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1 hour - 0 comments

well medhelp despite my resolve to be all positive I have been kind of depressed today and am/now

today was not a rocket scientifically wonderful day or what not

I am glad I did my workout, I have kept to my workouts this week, so far did four dvds and my weights every other day ... I have like one workout left this week a walk or hike ... or more if I want.  my 3 top hikes lately are  Brand Liberry, Nicholas Flat by the beach (near but past Zuma), and Placerita.  So if I don't go to the Tree I will do one of those 3 I think.

I was thinking of driving to the Tree tonite cuz I am jonesing so bad to go and I start work well sort of on Monday.  but its so hot like I said.  idk.   ... I could hike in the evening before it gets dark.  I thought about asking Chula but im certain she wont go.  She's pretty out of it like freakd out

Then I thought maybe I will go to the women's tomorrow then take off for the Tree, spend the night in a motel and come back Sunday evening.  not sure

my car is ready.

I know I would feel good if I was in the Tree though with all the health issues ive been having the extreme heat might not be the best choice.

today I have felt ok cept for in the morning when I got that weird feeling after I worked out.  working out itself was hard but it was not a hard workout its just I think I dint sleep well and I was listless and not a lot of energy which usually I get during the workout and I sort of did but  ... then I felt wack.

but later I felt ok.  my head still feels strange like pressure at times at various parts of my head.  but overall it feels a lot beter and it is not migraine pain just pressure

after I take the 530 pm Inderal which is the time I take 40 mg (in the a.m. I take 20 mg)  I feel tired.  idk if that's a side effect and with Inderal I hate to read about it unless well I read one thing somoen sent me and that was good.  but I don't want to read the pip  cuz I am scared to.

also lately my tummy ben hurting no matter what I eat well that is normal for me becuz my stomach always been sensitive

I been doing good with the diet though today I went over my calories by 26 calories and also one more thing I ate that Hedi gave me like this Japanese snack im not sure what it was.  before I went to her house I stopped at this market by my house ... it is fancy.  its a chain but its a fancy loke cuz its on the bully and it has a lot of organic stuff like WF.  well I have to look at this food cuz I been eating low sodium.  the fitness site that I track my food on counts your salt and the past 2 days sence I been trying I cut WAY down on salt and was within my intake.  but you see as atb said all the processed food has mega salt in it so I cant barely eat nothing.  all the lunchmeats are loaded with salt

so I looked at granola bars and I end up getting Annie's yes yours.  well I ate these in the past I know this brand.  they are a lot better than Quaker in terms of being healthy.  and when I taste all this organic foofy food I have to admit it taste good.  the foofy food taste good.  it taste like real food.

and my new FAVORITE tea cuz you know how much I dig ice tea is the Teas Tea or whatever the green tea.  I had it today it was exquisite.  I cant wait to get more.  I got this at the market by my house too

Hedi's was weird.  She did not serve nothing and tho I ate the granola bar and 4 of these 8 vegetable rolls in the thinnest little phylo type wrapping, just lettuce carrots and cucumber and ginger no rice it was really good, from the market, tho I ate all that I was starved when I got to her house.  and she had some tea but she hardly seemed to want to even serve that.  she was strange she barely asked about my new job and wanted to talk about the details of me leaving the old place though she no longer attends school there.  she had asked me to take her and her son to Target so I did but she aint tell me she intended to do all her grocery shopping!  she don't have a car so usually Chula take her

but Chula has not been around.  so also Hedi grill me about Chu cuz Chu aint told her she is moving yet.  I said nothing, but I texted Chula to please get in touch with her...

it was a odd visit.  I sat in the Starbucks at Target while Hedi shopped cuz she said she would call me when she was done.  she is a little off putting like that sometimes, cuz she is wealthy, she does this with Chu, like we are her servants.  I know she respects me and prolly just dint want me to be bored shopping with her but ... ?????


I tried to take a picture for you medhelp of my new cardigan and top but I didn't like how they came out.  despite what I said in my j I am just not feeling to attractive lately.  I need a haircut.  I think I am just tired.

my hair is tired.

I did not go see the Zombies.

as you prolly know.

well I hope I sleep better and tomorrow shapes up to be a better day.

lately I have been thinking of moving to the Pacific Northwest, namely Oregon only they have earthquakes too.  not as bad as ellay but they predict if theres  a big one in Cali then Oregon is fukked.

imo the only places to live in the US are the Pac NW, New England, and Cali

and Cali is earthquake country

I just cant see myself as a Texas girl.  can you?

im like a hippie girl or Amherst girl but a Texan?

I love accents too but ...

can you hear me talking like that?

