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4 hours - 2 comments

ive just been on this endless rubber sole kick.  i dont even like the Beatles that much.  well, i guess i do ... but ... ya.

i said rubber SOLE!  sole!!!!  not rubbers!  gah!

ok so ... i am drop ded tired, its 824 pm here.

idk it is hard to explain to ppl and i know ive gone thru this with you guys too, why i miss the ac.  like until i describe some of his very good quals  ppl hate him.  he is and esp was a very good person, very much a caretaker, till he turned on me, got  a new chick, and started working hard as he could on his alcoholism


but i mean this lady today seeemed to be like the arguments i would have with you guys on here in the past ... JUST SAY FUKK HIM!

well.  its not that easy.  i was with him for 15 years.

but i am def more willing now than then to say that . .   i try it EVERY Time

its not that I WANT him to come over.

well, i do.



i miss him.  i miss sleeping with him (bof) ... and i hate sleeping alone

the lady today was like "go to meetings all day after you get out of here.  you wont be alone."

GOD that is SO not the point.

anyway the main thing is i really dug today.  i talked to Sheryl at the meeting (yes i went to a meeting from 6-730pm), a women's AA that i really like, and she was like 'You are trying to sabotage your recovery."  im like im not!!! its the LAW!!!!  you guys are all about the fukkin bleeding honesty!!!!  and she was like 'you were honest.  you called and asked them if you still had coverage.  they said you did.  keep going."

i argued with her for a while.

but im going to go.

i mean, the ac could narc on me (no pun intended) at any time.  and i could lose the coverage at any time.  but i will take it one day at a time cik and KEEP goin

i really like it there.

even tho they are biches

ha ha

i mean, they are doing their job.  and if they can help me help myself i can take it.  i know im not a sissy, L, that was the whole point.  but ty.  :))))

fukk yeah!  i could kick ALL those fukkers azzes!  now if i could just stay clean ...



the meeting was good.  Sheryl is another angel sent to my life.  she is like in her 60s, she is real relaxed, kind of granola lady, sort of scrungy and jeans, she's like ... idk kind of older cool.  hard to describe.  she's kind of down to earth, bluish white collar, etc.  she is very cool and i dig her a lot

Tambam has NOT called me.  I am certain Andee told her about me.  but i know!  she has her own life and H, you just never know.  the girl H

um.  i am certainly not wearing a costume tomorrow.  

Just me

MM invited me to Olvera Sati for the Day of the Ded festival so after the AA women's i said "im there dude"

love you medhelp




8 hours - 7 comments



what would spike do?

he would Do the Right Thing

thats right Meegy

its the Law

well ima quit i think

i love it

i really like it

ooh i am tire.  ... today was actually from 930 to 230.  hour lunk.  and i ain been sleeping.  so the thing is i still aim to goto womens AA with Sher tonite this good meeting i been to it before relapse and hop

but i forgot to eat and i feel bad so hb egg

and know what?  when i logged into my fitness counter and put my new weight they go "do you want us to recalibrate your calorie intake so you can start to maintain and stop losing?

i said no.

i mean ...


ill go back and change it


Kaiser may be slackers when it comes to practicing internal medicine  and diagnosing but ...

they got the Substance Abuse program DOWN baby!

ya im down mother fukker

jk lil joke


lets see

so it was reals good.  they only four five ppl today.  morning was only four with me.  afternoon was five.  and a woman graduated today she gone byebye

and i ain gone go back i think

the morning this lady ... they get RIGHT to the meat man i was talking about my moms in like five seconds.  and she was right on too.  real smart.  and they was helpful.  like .... your mom has spent her life protecting her emotion from coming out so bad she cannot possibly handle you emotion Meegy.  but we dont get  to turn our anger and grief inward.  thats where the depresh comes from

i know all this.

