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12 hours - 2 comments

You're lost little girl
You're lost little girl
You're lost
Tell me who
Are you?

I think that you know what to do
Impossible? Yes, but it's true
I think that you know what to do, yeah
I'm sure that you know what to do

--mr mojo rising

I know I sort of dissed the doors, but I dint really mean it.  I dig jim.  but.  im sick of the hits.  that's all.

like them leather pants ya  ... huh.  kind of sexy in a weird feminine way ... idk

welp, here I am medhelp. I have to admit that I don't really know what to say, and I just ... im at a loss. and im supertire

im irritable.

today was aite.  work was pretty good.  Hedi, whom I love, is really boring to teach.  She really doesn't want to be in school, but we have sort of run out of things to talk about.  she still talks .  she likes to talk.  but if I try to teach something she is sort of disinterested.  she will work for like a hour a day out of four.  I never got the new student cuz the two guys never showed up to take the test.  

something weird happened with Hoshiro.  I mean in general he's really tripping.  he is nervous I think about going back to Japan.  he's been here for 2 1/2 years ... he went to another ESL skule for a year.  Now he is going back to Japan to live .. with his folks.  He is about 34.  He has not become at all fluent.  as ive sed we all think he has a learning disability.  but he has a lot of nervous tics like he blows his nose compulsively when he feels uncomfortable.  Louis said it is driving him crazy during morning session cuz he finds Hosh's nose blowing gross.

Louis came into my room after 1 and ax me if he can keep Hosh for 130 to 230 and then ill take him .  then I would have Suni for the first hour and we'd trade just for today.  yeah jft ha    and um.  I sed sure cuz I was really wanting to teach Suni he is so fun to be with.  but then at 130 Hosh came to me.  I said you are going with Louis.  he looked so confuse.  so Louis come in like "come on Hoshiro!' and H go ... No I am with Miss Meegy.  yeah!!!  Louis is like, I thought you were going to stay with me today for a extra hour.   and H go 'no I want to be with Miss Meegy."  Yeah!!!! he say that!  I am like Dog what?  I always thought H hated me and think im incompetent.  See I have a lot of confidence in myself ... oh man.  I know huh

and Louis is like 'But we are going to review the grammar I taught you this morning"  and Hosh say "I want Miss Meegan to review it with me."

Um doh!!!!!!!!!!

it was nice that he wanted me.

but I miss Suni.

But after I guess Louis is really fed up with Suni I know all students can be difficult but I like Suni ... anyway L go 'can we all play Scrabble again" like we did yesterday!  so I am like ok.  and I got to be on team with Suni.  that kid is so bright!  he pick up Scrabble in two day and he is a scheming strategist!  he is playing with the words like ... can I put a 'y' on train to get triple word score?   im like no there is no word 'trainy'  but he keep trying all diffy combos of words tho he is just Beginning English he already trying to make words and inflections and gerunds.  He won both days today he got 113 points and Louis got 45. !!!!  

the hole time Suni playing the video 'talk dirty' on his mac and I just don't have the heart to tell him it got a lot of bad words in it.  Suni is raise so good and polite he would turn 10 shades of red if he knew what the lyrics were and he is playing them for a fellow Japanese, Hoshiro, who is his senior, AND his teachers!!!!!  oh well

when I comed home I talked to my girl, hello hani!  and I work out, it sort of sock, it was the short one, 25 minutes, and its quasi hard but I just felt like I wasn't really doing it.  im not sure if it is accurate when I feel that way.  I mean, I was doing it.  then I did my weights that always go well Meegy said knock you out

and ..... I wrote for a hour it socked too.  sometime it feel like I will never write a good story again

kudos to me I made scramble eggs for dinner but I did have another tantrum while I was making it and I made whole wheat English muffin could not get it out of toaster and threw the knife across the room.   I was like Lucy Liu ... ya  ... whop!   ka bam!    hye ya!!!!    I put hot sauce on it.   it was ok but I had trouble with the whoel thing including eating cuz I felted angry and upset.  but I did eat it then  ok ... I felt better

but I still missed and miss my pop like a lot

Lit and Cope tried to get at me today but I dint.  I am irritate with them.  I am so sorry I ever told Cope where I live.  He rang the box downstairs .. that was him the other day too not Lit.  and its like ... I was at work!!!!!  I text him like 'was that you' and he go 'yeah my bad.  '  he explain why and I just wont tell you medhelp cuz you will all come over and kill me but I told him nicely like dog please

and Lit call me after he got off work but I was writing and did not have the ringer on so that's ok.  I love him but sometimes he just irritates me.  I cant really explain that either

and just in general lately I still feel real slow, and like tire, alls day.  im not sleeping great, maybe four hour, but for me that's ok.  and I just feel underwater.  meegy on mute

