All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Posted fot those that think " I have to feel this Way" Taken from my facebook..

Feb 02, 2011 - 2 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

OCD

,

Agoraphobia

,

Depression

,

Anxtiety

,

Panic Disorder

,

Cancer

,

stage 4



I am Not trying to make Anyone Mad, So Please try and hear me out.
I have told everyone what Stage of Cancer I am and what the Doctors have told me. I also try and always add that I will fight with all I have and Make it clear I am Not giving up. I am just the sort of Person who learns or does better when told then in and outs and the ...Bottom Line and then I go for it, after I get it all in me.
But seems each time I say this sort of update or something like that, on this site or the other I go to. There is Someone that has to say to me, God is going to heal You. Rhea Don't talk that way. For One I have Said OVER AND OVER AGAIN THIS IS THE WAY I WORK THE WAY I GET IT IN MY OWN HEAD. 2nd thing is i know GOD HEALS...I never Once said he does not or won't.
BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS FOR SURE, IF FOR SOME REASON i WENT around saying God is going to heal me and 6 Months from Now I'm in bed dieing and I keep Saying I am what I say. So God is Healing me and I trust this and then I'm laying there and I'm pretty sure at some point you know you are dieing I could and Might be a Bit Pissed off for God Not Healing me.
Now Please hear me again, I am going to beat this CANCER LETS TAKE IT FARTHER AND TELL YOU GOD WILL HEAL ME....I"m Not giving Up ...By No means I don't know why when I tell everyone how it is or what I'm Looking at in ODD's People (most the time my christian friends) get mad at me...? I really can't bare the thought of one thinking I know Better then God how this is going to Turn out and again to be Mad thinking GOD WHY DID YOU NOT HEAL ME?
So lets understand each other.

Hello my name Is Rhea there is a lot to me but right now I am fighting for my life against Cancer Stage 4 Melanoma
This does not make me who I am but it is a big part of my life
I am along with God Fighting for all the time I can get...I will shock the Doctors and such and Give this Cancer Hell So to speak..thanks for reading love You all Rhea

Day By Day

Jan 29, 2011 - 7 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

OCD

,

Anxiety

,

Depresion

,

methadone

,

Agoraphobia

,

Cancer

,

stage 4 cancer



Hello Everyone,

I know we have heard that Saying So Many Many Times...but here I am going to Use it again, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the last. But Day By Day is how I take life Now. It is kind of different when you think to your self I could be Ill in 6 months Shoot for that Matter a Month from Now. I know How Life Spins on a dime now. I get it..Sorry it took me so long to figure that one out...Boy did it take me for ever to figure that out. And at times it seems Unreal to think I'm dieing..Oh Yes I am Praying that this Chemo will stop the Growth of  the Cancer in me, that I will get a Couple of x ter Years..Who think's your ever going to have to think this way? that is why it is easy to fall or slip back into thinking this is Not Real this is something I Just thought up. For real I can't tell you how many times I have asked my husband is it true that I'm Stage 4 and that I'm dieing and what did the doctor say about this that or the other thing.  You really can't take it all in.

But what does this all mean? It means to be Real in life, be yourself
it means I'm not going to Pretend to No one any more. You either Like me or you don't...I am going to Start walking again come spring and I will get Fit..
There is So Much More to Life then the Size of Pants I ware or what I do for a Living or how does your house look or what Kind of Car do  you Drive??

Oh don't take me wrong I do like Nice things and such but I am doing some of those things that I thought I would have forever to do. And I'm going threw Boxes that Need to gone threw. Not left for others to go threw for me. I want to get a Few CD"s Made for my Only Grand Child...

I want to live each day..I do live each day I have begun to be able to let go of the Anger I have had I have let go of the Emotional Hurt I have had the feelings that have kept coming up on me, the feelings I did not know what to do with , Well Some of them I still don't know what to do with them but others I have put them in there place others I feel like when the time comes I will deal with those feels .'
I really want to Spend my time sharing my love and giving of my love. Something I have been very scared to do for Many years...for real...I don't want to be hurt and I got to the point to ware I just wanted to hang alone. And now I want to spend my time with the People I love and I want to have More Dinner Or BB!Q's with them...

OH Day By Day I will Live and there will be planning along the way..

