All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

pajamas

Apr 11, 2014 - 2 comments

medhelp, do you think it is ok to take out the trash in my pajamas?

yeh ok im wearing my red plaid flanne pj bottoms they look cute and I light green top its long sleeve cotton I know it don't match.  I got home really late from hiking and I was wet and sweaty tmi I know and I just change, eat a tofu salad yum the bomb and I dint do any housework today so the trash is fugly

and the trash cans in the parking lot which is down the hall downstair and

well its kind of a long way

what do you think?

when I lived in my house I could just go out on the driveway I could wear anything I wanted so dammit I want to do that now

I know.  this is what this website is for.  to advise meegy if she can take out the trash in her pajamas.

ima try it.  who could it hurt?  besides, people go to seven allevin in pajamas all the time.  and I bet they aint as cute as me.

ok.  ty medhelp

ill be back

love,

Meegy

wore

Apr 10, 2014 - 2 comments

idk.  I pushed myself really hard today .... I am tired and feeling a little migrainey.  I just took a imitrex.  I never know when you are posed to take it cuz they say the best time is before onset or right when you notice it but they also say Don't Take It if you don't need it so

im not sure.

but, in the past, with pills I always said ... if you don't know, take it!

jk ... little joke

nn the bears are all piled on the bed with me.  actually they are sort of getting in the way, but I moved them gently because they have faithfully kept me company for the 365 nights of this past year.  oh my!  I have been in this apartment for one year as of ... yesterday, I believe.  well that's a fine how dee do

work was a short day cuz Afternoon Session is only Monday Tues and Wednesday ... how I never knew this in the past im not sure.  some things, very few but some, have changed at the old skule since I left.  seems that Chula and Louis HOG all the white board markers.  I am considering buying some this weekend or I guess stealing them (back) from their rooms ... also they seem to have misplaced, lost, or ceded all the teacher's guides to the downtown skule.  this is ridic.  I cannot teach without a teachers guide.  well, I can but it is crazy.

since I have been working again, meaning writing, I have been trying to read more, mostly poetry but now I realize I need to read fiction too, to inform and inspire my work ...I know I will not keep getting language or an acuity of language or variety or color or depth or flow or rhythm if I do not read more.  today I read Jane Miller, whom I love, and I read Li Young Lee, who is brilliant but daunting.   I read a long sort of funny poem by Galway Kinnell about living alone.  huh?  ya.  I realized how much I wanted my Annie Sexton back and that is packed in the some 40 boxes of books still in my studio waiting to go into storage.  my apartment is so small I have very limited book space and idk how I will effect the move of more books and what books and how I find the books out of the boxes again ... these worries crowd my dreams and nights.  for so many years I lived in the luxury of my studio with all at my fingertips.  now I cannot even find a hole puncher.  I dont' feel sorry for me.  ok I do.  im sorry Milla.  but.  I don't know how to get it all back or to take it wherever im going.  I fret over this a lot.  I want my books back.

when I got home from work I straight worked out.  I did the jogging dvd man that one kicks my azz!  it really does.  I was so struggling and I just was hating myself and life.  but I did it dammit.  no weights today its the off day.  then I wrote for a hour, it went poorly I felt.  I did not read it back.  I should fix that into my work that I have to read it back.  jeez its like punishment, which normally I like but I guess it has to be meted out by someone else, preferably well necessarily a guy.  omg shut up Meegy ok

I am eating soup cuz it is soothing but it is making me hot.  ooh baby

please read my story.

uhhhhhh what else

then after writing I went hiking my home hike.  it was SO freakin beautiful!  I went at like 430 or so and the light was splendid.  amazing.  I did it pretty fast but I was tired, so sort of feeling it but im good at this hike.  there were four guys riding like those little motorbikes what are they called.    I am sure this is not copa on the trail ... they almost mowed me down too but most of the guys were nice and said they were sorry as they passed me cuz I stepped up on the side of the trail.  I have never seen that on this path before.  its sort of a family path I mean not family but a lot of runners, joggers and stuff and its narrow too

but it was real coolio I had a really good time.  I stopped a lot to look around and I also prayed well I don't pray but I said stuff for people like my uncle and milla and it is just godhead stuff like I don't pray to god and I just say things.  and I looked at how gorgeous it was with the light and the views of the mountains and the valley.  I did think a little about raf and ransom but only a little

