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itchy OMG, i can't see mom with black eyes

Sep 12, 2009 - 0 comments
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uncontrolable bodily sensation



I've got the crawlies wicked bad, so bad, OMG! THIS is why docs think I have anxiety; I want to tear off my skin, but I'm just sitting here clenching my teeth and relaxing my shoulders over and over again. I keep getting a chill feeling like when you get the chills, but it just keeps washin over me every minute or so and in between those variuos random spots on my body itch horribly!!! side of left foot, right of lower neck, inside of middle finger, top right side of right foot, side of left thigh OMG that was bad and it's like the chills are originating from that spot still doing it.........stopped, behind my right ear, right butt cheek, is this **** normal?! I'm hypersensitive. I took a shower, but ended in ice cold water to not have exacerbation due to higher temp. I used lotion on my legs when they began itching, but it's doing no good now. It's just little currents of air moving the hair on my body on my legs, but in my nostril it's etwas else; not hair moving. Just don't scratch, don't scratch, don't scratch. oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiit, no i rubbed my eyes, no no no no nodo NOT rub your eyes anymore. you never touched them, they don't itch, pretend you never touch ed them. I remember when this first started happening around Sean and I'd rock on the edge of the bed and wouldn''t let him touch me; it was like pain, but not, cuz it was more like every fiber of my being was telling me to get away adn alerting me to danger,b ut the soft emrbace of your loved ones isn't scary, so why body? i dont feel well enuff to stand at the sink and get tymself wet voer and over. did i do etwas to brnig this on? what is it; what did i doooooo?

A good day with the man I love

Sep 11, 2009 - 0 comments

The day has been pretty good. I'm not as able as I was yesterday. Yesterday I wasn't as able as the day before it. We went out to Target and it was really good trip; we got foods and stayed in our budget. When I woke up today I had no bloating, which is rare and very nice cuz I don't actually have that much of a poochy tummy, but it looks like a gross beer gut most of the time from bloat. But after I ate I ballooned up again and I didn't feel like making all the effort to sit up straight, like I've been doing the last few days. I also didn't do yoga today like I have been for the last 3 days. Instead I helped Sean move the room around; picked up clutter and stuff. Plus I got dressed an all. I've been thinking that my neck pain that turns into a severe headache could be from my poor posture, but I've been making a conscious effort to pull my head up and my shoulders back for like the last four days and I'm still getting bad neck pain. The right side hurts right now, which is why I wanted to lay down. But when I did that my leg got trembly and I was like "okay , that's not so bad, I'm gonna lay here with my honey still" but then it felt like I was getting jabbed with a sharp needle and that wasn't etwas I could easily ignore. SO, sigh, I'm back at the computer. Before I got here I had a couple of ideas as to what I'd do at the PC, but now that I'm here I have no clue. Oh! I want to eat constantly! I feel like I'm pigging out today, so let's try to take inventory here. I had a nectarine, granola bar, a few chips, two mini burgers, 4 slices of thin crust pizza, an ice cream bar, and that's all I can think of . Is that it?! No wonder i want to eat. I prolly worked up an appetite moving the room around and going shopping; geez I'm too hard on myself. It's cool tonight, yay! Lost finished downloading, double yay! Kitties are visiting me! Man, I DO NOT want to be up all night again. I'm wathcin Buffy now, but it's so boring to be up, plus my neck hurts and I wouldn really like to lay down before that gets to the point I need a pill. The night before last I had a horendous headache that I just dealt with and tried to sleep for 4 hours. It just spent all that time getting worse, so I ended taking a pill and falling asleep after Quarantine. That movie was so good; I ddin't expect it to be honestly. By then it 5AM. I't pretty silly of me to torture myself like that I guess, but I'm still not really used to having pain meds yet. It's not often I get a headache that bad and it just goes away cuz I lay down and try to go to sleep, so I don't even know what my reasoning behind not taking the half a pill sooner could be. Sean was so onderful today and he got his tapes and I got my wig. It's like the verse was saying "MAKE VIDEOS!"

Best Day Ever-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r !!!!!!!!!!!

Sep 08, 2009 - 1 comments

Today was really good! The weather was cool, which I think had a ton to do with my feeling so good and getting around so well. I did a little tiny bit of yoga, but YOGA! yeah, I took a shower, went downstairs, and sat up most of the day, even dancing if ya can call it that to a lil bit of Eminem; that's right! I STOOD UP. LOL. It's officially Tuesday now and I cannot sleep to save my life, but I don't feel as good as I did before, so I don't want to risk doing anything. I did have the crawlies today and muscle pulsing and weakness, but pain has been greatly reduced. Sometimes I just can't sleep and this is one of those times. I am wide awake, but physical fatigued, so suck. It'd been months since I had a good day like Monday was and I just had to express my sppreciation so there's more and more days like this; almost feel normal. Just don't go back and read this after a stretch of awful and get down on yourself cuz things aren't that good now. It all fluctuates. A few months you had vertigo 25 hours a day, a few months you had headaches every other day, a few months you could not breathe after leaning forward to reach your water, and there are still gonna be times when you've gotta crawl to the toilet and back and lay and lay and lay around bored to tears. But this one day, today, you are looking back on all that and it's like a distant dream becuz today you enjoyed life more than you suffered through it and the more you can tolerate being unable to do everything you WANT to do and find the peace is sitting still while the room is yet uncleaned the more good days  you CaN have. Today was not perfect, but you feel like it was. No matter what the trials you can choose to enjoy life. Hey, remember when you came home tired from your two jobs and had to move your entire apartment THAT NIGHT, so you drank espresso that you didn't like and didn't sleep at all; that was great experience. And you are one of the few people who took a half second to step back from your jitters at the time to appreciate being alive and able to be doing all that hard work. Guess what?! It's all about comparative experience! So....you're sitting at the computer I see. And not laying motionless in bed, but still in screaming in your head so the breathe of doing so actually won't hurt you even worse? Yeah, well, hi there. It could be worse and it's not. It prolly will be again, so you better darn well enjoy this moment right now. Marvel at the fact that you are aware enough to be bored!

**** SUX

Sep 01, 2009 - 0 comments

How am I spose to praise him for doing a good job taking care of me when he can't even manage that?! My pill dispenser is empty and I have no ******* Mucinex left. He was the one who was inconsistent when disiplining Bonsai and that's why she's a terror. A terror that I have to wake him up to deal with every goddamn morning. And would dhe have ever torn up the rug in the first place if he'd had the forsight to put another cat in there in with her after she HAD to be shut in the other ROOM?! Not to mention the whole bathroom is just disgusting and the cat's foods bowls are crusted with food. The vacuum isn't even in here, but it does no need to be the sweep the bathroom floor of ALLL the litter and dry food crust. Did I or did I not suggest moving the goddan fridge so she couldn't jump onto it from here?!?! Oh, well I did but has he done javk **** about it?! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. IF I WANT ANYTHING DONE GODAMN RIGHT AROUND HERE I HAVE TO DO IT MY GODDMANA SELF AND I JUST ******* CAN"T. HAVEN"T BEEN ABLE TO FOR A SOLID WEEK!!!!!!!!!

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