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50 minutes - 0 comments

Hey man, oh leave me alone you know
Hey man, oh Henry, get off the phone, I gotta
Hey man, I gotta straighten my face
This mellow thighed chick just put my spine out of place

--suffragette city . bowie

OMG!  all these years i have thought he was saying "the smell of that chick just put my spine out of place"
oh well.  close

i was listening to Changesone (or two i cant remember) just now and i decided to goog the lyrics, then i got a vid of Die-vid so i watched it


David Bowie was dead on it (so to speak) :  the transgender pulse WAY before anyone even HEARD of it!

he is so cool.  and so smart

AND< as i always tell Ellen in Group, David Bowie remains 'the only successful heroin addict'

well, actually i don't always say it i said it once and Ellen nearly threw me out of Group for it

ha ha ha

HA HA!!!!  successful heroin addict HA HA HA!

shut up, Meegy


'they call them the diamond dogs'

Um.  the vid is like from 1972 and he is SO DAIM THIN and he is dressed in what can only be described as a onesie ... but a sort of crimson paisley onesie that came down just past his butt cheeks and in front sat way up on his thighs.  He had his hair in the bouffant that he wore during that time (i think he was Ziggy Stardust then) , make up ... and, astonishingly (YES, rr!!!!)  he was ACTING like a man but DRESSED as a woman and SINGING about banging a chick in some of the sexiest ways i have EVER heard a man sing

OH     MY    God

David Bowie

can i say OH MY GOD????

you just did Meegy.  multiple times


my god!

yes, i am engaged in one of my favit pastimes of chewing and eating unpopped popcorn kernels

that's good for your teeth Meegy

shut up man!  i know!

at least i still got all my hearing and my sight



this little boy in the Sped class at skule thinks lol is pronounced "Loll" and he says it to punctuate his sentences all the time.  its super funny


today was ok.  i reluctantly approached Tom in the a.m. and ax do i have to go back to elementary school?

he said "i don't know have you been a good girl or a bad girl?"


oh yeah.  just a lil joke


he aint said that

too bad, Eugene!

shut up!

he said please

i said ok

he tried to pump me up (hey don't be nasty mh its NOT that way) by telling me that the principal appreciates me SO MUCH now and SO MUCH MORE than before when she dint know me as well and i was just like ... Tom ... SUKK ME!  b/c i don't CARE if the admin likes me ... in fact i would rather they HATE me!  i am an artist and NOT a sandwich artist!  i am a education artist and a writer i am FULL ON ANTIDisestablishmentarianism (i was tired of all capping)  and i am NOT a Calvinist and my work ethic is limited ie  i work hard on things i find MEANINGFUL



are you ok?

yeah  yeah im ok  :;standing up, brushing myself off::  jeez daim

i really could give a fukk if the principal likes me or not

yeah we get it Meegy

oh.  just making sure


so i did a FABULOUS job again with the elem kids

i even had a nice talk with Muriel at lunch ( i know!) and she said that Tom wanted me in the elem skule "because you're good at it"  and gee dam if i dint nearly fall over and drool all over myself becuz i was SO happy and gratified to get that compliment from MURIEL

i know huh?

like getting my Moms' approval

daim!  have i made NO progess in therapy????

very little Meegpaw

i said shut up!!!!!  lima bean head!
(i just made that up)

she said head

ya so

Nance is beggin for more of my recordings

the skule start to Recognize the awesome blossom they have in lil quiet Meegy

I am small but mighty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  and if you cross me i will KICK YOUR A!!!!!!

ok don't get carried away Meegy


Muriel subbed for me in my Art Academy which is Fridays cuz she only does reading with one student at a time during academy days and Raul dint show up.  Muriel said that my kids worked SO well (these are my five high school girls i have in my art class i am informally teaching)   and she said they were so INTO being in Art Academy and she was like "What they really wanted was YOU"

i was like HOT DOG!  two bomb compliments in ONE day from Muriel!  guess who's getting some??????

not fair!

don't push it Meegy


i did get that bad feeling when i was driving home from work and i got to my new hoodie like 'EVERYONE in my hood is doing drugs and getting some tonight except ME!"

but then I pulled out the grateful sack and jumped in it again like Meegy, get into gratefulness!


idk mh i might just get that year clean.  we shall c huh?

alls day i saw all my homies in high school and mh even EYE could tell that they alls missed me!  they missed ME!  ol Meegy!  how you like that?

them apples man

and finally to put the icing on this cake of a day, i saw Yakiv and Jessie and Raul horsing around in the hall after school.  this big huge wooden bench was sitting in the middle of the hallway and Yakiv and Jessie were looking sheepish.  

