All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

tha godhead

8 hours - 6 comments

oh !  oh !!!  oh my!!!!

oh my, medhelp!  the godhead has made tonight so magical!  the godhead just reached into the sky and the world and the universe for me and made it magic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you don't know!  you don't know all that happened to me tonight and made me see everything blessed that happened all day!

but I will tell you.

1.  I decided, after planning the lessons for tomorrow, to go out to my fave vegan restaurant to have the tofu salad for dinner.  mmmm!  

2.  my therapist, my old T, was sick and could not conference.

3.  I brought my New notebook!  I got two the other day at the Fancy Market when I got the parking garage guy, Roberto, the cake, for putting in my headlight.  on my car!!! jeez.   and um ... I got two notebooks for five bucks.  this is always a great feeling, getting new notebooks.

4.  I brought my new notebook with me to the vegan restaurant.  as you may remember, Kevin, one of the owners, and I do not get on that well.  He is not shy.  I am shy.  He does not relate too well with me.  but he talks to ALL the other customers. He knows them.  He calls all the women "my dear."  he's Vietnamese I think

5.  the sky was beautiful, with the sun going down

6.  I wrote a story.  I wrote a story in the vegan restaurant!!!!  every time I do my home hike, and other times, by the big tree at the top of my home hike, that's where I say things ... like prayers ... for all of you .. by name.  Even you, hustler.  I pray that you can be human to be for just one moment.  and I pray that you will be content, and happy.  I pray last for myself, that I can stay clean, that I can value being clean for myself, that I can be happy and stay healthy and that my writing will come back to me.  that I will write regularly and do it with dedication and start to send out and publish.

7.  I love the story.  I love the story!  it is more of a long prose piece than a plot story

8.  I ate my salad.  it was real dope.

9.  when I left, Kevin said, "are you done, my dear?'  and he gave me a box bc I did not finish the salad.  its big.

10.  I saw all the wonderful things that had happened today:

Alexa told me in the morning, after me worrying that Liliana would report me again, that she will back me "100 perecent"  with the director.  As far as she is concerned, Im doing great, especially under the circumstances, and Lil is unreasonable.

the class went great.  they were really into it.  I planned the same as I always do but it went great.  I was as underconfident as always but it went great.  I made a lot of jokes and they laughed at them and we all laughed a lot.  Liliana and I even laughed TOGETHER at Trouble Girl.  (gently)  I had told them I was dismissing them five minutes early cuz I had to go to an appointment, and TG was surfing the net about spas I guess and she blurted out, "you are going to spa?"   Liliana looked at me and we burst out laughing.  "No, I am not going to a spa, Zena!'  I said

we talked about rap even tho Lil wasn't interested I talked about it with the Saudi boys and Zena who is closer to my age but loves Snoop.  we joked about him and I said he was getting soft and all he ever does is smoke pot but I still love him.  the boys are wild about talking about weed.

Alexa and I made plans for the morning in case I have to go to court via vm and email. and text.  After I got done eating my salad I saw a vm from Alexa.  she was so kind.  I almost cried.  She said that she hopes it all goes as smoothly as possible and she will help me in any way she can if she has to cover my class or whatever.  she has been there for me more than Chula.

Lit emailed me.  That boy is with me through thick and thin.  He is 17 years younger than I am.  he is with me like a faithful hound dog waiting at the door.  I ignore his emails, I snap at him, he is still there.  today with the, "i hope you are doing ok."  and he calls me by my other nickname, which I love as well.  he is golden, not sterling

Roberto, the parking garage guy, talks to me every morning .. he is so very kind.  on the card I gave him with the cake I wrote that I was getting divorced, how I appreciate him helping me out ... he told me he thinks I have such a great attitude, even with it being hard right now.   he knows I am a teacher, he talks to some of Alexa's students, the two boys who stayed after one time to talk to me.  they are so sweet ... today Roberto told me sadly that he had to stop going to college.  he is cool, nice to talk to every morning

I have a new job.  I really want the books.

I got almost 200 dollars more in alimony each month than he had been paying, for three years, 1/2 of a big deal of his, and he will pay two of my bills he has been paying until the end of 2015

the night was beautiful.  the sky was beautiful.  

