Jul 06, 2014
im eating salad and drinking hot tea cuz my throat and sinuses hurt
I know I cant complain if I smoke. which I did today. I was desperate. just 2
its been a hard day
I am lissning to Henry Rolins he dee jays on kcrw on sundays and he is grate he cheers me up. he's touting miles davis. I know man. he don't gotta say ... but it makes me feel so guilty ... tho he does cheer me up still. he is talking about how miles Never 'took his foot off the pedal' like kept achieving omg omg
for henry rollins its inspiring for me I feel bad about myself oh well
the tea feels good on my throat
when I used to get super freaking congested from coke and crystal I would boil a pot of water and then put it on the floor and put a towel over my head and lean over it. I was careful.
I was thinking how in early recovery, which is what im always in, yes my fault my choice, um, you cant expect to have all good days. like yesterday was such a good fukkin day and I can be happy with that. so I don't have to get upset when today socks so bad
sundays have always been hard for me.
it still is bothering me a lot that the ac did not even say how was your fourth. or even say he loved me when I texted him about the money. whatever. he wanted this divorce. he doesn't want me. I get it. he is done with me. that's good im glad
I needed him today. o r whateve ryou want to tell me . I wanted him. and he wasn't there.
im good. im good by myself. I don't need him or anyone.
I like being alone.
I finished the lesson plans at like 2 I was proud of myself and I think I did a good job. I still had test to correct but I did most of that just now and I will do the rest tomorrow.
after I got home from Star I wanted to use and drink. I really wanted to and I was depressed.
I sat around and thought about doing that for about 30 mins. then I called Lin 1. she was at target with her sons or something. we spoke briefly. then I texted Molly. she was ok. also a little brief though I think she would have talked if I called but during the text I called my sponsor and she picked up. she said come over . she was having 6-8 people over for barbeque and she said we can talk.
so I went. she lives about 15-20 minutes walking tho it was hot I walked over.
I aint been to her house it was ok. Tambam in a relationship with guy for over a year but she still close to her ex and he was there I know him he's in NA and her bf was not there. a few other ppl and her kids two boys in their 20s they are a challenge. I knew most of the ppl none of them was my favit ppl or not my favit
it was ok. I hardly ate and everyone mentioned that which made me more self conscious about it. then a issue came up about my age and I was just like 'im 45' and everyone was shock there was this silence but not in a good way cuz I said it at a time which was kind of inopportune and then I felt kind of bad and stupid but it wasn't a big deal but sort of whatever. I just sometimes get tired of ppl when they are like 'trying to figure out my age' and they wont just come out and ask ... but maybe that was not what they meant Im not sure still everyone stared at me. I just felt uncomfortable and Tambam's ex who likes me kept making remarks about my figure that embarrassed me. I mean it was good things but I just felt weird about it.
I talked mostly to this guy I think his name is Art and he is nice kind of kooky he was a ex surfer he's a couple years older than me he grew up in Malibu and he is kind of hood but kind of foofy to use an old word, at the same time he is a freak. we all are. but idk it was just a fringe type weird azz experience. he's ok. he always shows me pictures of his dog in the museum cuz he has this app that makes it look like the dog is in a museum. it was tiresome the first time.
after a few hours I left . Tambam knew I felt bad I could tell when she said goodbye but I guess she didn't have time to talk or maybe, I realized when I got home, I had to tell her I needed to talk. but medhelp don't yell at me please it was like a HUGE GINOMORMOUS EFFORT AND BIG DEAL just for me to agree to go to her house and try to be social and it dint dawn on me til later than I had to ax her to talk and when I got home I felt so much worse and so much more like drinking and using.
then I call Megan which was also huge cuz I really just wanted to go to the liquor store and I was almost going to leave and just get my bottle of jack and I called her instead. you remember she had said to call her, told me I can call her. last wed. well, she can just say 'I cant talk right now' I don't mind. I know ppl cannot always talk when you call them even tho I would just not pick up but if I did pick up and I still could not talk I would say I couldn't
but the worstest thing that I dread the most about NA happened when I called her and needed to talk that after ten or fifteen minutes she go "go to a meeting.' and she say 'go to the X meeting and then call me after." I said I would. she said she loved me, she told me that wed too, I know she does. and then we got off the fone but I did not go to meeting
I already spent most of my day with NA remedies ...
but yeah you called me honey and that was dope and I love talking to my little princess and that cheered me up a awful lot and saying good night to everyone felt sweet.
Tambam has the cutest dog I usually don't dig dogs a lot but he was a Benjy dog but super little and skinny her name Lola a girl oops I got mixed up cuz she walk like a woman and talk like a man. lol l o l a lola
um .. the dog was cool. I petted the dog a lot and told her how cute she was and I said "you know it too, don't you?"
I brought Tambam my best Gold Peak iced tea cuz I dint want to stop at the store and now she has my iced tea
but I feel better like right now I do not feel like using or drinking
just sad cuz
the ac is such a dikk
and bc I am lonee
and on sunday night I gotta go to work the next day and I am so freaked out about ktown and my class and Trouble Girl I start getting mig feelings big stress headache I took some ibu and the tea is soothing
but on Sunday I got to go back into my week with no one around here, no one to go to bed with (sleep) or talk to, and no comfort
and its just sukky and I don't just hate it, its that it feels so bad
who can come over?
because I want someone to come over now.