Jul 23, 2011
At this point I'm beyond annoyed and feel so hopeless.
After finding out that my thyroid levels are out of range making my TSH level extremely high, my mind is going round and round trying to process this. I discovered my levels were out of whack by a extensive blood test with a nutritionist. She was nice enough to start me on Levothyroxine, but told me I needed to find someone else to treat me for the hypothyroidism.
I've had every negative emotion possible and little room for happiness, and not by choice pursue. I have always thought that everybody is in control of their thoughts and I thought I needed to learn how to better control mine. I have always been told that I'm hard to be around because my moods can be somewhat unpredictable and something is always wrong with me. Of course hearing that would send me into orbit as well as denial, but now I know it's got to be hard to be around people going through this too!
My fiancé and I split up a year ago and we have 2 kids together. About 2 months after I started having horrible problems staying awake anytime I wasn't around my kids (age 1 and 3). I would fall asleep literally driving to work and at work and throughout the rest of the day until I picked my kids up. It's been going on for a year now and at times I was so scared I was going to kill myself in a car accident. I also have been having migraines everyday in the mornings, and they're so excruciating! I really didn't think too much about going to the doctor because I was so confused-like all the time as if my brain wasn't attached. I knew how horrible it was but at the same time I would always forget to call the doctor or I thought maybe being a single mother I was naturally tired with perfect reason. I have two toddlers after all. Plus I've always have had problems with my health off and on so, although it seemed way worse, it didn't seem all together out of the ordinary.
It's gone misdiagnosed for at least my entire adult life. Unfortunately, I'm just now finding out, 10 years later. I feel paralyzed with fear to take the next step with finding a doctor to treat this lifetime disease. Not only am I paralyzed but I'm riddled with questions. Who do I go see? Do I go see an endocrinologist, a family practice doctor that specializes in internal medicine, or do I go see a thyroidolgist (whatever the unofficial title is)?
Of course when I found out I turned into a google-whor* and tried to inform myself of this, because I was so ignorant to it. I thought the only people diagnosed with thyroid problems had to be severely overweight. There are so many misconceptions with thyroid problems, and I wish the public was more aware. I feel like I've been taken advantage of by the medical field, in a way, and maybe I just want to place blame anywhere but me, but I feel so angry for not finding out until now. I have had symptoms for so long and my mood swings that come with it have made some relationships strained. They never understood why I felt bad and hell neither did I. After awhile people made me feel like it was in my head, and I started to believe that too!
This year has been the worst of them all though. Before, the only symptoms I did have were fatigue, muscle aches, irregular menstrual cycles, headaches and allergies (which at this point I don't know if it's associated with thyroid or if my allergies are in fact just plain 'ole allergies). But this year I became extremely fatigue like I've never experienced before. I was falling asleep all day. Literally nodding off, and it would make me nauseous to try and stay awake. Not to mention I had horrible migraines that were unbelievable! I have those every morning and it's extremely hard to make it through the day. Your morning is so important and it sets the tone for the rest of the day, so it's hard for me to try and do a complete turn around. Also, my bowel movements are almost non-existent and that adds to the discomfort. I have a lot of the other symptoms as well that I thought were just unfortunate happenings like dry skin. My fingers peel constantly and always dry no matter what I do. My scalp is also dry that I have now come down with dandruff. Another thing I notice that is horribly annoying is my tongue has felt swollen for so long...maybe I had this way before this year. I've always had somewhat problems with breathing and doctors always thought I may have asthma but didn't do anything about it or think outside the box to think of thyroid.
This whole thing baffles me....so many symptoms that could be a million other things and I don't think I would have ever guessed this or thought to ask about thyroid. And after I was diagnosed I found out my aunt suffers from it. I couldn't help but wonder why nobody thought to mention it to me sooner.
I want a better life. I feel like after dealing with this stuff for so long don't I deserve to live like normal people. Don't I deserve to play on a fair playing field? Don't I deserve to live without: fatigue, muscle aches, joint pain, migraines, shaky hands, dry hands and scalp, mood shifts, breathing difficulties, allergies, bloating, stomach cramps from constipation, and depression?
I sure hope I can find some answers to see what treatment works for me, and I hope this is just the beginning of the rest of my life. My children want a healthy mommy and I will do anything to be the best mom I can be no matter how I feel. I love you kiddos and I will get better for you and for me. I will also make you get tested every few years because i don't ever want you to go through what I have. This is a short version of what I have dealt with and most times thinking it was my fault for making myself feel all this pain/depression/anxiety. So, I need to work on building my self-esteem because it has damaged that as well. I've been embarrassed for a long time. I'm 27 years old and have problems like a 60 year old has. I want to live the young life I should.
God thank you for showing me the way. I know it was my life change that lead me to you fully, but I know it was no accident, and I will help carry out your plan for me.