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How do you know when

Jul 02, 2013 - 0 comments

It has been almost two years since my dx but when I think back my symptoms have been here for more than 10 years.  Just never put two and two together.  Four years ago my full time job went through a downturn and I lost almost half of my income so I got a part time job.  Well three years later I am still working that part time job so that I can keep my house and lately I have been thinking is it worth it.  I do this so that I can keep Jack my golden retriever.  I can't really walk him anymore so he needs a yard.  If I went into an apartment I would have to find another home for him and the thought of that brings tears to my eyes.  I could move to North Carolina and live with my parents but didn't want to do that unless it was a last resort.  Should I move on and have a better quality of life while I am still able to.  My mobility is usually the same but it seems like the bad days are equaling the good ones and I think it is because I am so exhausted.

So I am in a quandry......I have been looking for a new full time job that pays more or is closer to home so as to save on gas.  Or a part time job where I can work from home.  And then I have thoughts that maybe  Jack would be better off with a family with kids and a yard where he could run and play am I being selfish?  I know how devoted he is towards me but would he have a better life.........  So much to think about and so many decisions to make..

Hope that writing some of this down will help. So far just as confused but I will come back and re-read often and see if it helps.  

One year later

Dec 13, 2012 - 0 comments

One year ago I was dx'd with MS.  The day that changed how I look at all things regarding my life.  Am I better or worse than a year ago?  That is a tough question to answer.  Physically I think I am better.  PT has helped tremendously.  I feel I am more mobile perhaps others do not see it but I think I am.  My neuro feels I am stronger so that is a positive.  Still there are things I cannot do without difficulty and the holidays just point them out.  Going to mall, "running" errands.  Yeah I haven't RUN in years!  LOL  

Financially I am in a worse position.  This is not a cheap disease  - not that any disease is but Doctors, hospitals and prescriptions are pricey.  As well as trying to eat healthier and live a healthy life - all comes at a monetary cost.  I am now faced with the prospect of having to add 10 hours of work to my week due to another income loss -  Not looking forward to that but we do what we have to do to make ends meet.

So as I reflect on the past year I am more accepting of my dx - and still try and keep a positive outlook every day!


Time to reflect - 49 today.

Oct 17, 2012 - 1 comments

As today is my 49th birthday I am moved to reflect on the past and try and have hope for the future.  It has been almost a year since my dx but deep down  I knew 10 years ago that I had this disease.  Guess denial played a big part!  I have been good only minor flares nothing big and my MRI results one year out are good.  No new lesions and nothing active.  Just feel like my disability is increasing.  My right leg used to be the weak one now it is stronger than the left.  I work both of them equally but guess I need to concentrate on the left more.  I look at pictures from 5 -7 years ago from trips I have taken and it does put me in a melancholy mood.  I know that these are places and things I will never do again as I am just not as mobile.  Friends want to do the New York Christmas trip again and that just isn't a possibility for me anymore.  Makes me sad and wish for that old life.  I know that this is the "new" life and i have to adjust but sometimes it is hard.  For the most part I have the "this will not beat me"  attitude but on a day like today where I am a year older I feel like it is beating me.  I know fatigue plays a part and I am always exhausted but keep plugging away.  

I know that these feelings will pass they always do but they have hit me hard today and thought maybe putting it on paper would help.  So I will move forward another year older and try and keep going.  



Where has the time gone

May 23, 2012 - 0 comments

Somehow it has been over 4 months since I wrote here.  In that time I went on an awesome vacation, have made some great strides in PT, got rid of my AFO - thank you Bioness - and have been able to be more mobile.  My biggest goal is to be able to walk Jack, my golden retriever and am going to attempt that this weekend!~

I am trying to be as positive as I can and my Physical Therapist helps with that a bunch -  she will have me do something and when I can she just gives me that look of see I told you - you are getting better!  But it is such small strides it gets frustrating.  But I guess making any kind of improvement is better than none.  

The hardest part is the independence.  I am fiercely independent and I have to ask for more help which makes me nuts but in order to save strength for when I need it I ask.  Getting a wheelchair for the airport on my recent trip was one of the hardest things I have ever done -  aside from hearing the words "you have MS"  But  I did it and boy was it worth it.  I got home not exhausted and will do so in the future.  sometimes it DOES NOT pay to be stubborn!  I learned that the hard way -  Walked the airports on my way to vacation - never again!!!!

Now everyone I know wants me to go to every amusement park out there so that they can "pimp" me out for the front of the line on rides!  It is hysterical but laughter is a good thing!

Anyway needed to write some of this down.  Summer is here and hopefully the heat will not be too awful for me.  We shall see.  Taking this thing day by day and week by week, but I guess thats all we can do isn't it!