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Jan 04, 2017 - 3 comments

other things that happened today:

i found a (large) dead roach by my bed on the floor.  since i traded mattresses and am sleeping on CJ's old mattress (bc mine was so bad ... and when i talked to Tama about it she felt really bad so i dropped it; Roberta said if i got the guys phone no that sold me the mattress she would talk to him ...), my bed is on the floor.  i think Lauren had a frame but it was real rickety.  and i needed more support not something shaky.  so we put it on the floor, actually there was a wood board with it (thin) so we put that down too.

and i was eating in here again though i vowed not to about 4 weeks ago, maybe less ... and i ate junk food, which makes crumbs ... and so i said to myself last night, tomorrow i will get that little vacuum and move the bed and vacuum all around it.

but when i went to do that i found the roach!  

it was on the floor right near the head of my bed.

of course i freaked out as usual.  no one was inside.  so i got rid of it and then vacuumed really well.  and i went outside and found Roberta and she suggested i spray Raid around the baseboards near the bed and i did that too.

so we'll see who dies first, the roaches or me.  loll


class went pretty well tonight.  its still vacay so i only had 3, but that's fine.  i like that!  and Byrne said we will have class tomorrow night.  he likes me a lot.  i wish he would have stuck to his word which was we wouldn't hold class unless there were 4 ppl who wanted to come .... but he didn't.  and i need the work.

i was going to sleep on the couch tonight in the living room but after i vac'd and sprayed i thought i guess ill sleep in here.  its pretty bad though ... ugh.

  this morning i didn't feel bad when i woke up ... almost good!  and i wrote and got some stuff i really really liked for the first time in a long time ... so i was very stoked.  

i got the new books for my new night class (my level 2 is moving up to level 3).

i worked out, just a 45 min cardio bc my body felt tired.

i finally picked up my contact lenses just in time bc i was really starting to have trouble driving with my glasses, esp at night.

ok i think thats it.  there was something else i think but i forgot.

ok laters!

love you mh

hope y'all is good



sad bad

Oct 18, 2016 - 1 comments

its horrible when i am really low and theres no mh.

why did you do this to us MH in chief?  why


mannish boys

Aug 21, 2016 - 2 comments

also i forgots to tell you that the ac AND Lit contacted me today.  i know right

the ac was practically incoherent.  he texted me out of the blue (i haven't heard from him in like 3 weeks) and goes "Hi."  i said "Hi."  he goes "how ru"  i said "K.  U?"  he said "Ok."  then like 15 minutes later he texted, "I'm home."

i was like Wha .....?????  why is he telling me this?  and i thot maybe he thinks he is texting P. Diddy (this is what i call his new chik bc her name is Didi)

i said "Why are you telling me this?"

he said "because i was at a union meeting for work."

Um ... right?  so i just said "i love you honey."  and about 3 hours later he texted "i love you too babe."


i am really worried about him.

Lit wrote me this heartfelt email (SOB.  Sike) about he's SO sorry how beautiful i am and how he really misses me and wants me in his left ALL he can remember with me is good times (UMMMMM right?)  and he fukked everything up yadda yadda

its 145 a.m. and Roberta is STILL marching around the house.  OMG

ok so i wrote him back (against my betters jujment)  "i dont get it Lit if you wanted to keep me in your life so bad why didnt you do ONE of the things i asked for over and over and over?"

he said 'yeah i fukked up i will get you ALL the things I promised you Wim and do ALL the things you asked for if you allow me to"

stupid idiot.   i dint write him back.


I saw this GORGEOUS guy on the hike who was RUNNING up the trail (these fukkers are really crazy its hard enuf to walk up the goddam trail) he was small, i mean taller than me (who isnt)  but he had bleach blond hair (Bleach, kurty) and theez BIG brown eyes omg he looked like Gavin Rossdale he was so pretty, and i caught his eye and he looked at me but he dint stop or say nothing or even smile.  im sure alls his life ppl have told him how beautiful he is.  

he had these sculpted muscles, he was in really good shape sort of like Javi was but maybe in better shape not sure.  he was lean, not scrawny but almost slight, except for the muscular quality of his arms and legs, he turned around and was running ahead of me as i was walking down and i tried to catch up to him but i couldn't and he ran off into the distance ....   ::sigh:::   you run away run away run away run away  ... i will follow.  i will follow (bono)

ok welp gotta bounce


ty for suffering me





ned, et al

Aug 20, 2016 - 2 comments

i know you can get in trouble for NOT crediting a quote, but can you get in trouble for attributing a quote to someone that they didn't make?  i guess you can.  its like DEplaigarism or something ...