I have been thinking since I saw the ac that night about the settlement, and since I have been having more success and fulfillment in my real writing, that maybe I just don't need him no more.  I think I don't need that guy.  he has really denigrated me and made me feel like spit, like nothing. I  don't need that.  I don't need someone who don't see me for me and value me ... someone who spending their few brain cells left Pondering if they want me.  fukk that spit man!  he can have P. Diddy.  I don't care.  that is what I call the chick he was seeing.  or is idk.  it don't really matter.  its sad.  and im sure at times I will feel extra bad about it and want him back and go oh papi.  but whatever.  I maybe am growing out of that, I don't need that guy, I don't need him no more.  and maybe I don't need those others too.  I love Lit I really do.  and I know he don't mean no harm.  but he just don't know.

today before the hike my phone buzzed on the intercom from downstairs.  its odd I don't know many ppl who know I moved and the ony ppl who know my last name and that I moved is Lit, Cope and the ac.  it could have been any of them but for some reason in my heart I thought it was Lit.  cuz I told him that I don't want to see him no more the other day and I know he is sad and he said he will be very sad aww.  but he don't really unnerstan and that is not my prollem.  I have been trying to tell him for over a Year that its not good for me no more.  I realy do love him. he is a good boy.  so I thought well why wouldn't he call me on the celly.  maybe it was just some fool hitting any button on the com.  but I thought it was him.  I just had this feeling it was him.

when I was hiking I noticed some of the spring blooms and I thought of Joshua Tree, how this is the best month for it!  I thought I could go tomorrow.  but I am ded broke and would I just drive out and come back the same day?  and I feel worn out.  idk.  I really want to be in the Tree but idk

I feel spent tonight.  its early ... seanpenn has been blowing up my text and I have yet to tell him sayonara.  he is sort of scummy to me now though I still think he's a excellent therapist if he could just keep it in his pants.  w/e I am too broke for T now anyway and my old T is helping me sometimes

I wanted to create this space for tonite, research places to move out of state before I eat it in the next quake, and read, and listen to KCRW ... I am doing the latter two but I am so wet towelly I really want to sleep.  even my arms hurt.  my upper arms.   I have had the desire to break stuff a  lot lately and punch in the door cuz it seems flimsy but I have refrained since the last time I really hurt my whole arm and hand and k said to not hurt myself

but it still socks that the ac socks so much and sort of like, abandoned me.  oh well

sigh

I thanked the godhead several times on my hike for many things that I am grateful for

I am sad that my folks have to disparage my uncle so much

he is dead.

sorry.  I don't mean to be a downer

wow I have to admit this music is really dope

I miss Leila and Charles.  like, a lot

and I miss raf.  not for the person he is.  for the sex he is.

um!

was.

I shan't fraternize with him again

I ax Suni to share his mouth sound effects with the rest of the group today cuz we all got together after the break.  they were surprised especially Chula whose musical tastes range from World to World.  ha ha  sorry she is still tha bomb ... in an alternative universe  sike!  oops jk ... one with rr actually having feelings .. OMG sorry dint mean that either

oops angry much Meegy?

NO

Suni was eating a sandwich from subway ... before we left for the day I ax him 'did you finish it?'  his English is still limited ... I repeat it.  he says. 'yes.'  I said.  'no, did you finish it?"  he said 'enough.  I ate enough.'  I said you should finish it.  ohhh poor Suni I wish I could be his U.S. mom.  he is moving homestays this weekend thank god.  I made sure he had at least one fone number from someone in skule, Hedi who is Japanese too gave him her no.  Hedi can always contact me or Chu if he need something. Chu tell me he have the number of the Homestay Company but I think that is rot.  they set him up with that other ho in the first place right?  they're a company.  he needs one of us he is 15.  but I thought maybe its better for Hedi to give him her number and call one of us.

my lawyer called I will call tomorry, it was a message.  I don't want to call her.  I just want it all to be over and I do want what I should fairly get but at this point I am willing to give it all up and walk away with nothing ... I am so sick of it all.  I hate this whole money thing and I hate lawyers and I am not too into the ac.  worst that can happen is I get no more alimony and have to move and live on the street. plenty of other ppl do it

so ya ima just chillax and read a little and maybe catch some zz's

I will get at you later medhelp!

don't forget!

