Apr 10, 2014
idk. I pushed myself really hard today .... I am tired and feeling a little migrainey. I just took a imitrex. I never know when you are posed to take it cuz they say the best time is before onset or right when you notice it but they also say Don't Take It if you don't need it so
im not sure.
but, in the past, with pills I always said ... if you don't know, take it!
jk ... little joke
nn the bears are all piled on the bed with me. actually they are sort of getting in the way, but I moved them gently because they have faithfully kept me company for the 365 nights of this past year. oh my! I have been in this apartment for one year as of ... yesterday, I believe. well that's a fine how dee do
work was a short day cuz Afternoon Session is only Monday Tues and Wednesday ... how I never knew this in the past im not sure. some things, very few but some, have changed at the old skule since I left. seems that Chula and Louis HOG all the white board markers. I am considering buying some this weekend or I guess stealing them (back) from their rooms ... also they seem to have misplaced, lost, or ceded all the teacher's guides to the downtown skule. this is ridic. I cannot teach without a teachers guide. well, I can but it is crazy.
since I have been working again, meaning writing, I have been trying to read more, mostly poetry but now I realize I need to read fiction too, to inform and inspire my work ...I know I will not keep getting language or an acuity of language or variety or color or depth or flow or rhythm if I do not read more. today I read Jane Miller, whom I love, and I read Li Young Lee, who is brilliant but daunting. I read a long sort of funny poem by Galway Kinnell about living alone. huh? ya. I realized how much I wanted my Annie Sexton back and that is packed in the some 40 boxes of books still in my studio waiting to go into storage. my apartment is so small I have very limited book space and idk how I will effect the move of more books and what books and how I find the books out of the boxes again ... these worries crowd my dreams and nights. for so many years I lived in the luxury of my studio with all at my fingertips. now I cannot even find a hole puncher. I dont' feel sorry for me. ok I do. im sorry Milla. but. I don't know how to get it all back or to take it wherever im going. I fret over this a lot. I want my books back.
when I got home from work I straight worked out. I did the jogging dvd man that one kicks my azz! it really does. I was so struggling and I just was hating myself and life. but I did it dammit. no weights today its the off day. then I wrote for a hour, it went poorly I felt. I did not read it back. I should fix that into my work that I have to read it back. jeez its like punishment, which normally I like but I guess it has to be meted out by someone else, preferably well necessarily a guy. omg shut up Meegy ok
I am eating soup cuz it is soothing but it is making me hot. ooh baby
please read my story.
uhhhhhh what else
then after writing I went hiking my home hike. it was SO freakin beautiful! I went at like 430 or so and the light was splendid. amazing. I did it pretty fast but I was tired, so sort of feeling it but im good at this hike. there were four guys riding like those little motorbikes what are they called. I am sure this is not copa on the trail ... they almost mowed me down too but most of the guys were nice and said they were sorry as they passed me cuz I stepped up on the side of the trail. I have never seen that on this path before. its sort of a family path I mean not family but a lot of runners, joggers and stuff and its narrow too
but it was real coolio I had a really good time. I stopped a lot to look around and I also prayed well I don't pray but I said stuff for people like my uncle and milla and it is just godhead stuff like I don't pray to god and I just say things. and I looked at how gorgeous it was with the light and the views of the mountains and the valley. I did think a little about raf and ransom but only a little
I have been thinking since I saw the ac that night about the settlement, and since I have been having more success and fulfillment in my real writing, that maybe I just don't need him no more. I think I don't need that guy. he has really denigrated me and made me feel like spit, like nothing. I don't need that. I don't need someone who don't see me for me and value me ... someone who spending their few brain cells left Pondering if they want me. fukk that spit man! he can have P. Diddy. I don't care. that is what I call the chick he was seeing. or is idk. it don't really matter. its sad. and im sure at times I will feel extra bad about it and want him back and go oh papi. but whatever. I maybe am growing out of that, I don't need that guy, I don't need him no more. and maybe I don't need those others too. I love Lit I really do. and I know he don't mean no harm. but he just don't know.
today before the hike my phone buzzed on the intercom from downstairs. its odd I don't know many ppl who know I moved and the ony ppl who know my last name and that I moved is Lit, Cope and the ac. it could have been any of them but for some reason in my heart I thought it was Lit. cuz I told him that I don't want to see him no more the other day and I know he is sad and he said he will be very sad aww. but he don't really unnerstan and that is not my prollem. I have been trying to tell him for over a Year that its not good for me no more. I realy do love him. he is a good boy. so I thought well why wouldn't he call me on the celly. maybe it was just some fool hitting any button on the com. but I thought it was him. I just had this feeling it was him.
when I was hiking I noticed some of the spring blooms and I thought of Joshua Tree, how this is the best month for it! I thought I could go tomorrow. but I am ded broke and would I just drive out and come back the same day? and I feel worn out. idk. I really want to be in the Tree but idk
I feel spent tonight. its early ... seanpenn has been blowing up my text and I have yet to tell him sayonara. he is sort of scummy to me now though I still think he's a excellent therapist if he could just keep it in his pants. w/e I am too broke for T now anyway and my old T is helping me sometimes
I wanted to create this space for tonite, research places to move out of state before I eat it in the next quake, and read, and listen to KCRW ... I am doing the latter two but I am so wet towelly I really want to sleep. even my arms hurt. my upper arms. I have had the desire to break stuff a lot lately and punch in the door cuz it seems flimsy but I have refrained since the last time I really hurt my whole arm and hand and k said to not hurt myself
but it still socks that the ac socks so much and sort of like, abandoned me. oh well
I thanked the godhead several times on my hike for many things that I am grateful for
I am sad that my folks have to disparage my uncle so much
he is dead.
sorry. I don't mean to be a downer
wow I have to admit this music is really dope
I miss Leila and Charles. like, a lot
and I miss raf. not for the person he is. for the sex he is.
I shan't fraternize with him again
I ax Suni to share his mouth sound effects with the rest of the group today cuz we all got together after the break. they were surprised especially Chula whose musical tastes range from World to World. ha ha sorry she is still tha bomb ... in an alternative universe sike! oops jk ... one with rr actually having feelings .. OMG sorry dint mean that either
oops angry much Meegy?
Suni was eating a sandwich from subway ... before we left for the day I ax him 'did you finish it?' his English is still limited ... I repeat it. he says. 'yes.' I said. 'no, did you finish it?" he said 'enough. I ate enough.' I said you should finish it. ohhh poor Suni I wish I could be his U.S. mom. he is moving homestays this weekend thank god. I made sure he had at least one fone number from someone in skule, Hedi who is Japanese too gave him her no. Hedi can always contact me or Chu if he need something. Chu tell me he have the number of the Homestay Company but I think that is rot. they set him up with that other ho in the first place right? they're a company. he needs one of us he is 15. but I thought maybe its better for Hedi to give him her number and call one of us.
my lawyer called I will call tomorry, it was a message. I don't want to call her. I just want it all to be over and I do want what I should fairly get but at this point I am willing to give it all up and walk away with nothing ... I am so sick of it all. I hate this whole money thing and I hate lawyers and I am not too into the ac. worst that can happen is I get no more alimony and have to move and live on the street. plenty of other ppl do it
so ya ima just chillax and read a little and maybe catch some zz's
I will get at you later medhelp!
Meegy loves you!