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Depressed and lost need advice

Dec 03, 2012 - 2 comments
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depressed

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Oxycontin

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Addiction

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Depression

,

Lost



Some of you may remember my posts from a while back when I was tapering off of methadone;  I am happy to say that I succesfully made it off of the methadone a few months back but unfortunately my addiction is far from over.

since then I have had only 30 days of sobriety and have had a few relapses that usually last no longer than 4 days at a time.  I am not in danger of a serious withdrawal yet but I just spent the weekend taking a lot of 80 MG Oxycontins and tried to detox sunday and today but ended up picking up 2 more 80's today.

I am losing hope the longer this addiction has a hold on my soul, I have been batting for over 5 years and have lost mroe than I care to admit due to my selfishness.  I have had a few times where I was doing so good, I would be clean for over a month and start working out and training for MMA again and start to really feel like myself again, only to be pushed back down with a relapse.

I have noticed a pattern with my relapses and it always revolves around women, I have a tendency to fall in love hard for a woman once I have made that decision I am very compassionate and loving and probably trust them too much.  It usually ends with me getting my heart broken and falling into a depression which usually results in me relapsing again and thus the cycle continues.

I have not been to any meetings in a while and I know that would help but I do not want to go to a meeting while I am high on Oxy, it wouldnt seem right and everyone would know that I am high.  

another problem is that I have nobody to talk to, this addiction is like a secret affair, always consuming my mind and all my thoughts and energy are surrounded by secrecy and lies.  I have become such an adept liar that sometimes I think I could almost believe my own lies just to make myself feel better, but deep down inside I am truly ashamed at the things I have done, I should not be living my life this way.  

I used to have dreams, hopes and aspirations;  I used to want to do something with my life and had confidence in myself.  Now life is just a never ending road of tribulation and pain,  I may find happiness in short breathes but soon the wind is knocked out of me and I end up laying flat on my back unable to get up for a while so I lock myself in my bedroom and sleep the days away in a deep depression.......This is not how I wanted to live my life,  this is not the father that my daughter deserves,  I am better than this.

I just wanted to write this post to share with someone, anyone, what I am going through.  It might feel nice knowing that other people out there know what I am going through and maybe other people out there have gone through similar things.

There is too much love left in my heart to give up yet, but the days are dark and nights cold,  I need something to hope for; a beacon to guide me out of this darkness and show the way to where my salvation lay.

Thanks for listening to my pathetic ramblings,  

God Bless

Sunday funday with Jazzyq

Jul 01, 2012 - 0 comments

I got Jazzy yesterday and we went to a party with my mom and had a blast, today she woke me up ready to go swimming so we went and played in the sandbox and on our neighbors water trampoline.  Shes got her own room now ans slepd most of the night in it last night I was so happy.  It only took her like maybe an hour to fall asleep after me and my mom both went in and rubbed her back and stuff.  
Last week I went down 5 mg and I think I am going to try another 5 this monday to get down to 30 mg/day of methadone.  I have been decent except for the fatigue and that is the worst just being so so tired all the time and falling asleep at work after Dosing in the AM or even in the afternoon.  I try to take enough caffeine but it still isnt enough sometimes.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel and I see myself growing closer everyday towards the person I want to become in life.  One day at a Time
~Nicholas Patrick~

Emotional Trials

Jun 27, 2012 - 1 comments

So last night I was talking with my daughters mother as we usually do because we have remained secret friends since her marriage and will always share a bond that nobody else will ever understand.  She admitted to me that She was having an affair before we broke up while I was in treatment.  For some reason this really struck me hard and I was really upset and did not know how to sort out my feeling at first but I was def angry but then the more I thought about why I was angery I was starting to become less angry.  

In our relationship at the end I had no clue she was cheating on me til the end when she left me for him within a day , within a week she was moved in, within 2 months they were having a child.  I was left with no choice but to move on.  I remember those days being very dark and the pills were the only thing that made me happy.  I was guilty because I felt everything was my fault, we originally broke up and ended it after I let her read my journals, with every single nasty detail, she is the only person ever to do so,  she could not accept the worst of my personality, all my lies, my secrets, manipulations, she saw into my mindset and saw how wrong she was about me.  I dont blame her for leaving, I dont blame her for having the affair, maybe I do Blame her, but either way it still happened and there is nothing I can do about it.  In the end I ask if what I have to show for it is worth the pain and betrayal and the answer is YES it was worth every tear, because in the end what gave me the strength to get help and become a better person was my babygirl, my Bambina Jazzlyn Renae.  She is the brightest little 3 yr old girl in the world and she melts my heart away with love.  I live for her now, not me.  I dont drink anymore, I am at the end of my methadone taper, I have bad habits still yes like everyone, I smoke pot still, but I dont know when I am stopping that , The methadone needs to come first.  It has been the best worst thing that has happened to me, it showed me the life of a legal methadone junkie, people that live their whole lives going to a clinic and becoming a number in a system that dispenses a ritualistic dose every day.  That dose becomes that persons life, some take taxies, some carpool.  People know why they are their and openly deal drugs around hallways in the clinic and in the parking lot.  some really want help but many are just taking advantage of a insurance provided drug abuse.  Some argue that its better than a heroin addiction, I would agree but that does not mean it is not a different animal of addiction all itself.  
Since I started my methadone program on Feb 17 I have not used or abused Ophiates less for one slip up where I found something in my dads car that I thought was an OC but that was a mistake obviously.   I know my habits, triggers, and know I cannot do this alone.  the cost of this knowlege was more than someone not addicted to drugs could ever know.  People openly nodd off and fall asleep at the clinic, they are so High they cannot function, they are walking zombies and ignore or dont realize it.  I was falling asleep at work everyday for 2-3 hours no joke, I would fall asleep in important business meetings with important people in my company, SLeep Apnea was how I got away with it.  I Do actually have it but I know that is not the real reason I was not able to fully perform my job.  The Methadone was the soul factor.  I gained 40 lbs and stopped working out, got depressed, never went out, came home every day I was on methadone and slept my life away, every day for almost three months.  Now I am down to 35 mgs and my outlook on life is feeling better than every before.

Its like finding out last night that I was not the soul cause of the destruction with my daughters mother and the void put in my family; she was just as guilty, it was her fault too.  She deserves to take half of my guilt and I believe she has.  She still struggles, my habits affected her too much for her not too, she drinks a lot from what I gather and still occasionally takes pills.  One time a couple years ago we mistakenly and by coincidence met each other in the same parking lot for waiting for the same dealer and both lied to each other about it.  I didnt know that til later when she decided to tell me she knew after I admitted one of my relapses to her.

Tomorrow brings more sunshine even if its raining

Down to 35 MG/day on Methadone

Jun 26, 2012 - 0 comments

So today was good and bad, good because I started going to the gym again and bad because I stepped on the scale. 225 lbs FML  I have gained over 40 lbs since starting the methadone program and cannot wait to be off of it, I am glad I am not on other opiates and not getting high everyday from my dose but I am still upset that I have let myself go this bad, I weighed this much 3 years ago and it took me over a year to get in good shape and get down to about 185 but in just 4 months I have gained it all back and then some........but I am motivated and I need to get back to where I want to be and that is in shape, fighting in MMA again and Drug free, that is what I want out of my next year in this world and what I plan on doing.    Today was the first step and I know that the finish line cant be crossed if you dont run the race.....its going to take hard work and I know it cannot be done without strength and repitition but I know I have what it takes and will not let myself slip any further into oblivion......until next time.......
~Nicholas Patrick~