Meegy loves you!

goodnight

love,

Meegy





milla

Apr 09, 2014 - 0 comments

medhelp I just want to say I was reading milla's journals again, and after the third one I started to cry.  I feel so guilty for everything I ever complain about after I read her stuff.  I mean.  she talks about all the treatment and things she had to go through ... and she was so brave and hopeful about everything!  even god and miracles.  she was talking about how she was either going to live or die ... she felt she would die of this ... and she said how nobody around her would talk to her about it, or hardly anyone, she said how everyone made her feel like her feelings weren't validated ... but she persevered ... you know?   she just kept freakin going.  she walked out of the hospital with a high fever bc she wanted to be in her own bed.  she tried ALL kinds of risky clinical trials.  then on her birthday her friend came and she was at her apartment and she had such a good time!  and she appreciated even the smallest things!  I mean really, besides Buddhist thought, and the godhead for each of us, and kurty, well, I really think milla is like god.  she is like god!  really she is!  I miss Milla so so so so much.  I still think of her almost every day.  and when I think about how I think of sui, well I feel so guilty and crazy and bad when I think about milla and read her stuff

I love you milla, I miss you so much.

Meegy

excitofear

Apr 09, 2014 - 2 comments

jim carroll wrote a book called "Forced Entries."  its the sequel to Basketball Diaries, to date one of my all time favorite books.  I say that because of the 'new entry' prompt it made me think of sex, then of Jim Carroll.  then of sex lol

one track mind I guess

ummmmmmmmmmmmm

today was a good day.  not banner, but I cant complain.  well, I can ... but .... ill try to keep it on the down low

work was aite.  I am really sick of La Chula, I mean I still love her but ... and I am happy I gave her Khalid and Suni, though I still miss Suni and actually feel love for him ... in a ... in a ... oh, spit man a motherly way!  god, I said it!  get off me

today Suni told Hedi, in Japanese, that his homestay lady called him a azzhole yesterday .   !!!!!  because he had the temerity to ax her to use the vacuum to get the fleas off his carpet and bed.  !!!! ya, can you believe that smarty pants Suni?  omg what a rude boy!  NOT ... I mean !!!!!   when Hedi told me that, after I ax her 3x  ...'the lady called SUNI that?"   I wanted to drive over there and smack her in the face.  im sure I could handle her.  she's like ten years older than me and I work out man!  im tough!  stupid bich.  calling MY Suni a azzhole!!!!  

he is going to try and find a new homestay.  also his ride comes SO late, its another guy staying at the same house, a Saudi guy he picks Suni up like a hour late every day.  its the homestay duty to pick him up, that's part of why they get paid.  I almost took Suni home today but its kind of far, like it be a hour out of my way but I ALMOST took him ... he looked so forlorn sitting there on the bench.  awww Suni

I cant believe she call sweet little 15 y.o. Suni a azzhole

Hedi and me had a good session.  I taught her idioms and reviewed articles and personal pronouns with her, she really knows a lot more than she thinks.  its just she is 53 so she has a thick accent.  also her hub tears her down.  he works overseas and travels a lot.  he just set her up here with her son so he can get a American education but the hub don't live with them, he just call them and berate them and visit them once a month.  he is coming tomorry and Hedi having a big ol fit.  she don't want him to come.  she really has a lot of fun without him, not that way, she's good, just does not get along with him.  he seems like a real b*stard.  not just saying that