I just oh my

I am having visions of Daisy from Dukes of Hazard

I am not like her.  

at all.

ok its all stereotypes but




3 things

9 hours - 0 comments

so, I was thinking medhelp could start to offer some sort of reward for ppl who are active on the site ... kind of like frequent buyers or flyers club, like Vons like points ... a points system ... would that be grifting?  ya

I worked out, showered, dressed, ready for prime time.  wearing my new chemise, which is quite brief and, I noticed, sort of see through.  no wonder they call it American Rag.  but I have the summer cardigan to throw over it so im coolio ...

its a weird top.  I find much of fashion weird these days.  it is very flowing and flares in the waist ... im not sure if its not too much material, however, I needed this size in the bust so whatever.  boys shirts for some reason just fit me better.  


I was thinking about Cindy.  I don't agree with her politic manner and I think there was a gigantic bridge (and a confounded one) between Maybe you could not call the ac and Did you consider calling a cab (which I did, actually but I was in screaming panic pain and I thought I was going to have a stroke, which was probably quite possible as I m sure my bp was WAY higher than the next couple days in the drugstore and That was high) .... that Cindy missed completely in favor of possibly having me jump the daim thing completely which is bad casualties of therapy bad

I just mean in terms of my sanity and self actualization and emotional survival not actual death ok


so um

I was thinking while I was getting ready and stuff ... what did she help  me with ... anything?  yes.  she identified my fear, which has been creating tremendous anxiety for me since the Mig last Thurs ... and prolly to a degree before, regarding all the job stuff and in general (1)


as a ruling emotion

not good

And she did bring up the issue right in my face that if I keep relying on the ac, even when im in tremendous pain (especially when?)  that I will suffer the consequences later.  hence, the Cab issue.

so I googled cabs and in big magic marker on a piece of looseleaf I wrote out three numbers and cab co names and taped it to the fridge (I don't have magnets)  (2)

(3)  she helped me see that I do have the 'I am so alone I am all alone' mantra.  While I disagree with her that it is not true ... ITS TRUE!  I agree with her that it is not serving me  

so for now, I have a new mantra for lack of being able to think of a better one:


I am strong, I am super bright, I am cute, I am hot, I am sexy, I am talented (oh yeah baby), I am funny, kind, sweet, creative OH MY GOD SO MUCH MORE MEEGY YOU ROCK AND ROLL MAMA!!!!!!!!!!


your quite welcome you super goddess

ty again

even more welcome  babydoll

It IS hard, Meegy.  It IS scary.  it is very very very very very very

scary for me to think of being alone
having  a stroke
or a huge migraine like this past weekend

and going to the hop by myself

but ... perhaps I could do it.  next time.  idk.  this time ... I did not feel I could.  I was in SO     MUCH      PAIN   I dont' really know if I could have waited in Urgent Care for hours or honestly even walked downstairs or walked period


but at least I have the numbers of the cabs on the fridge and

you know when I worked out today ... I found a new workout on my dvd its Leslie Sansone ( I know!  don't laugh but she has good workouts that don't kill you but still work you out)  and she has five on this one dvd and I never do this workout but I tried it again and its really good.  a little mellow but not too mellow I mean I liked it

no weights today its a off day for that

and so after the workout my head felt weird.  I felt not good.  I was sweaty not in a workout way but a bad way and I felt nauseous and miggy and all fukked up

I had a short panic attack like OMG what if I have to go to the hop what if it comes on again and im alone and I cant all the ac and omg this is my life now I don't feel good help

and I just

ya I tried to chillax.  I said the serenity prayer.  I did the dishes.  and I actually sat down and rested.  ya

I was like 'you are ok.  your in good general health, you are strong, your a good girl you will be ok

I mean it wasn't ideal medhelp I wasn't like LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  yay I am fine I comfort myself great!  

but I did it

and I wasn't in the throes of a huge mig but I did feel pretty bad and wiggy and my head felt reals weird on the right temple

and I got thru it

so idk

then I sat down and just LISTENED to the nidra yoga cuz I am like "I cant do it right now!  I wont!' so I told myself 'just play it while you do your stuff'  and I did.  and I sat down at one point and I began to breathe with it and I realized AGAIN how fukked up my breathing 'normally' is and it HELPED ME though I just did it for like a few minutes

and I feel better.  I feel ok.  I did take some ibu ( I know but it doesn't effect the bp that much) and some stomach meds cuz I have weird discomfort

but I feel better

I look cute in my new top and I am ready to go to Hedi's for tea.

I mean the ac ... and even those other two guys its like ... its not MY lack.  its theirs.  its like ... whatever, man.  if they don't think im super great to be around and know what the fukk do I need them for?

right baby


ok check you laters




13 hours - 0 comments

He hears the silence howling --
Catches angels as they fall.
And the all-time winner
Has got him by the balls.
He picks up Gideon's Bible --
Open at page one --
God stole the handle and
The train won't stop going --
No way to slow down.  