I mean some days and some tiems of day are ok

im just fusstrated with myself.  I keep fukking everything up.  im  good at that

and my stories sock.  I know it.  I know when I want to read them

Chula came into my classroom while I was out on a break at 1 and wrote on my board "had to leave fast, see you manana ... chula'   this is a major breakthrough.  she actually came in and wrote a goodbye!  OH MY GOOD LORD I am so honored Chula.  but, sarcasm aside, for her that's a big deal.  so weel c

I have heard nothing from the lawyer or my hub about my email regarding the settlement, that I sent sunday

I will follow up

I am looking forward to Friday, which is tomorrow.  yes, I know its thu.  for me Friday.  I want to go back to Placerita Canyon I am so hot for it I cant tell you.  oh yeah!   I was idly thinking of axing Chu but I know she works like five jobs and I really don't want to risk rejection so I dee kay


just had to mention it at least once

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh man

oh spit I saw Mr Dirty yesterday Arm Wrestling another guy in front of the U Haul.  im NOT kidding.  I almost stopped breathing right there.  OMG   oh my GOD!   go Mr. Dirty!  yeah baby!!!!   today he was wearing red shiny basketball shorts that came to his ankles.  I m not kidding about that either.  SO fukkin HOT>  he is SO HOT!!!  I have to admit he excites me.  that way.  yes.!!!!! in case you dint know.  did you know Mr. Dirty turns me on?  oh you did??? oh.  ok then  ... just checkin

but I think 2Chainz, more so.

idk.  not sure.   maybe if I saw them arm wrestle ....


ok well I think my work here is done.

for tonite.

goodnite nite medhelp

I love you!




Apr 23, 2014 - 3 comments

wow.  I apologize to the ppl who live there ... you know who you are ... but I just googled New Mexico and nuclear waste problems ............. yowza!  okey dokey ... new mexico is out

Tucson is so hot.  but ill consider it

sta cruz, big sur ... earthquakes

seattle ... tumultuous and gigantic rain

new England ... freezing!


razors cut you
you mights as well live

--Dorothy Parker  (whom I call Dot)

oh my!

I forgot to tell you medhelp alls I got was x rays and um the dentists fingers in my mouth! ohhhh yeah baby do it like that ... oh god ... he is so dope .. so sweet, too!  maybe its the latex thing ... omg so kink

I like my dentist a lot.

that's the ony good thing about going to the dentist ... gosh when the hygienist came in I thought I was going to jump down her throat I was in such a bad mood ... but when the dentist came in ... oh my ... he's so disarming ... charming ... I just wished he would jump down my throat!

or something

god, Meegy!


I know.

how rude!

im sorry


medhelp I am sorry I was such a drag when I took down all them j's.  I aint thought about it how it affek ppl and I just.  im sorry




Apr 22, 2014 - 1 comments

do you want a list of all the durn ppl who don't ker about ol Meegy no more?  ok hold up:

aww man!!!! its too long to list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sha!  as if!  not even!  sike!!!!! doh

ok im ok

SEE in a better mood

by sheer virtue of time

of day

or night

la la la la la



naw I don't need your dumb azz anyway!  go make some more friends!

im sorry.  I aint mean it that way

oh man Meegy your a real hater today



what is yw??

its your welcome cokehead.

omg     I dint mean that either

You are SO MEAN Meegy!

im sorry

why don't you just take off on rr now?

ok.  I think I will.

naw!  ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

so freakin funi man

I crack myself up

that's good cuz you don't crack no one else up


cello violin viola and standing bass!

wooo hooooooooooooooooooooo someone put some COFFEE in my coffee!

wait.  its night, you say?  oh.  I aint drunk coffee sence this morning.

I aint drunk!

omg Meegy take a breath.  breathe, baby.


im hyperventilating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my shrink called a hour and half late.
she helped me tho.
like a lot
she say like 'this is a very hard time for you and you are doing great!'  and she say a lot of other stuff less general and really helpful
and alls the ppl I don't like she go lets get a band of robbers together and go rob them and I go OK!

like that
see?  it helps


she say it was a very brave thing you dun with La Chu and a good will gesture .  even if it dint accomplish what you want


ellay what it do what it do what it do!

that's what power 106 just said. then they play pharrell.  happy!

la la la dee da

could it be the lith taper that make my moods SWING so much?

your a swinger Meegy.

no I aint!  
I cant be.  im divo'd.
almost.  casi todo


como que

si, como que!  ay que rico!