Yakiv goes "how did this get here?"

to this day Yakiv still has not spoken to me, though he gives me a lot of sullen acknowledging glances, and i said "You put it there!"

he looked at me right at me and said "I did not!"  he was smiling.  smiling!

i said "Come on Yakiv i know"

and then Jessie said "what did you do????"  and they started to try and move the thing back into place.

I hadn't seen Raul who was around the corner but he slyly came into sight and i go "YOU DID IT!"

he said 'what i can't move that"

i said  "I see you always doing pull ups on the door frames"  (like jail!)

and he goes "yeah but i'm not that strong"

we were all joking around and laughing, Yakiv dropped the bench on his side and it fell on his foot or leg a little and he was like OW!  and Jessie thought it was funny and then Yakiv did, too

i looked at Jessie and ax him "Hey do you want some records?"

he was like "vinyl?"

I said 'ya i want to give away some of my old records and i thought of you.  do you like records?"

he was like "YEAH!"  like i had said "do you want to freak Rhianna"

and i said "they're just old rock and roll and stuff"

he goes "for free?"

i said "yeah."  and he was like SURE!

i know they are prolly worth some money but i dont want fukkers coming to my house and i just want to get rid of them.  music is second, writing is first and i have like 25 boxes full of stories and writing and paper is HEAVY!  

i really need to still get rid of a LOT of stuff.  i have at least 35 boxes still sitting around in my apartment

i heard Jessie saying "I just got a box of records!"  as i walked away

well i love those kids so much i can't describe it

they are such good kids

im out of energy

i. will.  chek.  you .. laters .  medhelp

i love you dearly



10 months and 3 days CLEAN!  yay ME!!!!

tha latest

23 hours - 2 comments

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

im here!

i thought i'd NEVAH get heah medhelp

whew what a long day

i was so bummed this morning.  i was like "i have nothing to look forward to this day is going to sock i have to work in the elementary class and then after work there is NOTHING NEATO or good happening!"

then i was like Meegy you have to get into gratefulness.  so there was a big sack labeled 'gratefulness' and i picked it up and jumped inside and then i was into gratefulness!!!!!!  yayski!

omg Meegy


um.  but its true i have a lot to be great ful for i know and i remind myself of it when i can

i was so po'd that i had to worked in the elem.  i got to work 20  minutes late in a sheer passive aggressive act but no one even noticed.

then i made sure EVERYONE knew how unhappy i was!!! ha ha

and i grimaced at EVERY SINGLE staff member i came across!  HA!  so there!!!!

Tom told me "I feel so bad"
and i said "not as bad as I feel!!!!"   ::coughing::  loser!

the kids were wild animals.  what upsets me is not really the kids themselves but what they are allowed to get away with.  and i realized today that Tom DID send my email to everyone above him cuz they took ALL my suggestions.

they split the class, but they do not have another teacher ... they stuck the TAs (me and the other guy) with them

and the teacher who is inexperience really does not know how to teach procedures or rules or break them down or even where to start.  he has to start with "Stay in the room."   I can't understand why that would be unclear.  that is the very first thing they need to go over.  

after work i was so freakin stressed out that i decided to go for my home hike.  It was amazing and marvelous.  god it was so great and it was cool outside today so PERFECT weather.  while i was hiking i devised an entire lesson plan on Stay in the Room with a sock puppet i could make since i have no money and i wish i could do the lesson.  but i don't want to make anyone feel bad, like the teacher.

today little Jorge who is SO adorable was drumming on the floor when i came in.  this kid is so good!  he was amazing he is like 8 years old!  he is one of the best behaved kids.  he has this tiny little voice (many of the other kids scream ... seriously i think i have lost another decibel of my hearing in there)  and he comes up to me and goes "can i go on a break?  can you take me on a break?"

i said yeah.  because he is so good.