What is that song about????   I have wondered my entire life.  In fact, I've had kind of a love hater relationship with the Tull since early childhood .... my fokes and sister and all their weird friends in smoke filled rooms with the JBL's modified by my dad and uncle blasting ... I mean BLASTING ...   its like, I listen to the Tulls songs with morbid fascination ... who ARE they?  what are they singing about?  is the singer MAD???  he sounds crazy.  KAH RAY ZEE!!!!

hi.  good morning.  idk I I just herd that song on the radio yesterday.  also as a kid dont' you remember being like horrified and shocked and thrilled at the word "b-lls?"  yah well idk


just wakin up

my ear still hurts ... the right one.  its that awful mig ear.  No mig ... thank god ... just that raw achey flat bone pain that is like .... ooh supah mcnasty

I slept ok.  I fretted quite a bit cuz the doctor said ppl who don't sleep well die early.  thanks doc.  I have slept poorly for years ... oh well.  what you gone do

I fell asleep at 3am its a shame I was getting back to the ussr with my sleep

but I dint get up til 9.  I dint sleep thru but I slept a good bit I think.  this put me in Greg Kihn for my propanolanolanolololol lol lol lol STOP!  ok sorry   and um I took it imeedjatlee at um 9am

after I woke up and tried to pry my jaw open from the clenching (it took both hands)  and I took the Inderal and make some scramble eggs (do those have salt?) with no added salt and the pear toms and that's it!  no hot sauce wah and just wheat toast

I felt better.

its amazing how you feel better when you eat.

but the doc ain said nothing bad about starving yourself.

they never do nowadays ... all the perils of poor health are highlighted but not  not eating ... that's A OK with the world ... go on, starver, you fukker!  you will be unhappy and unhealthy but BY GOD YOULL BE THIN!

ok im calm

that's MY obsession ... im just saying its supported by half the waking world

I just feel that headache dyin to get through but the Inderal is like Back!  back

its a weird feelin

I have tea with Hedi at 230.  I have to go to the store and get something to bring I will bring fruit.

I am almost ready to ditch Cindy.  I know but she really was awful yesterday.  from the start I feared her conservatism but I held the Addiction Specialty above and hoped it would weigh out.  yesterday she told me I could have called a cab and went to Urgent care with my mig Saturday instead of call the ac ...

I was like 'do you get migs?"  she said yes.  I said "have you ever done that?  called a cab and gone to the hop by yourself in the midst of one of your worst migs?"  she said no but I told my daughter to do it once--

I was like well that's even better Compassion Queen


im not trying to be difficult but ... I don't even think she likes me.  and personally medhelp I think as a intern she's pretty fukkin lucky to work with me ... just sayin ... im cute and funny and smart!  VERY SMART!!!!

im NOT a boring patient

well ... its just SO hard to find a good therapist ... and expensive ... and its hard to find a very super bright one sorry it is

every week I am like 'ill give her a chance today'

how long can I keep going with this?  a couple sessions have been bomb and she is good at unraveling things and creating new perspective

but ... NOT compassionate
NOT intuitive

medhelp I spent 30 minutes of the session explaining why it is sad and traumatic to go thru this divo.


shouldn't she know some of this?

she ax me "is it harder FEELING the feelings or resisting feeling the feelings?"

ITS ALL HARD LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry I am being uncharitable

its boring explaining things to ppl that seem obvious

I am bored with my own therapy

snooze o rama

maybe that's where I should get my sleep


maybe you are right about talk therapy, hustler


its just this particular instance.  besides, you really need it.  its not their fault that you cant / wont talk

um sorry

I am certain that there are many many people in the world who have to be totally alone and sick.  my uncle for example.  I am not comparing myself to the level of illness nor the amount of hardship.  but its my therapy.  and its like she just expects me to get up and go to war, no preparation, no training!  just DO IT!!!  ya.  like, I need therapy for this???

she has no rachmunus.

this is do not need.


well, as always I have a lot to do today.  for some reason I have been thinking a lot about 2Chains lately.  I miss him.  I got to get some Chains back in my life.  I keep hearing this one lyric he sings about 'room service'  I am going to goog it

it would be awesome if Chains came to the door when you called room service

and I live in a restored hotel so that would work!!!

hello, Chainz???

oh, my

good morning




Aug 21, 2014 - 0 comments

well, because of doctor's orders, I am forced to take up residence in bed.

did I say that right?

hm.  I meant it to sound dirtier.

im sorry.  im reals tired

that's why I aim to sleep!  early!  earlier than early!

today was long and hard.  no, not that way.  now that's dirty!  uhm

I did my jogging dvd and weights.  the jogging is a hard dvd but I did real good.  I mean, I felt great.  I didn't push it but I pushed enough ... I did not feel like it was kicking my azz, I felt like I was kicking ITS azz!  yay!  this the feeling you strive for when getting fit

but I ran a snag with the weights.  the ones I did the other day sence I do them every other day was no prob cuz I slowed WAY down you will be glad to know         erghm     um      ahem         and I stopped between sets, no I stopped mid set, and after set and I breathed and I did everything just right  you like that baby

and it was all good

but today though I did slow down I got that weird brain tweak which I have been getting lately during um er

and it is not a big deal which is why I let it go for so many months untended to so to speak

but now I am para of it

as it should be I suppose

so I just stopped.

