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i'm not okay

Feb 15, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

relapse

,

self harm

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Depressionion



i am seriously about two inches from a full-on mental break down right now. the only thing keeping my grip on reality right now is music, and it's barely keeping me here. music has always been my least effective coping strategy but i literally have nothing left. especially at this hour. i'm dying inside, and i might just relapse tonight. i'm so sorry i've failed everyone.

Food

Dec 12, 2012 - 0 comments

Ugh so my dad is coming to see me tomorrow. Thats never a positive thing but whats worse is we're gonna go out to dinner. I have no way of knowing how many calories will be in what i eat there so i'm gonna have to restrict like hell the rest of the day. At least, i was good today. Only 615cal. (woulda been 540 if i hadnt needed some sweets tho) ...i wot have time to go to the gym tomorrow either so ill just have to be really good on thursday. Now, excuse me while i go look up how many calories there are in tofu :/

jeez

Dec 11, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Depression

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home sick



im really missing home again. well, not home, but high school. this is not good. i cant keep it together when this happens. you have no idea how much it hurts. those people, all those people, as annoying and horrible as they were, i miss them. i miss them all. i miss gaby using me so she could get a passing grade in chem. i miss joking around with mikayla and sebastian in english class. i miss spanish four. god that class was fun. i miss our lunch hours, when we'd laugh and mess with each other like we didn't know it was all about to end. i think those really were the best years of my life. for a lot of high school i had the feeling that time was running out, and i had to make every second count cuz pretty soon everything would be gone. and, well time ran out. everything *is* gone. yes i want to grow up, yes i want to succeed in life and all that, but i'm still me. i'll still always be me. the competent, successful woman i dream to be, i really can't see her as anything but lonely. she won't have many friends and her asexuality and scars will scare off any potential partners. she may be aromantic but that doesnt mean she doesnt want people to care about her. even though she can't love people the way others can, she still wants to be loved. she still wants to love people, in her own way. and she'll probably long for those days in high school when her biggest worry was passing calculus. yeah high school was hard, and for a lot of it i was pretty sad, but i miss it so fukking much, it just hurts. this really isnt good.

Wow

Dec 10, 2012 - 0 comments

Haha im not used having so little food anymore. Its been over a year since i was restricting wow. Im really shaky and god im hungry but its worth it. I can be skinny and feel good about myself if i keep this up:)