the best behaved kids in the class never get any attn cuz of the monsters who dominate.  but they are not really monsters but their behavior is monstrous.  i won't even attempt to describe it im too tired

so i took Jorge and he walked in this determined clip across the entire high school yard and said in his tiny voice "can we go in the music room i want to show you how i can drum"

the kid is like John freakin Bonham he is so incredible.  he made me play the bass and he fiddled with the amp (most of this equipment is really tended by Jessie, our resident Kurt Cobain look alike and musician) and he drummed.  a lot of kids came in to watch.  it was funny.  the kid is really good.  he adjusted the high hat and cymbals himself and later played the keyboards and the guitar.  he can't really play those but he is still definitely apt with music

yesterday I gave this boy Alejandro, who is in the middle school but the koo koo one, the gangster ghetto one (we have several facilities on our grounds ... so the kids vary with their issues ), a 8 pack of oreos and a big Hersheys bar with a nice note on my special stationary telling him how kind and honest he is b/c he returned my keys which i lost the other day not sure if i told you this.  and the Behaviorists and the Mohawk IBS Boy TA acted like i had commited a federal offense and said they were going to have to search every kid in the skule.  then Alejandro came up with my keys which he had found and turned in to the front desk.  Alejandro is about 12, he has a big gap or missing front tooth and he is a little bit far away or something but he is sweet.  he's a little off.  but he's neato.

well while Jorge and i were jamming Alejandro came into the music room.  yesterday he had accepted the gift so shyly he was almost hostile, he was afraid of me, but today he was so open and friendly and came in to join us.  he jammed on the drums with us and he was very impressed with Jorge's ability and at one point me and Alej just sat back and watched and listened to Jorge.

then Jessie walked in.  he said "Supposeably you don't like me!"

that was funny.  funny how he said the word wrong and funny that i guess Raul told him that but its not true!  in fact it was not something i could tell him but he is one of my favorites but they all are right

and so i go "No, that's not true!  YOU don't like ME!"

he said "Supposeably!"  and he stood there with his cute blond shoulder length hair and his BOSTON shirt or whatever band and his old jeans and he was just being so sweet and pretty

he said (he had told me this once before)  "I don't like Ms Muriel!"

awww.  but he likes me.  

i said "I like you, Jessie.  I'm just really quiet, and sometimes you are too, so--"

he nodded and then it was AWK ward and he goes "well im just going to grab this acoustic and go outside"

and that was it.  ha ha ha!  very cute

yes he is.  a doll

Yakiv helped me with another boy, Snipes, he was so dear and made Snipes 'pinky promise' to go back to the classroom with me instead of running down the hall.  i was astounded at how the curt, sullen, wordless Yakiv was tender and patient and sweet with Snipes.  later i mouthed "thank you"  to Yakiv and he just nodded sullenly.  he is so funny and cute.

it was a very tough day and i got frustrated with the elem teacher at one point and walked off campus and walked all the way to my car and took a break.  but went back in

i taught the kids 'Silent Ball" and the TA was so impressed he thanked me and said it was great and it was a great time because i was laughing and having fun and so were the kids  and they were quiet!!!!!

oh i gots to go

i gotted help from Josie a lot

Nance has been ok

I texted Tambam and she text back but she's useless

i miss the ac/  I told Lit I needed to stop communicating with him for while and he was a cranky mean sukky baby about it.  what a stupidhead.  he told me i was making a 'big deal' of it.  of adultery!  stupid

but Josie told me i need to hang around healthy people.  and heal my R with the ac ... i mean, put it to rest, get closure on it, move on

she gave me the names of 2 therapists if i have some guap ill look into it

i dint go to Group tonight tho i wanted to cuz its five dollars and i have no money

but i have Starbux money!!!!   TY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  lovelove

i said thank you a lot to God (mine) for this night and gorgeous evening with its blue fading light on my hike

and of course i have YOU!  i love you medhelp




food handling

Aug 30, 2015 - 1 comments


is this thing on?  ::tap, tap::

aw whatever, fukk it man

ok so what'd i miss on the whole conversion drama?  i dint even get to C that before it was filenotfounded

gee dammit!

i still have the mig, so looking at this comp screen is not good, even on dim so ima try to be short

you aredi are short, meegpaw

too bad, eugene!

'let me clear my throat'

'kick it over here daddy pop'  (baby pop?)

banana yoshimoto, author of probably my most favoritist book in the whole world EVER, _Kitchen_, said in that book that every day is a new beginnning

starting over

oh man

every day it seems i come back to this simple lesson::

our bodies need fuel to function

fuel is usually in the form of :   food

not just any food!  healthy, nutritious food!


i just hate.  i mean i hate.  i hate handling food, i hate defrosting food, cooking food, chopping food, i hate eating food --ok i don't hate eating it but

um making it

food i mean

is just--


oo tray Meegy?

no, i said outre.

oo tray.

shut up!