I rested for a while, meaning I did the dishes and cleaned up (well!  this is resting compared to working out right)  and then I went back to it

I did it slower and rested and breathed

and all was okey dokey

jeez Meegy!  your so OLD!

I know.  Sigh.  it happens to the best of us.  hopefully

la la la

dee da

de doo doo doo
de da da da da

poets priests and politicians
you don't have to turn off the blue light
those days are over


naw that aint true I had a few today

I did!

no, it was not from Sprint free messaging!


after that I shower, dress and that went good

I am getting better at just doing those things like normal ppl do them
however that is

I heard Matt Dillon in Drugstore Cowboy at intake in rehab he was like "you know its hard for us addicts ... we get all bent over things like tying our shoes"

man sence I heard THAT spit I try not to bich and cry the way I do normal when Im settin on the floor putting my shoes on   DAIM he called that one aint he!

double dog dare you!


I went on the Fingerprinting Nightmare

Man, I knew that spit was gonna bite me in the azz
and it aint feel good, neither!

my alma mater ... the ppl who work there specialize in Incompetence with a side of Hostility and a DASH of Cluelessness

oh, my

so I waited around for like a hour and FINALLY got fingerprinted

I know so many ppl there I ran into this tall thin handsome black guy ... oh man I remember his name Robert.  I saw him crossing the street while I was trying to park then after I runned into him when I was walking to the building.  I smile at him.  I think he use  to work at Cash management.  he was a new employee I worked there for 11 year.  I think he ax me out once and mh I do not know why lands sakes I did not go out with this man.  married.  now.

I smiled an he stop walking ... he look at me ... tilt his head "do I know you?

im like ya.  Many years ago

he is like HI

I said "Robert?"

he said YEAH

we talked briefly he is like "It is REALLY good to see you!"

dk why I aint goed out with him


the actuall arrival at the fingerprint office took me two hours ... I am not sure why.  I think I was hungry and tripping over the ac being a ******* last nite.  again. ya.  surprised?  ya I know.  im stupid

I know this

so I had this attack like I use to get when I am first detox ing or starving myself one of the two

I got really freaked out and I couldn't find my way around the campus and I was hungry and upset and I just wigged and I drove allllllllllllllls the way off campus looking for just Something I can Eat no salt, in my diet etc

I drove for hours ok 45 minutes til I come to Whole Foods at the top the Valley

im sorry everyone who like that store or affiliate with it but that store is Hard for ol Meegy

I just walked around wide eyed like where am I?

they have the like Organic Fancypants Everything

and all these expensive people in fancy clothes milling around and everyone look like a Star

I felt so small

and lost

finally I found a turkey quickbite sandwich

this took me hours I was nearly passed out from hunger

and I bought some ice tea with a poem on the side the bottle that taste like it sit in the sun brewing for OOLONG hours!!!!!!!!!!!! jeezus I don't need to wax no more burn the hair all off my body daim!

but I felted better and everyone treat everyone like "hellllooooooo little miss how are you doing today fairy princess?"


then I went BACK to campus to get the prints

and accomplished it that time

after that what was in order?

that's right!

another present for enduring that !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I told you that check is spent.  good thing its big!

that's what I said, baby


and  I went to Macy

I know

right wing




here dude


I went to this Rag Co ... the American one ... the kids say that's a good brand

I got this raglan sleeve nubby summer cardigan with a zipper and bluish with navy ties it is SODOPE for 30 bux it was on sale and a little chemise with a scoop neck and  a woven linen placket with snap buttons for 15 bux!!!! half off!  aint Meegy the bargain shopper hoy!


and Mam!

then I went to therapy.  Cindy did not impress me today.  I will tell you about it some other time.

I been taking the 40 mg Inderal at night and 20 in the morning juss like the doctor order but I still feel weird especially right now.  alls day the mig threaten but I stave it off I think and yes I am eating right I am eating a LOT and I cut down my salt to the right amount today tho I ate nothing in the first half of the day but fruit cuz I could not find anything without salt!!!!!!

I cannot afford to shop all organic and spend a million dollars

I just want to sleep right now

tomorrow I am having tea with Hedi in the afternoon

I think I am going to write (f) just a little bit before I go to bed.

ty everyone, for enduring me.  if it is too awful, trying swallowing a teaspoon of sugar first.

then read my j's