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Nov 07, 2014 - 2 comments

im in bed!  im finally in bed.  I have kcrw on, the air condit though its cold out ... I know ... im 45 ... and perhaps detoxing, prlly through that idk, or not, benzos take a long time right .... I have a tv dinner, I think its Salisbury steak im not sure I really don't dig this meat especially this fake azz awful stuff but I don't even care at this point and the supermarket stopped carrying my top pix.  I have the bears here ... and lions ... tigers ... I went to the market, so I have KLEENEX!!!!


what should I tell you first.  maybe ill save the good part of the day for last.

after IOP, which was ok, escept the one event which was Awesome (no!  it did not involve Robby!  ok it did)  I decided to hit the supermarket.  I really needed to go though I was worn out already tired hot cold and all that

but I whipped through the aisles throwing stuff in the cart at top speed.  I was exhausted its the cheap market and you have to bag your own groceries and also guess how many bags you need to buy no I am NOT green sue me
I promise I ll start recycling again even juicing after I get over this divorce lol



so I am driving up to my bldg. and I try to turn into the driveway to go back to the parking lot behind the bldg. but I cannot pull in because theres a fire truck and a ambulance or whatnot there from LAFD

right away I just thought 'Omg Nancy is dead"  I swear that's what I thought.  I was in the red in their way so the guy had to stop traffic so I could pull out and go around the block and I parked in the front pakring lot.  I had a trunk full of groceries and my drivers side window is broke so it don't roll up its automatic but not no more you cant get it to go up unless you babysit it for five minutes but I just left the car open, grabbed my purse and ran into the bldg.

Nance lives on the first floor.  I am praying "god please don't let it be nancy's apartment"

but it was. t he paramedics were surrounding her door like five of them.  they were yelling in there "mam please open the door"

I heard all fo this and saw them and I got a little hysterical  and started crying then I pulled it together and tried to go up near the door but they said stay back

then one minutes later this lady Hope Diamond from NA showed up and lm like 'HD!  " and she said "hey Meegan"  and she hugged me

then the guys were yelling please open the door .. but there was nothing and I was too far away to hear but I guess nancy was fine and yelling at them but she wouldn't open the door.  I just thought maybe she was out or dead.

they ax me to call the manager and I did.  he didn't have a extra key cuz nance got all fukked up and totally out of her mind on crack and locked herself out of her apartment earlier today

so they are like 'weer going to kick in the door"

the guy turned around and kicked it in like standing from a backwards way he kicked backwards it was real loud like BOOM!

and then I heard Nance and I was like THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU GOD

and I couldn't get close.  I just heard her yelling at the,m.    ya it was a total reliving of my nightmare they were trying to 5150 her

and she was yelling at them!  get away from me you mutherfukkers don't touch me I aint going nowhere!


then HD got close and after like ten minutes of yelling they were like 'ok mam sign this paper' and Nance signed it and they left and the paramedics loked sympthatetcialy at me and HD and oen of them winked at me

then I went in

nance was wasted out mh.  she is like 90 pounds anway shes a aktris but she is like 30 pounds.  she could not stand up straight.  she was wasted out of her mind on crack and vodka and whatever.  she was in a robe which kept falling open.  she looked horrible.  her face looked horrible.  she could barely walk.

we got her into bed.  after a while of just calming her down and she was so irrational mh but still every few minutes spitting out a sentence that was lucid, she was screaming about getting out of bed to get the vodka bottle I am like 'get the fukk in bed babe I will bring you the fukking vodka tell me where it is;

like that

it was awful.  we called Jay her fiancĂ© .  he's in a sober living.  it took him a good hour to get there.  we were baby
sitting Nance.  it was horrific.  I wont go into detail but she smoked crack in front of us.  I never want to use again.  ever.  never.  ever.