KCRW music is so amazing it is such a gift to listen to it

to be here on the planet

all the horrible things happening in the world, it is a gift to live this free and well every second

for Milla

you know?

on the way upstairs to my apartment in the magical night I ran into Josh.  I had been ticked at him bc I saw him about a month ago when I was coming down on a high and I was angry and I had food in my hand and I felt bad about it.  

he was going into the elevator, his ear buds on,.  he took them off.  he said 'HEY Meegy how you doing?  I never see you no more"   I said 'ya ... I wrote a story!"  Josh is my only writing community right now he's a screenwriter.  he said "look at you!:  "  I was beaming.  I touched his arm.  and I squeezed his upper arm, I know huh!  it was just so natural seeming ... he's kind of hot

he was happy.  happy to see me and happy I was touching him.

he said ' I almost came over and knocked, Meegy, you never come out of your apartment!  I bet you heard me last night up to my usual old ways!"  

I heard him but I did not realize he was getting it on and I said "well good for you, playuh!"

we had a nice talk, I was telling him about my story.

yay yay!


I might get it typed tonite cuz I wrote it longhand maybe I could post it and re post the Raf story.  if that ok with everyone ... aw weel c huh?

its all good

its aite

I love you!

I love you medhelp!






12 hours - 6 comments

whose woods these are I think I know
his house is in the village though
he will not see me stopping here
to watch his woods fill up with snow.

--Bob Frost

mh I am just stopping by to say hello on a summer evening.  or afternoon.

work was great.  the kids were great, Liliana was almost as great as the rest, she really came around ... today ... we'll see I am cautious. she actually laughed!!!  more than once!!!!  at MY jokes!

the rest was hellish

at best

my law dog got into trouble why

did she leave everything til the last minute?  naw

I mean I didn't.  I had done all my part early

anyway the court hearing is tomorrow and she and her assistant were emailing me and calling me all morning blowing up my fone

my bp is about 180/160

and im almost out of Inderal oops

but I take it for preventative anyway.   im not interested in it.  yes, I will get it ... tonite maybe.  the farmacia always has a line a mile long I am not kidding.  however I no longer have insurance

because im divorced

my law dog was almost yelling at me to be in her office and sign the papers
I was so stressed

I am like 'im at work dog'

so I took off a few mins early.  you know how it is to rush from Ktown on the 101 to the valley ...

I got there at 207, about the time she axed . (2pm)

I read and signed all the papers.  I think what I got was pretty good, not what I wanted but I guess better than the ac ever hoped I would get from him

its crushing

my law dog seemed so happy
Lit is so happy

I hate being congratulated on my divo ... so I know others might want to do so ...

its awful

when I was signing the papers my wedding and everything flashed before my eyes

I have no one
no one to call or text

Hdoll I will never forget you being there today ty honeydoll


I just dk

I think my T is calling me tonite

I have lots of work for skule

and the law dogs' assistant just call me and say if the judge don't sign off on our settlement today we might have to appear in court tomorrow morning

a nightmare right up to the last minute

driving home from law dog all I could see was my fave bar which was close by and jd and like, drugs

and I remembered.  I had promised myself no drink no drugs pretty girl I don't care what happens.


im at starbucks.  I am having a MFL WITH WHIP!

I finally got to have the whip in my life


gotta bounce




Jul 20, 2014 - 0 comments

I got thru the day and it is almost over.  I am watching a movie with reese witherspoon.  I think its called election.  this is a funny movie I like it, I like her and I like mat Broderick

but im not going to finish watching it.  it's nine here.  ima turn off the lights im already in my pjs.  not the snowman.  its a grey tee and these pink and brown striped like ... what are they called capris.  it sounds stupid but they look ok and you cant really tell they don't match.  as if it matters lol

ima just snuggle up with Harrison, Pac and Katy and do my recording.  that's all I can do.

I think it is best if I do not contact the ac at all until the papers are signed.  I think it is best if I do not contact him at all ever.  but that's tough

I think I will keep my promise to myself today.  it was not really in jeopardy.  but im still glad I kept it and I am glad I am clean

all day, bc I had that kind of debilitating depression (except when I danced after I got up that was the high point of the day) that makes your body feel like lead, and like you cant and don't want to move, I was thinking of the things I am grateful for.  I was trying to sike myself up by remembering these things.  and I did remember them but I dint feel any better physically or such.  but I did say them ... aa, my health, nature , mh.  those were at the top of the list.

