separate dishes, but just measuring it to see how many servings there were. I felt like the food was made of human somehow, but not in a disgusting way...like it represented our lifeblood and humanity
What I take away from this is that i am not able or am not doing things to protect myself. I am relying on old comforts rather than trying to make my own new ones - I want someone else to make new ones for me. I guess that is how I see my interest in dating. It isn't so much someone to share my interesting life with, but someone to save me from an uninteresting and ultimately dismal and selfl-damaging one. Again, I feel like I am choosing a path right now and I am afraid I am going to choose one that makes me unemployable where I will end up in that trailor, alone, and eventually suicidal. I need to believe that I can do good work even if I have not shown it in the past 3 years. I have to believe that I can perform under pressure and that I can do well even though that is not what I have seen of myself in this job.
I woke up thinking of Ben and feeling sadness and despair again. I used an OK cupid face match thing to have people rate pictures of me against other women and I was chosen half or less than half of the time and the best pictures of me were ones where you couldn't see me. That hurts me even more to know that I am not attractive. I mean, I always knew it, but to have it confirmed publicly is sad.
I don't remember the rest of the dream, but I feel like I was somehow involved with vampires, but not one - like I was a pet?
I did go to bed reading the vampire lestat, so thus the vampire dream :-)