I think she went into the bathroom to shoot up because later she insisted on getting up anyway

it was forever mh for ever and ever while I had every anxiety attack and freak out in the book.  I was already exhausted.  I love Nance.  it was so painful.  so painful to watch.  and the beginning  with the paramedics I got to relive what just happened to me 3 weeks ago

until Jay finally arrived.  I will tell you mh when he got there ... he was so done.  he didn't even seem concerned.  he darted into the bathroom to pee ... by this time my semi sponsor tambam had come because HD had to leave and did not want me to be alone with Nance.  even tho there was us 3 girls there and Nance jay did not even close the bathroom door he just whipped it out and started to pee.  very sort of weird I think huh

but I aint look.  honest I did not I was sort of like gah.  really?  and Nance was a little ticked.

finally after what seemed like an eternity mh we got to leave.  I was so upset at seeing Nance that way and so worried for her and scared for her and at the same time thinking ' I just want to stay clean I just want to stay clean' and 'I have to get out of here'

I am not going back.

tambam came upstairs to my apartment for the first tiem.  she liked it.  I was exhuatsed and she helped me bring up the groceries.  she was like wow cash in on the Kleenex meegy im like ya I know   and she shoved all the tv dinners into the freezer they barely fit

then I followed Tambam back to her house and she gave me this like watery chicken soup she made which I think was thinner than the stuff they gave out at the concentration camps

but I crashed on the couch in the bedroom she was going to rent me which I think this girl Nia is going to take idk if that's good or not.  I talked to tambams special needs 20 yo son he was so into talking to anyone and he is a sweet doll and I see why she is so attentive to him but I feel bad for both of them

then tambam took me to a meeting.  NA.  I have not been to that meeting in a long time.  I don't like it.  a lot of the people rub me the rong way what else is new right but really you would say so too and so the whole time I am like L and T ty so much for writing me on the kurt j cuz that saved me during that meeting I am like Meegy L and T are with you

the meeting is late til 9.  Nora was there.  she is about to pop that kid inside her is due nov 29.  she could not shut up she was really nice and she was really sweet to me and said "Meegy you are too smart and amazing to keep doing this to yourself.  call me'  and we did talk for quite a while ... I do like her

I talked to this young guy who came up to me his name is Torn and ive seen him at a lot of meetings he was talking to Nora and us and hes a good kid and he was romanticizing shrooms wich I told him he was doing and I said those things made me throw up

hes a good kid though and verycute tho white.

not my type

and too young.  too young for me!  ya'

then finally we left and Tambam exploded in the car when we got to her house that she was upset and she was going thru a hard time and SHE wanted to use!  she is definitely not sponsor material.  I comforted her and told her she better not use

she did tell me as I left that if I decided to attempt suicide again I better call her first and I sed "yup'

she had not known about it cuz the chick I called did not tell her.  ya!


i was just so tore up about the whole thing medhelp.  i swear to god i am like still hyperventilating.

but i know i said this last night and i couldn't help it cuz i drove in and saw the ambulance and i just ran to her apartment but i will not get involved again.  i swear.  i wont  i cant.

and i was like Meegy this is what you did to mh and everyone three weeks ago


so like

a truly sobering experience.

i don't ever want to use again

i don't ever ever ever want to use again.

you know what im going to post this and write a new entry after cuz my computer is going nuts

love you



Nov 06, 2014 - 5 comments

I was thinking about how kurt like, got at the audience he was getting at at a particular time in which it was receptive to him.  I mean, I think for kurty it would have been that way at ANY time.  but you know the what do you call it zeitgeist of the time was somehow a 'breeding' ground if you will ha ha ha for his particular amazing warped version of reality

I love kurt

sloppy lips to lips
your my vitamins
I like you


today is a good day for me.  I am still tierd, you cant make up a decade of sleep overnite, but in general I feel better.  group is ok.  its led by Rudi, today, a chick.  she ignores me.  I have learned a lot about myself and substance abuse in t his program and for that reason I am so digging it.  its educational and it addresses emotional issues.  for me there is obviously a lot about group dynamics and my voice.  it is so EASY for me to drop into the world of writing and my own head.  I cede the floor like that.  in a snap.  and I see the reason is that my moms was like, silencing me in so many ways. particularly in expressing anger.  so as a strong person I was like 'Oh ok.  I cant talk about this or that feeling?  then I will say nothing.  I will show you how long I can be silent!"