I know I have had enormous blessings here.  and I don't ever look that gift horse in the mouth . I really don't.  you should hear my recordings.  I just go on and on about all the love I get here, and about how lucky I am and I mock myself  like 'its not their fault I cant keep it in my head that they love me one hour after 20 ppl respond to me"  like that

I know.  I know I got it good

but I am still sad over the ac and my divorce.  wouldn't you be?  yes I think so.

its just so sad.  and lonee

and alls the time I think about the good times we had.  you know?

its like today has been one big cryfest.  cryfest 2014.  but theres no bands playing

I haven't smoked cigarettes for over a week and my cough and the little wheeze I hear once and a while are not any better!  and I am having my acai Tang ... so now what huh???? see!  so there!

also I still am having that weird pain in my right side and also detox symptoms like hot cold I know its all my fault if I aint relapse every five seconds I might be good

oh man.

I aint complaining though I am just cataloging.  

I am thinking about other people here who are going through it and I have been sending good thoughts to them.

I am apprehensive about tomorrow and Liliana.

I am worried about my new job.

I am sad that no one here is anyone I can tell about my job and that ... and that ... and I am sad that the ac is not here.  I miss him.

and I miss k and pinkett and shella and all the ppl.  I miss all of you.  even you.  yes, I mean you.

oh well.

what you gonna do Meegy

ima just turn off the teevee, the lights, and make my recording and go to bed with both my sleep aids and then I will really try hard to turn off my brain and sleep

goodnight medhelp




Jul 20, 2014 - 0 comments

zero, zero ... don't that make you happy my friend?  it should

its weird ... I am thinking of having fast food for dinner.  yup, that should tell you my mood.

for about ... four hours I guess ... I have been sitting around doing nothing, tossing ideas around idly

I guess im tired.  I had a bad night, dint sleep all that well.  and I just cant think of nothing to do to cure this lethargy, fatigue and bad mood.

I feel like everyone has deserted me.  well, not you lay deez mh

but everyone else

the divorce is final on Tuesday I think.  don't quote me on that cuz I have to wait if the law dog gets the papers in order and we still aint signed nothing

all day I have missed him

I mean I often do, especially on sundays  but

perhaps this is worse.  idk and it don't matter

it just don't

theres a ennay meeting at seven but I don't like that meeting.  its in this little room of a church with one little door and it always is packed and I feel trapped in there

the aa ladies ... well, when do I call.  and why.  no one seems to be able to handle me when I want to use, so should I call now, like when im only moderately depressed lol

I am full of self recrimination.  yes, it is partly due to you and I know ppl think I should not give you any quarter but its true so I am not the type for artifice.  im just not.  I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve;  you have no emotions ... what a pair we would have made.  I am very glad we never did.  im certain u r 2


I try to help ppl here.  I really do.  I help ppl behind the scenes too.  as selfish and stupid as ppl might think I am, I actually have some good will in me lol

oh my

shella ///  ??? where u at.  I miss u

I walked to seven eleven this is like 30 second walk.  there is a new guy there he's super old idk what happened to Sunhil or jimmy the white guy.  can you believe seven e don't have microwave popcorn?  yes.  its true.  alls they had was bags of pre popped corn for millions of calories each.  I walked out without buying anything, perhaps a first in my life

I cannot get myself to write lately, fiction that is.  I found a hike I wanted to go on today a new one but I could not get the energy to

I read a lot of npr news to try and depress myself enough about other ppls sitches so I would feel guilty being depressed.  now I am depressed and I feel guilty about it.

I miss k.

I found a lot of writing courses in the extension prgm at the college which is like one minute from me.  they are a little out of range of my interest but they might do.

and that's it.

im dreading work tomorrow

I have no one to talk to

yes yes you can feel sorry for me or laugh at me about how you do I don't really care go ahed I hope it amuses you

the thing is, I don't even have any loosely connected ppl.  how do you like that, honey?

ok well laters

maybe I feel betters If I gotted some food in me


la la

dee da