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angry

Jul 07, 2010 - 0 comments
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210094?1278781114
Sorry, I am supposed to be mindful right now, but I lost it, it got away from me.
I am supposed to be anry right now
But I know I shouldn't be
should should should should
should should should should
should should.
is all my brain will tell me.

even the ones who understand cannot, or willnot,

I listen to monks and sages chanting all day.
I seek peace all day
its a slippery ribbon that slides through my fingers EVERY DAY.
And you are going to say to me "why don't you go downstairs and make dinner"?


well, buddy, I love you more than anyone else on this planet, and I have given you willingly much much more of my real self than I am ever really comfortable with.
But even you will say that when I have a sleep attack after not sleeping for 4 days.
and it makes me want to rip my limbs off and beat myself and the stupid wench who ran the redlight senseless.
but I can't.

Because you might feel better later, but I won't.
Because you can help, but not when you need help.

I SHOULD be able to listen to meditations and mantras and yoga and chant and breath and be able to beat this.
But it has again bested me.
So I will go cry in the pit of candles and despair I have built in the room next door.

I will feel bad when I want to rage against this machine.
I will feel guilty for listening to angry chick rock from 1990,
when I SHOULD be able to deal with it.
But I cannot and will not just stuff it down inside of me again.

The geyser of tingling anger and rushing blood is to faithful.
She is my new constant, I am the satellite, and pain is her orbit.
Round and round and round, circling the drain
in an ever lasting, never ending,
eliptical orbit of doom.

Slurp, slurp, as I circle the drain.
You don't have to push me, you can leave it to my brain.

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