All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

dollar aisle

Mar 15, 2015 - 5 comments

i dont want to read any of the many books i have waiting for me, even though they are all good.

i don't want to do nothing except be with Ryan

i know.

i know.

i know ok!!!!!

i showered (thank God, Meegy!)  and i am still sore, with headache ... took more ibu ... my liver actually Fell Out but i picked it up and put it back in ... um, don't ask

thats gross huh.  sorry


no more gross than any tv show on any channel today

right?

i know right?


um



im eating my fave food ... besides cookies ... popcorn


cookies and popcorn!  diet of champions



most food just dont taste that good. i mean, the food i make


for myself, that is.  i cooked good stuff for the ac.  really!


i mean the things i take some time with come out good like the eggs stuff



um.  but meat, i just dump in water and boil (chicken) or broil (hambahger)

and i know How to cook it right im just too floja



its kind of hot

not as hot as YT

(yours trulee)



uh  hm um



im actually eating the kernels right now

i said the kernels!!! not the Colonel!  jeez mh!!!! you so nasty


the guy Manson invited me out and gave me a bunch of day and time possibilities ... i don't think he listed any places to choose from (he wants to go to lunk or dinner this should be fun for me).  i guess i should tell him that it dont matter where we go as i will eat nothing  in total


idk he's a weirdo


like really



he has a house.  he travels a lot.  he is from Boston (years ago) but loves Cali.  immediately suspect



oh and he have a Batch not a masters and johnson so ... forget it man he aint smarter.  i mean, not forget him just i thought he was smarter  boo


i have a little money leftover from tha rent so i went to the drugstore and got popcorn, cookies, paper towel and Kleenex.  oh and salon paws.  i got four dollars back!!!!  on the little savings gimmick.  hey its better than  a kik in the azz


i got hung up in the dollar aisle.  i was convinced there was SOMETHING there i needed!  there wasnt.  it was fun though.  they had some really wack spit, like this little tiny plastic cutting boards ... mesh bags ... and little paper puppets ... i know right


so.  i miss Ryan

and the ac

and Ryan

and the ac

and 16

and Ryan


i like Ryan

a lot.


he rocks





love,

Meegy

ps ty i love all the communikayshun today but also you know what am i good at that the ac aint.  he's a really good teacher.  just sayin.  but it was nice and it made me smile

mp

nancy

Nov 07, 2014 - 2 comments

im in bed!  im finally in bed.  I have kcrw on, the air condit though its cold out ... I know ... im 45 ... and perhaps detoxing, prlly through that idk, or not, benzos take a long time right .... I have a tv dinner, I think its Salisbury steak im not sure I really don't dig this meat especially this fake azz awful stuff but I don't even care at this point and the supermarket stopped carrying my top pix.  I have the bears here ... and lions ... tigers ... I went to the market, so I have KLEENEX!!!!

yay

what should I tell you first.  maybe ill save the good part of the day for last.

after IOP, which was ok, escept the one event which was Awesome (no!  it did not involve Robby!  ok it did)  I decided to hit the supermarket.  I really needed to go though I was worn out already tired hot cold and all that

but I whipped through the aisles throwing stuff in the cart at top speed.  I was exhausted its the cheap market and you have to bag your own groceries and also guess how many bags you need to buy no I am NOT green sue me
I promise I ll start recycling again even juicing after I get over this divorce lol


um

ya


so I am driving up to my bldg. and I try to turn into the driveway to go back to the parking lot behind the bldg. but I cannot pull in because theres a fire truck and a ambulance or whatnot there from LAFD

right away I just thought 'Omg Nancy is dead"  I swear that's what I thought.  I was in the red in their way so the guy had to stop traffic so I could pull out and go around the block and I parked in the front pakring lot.  I had a trunk full of groceries and my drivers side window is broke so it don't roll up its automatic but not no more you cant get it to go up unless you babysit it for five minutes but I just left the car open, grabbed my purse and ran into the bldg.