'up the hill backwards we'll be all right ooh oooh ooh ooh ooh'

the other day Muriel squawked at me "The reason you hate cooking is because you don't excel at it"

i was like come again, beeiotch?  what you know about my cooking????? jaysus!

that lady comes out with some clunkers i tell ya ... she don't even know me!

omg my moms said i was ugly my hole life and how my brother was brilliant and i was merely smart but check it:  she alway go "Wim is an excellent cook."

HA Muriel so there!   compete in another category with my mom for the rudest person ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg im ok


i hate the handling of food, the chopping, the preparing--

yeah we heard you the first time Meegy

oh oh right

so i made scramble eggs (THREE!) with half a cheese, tomato, onion and a flower tortilla

as im making it i am telling myself 'icky thats wack man i dont want to eat that'

so i go "Meegy you dont got to eat all of it"

guess what mh?

the plate clean

the plate clean!

i was on take a pitcher but its not that pretty or colorful


and i 8 dinner last night!  i swears!

alls the time i wake up so hungee.  dk why.  if i eat good dinner, why wake up hungee

don't get it

but i ate tortillas with beans again b/c i just get grossed out by meat most of the time.  not owes.  but most of the time

that's good it has a lot of protein.  but wake up hungee


my right eye hurts.  my head still hurts

she said head

so where in the SAM HILL is everybody????????  MH????

i sent a 2 minute recording i made last night with two jokes (the ones i told you, but spoken) to Tambam and Nance and they loved them!  that is the first time besides the ac i really let anyone hear any of my recordings.  well i'd sent Tbam one of me giggling.  Tbam said she loves my recordings!  yay!

i got to book my eye hurts

later days!



ps i know the title this j sound nasty but it is not

beat up

Aug 29, 2015 - 0 comments

i woke up feeling so wack, it always feels like i am feeling more wack than usual but i always wake up feeling wack so idk.

there's a movie on about basketball or something or ... what are they doing ... partying, hooking up ... and the name on the bus route said "seven mile"

so its in Detroit

I really jacked up my neck and shoulders this week at work being tense.  i woke up feeling like i'd been beat up (not that way) and i still feel that way.  UGH

i've decided, per Josie, that I need to step up taking care of myself.  what would i tell a friend who'd been beat up all week?

rest, soothe, relax, etc

so i hope to do that

i don't feel energetic, feel like i need a nap and i just woke up!

i might shower, im going to go to the meeting.  its 9am and already hot here.  im sick of it

other than that plan to relax

im in quite a bit of pain... in my left shoulder ... from tension at work ... it is always bad until i get accustomed to being back an work then i get less tense.

i actually got a massage yesterday with some of the money the ac gave me.  but i am still in a lot of pain.

and i did the epsom salt thing one day.  just my feets

and i took ibu


i think two of my main issues, and Josie echoed this, are the ac and my body

you think?


and.  i want to talk to Josie more, maybe go visit her

and ...

with the ac, i'm not sure if the worse thing is that i still love him, or I still want him after all the horrible things he's done, or that he doesnt want me for me even to consider wanting

you know?


"you can never quarantine the past" --Pavement

in my dreams i always think i have already used once or twice and ive been telling everyone Im clean.  like, i've used coke or vicodin.  just one or two pills, or a few lines.  like that ... and im on to the huge binge using

in the dream this morning i had a HUGE AZZ bag of crystal.  it was like, you know those gallon ziploc bags or maybe its not a gallon im not sure the big freezer bags?

it was FULL of meth which as you know is like, beyond

you just need a couple little lines

and i was about to do it

i was in my ollllllllllllld bedroom that i grew up in 9x9 which was small for suburban 'detroit' upper middle class family and it had red carpeting the selling point of my bedroom was it had a walk in closet but i had to keep the family vacuum cleaner in it!  ha ha

so i was about to go into the closet and put out lines on the floor

my moms and dad was there

my dad was angry.  he has temper tantrums you know  ... scary

but he was going to do the meth with me.  the three of us, dad my older sis and me used to do coke together


but for once the rr prophecy came thru:  i woke up before i did it

and i feel rotten!

but better than when i first got up

so nobody red my two long j's yesterday??? bummer!


thats a good name for a book isnt it.  like in the confederacy of dunces genre:  The RR Prophecy

ha ha ha!

your funi Meegy

ty well shore

ok laters




ps and in those short times that i see the ac now i feel so cherished by him.  i really do.  and that fukks up my heart.  i mean it confuses me.  im a chick.  you know?