So yeah, and before work I had my doctor visit. I'm now prescribed this suboxone "film". Not sure if you can break it up... I suppose you can, but the sheer anxiety of going back to work has got me feeling like I need 16mg. I start that again and gradually work my way down. I NEED to!!!!!!!!

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It hurts so bad, that's all I know. Hope went out the window the past couple days. I've been getting f*ck*d up! And let me tell ya, it feels good.

My Woman and I got into a physical fight that led me to just want to die. I don't think she sees my cleaning up as any great significance. Well, it does to me. But to have her support would keep me clean.

You see, I have this overwhelming need for her to like me. And when she doesn't, I use.

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I've been keeping a steady dose of approx. 8mg per day. Being unemployed, losing my home - living with my Mom, and having lost my Woman and 3 kids, this 8mg steady dose is not doing anything for me other than keeping me from being sick. I'm sick in other ways now. Now I'm sick over the loss of everything valuable in my life. The 1 thing I only care about in my life is my Woman & 3 kids. Even "hope" takes a back seat to them. I want them back, but I'm so poor and sick. I sold my Van to provide a descent Christmas. I'm stuck in my Mom's house for the 1st time in my life and I feel like smashing stuff. This house. I envision driving my Mom's car through the living room. Yess! That would make me feel better! To drive the car 70 mph straight into the living room. I can see myself laughing hysterically at this occurring. Please God, put me on track!

Mike. Find your inner strength. God only helps those who are willing to help themselves. At least that's what they programmed you to believe. Either shake off your entire belief system and move forward or move forward. Either way you'll still wind up at point C.

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I should consider today the first actual day I'm living at my Mom's house. My Woman, Theresa, after today will not contact me to come over to be with her and the kids. Why? Because she blames me for her insecurities and lack of self confidence. Sadly, I'm alone here and I miss her and my kids. She don't see it but I'm only productive with her. Without her I'm self destructive. I'm staying clean but I'm torturing myself with these negative thoughts of never having control again. Never having my Family back and being poor for the rest of my life. WHY????????????

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