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My bad

Apr 04, 2011 - 0 comments

Haven't been updating for a few weeks, my bad!

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Feeling depressed

Mar 22, 2011 - 0 comments

Stayed home from school. Felt really depressed and just couldn't take a day at school. Caught up on some sleep, but staying home from school makes me even more depressed and lonely. It's always one thing if it's not another.

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Not very happy

Mar 20, 2011 - 0 comments

I don't like Sunday nights. It's the night I have to leave my boyfriend (I know, I know, teenage clingy-ness, right?) and sleep alone. We don't usually sleep together in the same bed (except at my mother's), like at his parent's house. They don't like us sleeping together. Though it's kinda funny, we're SLEEPING, it's not like we're DOING anything. If we do do anything it's certainly not when we're sleeping, haha. But yeah. I get anxiety and stuff when I leave him.
But this weekend really sucked. He cried Saturday night, which really scared me. He NEVER cried in front of me except that one time in 3rd grade. But I never thought I'd see him cry again. I couldn't believe it, I thought something was really wrong. But it was just the whole week of work building up on him and I was kinda irritated with him all night about ignoring me and working and I joked around saying he was "neglecting me" and I cried before that day, because I was having a really hard time. And it just all built up, I guess. He hugged me really tight and I can't really remember what we were talking about. I said something and he looked up and his eyes were all red and there were tears and I was SO scared. I can't remember being so scared. He said he didn't want me to hate him and think that he didn't care about me or love me, because he really does love me so much. And I was just at a loss. =( Of course I kept hugging him and told him he was being silly thinking that.
I told him crying was okay, but I just hate seeing it. I started crying a little myself AGAIN. I hate crying, 'cuz I never cry. But he's seen me cry twice now, and it's a bit embarrassing.
But really, I hate it when guys cry. I mean, it's sad when a girl cries. But when a guy cries you just wanna hug them 'cuz it just makes you feel SO bad.
But yeah, I never want to see him cry again. It's not that it's "unmanly" to cry. It just, literally breaks my heart. But he was fine after a few minutes. He wasn't like sobbing. Just a few tears and the red eyes. I think he may have depression or bipolar depression. I'm not sure. I want to get him help, but he probably wouldn't listen to me. I'm going to try to convince him to get help if it gets any worse though. =(

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Really scared..

Mar 17, 2011 - 3 comments
Tags:

scared

,

sex

,

Birth Control

,

Baby

,

worry

,

family



I had a hard time falling asleep. If I'm not worrying about one thing I'm worrying about the other.
My religion (catholic-christian) forbids pre-marital sex. I never thought I would do that. I never thought I would have sex at ALL. I've always been the "good girl" of the family.
My mother had my older sister when she was 16. My sister had her daughter when she was 18. A lot of the women in my family had their children early AND out of wedlock. I know that doesn't make it okay, but, I was so worried. I mean, if God is real, then I just sinned, right? And when I worry about life after death, I get really sick and I hate it so much. But I love my boyfriend. I've known him for 13 years. We've always been really close friends. Though we've only been dating for 4 months. Is that considered too early to start having sexual relations with somebody? I don't know.
We always make sure to be very careful. We don't want any accidents. I'm going to try to get the Depo shot today (birth control). Yet another sin. Condoms and birth control is a sin. But, I think this is better than going without and having a baby at 17 and not being married. =\ I'm nearly 18, I should be making my own choices. And I think I'm doing pretty okay, considering.
Though I have to keep it secret from my Dad. I don't want him knowing. I told just my Mom (she lives in another town). She's taking me to get it. I think I can trust her not to tell anyone. She can't tell my sister or ANYONE, or Dad'll find out. I don't want my sister or Dad or Gram finding out. I just need to make it another 7 months and Dad really can't be mad at me for being on birth control. I'll be an adult then....such a weird thought. Only 7 more months and I'll be 18....huh..

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