and I try to make my silence speak louder than words.

but it doesn't work that way.  it is the noisemakers of the world that get herd in everyday life.  and that has presented a lot of problems for me that what could easily  solve?


very good Meegy.  using 101


Robby is So Hot omg.  I know ... this is not why im here ... btw im home for lunk

(i alredy 8)

at break, up until which time I think I had uttered zero syllables, I walked out into the hot day and saw the rest of the group, about five people, smoking and talking.  I looked over at them diffidently.  I could see them watching me like Come on Meegan.  and in that split second I was like :  you have to force yourself to make contact or you will leave angry and hurt

so I did.  I walked over there.  as if I dint care and had no issues about it whatsoever.  I don't need you fukkers

Robby was all over me, not cuz he likes me he realizes im a OLD lady lol , he wants me to succeed he is so very sweet he is like 'HELLO!"

im like hi

shuffle, look down

ohhhh Meegy

but I was doin it

and I talk to Cherry!  omg she is that young girl that all the guys dig.  she is mix race like white and Asian ya

and I go 'what is your shirt about tell me'

cuz she got Bob Plant shirt on!  and its dope

it have a new band like the space ship shifters or something

she go "I saw them at the forum'  and a convo ensued and she is like 'I can email you pix' and I am like YA

so that turned out allls good

and I went into the next session better

but Rudi still ignore me and I was like 'OK  *** you'  I wont say a word cuz she just SKIP me everyone notice it too!

and I aint.  I aint said one goddam thing

stupid Rudi

stupid meegy!

oh well

I am trying my berry bess

I wll check you laters




Nov 06, 2014 - 2 comments

Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip
Mum mum mum mum mum mum
Get a job
Sha na na na - sha na na na na

Every morning about this time
She gets me out of my bed a-crying
Get a job

After breakfast every day
She throws the want ads right my way
And never fails to say
Get a job

Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip
Mum mum mum mum mum mum
Get a job
Sha na na na - sha na na na na

And when I get the paper
I read it through and through
And my girl never fails to say
If there is any work for me

And when I go back to the house
I hear the woman's mouth
Preaching and a-crying
Tell me that I'm lying
About a job
That I never could find

Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip
Mum mum mum mum mum mum
Get a job
Sha na na na - sha na na na na

--the silhouettes

Meegy:  Clint?
Clint:  Ya baby?
Meegy:  Um, what are we doing today?
Clint:  (laughs)
Meegy:   i mean, after that
Clint:  whatever you want, baby
Meegy:  um ... can we ... go to Leo Carillo and hike Nicholas Flat and then watch all the surfers get stoned and surf until the sun goes down?
Clint (looking up from newspaper):  as long as you're not doing any of the getting stoned part baby
Meegy:  DUH
Clint:    ::raising eyebrows::
Meegy:  sorry
Clint:  ::sigh::
Meegy: Clint?
Clint:  yeah baby?
Meegy:  did you know that taking Clonopin will extend your recovery time?
Clint:  ::sigh::  Meegy?
Meegy:    wha ...
Clint:  come here, baby

i bet Clint could handle that hike becuz he's a movie star and he's in great shape!  he could HANDLE it, baby!  OH yeah!  

Meegy Clint is like 700 years old.

He is not!

Have you actually WATCHED any of his movies lately?

