I just got back from seeing my therapist. I think I'm going to be kicked out of DBT. For the most part I don't mind that, cuz I don' t like it much at all. I think that there's a reason I'm there though and that I should fight for it. It's all becuz my views are viewed by people who are sleeping(they don't recall that they are god) as delusions I've created. I've found only one person to connect to in the group and the rest of them, dear souls that they are, aren't ready to hear me. The moderators sure aren't ready for me. I just don't know how to explain reality to someone who thinks the veil is all there is. I guess I could state some facts like, there are other densities in which we can exist(some refer to them as dimensions), life is a co-created game of limitation to force even greater evolution and awareness(duality is just the rule of the game of limitation so it ends when the game ends, thus we are preparing for a new experience entirely, so what used to work just won't anymore, like DBT for ex), there is a great clearing of karma(energy) becuz this is the last chance we have to get it out of our systems before we ascend and we have to clear it all to lose density.

I don't even know that she thinks any of what I say is real. Every time I see her she asks me to define ascension when I use it in a sentence. It's not that hard so I think she's up to etwas keeping on me about it, or it just slips her mind cuz she's brainwashed not to receive any info of that nature. That's prolly it, now that I think about it.

I'm feeling really conflicted. It's about traveling 30 minutes out and 30 back to vibe. I like vibing, I think. Sometimes it's a profound experience and other times it's just okay and I don't really feel much different except that I get tired and feel the effects of detoxing. I think I want more from it. I want so badly to be able to do and see and hear all the things that I used to. I thought I'd be too jealous to watch that Psychic Kids show on AandE, but I'm really enjoying it. And it's helping to remind me of how hard it was to function not being able to shut out the voices and the people all around me.   I feel like I'm cheating myself out of the ultimate suprise by knowing ascension is near, but I don't know that I'd have cared enough to stick around and alive had I not discovered it. I feel so abandoned by everything when I'm not in contact with my inner being. It hurts, but not, I just know I don't like it and I think it should hurt, but really I feel nothing. I feel distant, even from Sean, and like I want to break out of the roles I'm playing but I don't feel comfortable doing that when I consider that Sean may not like me....anymore...no, just then....I feel stuck in the worst way. And even though vibing helps me to balance out my emotions I think maybe I need to be crazy and emotional to be me. I cried so hard the other day. If felt so good. But now I'm feeling shut off and like I can't say what is on my mind. You know vibig doesn't make me less wary of being myself around other people. I don't even want to be around people lately. Like I need more excersize in holding mine toungue anyway, right? Well, I think DBT will be good cuz I'll at least get out of the house and be around people. I'm already getting anious about it with it still a week off now. Silly. I miss my friend, Tracee. I don't know what I bring to the relationship either and that bothers me. Life was so much less complicated when I was hopelessly depressed and suicidal. Grrr.....I keep thinking about my chart and that a doctor who evaluated me thinks I'm lying about stuff or below average intellect cuz I presented a bunch of extremely rare symptoms. He said in the report that it looked like I was telling them all these things to either get attention or becuz I researched personality disorders and was trying to make it look like i had them. That was the only time I was ever honest with those people and they didn't even buy it. Of course i didn't know that until I got my record for disability after becoming physically disabled and not getting any help cuz they all thought I was lying about it. It made me wonder about what personality dosorder I might really have that that moron passed off as BPD, cuz it's such a catch all. I did numerous tests online and then looked up criteria, only to find out that I'm schizotypal, HANDS DOWN!!! The criteria are set up like they were written for me and the observations of typical schizos was just like they were pulling stuff outta my mind and my life. Yippe, but how do I go about telling my therapist that? so frustrated right now!!

Letting go is so hard to do.
Just yesterday I got together with my Gramma and my uncle who takes care of her. We talked for hours and got nowhere. There was so much distrust and my uncle wasn't even hearing the sincerity pouring from my heart becuz he decided that the whole meeting was about me wanting the house when she dies. But some good came of it, becuz I found out that my gramma has been neglecting herself and is just waiting to die. So she doesn't care that her hearing aids are 15 years old or that she might fall down the stairs and kill herself doing laundry and that's the reason my uncle doesn't care either. Even though he certainly could and I certainly would force care onto gramma and work at making her feel valuable and loved, he's choosing not to and that's his choice and her choice to neglect her, so I have to allow that to be. But I can't be around it anymore, so I've decided to step out of my gramma's life and let her be. And unless my uncle drastically changes I won't be seeing him either. I bet they'll think that I'm being dramatic or trying to punish them, but the fact of the matter is that I just can't allow myself to be dragged down in to that negative energy anymore. I don't sleep well after I visit there and I worry about her all the time. For some reason I can't get through a visit without Gramma dredging up the past and focusing on all the negative things in my life. In a lot of ways this is even harder than letting my best friend go, cuz I'm pretty sure a lot of the reason that she's that way is cuz she spends so much time with her son, who is very negative. I know that I'm doing the right thing for myself, but this comes at a very poor time. Sean and I are planning our marriage and it's looking like a smaller wedding all the time. My Gramma thinks that it's just a matter of time before Sean leaves me and that's not gonna contribute a good vibe to the day. He hasn't proposed yet, but it was a mutual agreement. I just want to be proposed to proper. I don't think I'll even wear white for the ceremony. I think I'll wear orange.

I was talking to my mother about how I experienced the world when I was a child. I explained that I just knew things that some people take half a lifetime learning. They are my earliest memories. I knew that I was eternal. In this strange place I'd comfort myself by reminding myself that I have always been, I am, and ever shall it be so. I knew that time was an illusion and that it had already run out. I'd scoff at Father Time every day. I tried to explain to her how an object isn't set in my early memories; how I'd see the decay of the world all around me, but not in a negative manner. There was never any stillness, is all. I have yet to explain the experience of being approached by a consciousness that encompassed the sky. How that entity marveled that I could talk to it and sense it. How it shaped my very young mind and connected me to all that is. I've told her, though, that I knew the world would end in fiery hell and that I would die when I was 16. And I've told her that in my dreams I die again and again. And that I don't fall to my doom, only to wake up before hitting the ground as most people report, but that I feel death and go back to that state of bliss and all knowing. It's rare that a nightmare awakens me. To think of all the times I've tried to awaken from this one. I'm glad I never succeeded there now. It's so hard to know how to say these things to the simple minded, but little by little the words come and I break through to them. And is it ego that tells me I am special, I am precious? Is it ego telling me I'm not even human? How can I tell I've set aside ego for good when all I ever thought was, IS, and all I've ever known to be truth is finally being seen by other people? Does even the indigo child pluck so carefully at the strings to orchestrate their life? I am always on borrowed time and feel I don't belong here, but I still do everything in my power to play the game fair. I've known just what to do to avoid death, but I skip along with it happily, welcoming the freedom at every turn. Inviting death, but denying it too. Every turn but this one. Every time but now. All I wanted to do all my life was die, but now I don't. It makes me wonder how many times I've failed at this. I wonder how responsible I am for the coming ascension, how responsible I am for the world we all live in. Where does my dream end and yours begin?