Nance lives on the first floor.  I am praying "god please don't let it be nancy's apartment"

but it was. t he paramedics were surrounding her door like five of them.  they were yelling in there "mam please open the door"

I heard all fo this and saw them and I got a little hysterical  and started crying then I pulled it together and tried to go up near the door but they said stay back

then one minutes later this lady Hope Diamond from NA showed up and lm like 'HD!  " and she said "hey Meegan"  and she hugged me

then the guys were yelling please open the door .. but there was nothing and I was too far away to hear but I guess nancy was fine and yelling at them but she wouldn't open the door.  I just thought maybe she was out or dead.

they ax me to call the manager and I did.  he didn't have a extra key cuz nance got all fukked up and totally out of her mind on crack and locked herself out of her apartment earlier today

so they are like 'weer going to kick in the door"

the guy turned around and kicked it in like standing from a backwards way he kicked backwards it was real loud like BOOM!

and then I heard Nance and I was like THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU GOD

and I couldn't get close.  I just heard her yelling at the,m.    ya it was a total reliving of my nightmare they were trying to 5150 her

and she was yelling at them!  get away from me you mutherfukkers don't touch me I aint going nowhere!

etc

then HD got close and after like ten minutes of yelling they were like 'ok mam sign this paper' and Nance signed it and they left and the paramedics loked sympthatetcialy at me and HD and oen of them winked at me

then I went in

nance was wasted out mh.  she is like 90 pounds anway shes a aktris but she is like 30 pounds.  she could not stand up straight.  she was wasted out of her mind on crack and vodka and whatever.  she was in a robe which kept falling open.  she looked horrible.  her face looked horrible.  she could barely walk.

we got her into bed.  after a while of just calming her down and she was so irrational mh but still every few minutes spitting out a sentence that was lucid, she was screaming about getting out of bed to get the vodka bottle I am like 'get the fukk in bed babe I will bring you the fukking vodka tell me where it is;

like that

it was awful.  we called Jay her fiancĂ© .  he's in a sober living.  it took him a good hour to get there.  we were baby
sitting Nance.  it was horrific.  I wont go into detail but she smoked crack in front of us.  I never want to use again.  ever.  never.  ever.

I think she went into the bathroom to shoot up because later she insisted on getting up anyway

it was forever mh for ever and ever while I had every anxiety attack and freak out in the book.  I was already exhausted.  I love Nance.  it was so painful.  so painful to watch.  and the beginning  with the paramedics I got to relive what just happened to me 3 weeks ago

until Jay finally arrived.  I will tell you mh when he got there ... he was so done.  he didn't even seem concerned.  he darted into the bathroom to pee ... by this time my semi sponsor tambam had come because HD had to leave and did not want me to be alone with Nance.  even tho there was us 3 girls there and Nance jay did not even close the bathroom door he just whipped it out and started to pee.  very sort of weird I think huh

but I aint look.  honest I did not I was sort of like gah.  really?  and Nance was a little ticked.

finally after what seemed like an eternity mh we got to leave.  I was so upset at seeing Nance that way and so worried for her and scared for her and at the same time thinking ' I just want to stay clean I just want to stay clean' and 'I have to get out of here'

I am not going back.

tambam came upstairs to my apartment for the first tiem.  she liked it.  I was exhuatsed and she helped me bring up the groceries.  she was like wow cash in on the Kleenex meegy im like ya I know   and she shoved all the tv dinners into the freezer they barely fit


then I followed Tambam back to her house and she gave me this like watery chicken soup she made which I think was thinner than the stuff they gave out at the concentration camps

but I crashed on the couch in the bedroom she was going to rent me which I think this girl Nia is going to take idk if that's good or not.  I talked to tambams special needs 20 yo son he was so into talking to anyone and he is a sweet doll and I see why she is so attentive to him but I feel bad for both of them


then tambam took me to a meeting.  NA.  I have not been to that meeting in a long time.  I don't like it.  a lot of the people rub me the rong way what else is new right but really you would say so too and so the whole time I am like L and T ty so much for writing me on the kurt j cuz that saved me during that meeting I am like Meegy L and T are with you

the meeting is late til 9.  Nora was there.  she is about to pop that kid inside her is due nov 29.  she could not shut up she was really nice and she was really sweet to me and said "Meegy you are too smart and amazing to keep doing this to yourself.  call me'  and we did talk for quite a while ... I do like her

I talked to this young guy who came up to me his name is Torn and ive seen him at a lot of meetings he was talking to Nora and us and hes a good kid and he was romanticizing shrooms wich I told him he was doing and I said those things made me throw up

hes a good kid though and verycute tho white.

not my type

and too young.  too young for me!  ya'


then finally we left and Tambam exploded in the car when we got to her house that she was upset and she was going thru a hard time and SHE wanted to use!  she is definitely not sponsor material.  I comforted her and told her she better not use

she did tell me as I left that if I decided to attempt suicide again I better call her first and I sed "yup'

she had not known about it cuz the chick I called did not tell her.  ya!