these are the things i worry about


--Bart Simpson

'but this one goes to eleven!'
--Nigel Tuffnal


pardon me its late.  1116pm here and i have on the dope radio and its like really weird music it is tripping me out


so i got off my fine azz this morning, read the job ads (Mel advised me to do this like i DONT DO IT EVERY FREAKIN DAY! omg)  and i did.  i applied to like 3 places and i called the Temp lady who sets me up with sub gigs that pay like spit and she's going to start calling me Monday so ya

then this guy immediately responded to a resume i sent and  i hads an interview at 1pm today

it went very well

but that means NOTHING!

they have two schools, private, very small ... he was interviewing for a elementary teacher in a combined classroom but he thought id be a good fit for their other campus (near my current job) to teach 6, 7 and 8 ... English i think ... anyway it sounded great and we got on famously but idk how much it pays

he axed me to come to their Open House tomorrow to meet the director so i said yes.  ill go afters my meeting.

then i got home and i went to my meeting and then i went to the grocery store.

then i worked out.  i promised myself that i would either do 30 mins of cardio and 3 other things, or 45 mins of cardio and 2 other things.  NO MORE!  i was trying to set a limit.  but i ended up doing 45 mins of cardio, about 35 burpees, 24 push ups (one set the real kind which i still suk at but i can sort of do them), my free weights, and abs.  oops.  i just wanted to.  i really like it.

my roomies are having a party tomorrow ... maybe i told you.  im a little peeved i mean partly its bc i am kind of a buzz kill i guess but there will be alcohol pretty sure and prolly pot and thats sort of uncomfortable.  i might just spend the evening at Josie's.

Tbam was going to come but she is saying she might not cuz she started back to work this week (sheez a teacher) and her 3 hour commute is difficult.  really tbam?  omg.  well at least it's not like she moved forty thousand miles away from work for some dumb guy!!!!!  oh wait.  it is.

at the meeting i really got my comeuppance if thats the right way of phrasing it.  maybe its that *they* got a comeuppance on me.  im too lazy to look it up

welp i usually go to the noonski AA meeting at this clubhouse.  but i was at the innerview.  so i hads to go at 3.  i go to the 3 o clocks most days of the week, save Tues and Sat (willllllllllll you come see me)  (csn ok?  jeez the quoting spit)  so i know a lot of the ppl but i dont talk much there.  i dont know them *that* well, tho i have talked to a few ppl a few times.  but i know them by sight and most of them know me.  we say hi, etc

anyhoo i was like wending my way between tables to find the choicest seat and i was aiming to get away from the center of the meeting (though i remembered that Mel said to do exactly the opposite) and this guy who i always think of as the Psycho guy well not psycho but just like, pretty crazy (koo-koo, koo-koo) -- invited me to sit by him.  OMG medhelp!

i mean, AA MUCH more so than NA i find adheres to the 'principles not personalities' catch phrase (see, quotes), although some of the ring leaders as well as some of the kids (18-22 yo's) sometimes make fun of certain ppl and i disklike it a lot.  sometimes its in fun but other times i think its not, and is rude.

(i prefer to make fun of them in my head DOH!  )  i said it


anyway this guy ill call him ... Roland ... he is like, sort of touched i mean a lot of us in 12 step are ... but he is like Super Touched.  he is kind of chubby, not quite, and he dresses super nerdishly, and he usually sits alone but everyone knows him.  he sort of stays at the meetings all day.  he has a pile of books and notebooks with him and often reads or writes during the meeting although i have to give him this he is respectful and he sometimes participates.  When he speaks he kind of has a stutter and imo he seems really smart but like one of those idiot savant types i mean i dont think he is special needs in that sense of mentally challenged, but he definitely has noticeable mental illness and i would lay lots of money on the idea that he is on a lot of meds.  he is kind of out of it but in?  idk its hard to describe him ... maybe you get it

so i never want to be rude to ppl, but especially Roland, and when he speaks i don't make fun of him outwardly like a few ppl do and others who just dismiss him i think (the core crowd of old timers treats him nicely and with gentleness and respect, in good humor), but i try to pay attn and look like i do not think he is crazy (tho i do).  i just look at him very somberly and seriously as if he is normal. (i know im terrible)

... when he asked me to sit with him i was like OH MY GAH ... but i did, across from him (he wanted to give me his seat) but like, right across.

and i was FAR more into the crowd (madding--tm) than i usually am and than i wanted to be.  i mean who knows, Roland is smart, maybe preternaturally so, and maybe it was all A Part of His Sinister Plan ... hahahahaha (evil lafter)

but ya and he was SO incredibly kind and sweet to me, he was just so cute and funny it was almost too much.  but i mean what could i do?