but if she do too she can help me with it

and we talked about other stuff

one guy clinically depress.  i got a laff out of him when the lady ask me "are you a sissy?"  she say this at the end of this WHOLE segment she spent on ME ... talking to me gettting answers etc ... and i was quiet like i am but .. you know ... but i took offense to that so i dont answer her.  i just ignore her.  then she is like and she werent mean or aggressive just at the end she said that and took that tack and i aint answer and she go "cuz this program is not for sissies.  if you walk in that door you have to be strong' or something and i just shrug like truck you mother trucker

then after she all done she go 'yakyak yak yak yak yak yak yak"  and then i say to finish the whole Segment on Meegy before they move on to the next person, "Can i swear and be vulgar here?"

and she say "lets take a vote"

and they all nod vigorously

i say <'IM not a fukkin p*ssy!!!!!"

then everyone laugh a lot and they alls like me.

it was hard work medhelp.  they aint mean but they aint warm and fuzzy and it is hard work.  did i say its hard work.  its good for me.

but i think i got to leave.  dont you?  ya

so like

that was the first lady

then we had a lil break that section was like 90 mins  i think.  we also did h/o on fambam dynamics ... i already know my role.  she talk to me about that too ... i am like a combo of the 'scapegoat / rebel and 'lost child' and like ... when i told some of the story about my moms, esp how she reacted about me in the hop, i thought this one guy, Tom, who i think is like 29 and separated, such a sweetheart, but he's white and young and he is soooo nice, i thought he was going to jump out of his seat and put his arms around me 'awwwwww! ;  god this guy

but we talked a little about different ways of trying to deal with the fact that i will never get what i want from her.

later was another lady she was REAL Direct and she just talk to each one of us for like 20 minutes about us cuz she sort of didnt know everyone.  she spent a lot of time on the clinical guy.  and a lot on me i have to say.  she was brutal.  about the ac.  she was liek "this man is bringing you drugs.  he is doing things that are killing you.  and you think you want a relationship with him?  he does not want a relationship with you."

i said i know.

she told me i cannot do both.  i cannot get clean and keep seeing the ac or even have him in my life. its one or the other.  she said do you see that.

i was upset.  almost crying.  again i thought Tom was going to jump over and kiss me.  he is such a sweet guy.

oh well.

in the afternoon there was the MEAN NURSE intake lady from day one.  she showed a video.  slacker.

it was about this alcohol guy who lived on the streets and eventually died it was super depressing.

i dint get to see my T at Kaiser today.

so ya i guess ill quit.


i am rils tired medhelp.  

i came home and wanted to lie down so bad but instead i worked out

i think i have some low grade flu from that daim shot and

i am so tired.

but if i can i will goto meeting tonite

and i know i need to eat

it ain healthy

and i am going to try and work on my temper today

i have divided myday into from wen i wake up to noon i will stay clean

then from noon to 8-\pm
then 8pm to sleep

cuz i caint stand to think of staying clean the whole day in one chunk

the Harsh Lady told me this was smart.  she said you dun good there

the first lady say it was nice to meet you cutie

and all the T;s about ten year or less oller than me remark on my cute looks.

well that is nice.

but i been feeling kind of sick


so i feel like so so

and i got to quit this dope program


how are you?



love shack

16 hours - 5 comments

oh spit medhelp its a busy morning in my mind so idk what to type first ... hm ... i could make a joke here but i wont ... it starts with a T.  um!  Meegy!  no offense.  i am lucky to have your care and concern.  i am serious about that.

first off, when i said dont comment on my j's, i aint mean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  DOH jk its fine either way

::sniffle::  i aint sensitive

i am going to IOP today.  i figure maybe at least today and tomorry.  it calculates by time right?  so to the end fo the month might as well

i ben thankin about it a lot.  i mean, the chick on the fone at Kaiser Member services said "his employer has to notify us to disenroll you"

well ....

and she said my bennies are intact and that she wouldnt have even seen nothing if i aint ax

that dont mean they wont hit me with a back bill

but maybe by that time they cache up if dont go i be ded

ha ha!

never joke aobut your own deth Meegy.