------

i was just so tore up about the whole thing medhelp.  i swear to god i am like still hyperventilating.

but i know i said this last night and i couldn't help it cuz i drove in and saw the ambulance and i just ran to her apartment but i will not get involved again.  i swear.  i wont  i cant.


and i was like Meegy this is what you did to mh and everyone three weeks ago

ya

so like

a truly sobering experience.


i don't ever want to use again

i don't ever ever ever want to use again.



you know what im going to post this and write a new entry after cuz my computer is going nuts

love you

Meegy














kurt

Nov 06, 2014 - 5 comments

I was thinking about how kurt like, got at the audience he was getting at at a particular time in which it was receptive to him.  I mean, I think for kurty it would have been that way at ANY time.  but you know the what do you call it zeitgeist of the time was somehow a 'breeding' ground if you will ha ha ha for his particular amazing warped version of reality

I love kurt

sloppy lips to lips
your my vitamins
I like you


hmmm

today is a good day for me.  I am still tierd, you cant make up a decade of sleep overnite, but in general I feel better.  group is ok.  its led by Rudi, today, a chick.  she ignores me.  I have learned a lot about myself and substance abuse in t his program and for that reason I am so digging it.  its educational and it addresses emotional issues.  for me there is obviously a lot about group dynamics and my voice.  it is so EASY for me to drop into the world of writing and my own head.  I cede the floor like that.  in a snap.  and I see the reason is that my moms was like, silencing me in so many ways. particularly in expressing anger.  so as a strong person I was like 'Oh ok.  I cant talk about this or that feeling?  then I will say nothing.  I will show you how long I can be silent!"

and I try to make my silence speak louder than words.

but it doesn't work that way.  it is the noisemakers of the world that get herd in everyday life.  and that has presented a lot of problems for me that what could easily  solve?

using


very good Meegy.  using 101


sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


Robby is So Hot omg.  I know ... this is not why im here ... btw im home for lunk

(i alredy 8)

at break, up until which time I think I had uttered zero syllables, I walked out into the hot day and saw the rest of the group, about five people, smoking and talking.  I looked over at them diffidently.  I could see them watching me like Come on Meegan.  and in that split second I was like :  you have to force yourself to make contact or you will leave angry and hurt

so I did.  I walked over there.  as if I dint care and had no issues about it whatsoever.  I don't need you fukkers

Robby was all over me, not cuz he likes me he realizes im a OLD lady lol , he wants me to succeed he is so very sweet he is like 'HELLO!"

im like hi

shuffle, look down

ohhhh Meegy

but I was doin it

and I talk to Cherry!  omg she is that young girl that all the guys dig.  she is mix race like white and Asian ya

and I go 'what is your shirt about tell me'

cuz she got Bob Plant shirt on!  and its dope

it have a new band like the space ship shifters or something

she go "I saw them at the forum'  and a convo ensued and she is like 'I can email you pix' and I am like YA

so that turned out allls good

and I went into the next session better

but Rudi still ignore me and I was like 'OK  *** you'  I wont say a word cuz she just SKIP me everyone notice it too!

and I aint.  I aint said one goddam thing

stupid Rudi

stupid meegy!


oh well

I am trying my berry bess


I wll check you laters

lovelove

Meegy



pia/job

Nov 06, 2014 - 2 comments


Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip
Mum mum mum mum mum mum
Get a job
Sha na na na - sha na na na na

Every morning about this time
She gets me out of my bed a-crying
Get a job

After breakfast every day
She throws the want ads right my way
And never fails to say
Get a job

Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip
Mum mum mum mum mum mum
Get a job
Sha na na na - sha na na na na

And when I get the paper
I read it through and through
And my girl never fails to say
If there is any work for me