You mean like, Play Misty for Me?


hey shut up, i am NOT misty!  jeez!  he'd be stalking ME!

keep telling yourself that Meegy




I SLEPT!!!!!!!

no.  no you don't get it.  i aint talkin bout the kind of sleep you are like wow i don't even feel like i closed my eyes or

whatever i mean not that

i mean SLEEP!

actual SLEEP!

i woke up and i was like ... Whoa ... dude, .... where was I?  wheres my car?

i dreamed.  i dreamed that i went to this job innerview int he Santa Susana pass and it was an intervention and while they were doing the intervention there was a huge earthquake and this gigantic boulder rolled into bldg.

all my fears wrapped into one

oh my

but i slept and when i woke up i was like THANK YOU GOD

that's what i said

then i thought "i am SO grateful i am not downstairs shooting H"

and then i was like .... ok maybe like ONE iota would be into it

but naw NAWWWWWW

fukk that spit man!



i cant wait to go to IOP.  what will i wear?  hmmmmmm.     will i take a thousand pix of myself and try to pose?  will i post yet ANOTHER pic of myself by my bed in front of the closet mirrors on mh?

what should i do about my computer and Punky?  god.  stupid Punky.  did i tell you i was having a debate with him called Samsung vs Sony and i was like "Look Punky.  my dad told me NEVER to buy Samsung and unless i needed my fone feeling so fly like a g6  i would not have bought it.  in the era of Technics remember that Punky and all that stereo equipment do you remember how BAD Samsung products were considered then?"

he was like "but Samsung took over now"

i said "George Bush took over whiel back too"

he was like ::        ::

did i alrady tell you that story.

i hate Punky

stupid Punky

so, does anyone want to talk about the fukking Republicans?  omg I am SO sorry Clint ::demurely::  i didn't mean it.  really

i don't want to talk about them.  i really don't

part of what i have learned in this recovery is just how dirty and messy your house can get and how the world will not end.  this is pretty fukkin great.  its a mess!!!  and it just keeps getting worse!  lol    lovin it

um  what else

lets see ... ah ......

gosh idk.  i think my brain is sort of trying to mimic the normal whatever that maybe functioning of a hb

NO not a hp a hb!  i still prefer us to computers man

although i must say i DO like your hard drive

ha ha ha

get it?

hard drive?

good morning medhelp

ty for helping me

ty for asking me if i was hi even though i was not and i got mad.  im sorry.  i love you and i wore my Coat the other day cuz it was cold and i thot of yoo

ty for suffering me

and i mean suffering

i am sorry

i know i am one of the world's most gigantic pains in the azz

and im not proud of it

but im working on it

i am not working on not being a pain in the azz

i am working on being a smaller, much much smaller pain in the azz

and that is my motto for today!




Nov 05, 2014 - 3 comments

so.  ty medhelp.  i guess that is a really hard part of the day for me since the hop is after i get home from IOP ... now i feel ok.  i don't feel like doing laundry or going to the market ... but i probably could if i absolutely had to like if someone held a gun to my head like in the video we saw today of the guy who was going to drink a shot or get shot and he put the shot down.

um.  yes.  i do take this seriously.  i relly do.  even tho i used the K.  im sorry about that too.  but i guess the only person i have to be sorry for is me.  but not really.  i guess for you too so yes i am sorry.

and im sorry my brain is sort of scrambled in some of these j's .  i guess i get to be any way i want to cuz im getting off lithium and all the other junk ... right?  um.  

so i have a question.  the ac a whiel back i guess when he gave me the last bunch of pills like before all this happened or whenever that was.  he couldn't find the Brita filter so he bought a new one a  Pur and he put that one in.  so now like ... what four weeks later?  what is it since he did that?  idk.  there was a green light that flashed whenever you switch on the filter.  well, now the light is like greenish orange.  does that mean it s warning me that i might need a new filter soon?  its like a traffic light?  i can sort of go if there is enough time?  or do  i change it now?  oh you mean i have to read the instructions.  naw.  aint gone do that

i mean i do drink a ton of water but four weeks?  whatever

medhelp i have several developments to report sence i last wrote.

