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Rant

Sep 13, 2014 - 6 comments

What is the answer? Well, what is the question? I've made it this far just to start it all over. Living a difficult life while trying to stay sober. But why? What is it that I need? Where are the farmers that usually plant the seed? Where is my God? Is it too busy? Can it not stop in just to visit me? From a summer of sadness to an Autumn of change. I'll die like the leaves and let go of the pain. The death of the weak and the birth of the mighty. A stronger man that's slightly just like me :)

Remarkable

Aug 20, 2014 - 3 comments

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After much practice, centering, and frustration combined with humiliation I was able to bend the air in a way that moved an empty alcohol prep pad casing bent over a toothpick that I drove in the ground.  I took a picture of the thing and I am going to put it on here for nothing more than a visual.  I did not get it on video because I didn't think I was gonna be able to do it at first and when I started feeling like I was connecting to it and my environment I didn't want to stop.  I am gonna try to do it more tonight and perhaps get it on video.  Although it was a very very basic understanding of the state of mind I need to be in to be able to do this type of stuff it brought tears to my eyes because I discovered a small secret tonight that makes me see the world differently :)

Whatever

Aug 13, 2014 - 4 comments

I am so tired of being like this.  I cannot collect my thoughts.  I am sinking deeper into depression as the day goes on and there isn't even a reason for it.  I know that this is going to happen but why now?  Why when I have so much to be happy for?  Whatever

Cycle's not new

Mar 21, 2014 - 4 comments

I am trying to climb back out of my slump and I miss everyone on here.  I had another relapse which is slowing down now.  I am still using but I made it through the withdraws c/t and am more in control of my thoughts and emotions right now.  I have sold all of my things or gave them away and I am not seeing my therapist anymore.  I am trying to come out of another cycle of depression and although I am not quite there.... I am getting there.  Thank you all so much for the notes and messages.  I can overcome my insecurities and fears some days and check my email but most days I feel overwhelmed because for some reason I would rather be in my head (brooding and depressed) than to try to reach out and talk to someone.
I miss everyone and there is a long story to go with the time that I have been away and I promise that I want to tell it but most of you know that I am more of a loner when I am working my way out of depression.
Although there are struggles everyday I am for the most part happy and have a couple of reasons to live now.
Love you guys....
Larry (BuBu) lol