And then there are "but" prayers... " Your will and not my will be done, Lord, but...".

Some years ago, my new husband was paralyzed in a small, freak twist of fate.  It was at one of the happiest, healthiest times of his life...  After losing a wife of 42 years to an excruciatingly drawn out cancer, he had financial security and a new wife who loved him unreservedly, had recently retired, and was realizing dreams while pursuing much-loved activities among many friends.  It happened suddenly and was physically painless... the doctors held out no hope for recovery and he sadly resigned himself to his imminent death and was peacefully prepared for it.  

I prayed the above prayer, telling God how much I needed my husband.  God sent clear miracles, twice these occurred instantly following my prayer, and hubby walked out of that renowned medical center two weeks later.  There were many pleased doctors but none who were proud... they knew they couldn't take the credit for what had happened (though it *was* surgical treatment  that made it possible, they told us three  separate times that he would not survive or would be permanently paraplegic).  

Over the next nine years: he was injured again, resulting in more serious surgery, major infection of the wound, and additional debilitating surgery resulting in loss of fine motor control and sensation in his hands; numerous medical conditions (including rheumatoid arthritis and COPD) which had previously been merely uncomfortable became much worse and troubled him greatly, causing pain and labored breathing and reducing the number of things he could do; he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and went through radiation treatments and was put on a permanent form of chemotherapy which robbed him of much manliness; he became severely depressed as one by one every activity he enjoyed became impossible for him; he became progressively weaker and sicklier, and finally was diagnosed with lung cancer... at which point he gave up and died days later in a state of exhausted terror.   Over that time our finances were devastated, consuming even a large inheritance I received, and after he died I had to sell our house.  

Had I not prayed a "but" prayer, my husband would have died in comfort and I most likely would be living in my own home instead of a rented room.  

Our love was beautiful, and I was supremely blessed to experience the love of a man who cherished me.  They were the best eleven years of my life.  I was never sorry for my sake that God answered "yes" to my prayer, only for my husband's sake am I really sorry.  If I'd been told in advance that I could experience such love but that it would turn out for me this way I would have chosen to do it anyway, for my sake... but for my husband's sake I wish I had not prayed a "but" prayer.

I thought I was sleeping better lately, after so much insomnia.  I was wrong.  It's not sleep that's back, it's fatigue.  I still don't get to sleep until 3 or so... it's just so hard to wake up, I end up seeming somnulent but I'm just exhausted.  Odd that I didn't realize how much the sense of fatigue had improved until it returned.  

Wonder... And doubt... If life, that is, finances will improve to allow me to return to organic food and supplements.  

All those years I could have been healing myself by what I ate and instead I spent the money on medicine that made me sicker.  Mind bending realization.  Makes my stomach hurt.  Or is that my chest again?

For too long I thought God must not exist.  Or if He did, He must be irrelevent as I was not able to see Him in my life.  Then He SHOWED me both His reality and His care... but the church I attended was a young upstart, where though they fervently studied and believed the Bible there were no Christians mature in their faith.  That ended badly for everyone, particularly me.  Again I thought God must not be the most important part of my life.  Big mistake I regret so thoroughly I consider it right near the top of my long list of life mistakes.  

God is sovereign.  I ignored Him at my peril.  He forgives us, but He also is just and their are consequences for the me lifestyle I chose.  I'm praying now for a miracle.  

For almost a year I gave myself all the credit for the weight I lost.  More recently I've been more realistic in my assessment... For most of my adult life the only thing that happened when I thought "diet" was I got hungrier and ate more.  I can't take credit for the change.  If I hadn't lost the weight I'd be dead by now... I was that sick... or in the bed next to that other lady.  I've lost count of the accidents and illnesses that nearly killed me... I'm definitely still here for a reason.  I just hope it doesn't include homelessness.  

Pray for me, please.  

In Phillipians 4 we're told where God wants us to put our thoughts for our own good.  Recounting my miseries isn't on the list.  Is it a sin?  Possibly.  Will I get away with doing it?  Unlikely.  Will someone else learn from my mistakes?  I hope so.