Thank You So much all of you..Big Hug Rhea xoxo

TiC ToC TiC ToC

Jan 27, 2011 - 1 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

Methaonde

,

Skin Cancer

,

Migraineselanoma

,

Anxiety

,

Panic Disorder

,

Depression

,

anxiety OCD ailments

,

Cancer



Well I am starting to see a little better what is a head of me, I think your own mind won't let you see what is all a head of you at one time, it is too much to let inside your mind at one time. So you take care of yourself by letting in parts of what is a head of you. I have had to be strong at time's when I did not want to be, I have wanted to cry when someone else Needed to Cry. So I did not Cry I let You Cry. Now I stand here Looking at my Self and seeing what is a head of me..what I may and may not  get in the matter of time. If the New Drugs the FDA is Yet to Give there OK on maybe one of them will Take my Cancer away. Maybe with the Trial Drug I am on, Maybe I can Help Someone that has Melanoma in some way. I know that Everyday is Closer to that Year..I know if nothing has changed with my Cancer when they Scan me that I will have to make up my mind weather I keep on this Drug Or go off it and try another and ware we go from there. I have told myself that I will try each drug and I will fight away all the Side effects Just so I can Make it to be with My Son who will be 15 this Feb. 27 and if I can make it to when he graduates then I am One Blessed Women Trust me I will be Great full!!

So I have pretty much started to have some what of a Routine back down , We still have another family living with us, but we have laid down some rules with the wash which has helped and then I finally feel better and I have started to do things again. My Husband has a Job up and coming and so that is the reason I don't have a Full Routine but he helps me so much and to be honest with you I miss him a ton when he is gone.
So that is ware I am at today.

I'm Okay..I'm doing pretty Good I am living each day strong. I have My Own Girly Room and I have time to Paint and I have time to be ALONE and I have MEDITATION TIME  and I have a Loving Family and Friends.
What More Could a Person really Ask for? So besides all that what does a person Really Need...

Thank You for Reading and God Bless
Live Each Day to the Fullest...xoxox Rhea

Hello Everyone My Name Is Rhea and I have been a Traveling Freak Show

Jan 25, 2011 - 6 comments
Tags:

Cancer

,

Anxtiety

,

Addiction

,

Depression

,

Agoraphobia



Hello Everyone,

I have been a Traveling Freak Show these last few Months and before that I had not been online for a Couple of Months and In May of 2010 I got Off Methadone and a Few Months before that I got off Chemo for the 2nd time in March of 2010.

So here it is January 25, 2011 and I have Cancer again as You very well know from Other Journal Entries.
I have Stage 4 Melanoma and they can't remove all of it and if the trial drug does not work that I'm on we move on to the next Chemo to try. There is not many and it is hard on a person.

Now that we got all the In's and Outs about Me and What I have done or Lets put it this way ...So of the stuff I have done and I got more..

I am a Married Women to a Freaking Wonderful Man he is I'm not Joking My Best Friend and we started out as friends before We ever dated.
He is My Care taker and yes Oh Yes do I make sure he takes time away from it all. That he finds time for himself and that we set goals and are on the Same Track time to time..

I have Great Children 4 that I gave birth to and 1 that Came with the New Husband and then 2 more from my husband's X wife..so you count them. Anyway I am a Very Proud Mom and Pleased to say I am a GrandMa Now also..
She Was Born Dec 7, 2010
Her Name is Zoey Lorrianne Leavens

I am not just about Cancer I posted some of my paintings not all of them and I will try and post some more of my work. I am going to be posting more often and getting my life some what back. Before I found out that I had Cancer back we had a family of 4 move in with us. Which has been great all in all but this is a Very Small house and not too many Square feet there is the Up stairs but if the Teen age Girls Come up and down the stairs it makes my dog bark and makes my Meditation time not so fun!!

So anyway before the family moved in for the first time in my life I had finally found My Routine in life. I have been trying and Trying to get one and My Own Mother was very Routine d' and I Can't tell you how happy I was Once I finally got mine own.
I finally started making Head way in my own home and I started to know where my own things were now and I also started going threw boxes and tossing out the Real Junk and I am starting to do some of that Art I was going to do when I got old, Just in Case I don't make it to the age I'm wanting I will have things done for my family.
And I'm sure if I do make it to that Old Age I was Wanting, Well there are ton's of photo's to take along the way there is ton's of Wreaths to make Photos to take Hunting trips to go on and I don't want to miss those.

I want to live..Oh trust me I want to live...You feel a Tic Toc Tic Toc Inside your Body that is enough to drive you Crazy.
But on the other hand it is kind like when I let the House Rule My Every Move. Now I will Stop and say Ok I got this Much done and I will go and Read or Paint and watch Documentaries on the Computer..

Yes Life is Coming back together...the Chemo does make me tired and that is a bummer because of the Support groups for Cancer is at 430 in the Afternoon I need one for Mid Day or something.
I also have checked into a friend to help me get things done and what People to Call and such
and I am going to get Family Photo's taken. One of my girls is still not speaking to me but the other one and I are and she told me when she will be home next so I told my friend and so she will fix it all.
Yeppie..that makes me Happy.

Well I wanted you all to know I'm Okay today..I'm getting better. Thank You so much for the Personal Notes and for writing to my Journal for your prayers and Just listing to me. It means so much More then You know. I thank all that is good for you

oxoxo xoxox Loves and Hugs Rhea