I really have very little to say, im just in a better mood.  so I thought i'd bring enuf to share.  do you like chocolate chip?  yes I do too.  here you can have some of mines


I got real itchy to goto ktown when Alexa ax me to sub like .. hmmmmm

and the thing is I aint gone down no more on the lith like I sed im afraid to.  so.

I was just thinking like ... if you change your brain chemistry enuf times will it like just freak with you ... you know what I mean?  like you are like I can handle this or that and you do it and then later you are like wow that DID freak with me.  does it?  cuz ... idk.  you know though?  or can you just absorb the bad things you do and it don't really come back to bite you in the azz?  I am thinking lately maybe it do and Meegy alway think she get away with freakin murder, man.  nope not so little girl.  think again

ohhhhhhhh I get it then

you cant do bad spit to your body and brain over and over if you want to get up again. you can only get up good so many x and then you get up again and its bad.  like that?  or like.  idk  forget it im not talkin bout nothing

so I looked at the cities again.  here it is this was the list ... :  Santa Fe, Tucson, Austin, Providence, New Bedford, Athens, Sta Cruz, Big Sur (spensive no?) ... um was that it?  I think so.  but if you go in no cali you still ain excape earthquakes so ya

but I like santa fe, and um Tuscon how do you spell that, and um ... Austin them my top 3.  but I do love New England ... oh, me

and the thing is I LOVE to spend time outside and Tucson hotter than Meegy still is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  omg stay away she's the local pariah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok laters,


the Scarlet Letterhead


Apr 22, 2014 - 9 comments

im still trying, im still trying this is why I wanted to leave medhelp, I have been struggling so much and I feel so bad about everything and myself.  I have these tantrums and breakdowns about two or three times a day lately, other times I am ok and even good and fine, laughing and feeling ok and happy and creative and stuff but then these times get me down really bad.  I was going to try and wait til I get in bed to write cuz I will feel better in a better mood and a funnier and happier j but I just have nowhere to go that's the thing.

my T is so weird.  I know.  I know she is aging I get it.  but she has always been this way ... bad about keeping appointments.  she is so helpful when she is there but sometimes she is very unreliable.  more lately since she pretty much retired.  I was talking to her once a week.  she insisted on have these twice weekly phone sessions, if I wanted to , which I did.  now she cant keep either day.

its just bad cuz I reeeeeeely depend on her and she is like one of the ony ppl in my life right.


so when she doesn't keep the appointments its a huge ginormous letdown for me and I just feel like alls the stuff I needed to talk about is down the drain.

and I feel drained.

I am still sad about the ac.  its like.  I miss him.  a lot.  and all the things ppl tell me yes they are true they are truisms I came to myself a while back but at many many times of day especially since the settlement papers process has begun I miss him a lot

like now

I had to go to the dentist which is in my old hood and for whatever reason when I am at the dentist I always want my pop.


and I cant feed myself I know I am trying I really really am.  for a while it was better know why?  cuz I wasn't that hungry so I didn't get all fukked up when I dint eat.  now I am getting that hungry insane feeling again and I just go nuts when I am hungry and I forget all the foods im supposed to buy at the market or I run out and I am stranded out in the world with no food super hungry and driving or at work or whatever and I I just lose it start crying or hitting stuff and breaking stuff or hurting myself.

I don't know what has gone wrong, just in the past two weeks my body broke down again and is asking for nourishment which I honestly don't want to give

why do I have to do it

I know .  I know the anser

I just don't feel good.  and I did just eat dinner so now I m not hungry

my place seems like a mess and im so tired to even do anything I am not going to work out today I just feel like getting n bed and going to sleep

Alexa text me to sub in ktown tomorrow and I half wanted to go and see the kids but its for a diffy class.  and I have students tomorry

so I said no

the thing with Chula did not go that great.  she really loved it but she was still her annoying self.  I mean.  I love her as you know we just aint been getting along.  I thought maybe that would break the ice but she still just yammered on about work and like hugging trees or something

she will not talk about anything real.  and I know its me right?  god forbid anyone should talk about real spit


I will come back later.  I promise I will be in a better mood

gah I know she is forgetful, my t.   but she called me while I was at the dentist and say she will call at 630 and then don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am certain she fell asleep


also this past two weeks when I wake up in the morning I feel like someone clocked me over the head with a large heavy flashlight.

or, if I don't feel that way, I feel like someone should.


she said weakly

I will come back later

I promise I will be in a better mood,