Chula is so busy doing good for everyone else she cant take care of herself whatever man anyway she goes to the freakin liberry every freakin day she owe them 90 dollars not kidding cuz she lost some audio book jeezus.  she got me an Hedi this idioms book with Japanese translations Hedi is all "OHHHHH this is great"  and like I am so sick of Chula's do gooding I mean we get paid $3.35 an hour!!!!!  I made that when I was 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   sick.  Chula sick girl.  but whatever

the other day I was trying to get Chula to tell me how my boss set up the email account on our computer .. Chula was not that sure.  so I walked her thru it and she found me the icon for the email .   I ax her does it have a password?  or can you just go in thru the desktop?  Chula dk.  so Chula remembers OH!  I have the password.  she run to her classroom and bring back this PILE of little tiny itty bitty pieces of paper.  its this zippered pouch full of papers with little scratches on them.  I am like 'Chula ... what IS that.  is that your wallet?"  she is like 'its a pencil case!'  she is SUCH a nerd.  I am like, laughing ... "do you actually FIND spit in there?"  she fishes out this little paper.  HERE IT IS!  the password!!!  I am like unrils

but Hedi and I used the book.  I don't care man

I can come up with my OWN freakin curriculum, dammit!  but w/e

Hoshiro was really a trial.  we did listening ... he was falling asleep.  Louis said he's been doing this alls day.  he did this before.  I ax him "are you tired?'  he says 'im ok im ok'  I know something is going on.  I think he is nervous about going back to Japan in two months cuz he is not fluent after three years and his folks expect him to be .... I ax Hosh questions about this listening activity he cannot get even the basic ones.  I even tease him a little which I never do and he gets upset and embarrassed.  sorry.  oops.  then I joke with him about his eight girlfriends, he likes all these 19 year old girls he will never ever ask out  ... I know all their names.  we have jokes about them just innocent funny jokes.  I think H is a virgin.  he's like 33

then at the end Louis asked me to review with Hoshiro for a quiz they are having tomorry.  I did and then I woke up cuz I had something to teach !  but for H it was SO hard.  I kept trying different things.  one of the concepts he finally got , it was simple like using the prepositions about with and of ... the other was modals of possibility and that got him for a loop he was so lost.  could, would should might etc

um.  

after skule I was real real depress.  I was actually thinking about kurty and co and suicide, not about doing it but I was thinking about it as a concept.  I was just like ... idk.  lifeless and like 'I have no reason to go home' etc  that kind of thing

but.  I did a recording in the car, that was ok.

when I got home I just powered right into my workout, kickboxing and weights.  that felt real good cuz when I got home I was about to break a lot of things and I remember k told me meegy just don't hurt yourself. and so I stopped and just got dressed to work out  it got out a LOT Of energy I was way ahead of the dvd just doing a lot more and mid way I was spent and then just normal did the rest with them

the weights was real good. I  increased my reps for each one and I felt good doing it though the last 3 are hard and the triceps is a bich

after that I changed and sat my azz down to write. I worked.  at the table. which is where I work the kitchen table.  I think it socked, the story I wrote but I made myself stay for a hour.  then I just did a little bit of back up the j's

and after that I read my email.  it said meegy when are you going to put up that story.  I was like goddammit man why cant I get this subject over with why ppl keep after me about this spit!

so I sat down and did another edit of the Rafi story and I think it is done

after I edit the story I realize how exhaust I am

and then after ten or so minutes resting I got up and danced to weezer in the garage

and like I felt SO FREAKIN GOOD after I sat with the story and thought about posting it up even if it fail I am like SO EXCITED and for like a few minutes I felt REALS GOOD like MYSELF and like I CAN BE OK WITHOUT THE AC I AM OMNIPOTENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then the feeling went away

but it lasteded for like ten or twenty and I was so stoked and I actually felt scared I was so excited I was like adrenaline overdraft it was like an excess of fear and excitement and good feeling and like myself like I felt when I was like fifteen and in school in university and in grad school and
WOW MEEGY you should be writing and FINISHING STORIES and sending them OUT!

omg

I am so scared of doing all of this

when I don't do it I am not alive

when I do do it I am terrified

I love you medhelp

and ty k

love,

Meegy