so, I was thinking medhelp could start to offer some sort of reward for ppl who are active on the site ... kind of like frequent buyers or flyers club, like Vons like points ... a points system ... would that be grifting? ya
I worked out, showered, dressed, ready for prime time. wearing my new chemise, which is quite brief and, I noticed, sort of see through. no wonder they call it American Rag. but I have the summer cardigan to throw over it so im coolio ...
its a weird top. I find much of fashion weird these days. it is very flowing and flares in the waist ... im not sure if its not too much material, however, I needed this size in the bust so whatever. boys shirts for some reason just fit me better.
I was thinking about Cindy. I don't agree with her politic manner and I think there was a gigantic bridge (and a confounded one) between Maybe you could not call the ac and Did you consider calling a cab (which I did, actually but I was in screaming panic pain and I thought I was going to have a stroke, which was probably quite possible as I m sure my bp was WAY higher than the next couple days in the drugstore and That was high) .... that Cindy missed completely in favor of possibly having me jump the daim thing completely which is bad casualties of therapy bad
I just mean in terms of my sanity and self actualization and emotional survival not actual death ok
I was thinking while I was getting ready and stuff ... what did she help me with ... anything? yes. she identified my fear, which has been creating tremendous anxiety for me since the Mig last Thurs ... and prolly to a degree before, regarding all the job stuff and in general (1)
as a ruling emotion
And she did bring up the issue right in my face that if I keep relying on the ac, even when im in tremendous pain (especially when?) that I will suffer the consequences later. hence, the Cab issue.
so I googled cabs and in big magic marker on a piece of looseleaf I wrote out three numbers and cab co names and taped it to the fridge (I don't have magnets) (2)
(3) she helped me see that I do have the 'I am so alone I am all alone' mantra. While I disagree with her that it is not true ... ITS TRUE! I agree with her that it is not serving me
so for now, I have a new mantra for lack of being able to think of a better one:
I CAN DO THIS.
I am strong, I am super bright, I am cute, I am hot, I am sexy, I am talented (oh yeah baby), I am funny, kind, sweet, creative OH MY GOD SO MUCH MORE MEEGY YOU ROCK AND ROLL MAMA!!!!!!!!!!
your quite welcome you super goddess
even more welcome babydoll
It IS hard, Meegy. It IS scary. it is very very very very very very
scary for me to think of being alone
having a stroke
or a huge migraine like this past weekend
and going to the hop by myself
but ... perhaps I could do it. next time. idk. this time ... I did not feel I could. I was in SO MUCH PAIN I dont' really know if I could have waited in Urgent Care for hours or honestly even walked downstairs or walked period
but at least I have the numbers of the cabs on the fridge and
you know when I worked out today ... I found a new workout on my dvd its Leslie Sansone ( I know! don't laugh but she has good workouts that don't kill you but still work you out) and she has five on this one dvd and I never do this workout but I tried it again and its really good. a little mellow but not too mellow I mean I liked it
no weights today its a off day for that
and so after the workout my head felt weird. I felt not good. I was sweaty not in a workout way but a bad way and I felt nauseous and miggy and all fukked up
I had a short panic attack like OMG what if I have to go to the hop what if it comes on again and im alone and I cant all the ac and omg this is my life now I don't feel good help
and I just
ya I tried to chillax. I said the serenity prayer. I did the dishes. and I actually sat down and rested. ya
I was like 'you are ok. your in good general health, you are strong, your a good girl you will be ok
I mean it wasn't ideal medhelp I wasn't like LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA yay I am fine I comfort myself great!
but I did it
and I wasn't in the throes of a huge mig but I did feel pretty bad and wiggy and my head felt reals weird on the right temple
and I got thru it
then I sat down and just LISTENED to the nidra yoga cuz I am like "I cant do it right now! I wont!' so I told myself 'just play it while you do your stuff' and I did. and I sat down at one point and I began to breathe with it and I realized AGAIN how fukked up my breathing 'normally' is and it HELPED ME though I just did it for like a few minutes
and I feel better. I feel ok. I did take some ibu ( I know but it doesn't effect the bp that much) and some stomach meds cuz I have weird discomfort
but I feel better
I look cute in my new top and I am ready to go to Hedi's for tea.
I mean the ac ... and even those other two guys its like ... its not MY lack. its theirs. its like ... whatever, man. if they don't think im super great to be around and know what the fukk do I need them for?
ok check you laters