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Starting over YET Again

Nov 28, 2011 - 6 comments
Tags:

pills

,

sobriety

,

relapse

,

Addiction



Part of me has been wondering lately if i will just be FOREVER trying to be clean and never getting there. This time of year used to be my favorite and now nothing matters to me besides my addiction. I cant get happy about a tree or feel cozy at home because im so caught up in the whole thing. Im caught up in the feelings, the lifestyle and i Dont want it anymore. I havnt slept through the night in over 4 days and I am constantly exhausted and broken. I want. my. life. back. This *****.

The Shame of Relapse

Nov 14, 2011 - 2 comments
Tags:

failure

,

pills

,

relapse

,

addiciton

,

percocet

,

Vicodin



I relapsed. Im so mad at myself. I took tramadol once because i had a very weak moment and then i used vicodin this weekend. Im very uphappy with myself and barely slept last night. I feel like throwing myself on the floor and sobbing because i have failed myself and so many others. I would have been over 35 days clean now. instead im starting over from day one and i feel like garbage. I was given a free ticket from withdrawal last time and i doubt i'll be so lucky again. I am so down and low right now that my heart hurts. I wish i had made the other decision and flushed them. Im so sorry to everyone and to myself. I'll pick myself up and try again.

20 Days and Counting

Oct 26, 2011 - 2 comments
Tags:

withdrawal

,

pills

,

sobriety

,

Addiction

,

Being clean



Today I am 20 days clean. Its a weird feeling. the first couple weeks were very easy and positive, which is weird since its normally the opposite. I have been having cravings the last few days. I haven't taken anything and I dont plan to, But the cravings are there. I guess its only to be expected. I have been working with myself, having alot of introspection. I have been given this Free Pass from Withdrawals and Im not going to throw that chance away. I just think back on when i used to lay awake at night twitching and crying because i was withdrawing so badly that i couldn't sleep. Ya, No Thank you. Not going back.

8 days a week

Oct 14, 2011 - 0 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

Hope

,

sobriety

,

clean

,

pills

,

withdrawal

,

Vicodin



I am 8 days clean today! I didnt buy pills earlier this week when i had the chance and I am not withdrawaling!!
I never thought I would make it here and im not going to throw this opportunity away. This is amazing.
The first few days were super easy and happy and ive had mixed emotions this last week. I havnt had any big cravings or anything, but I have had a couple of moments where i get that old anticipated feeling in my chest at the thought of getting pills before I remember that im not using anymore! I know this will fade with time.

Its going to be a process learning to live without the huge spikes in emotion that addiction causes. There is no even ground for an addict. You either have your drug, and are elated for a time, or you dont have your drug and can barely function. I had forgotten that real life doesnt feel like that. Ive had to stop myself from over stressing out about other random crap this last week because I was looking for that high octane feeling.

I am so grateful that this chance has been given to me. Thank you everyone so much for the support. please feel free to contact me if you need a friend. I cant keep this happiness to myself, i'll help however I can.