All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  


Aug 20, 2014 - 3 comments

After much practice, centering, and frustration combined with humiliation I was able to bend the air in a way that moved an empty alcohol prep pad casing bent over a toothpick that I drove in the ground.  I took a picture of the thing and I am going to put it on here for nothing more than a visual.  I did not get it on video because I didn't think I was gonna be able to do it at first and when I started feeling like I was connecting to it and my environment I didn't want to stop.  I am gonna try to do it more tonight and perhaps get it on video.  Although it was a very very basic understanding of the state of mind I need to be in to be able to do this type of stuff it brought tears to my eyes because I discovered a small secret tonight that makes me see the world differently :)


Aug 13, 2014 - 4 comments

I am so tired of being like this.  I cannot collect my thoughts.  I am sinking deeper into depression as the day goes on and there isn't even a reason for it.  I know that this is going to happen but why now?  Why when I have so much to be happy for?  Whatever

Cycle's not new

Mar 21, 2014 - 4 comments

I am trying to climb back out of my slump and I miss everyone on here.  I had another relapse which is slowing down now.  I am still using but I made it through the withdraws c/t and am more in control of my thoughts and emotions right now.  I have sold all of my things or gave them away and I am not seeing my therapist anymore.  I am trying to come out of another cycle of depression and although I am not quite there.... I am getting there.  Thank you all so much for the notes and messages.  I can overcome my insecurities and fears some days and check my email but most days I feel overwhelmed because for some reason I would rather be in my head (brooding and depressed) than to try to reach out and talk to someone.
I miss everyone and there is a long story to go with the time that I have been away and I promise that I want to tell it but most of you know that I am more of a loner when I am working my way out of depression.
Although there are struggles everyday I am for the most part happy and have a couple of reasons to live now.
Love you guys....
Larry (BuBu) lol

Too Complex

Jan 20, 2014 - 12 comments

I am starting to feel like I have every disorder there is.  I have been diagnosed with some of the worst ones a person can have and I am a little afraid.  I don't like to admit I am scared of anything...especially now that I am stable and clean.   A couple of weeks ago I had a depression spell that only lasted for about an hour and a half but it was severe.  It came out of nowhere and that is what scares me.  I am soooo stable right now.  I am confident, active, and am not up or down.  That is what I am worried about.  Knowing that I have borderline personality disorder on top of everything else makes me feel like I cannot do this.  I am afraid that I am fighting a losing battle.  Time will tell if my concerns will become reality.  I busted my phone about a week ago.  I left a place where I have a loan at.  In my hands were a sweet tea, my keys, and my phone.  As I tried to unlock my door I dropped my phone.  I calmly picked it up, put the battery back in it, and placed the back on it.  I tried to unlock the door again and the same thing happened.  I picked up the phone and threw it against the ground basically shattering it.  I then punched my car door and busted up my hand.  I have not had any depression or anger since then.  This could go either way.  If I fall back into depression for no reason or feel anger that seems to come from nowhere I am going to give up and go back into treatment where it is safe for me.  Until then I am going to continue to go to my AA meetings, go to church, and continue to work out at the Y.  I am really hopeful that all of the things I am doing will keep the anger and depression away but as I said time will tell.