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5 hours - 0 comments

i still think what Noah wrote was superfunny and im not embarrassed to share it.  and, for the record, sorry to offend anyone but I do not intend to date Jewish guys.  that's just a policy.  I can break it.  but its not in the plans.  ive grown up with them.  believe me I know them well enough.  firshtay?

its the first night I took a shower here in the Norm Bates lockeroom.  it went ok.  I did it cold like you say H.  that worked wonders.  it was fast.

it is the first night I will sleep here since The Incident.  now im afraid the LAPD will come pounding on my door all the time ... I mean, late

but I feel aite right now.  clean and ready for bedski!

this Wallace guy is starting to really be a stalker.  I am so glad he does not know where I live.  he is sweet, but sort of cereal killer ish.  obsessive / possessive

I need a wax BADLY

does any of this make me seem like im not taking my recovery or recent sui attempt seriously?  sorry.  its not how it is if you think that ...

but, just to clarify I still don't consider it a real attempt.  I think I scared the hell out of me and everyone.  and that bothers me..  a lot.  to have worried everyone.  but I don't think I wanted to seriously go thru with anything.  I think I ws just freakin drunk and really sad.

and out of my mind.

besides that I was really ok.  

a little joke ... not to make light of it!

I looked into several rehabs that someone here advised me kindly about.  my fave is still C help maybe cuz I know it the best and it showed the bedrooms.  I know don't take me to task!  the bedroom is the most important part to me.  well ... not for that reason!  I just want to see that people aren't being tortured in there and like stripped of their teddy bear collections and whatnot

this place has the most programs and activities plus I have been there to pick up some friends.  and the people who work there seem cool.  and they have the sports stuff and workout stuff

yes, im concerned with all the important stuff sic!


but at least im looking


I still don't know if icould even afford it.  C Help took a message and is calling me back tomorrow when the clerical staff is in.  see/  you think I fukk around.  I don't.  I mean.  um

don't want to seem too manic here ... so I wont talk about the Other kind of fukking around ... ok?

Meegy ...


I talked to some ppl on medhelp and pm'd and texted and I just adore and love everyone and you are so good to me.  and the notes and stati and everything and everything is so neato and great and j comments and even the j censure well ok not that is fun

and I love you all for being there for me even when you say things I don't want to hear I still love you then too.

but I must maintain that MY prolems are much bigger than anything any rehab can handle especially in 30 days.  you don't know me.  ok, you do.  but I am SUPER FUKKED UP man

you know it!

so ... you know?

and my rage and hurt are just like beyond Trent Reznor


ok am I being too manic


ill try to be depressive


ok sike I was that earlier as many of you know.

so.  sorry

serislee tho I think the Lithium actually CREATED my mood swings or made them worse

ok Meegy now you really are being para

go to bed

and I mean to sleep young lady!

yes m





ty everyone


7 hours - 0 comments

im sorry ive been crude and labile in my j's lately.  I am going thru a lot.  sorry if I offended anyone or made the wrong choice in what I posted.  I can be that way anyway it don't mean im manic but whatever you want to call it im sorry.

one of the ones I wrote I did it on purpose cuz I was p*ssed that people were saying stuff about it.

but im sorry.

ill try to be more ... something.




c. help

9 hours - 2 comments

.... classrooms, computer lab, literacy library, group therapy rooms, full gym, and meditation tower. The outdoor area includes a large covered patio, basketball/volleyball court and a running track.


that's kind of dope huh that's what c. help has.  a running track basketball court and meditation towers.

the bedroooms still looks scary as fukk.  you have to sleep on different peoples beds.  like different colored bedspreads.

full gym.

Idk I aint going.

just looking around.

this a close rehab by me and its fairly well known but I knowed just a couple ppl who went there

you have to sleep in a room like at the mental hop

someone else s room

in another house

another change

another bed



11 hours - 2 comments

there was a lady at the mental hop.  a big lady medhelp.  big big lady.  use a walker but our age.

she was so sad and she always have water in her eyes.  what I ate with I ate with the ladies Linny, the big lady Terry, and the Norco Lady and me.  Linny very bossy but a good lady she is oller nice kind of a little bit disturb but she getting out with me.

she and Terry friends too.  better they know each other then me and Terry.  every day Terry lumber in with her walked to eat.  she don't eat.  hardly nothing.  she got water in her eyes.

and she don't say nothing.  just one word at a time.

one day we was talking about Silence of Lambs no one could remember the guy name but Terry say so quiet "Hopkins?"  

im like "YEAHay!  good for you Terry!  Tony Hopkins baby!"

she smile just a little bit

the lastest day I wroted down my number and gaved it to her.

she say "i have no phone."

"the house phone Terry you can call me from the house fone down the hall.  no one never call me Terry you can call me im free."

she say "I got nothing to say."  she get more water in her eyes but it don't come out.

I said "its ok Terry.  you just say Hi goodbye. that's all.  you can call me Terry.  I got no one."

I am changing that up to "i got people who care about me" like Cindy told me a while back.

but I wanted Terry to know I can be avelly for her.

she take the number.  she say "thank you.  you are sweet."

you know im trying medhelp

I always been trying.