1) Punky has been real punk tonite.  idk medhelp but when i picked up his business card from the lobby by the mail boxes it did not say "if you wont be my girlfriend i refuse to fix your computer even if you pay me"  i mean!!!!   i did NOT lead him on!  HES the one who has ben texting me every other day and i have been NICE that's it.  Polite.  Nice.  i am nice!  i did not lead him on!  at all!!!!

so tonite he sez 'hows your computer how are you'  and i am like 'actually its already broke.'  i aint say it that way.  i said 'maybe you can come by this weekend and take a look at it' and he cross texted me and said 'btw you can always text me any time you want to talk.  you don't have to wait for me to text you first."  he texts me this like every other day.  i am always nice about it.  ive been honest!  like i  said "i am out of work and going thru a lot right now.  i am not very stable. '  etc.  i have been straightforward with him  tried not to be like too open to talk

and after i said "thank you for extending me the kindness about texting ... what do you think about the computer?"
he never text me back!!!!!!!

is it me?  is IT???????

stupid Punky.  now i have to find someone else to fix my computer that HE fukked up!!!!  

i cant help it if im cute and smart  and i know the word 'cached'


2.  your really not going to believe this.

i called Nance back.  first of all the good news:  she won this really prestigious acting award that i cant tell you the name of or it will break her anonymity

she is shooting H.


i mean i thought she was a cokehead and was totally using member i said her texts were like ... wackier than my js?  ya   and so .... i called her and she told me this.  and her fiancĂ© is now in sober living

she told me she has been in treatment 30 x.  not exaggerating

i was like 'you are going to die.  you need to go back to treatement.  '  she told me she got methadone to get off the H.  i am like are you fukking kidding me?  she said she is worry about her career.  i said you aint going to go back to your career or nothing baby.

i am SO not getting involved with her.  i promise.  but i mean !!!!! she is downstairs shooting up H!!!!  how many ppl do you think are doing that in the bldg. right now?  in the world?  omg

omg medhelp

3.  Nance told me that that nice guy in the wheelchair i have not seen his van for about a month died of a heart attack from doing coke he was a coke addict.  that nice guy!!!!!!!!!  i just saw him!

he was like our age.



i hope i don't get to talk to Nance again soon.  i will not call her.  

i just saw the end of Beetlejuice.  i do not really like MIchael Keaton but in this movie he is really good.

beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice.  this is one of my favorite movies.  as you may remember i want to be winona ryder.  or maybe be with her.  ya

i still think it was funny about Kobe.  im sorry.  i know im super mean.

he ran right into the audience chasing down the ball.  HA HA HA!

ok done

i just love this new kid Robby he is so cute.  i mean he is not really my type.  he' s a journeyman or apprentice or something and he got caught using coke and other spit on the job so he is forced here.  he is working on our power lines.  great!  he said all the guys he works with are high all the time.  he is really sweet too.  not like Bruce.  i guess Bruce is just way more insecure but i really cant stand the way he goes on about mindful eating and how he wrote his thesis on capitalism (sounds riveting) and such i just ... ok sorry  being jujmental


anyway i was trying to catch a glimpse of Robby's underwear whiel he was bending over in his chair and stretching and i did he was wearing boxers and boy does he have a great body!  ooh lor!

but that is not why i am there.

and if i get depressed again tomorrow i promise you i will not be looking at anyone's underwear again.

unless they are cute.


no, i really do take it serious and i dint realize the K would set me back so bad and like.  i know i know.  i should have thrown it away.  but i have done all the other things and i am serious.  it was just such a horrid morning.

ok i am back on track.

i am going to do this.

i mean i freaked out when i got back from Kaiser cuz i read the comments and like "OMG am i really supposed to use NOTHING not even Ativan or nothing for the REST OF MY LIFE for ever and ever?"

i said, "Yes Meegy.  that's the idea.  but you do it ONE DAY  AT A TIME"

oh.  oh yeah.

i got this day!


i got it.

i wrote down everything in my day planner book so i have all the dates of when it happened, when i got out, the day i stopped the JD, the V, the coke, and then also the day i took the last Klono.  

let me just say though medhelp i am all on board and i am doing the work but it is hard.

this is hard medhelp

it aint no walk in the freakin park

but it is a lot lot lot better than being in the mental hop.

did i tell you one of my latest prayers?  maybe i did.

it goes:

I am grateful.
I am okay.
I am healthy.

i love you

ty for putting up with me.


Meegy (yorz)