Had a rough day battling with my incompetent Docotrs office staff and the pharmacy trying to get my medication....my docs office likes to withhold my prednisone until I go thru withdrawals, like some kind of game...I am so sick of this ******* placce and its lack of everything especially competent healthcare.  The selection pool is small enough and then they all have to be morons????!!!

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I was worried because past phone calls usually upset me and triggered very meloncholy feelings and regrets ans urges to cut...but this person has done a 180 on me and changed for the better...he listened for a change, and was very empathic and caring, like he had been many years ago...he is a recovering addict and we have been friends for 25 years so we have been thru a lot together, and I am so very relived it went well and he is doing so well....I was anxious for nothing.

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Have to go out in public today..going to walmart, hate the long drive and hate all the people....it's awful there...I always dread having to leave the confines of my home even though I dont even like my house.  A old high school friend called late last night so I called him back today, and he was busy at work so he will call again to night...we have maintained contact on and off fro the last 25 years...sometimes its good and sometimes he is a trigger for bad memories and gets me into a meloncholy mood where I am even more depressed and want to cut......

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I just dont know where to begin today, and I really dont want to begin at all, I would much rather crawl back under the covers and make like I don't exist.  I really want to go back to school and I have been in contact with an online university that fits all my needs but I cannot make myself call her back.  I need financial aid (of course) and that is where I always quit  in the process...I am afraid they wont be able to help me with tuition and therefore I hesitate to even try...
which is stupid...I can't get anywhere if I don't even try, and that is the only way out of this horrible place in which I live - acquire a degree and get to working and making money...if i depend soley on my disability I will never get anywhere!!!   I am frustrated with myself and with how far down I have gone....

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