i take it back God.

anyway im going today

so i have a hour to write

prol be done before that idk

so yeah i was telling L i really did a  number on my arms and hands in my tantrum last night/   good job, Meegy!  thanks!  my right hand and shoulder feel so fukked up.  idk why cuz i just threw a chair but as i told L i think i must have done another thing or too while i was throwing it that i aint realized

and my left is ok.  thats the hand im not dominant in.  murfee law dog


so last night was super wack tho i did sleep and that is gud

listen to this ... i had this horrible nightmare, as opposed to a lovely one.  i was in this tiny apartment (sic) but it werent mine.  it dint look like mine.  it was not as nice.  and i heaerd this pounding on the door.  like the popo or a robber.!!!!  and i was in the dream for awhile before i woke up.  it was twicet i heard these super loud pounds which were 20 in  row!!!

when i woke up i relzied i had been playing Left Eye rock a bye baby and maybe it distrubed my neighbors?  naw prolly being para but.  it gets quiet at night and the doll is loud

well.  at any rate i was so skeer i got up and looekd around and i locked the sliding door and the window.  check the front.  and nothing.  nobody out there.

then later i was like "DOG!"  when you got pick up 5150 ( know huh)  funi huh not!  ... the popo pound on the door like that!!!

OOOOOH Meegy reminisce your yets baby doll!

it was bad

well to put a positive um ... spin on it in the morning i wake up and feel this GRIP next to me in bed!!! YA!  i was like DAIM im so excited who in bed with me whats it gonna be little chickka???

awww.  shoot.  i look at it and its a flashlight!   i put it in the bed last night after nightmare.  AW MAN!

it was so hard and eminently grippable and just OH baby and like OOH yes and just the RIGHT size

oh well a girl can dreem ....

spit, man

them Lakuhs!   what they doing out there, taking out the trash!   lazy!   sloppy!  dropping spit giving the ball right to the other team!  do they even HAVE a coach!


stupid lakes

they shoudl call themselves the puddles

oh well at least they better than the freakin WARRIORS!

warriors my azz.  posseez

um hi

so lessee

maybe that was it.  maybe that all i got to tell you .... hm ... was it?

i gots to get ready soon anyway

i still need to start looking for job.  i think if it turns out i can keep going to IOP i will look for job.  if not maybe move

not sure

and um

my "sponsor'  lets admit it Sheryl is kind of sponsoroing me and so far its working better n peanut butter and jelly she is great ... she told me i should go.  she said take what the lady told you from Member Service

you know but i know the law the law dog

but.  just one day or two.  ill go

you know Lit had two favit outfits of mine besides the yellow thong which i have lost since but one was the outfit i wore in the pic on here when i was happy.  its like a velour mulberry running suit.  and the other was these tight black slacks i mean they are hot.  they are a fancy brand and they cut reals nice they look pretty dope on me.  i wore them yesterday just cuz they fit me now

so i saw this cute guy i know he's in rehab he is like a heroin guy only he is young like 30 and white and he is sort of not my type like he look a little clean cut ( i know a H boy too) and when i was in the llelvator he held it and i say thank you and he say "Noooo problem"  but i am NOT THERE For the boys!

besides he white

and he got issues

and he thinks hes all that

hes not

anyway he's too young

so um

today we can choose Triggers or Family Systems in the morning.  then Motivation or Walk  and then lunch.  and then Drug and Brain Depression Mgt or Addiction and Health Pro Care.  in between or i mean during meet with your T and mine is call Jenny and she is very cold and unsympathetic so if i have to stop going i wont miss her

got to shower

i know, huh!  thats why the Board of Helf was pounding on your door last night Meegpaw!

very funny ha ha so funi i forgot to laff

bang bang!  on the door baby

knock a little louder

ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh baby

hope u all is good




Oct 29, 2014 - 0 comments

I miss him.  I hate sleeping alone.   And I miss him.

I totally fukked up my right arm and my left hand