SO many men at that meeting have given me the meeting times / schedule of events there that i could paper a room with them

and a lot of this crowd is older guys, guys with time, most of them are marriedmarried and they are just the sweetest gentlemen!

this one guy Ned i think i have told you about i judged him too at first (who me?) bc he is kind of odd looking but it turns out he is super smart and always says SUCH GREAT STUFF

a lot of the older timers there have some incredible recovery and VERY profound and helpful stuff to say

and a lot of them look really weird, mh



ok hi

and ...

then after a lot of ppl shared Roland raised his hand and go in his funny slow child like voice "I would like to turn over my share to my new friend and hear from her"

and i was like omg bc it was a really big meeting mh a LOT of ppl and a lot of young guys and i just ... not 20s guys but still young ... and i felt very shy and very intimidated and i just dk them that well like i know the laydeez at my Sati meeting.  i mean it took MONTHS for me to feel comfortable around them.  maybe close to a year!

i shared about this and that and i actually told them that i have 68 days and that i walked down the liquor aisle at the market yesterday (i did)

and i remember how angry 16 was when he thought i had taken a drink (but i hadnt he just thot from the tone of my pm that i was drunk --i wasnt) and that was almost how angry Ned was and he cross talked and after he congratulated people for chips and birthdays he said some severe stuff (he usually does but it is very helpful, like one time he shared that this young woman he knew was dying of cancer and she HAD to take meds she had no choice and here we were all whining about wanting to take drugs by CHOICE--wow did that hit hard) and then he talked right to ME and goes "What do you think walking down the liquor aisle" or something like that and he was sitting right near me "if you go to the bar enough times youre going to have a drink!"  i know i have heard that before but he sort of really scolded me and dressed me down (so to speak loll) and even though it was really hot and i replayed it in my mind alls day afterwards, i got what he was saying loud and clear, the actual meaning of it ... not being funny or silly.  i mean i get it.  and those guys medhelp ... yes im a chick ... and not bad looking .... but they know me, mh, i realized they know me and they care about me!  i know this is always a shock to me that ppl see me.  and care.

and a few other old timer guys shared TO me and this one guy who has had a stroke and looks super fukked up but has always been so welcoming to me, when i was sharing today i told him that he repeated all the stuff Mel says to me alls the time and how i hate hearing it ('this disease wants me dead!  its cunning baffling ' etc) and i said 'i guess i need to hear all that stuff' and he came over at the end and kissed me on the head.

they are so kind to me.

so yeah

yesterday when the job thing happened and my boss just never said ANYTHING to me, just let me go home without students, i had a melt down and when i called Mel i was crying and very very down and down on myself and she was like 'this is the perfect time for your disease to sneak up on you, youre vulnerable and it can get in"  so she told me stuff to do.  and to call her again that night if i needed her.  she is a great sponsor.

this other guy who is super cool, also older and he is like stooped over he is big and has some serious back prollem, he looks weird and i judged HIM before but now ive heard him talk a few x and HE is also very bright and has GREAT Stuff to say

he said that every morning he wakes up feeling down and negative and he prays and asks his God to help him be more positive and to do the things that he wants him to do ... and then he said "its up to you how much you want to fight that (gods will)" and i was like wow.  you just have to listen to that still small voice to find out what (god) wants you to do that day.  just the things for that day.  wow.  just listen and don't fight it.  heed it.  Wow

and Ned also said "anyone in here today who thinks that their God wants them to use or drink, raise your hand"

i was like WOW

but the truth is sometimes i dont know if my God wants me to stop using.  that's the thing.

but most of the time i know that my God DOES want me to be clean.  you know?

ok i gotta bounce mh

i love you!




ps i also worked / wrote fiction