And when I go back to the house
I hear the woman's mouth
Preaching and a-crying
Tell me that I'm lying
About a job
That I never could find

Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Sha na na na - sha na na na na
Dip dip dip dip dip dip dip dip
Mum mum mum mum mum mum
Get a job
Sha na na na - sha na na na na


--the silhouettes



Meegy:  Clint?
Clint:  Ya baby?
Meegy:  Um, what are we doing today?
Clint:  (laughs)
Meegy:   i mean, after that
Clint:  whatever you want, baby
Meegy:  um ... can we ... go to Leo Carillo and hike Nicholas Flat and then watch all the surfers get stoned and surf until the sun goes down?
Clint (looking up from newspaper):  as long as you're not doing any of the getting stoned part baby
Meegy:  DUH
Clint:    ::raising eyebrows::
Meegy:  sorry
Clint:  ::sigh::
Meegy: Clint?
Clint:  yeah baby?
Meegy:  did you know that taking Clonopin will extend your recovery time?
Clint:  ::sigh::  Meegy?
Meegy:    wha ...
Clint:  come here, baby




i bet Clint could handle that hike becuz he's a movie star and he's in great shape!  he could HANDLE it, baby!  OH yeah!  

Meegy Clint is like 700 years old.

He is not!

Have you actually WATCHED any of his movies lately?

You mean like, Play Misty for Me?


::sigh::


hey shut up, i am NOT misty!  jeez!  he'd be stalking ME!

keep telling yourself that Meegy






ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm



I SLEPT!

I SLEPT!

I SLEPT!!!!!!!



no.  no you don't get it.  i aint talkin bout the kind of sleep you are like wow i don't even feel like i closed my eyes or

whatever i mean not that

i mean SLEEP!


actual SLEEP!


i woke up and i was like ... Whoa ... dude, .... where was I?  wheres my car?

i dreamed.  i dreamed that i went to this job innerview int he Santa Susana pass and it was an intervention and while they were doing the intervention there was a huge earthquake and this gigantic boulder rolled into bldg.

all my fears wrapped into one


oh my


but i slept and when i woke up i was like THANK YOU GOD

that's what i said

then i thought "i am SO grateful i am not downstairs shooting H"

and then i was like .... ok maybe like ONE iota would be into it

but naw NAWWWWWW

fukk that spit man!


YA!!!!


omg



i cant wait to go to IOP.  what will i wear?  hmmmmmm.     will i take a thousand pix of myself and try to pose?  will i post yet ANOTHER pic of myself by my bed in front of the closet mirrors on mh?

what should i do about my computer and Punky?  god.  stupid Punky.  did i tell you i was having a debate with him called Samsung vs Sony and i was like "Look Punky.  my dad told me NEVER to buy Samsung and unless i needed my fone feeling so fly like a g6  i would not have bought it.  in the era of Technics remember that Punky and all that stereo equipment do you remember how BAD Samsung products were considered then?"

he was like "but Samsung took over now"

i said "George Bush took over whiel back too"

he was like ::        ::


did i alrady tell you that story.

i hate Punky


stupid Punky



so, does anyone want to talk about the fukking Republicans?  omg I am SO sorry Clint ::demurely::  i didn't mean it.  really


i don't want to talk about them.  i really don't



part of what i have learned in this recovery is just how dirty and messy your house can get and how the world will not end.  this is pretty fukkin great.  its a mess!!!  and it just keeps getting worse!  lol    lovin it



um  what else


lets see ... ah ......


gosh idk.  i think my brain is sort of trying to mimic the normal whatever that maybe functioning of a hb

NO not a hp a hb!  i still prefer us to computers man

although i must say i DO like your hard drive


ha ha ha

get it?

hard drive?



good morning medhelp

ty for helping me


ty for asking me if i was hi even though i was not and i got mad.  im sorry.  i love you and i wore my Coat the other day cuz it was cold and i thot of yoo


ty for suffering me

and i mean suffering

i am sorry

i know i am one of the world's most gigantic pains in the azz

and im not proud of it

but im working on it

i am not working on not being a pain in the azz

i am working on being a smaller, much much smaller pain in the azz


and that is my motto for today!

love

Meegy