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letter to heaven

Feb 10, 2014 - 0 comments

today is my moms birthday.  i miss her more and more as each day goes by.  my lifeis empty without her.  i loved her she was a special .  she will always be in my heart and mind.  but i cannot stop the tears.  i wantt so bad to join her.  but i think god would not let mee go toheaven if i did.  all my love to my most precious,mom

things get all messed for me.

Jan 23, 2014 - 9 comments










iwas sick all night last night a slept a little today.  still feel nauseated and have a little fever.Problems really get to me.  All the kids are coming up next week.  i was hoping he would still have a job.  probably lost it so he could follow jessica up here.  she goes in for pre op monday and surgery  tuesday. she has had this done before.I love them all so much.  but sometimes i dont feel like it. Having a house full of people saying  can we order a pizza and bar b que wings and cheese sticks?  some times they go get it and go to several places and they eat a lot.  but they look at me like we need money.  they give no change i think i got b$3.oo back once.  yay.  logan is going to bring some homework he said he wants to read to me.  so i guess i will be his teacher.  i kind of like that.  i just want to feel better. i know my acid reflux was bad last night.  does your nerves cause that to get worse?  Nothing seems to help my nerves and the doctor want give me anything else.  I feel like a fly caught in a spider web.  cant get out and no place to go if i do.  Tammy went to her gynocologist.  they took a chunk out to send off to see what is wrong.  she had a histerectomy years ago. she had c sections on all of them.  but she had them too close.  I sound like i am very selfish.  she needs her surgery and wants to go to the doctor who did her last surgery and delivered Logan.She wanted me to go to the doctor witth her.  we got there and she filled out the paper work.  she chacha she needs $100.00 now.   i got my check book out she said no checks.  so out comes the visa. she wrote all my information including my drivers license. i told her not to put anything else on my card without getting my permission first.  i did not like that.  i want to go far away and just think.  but dont have a stupid car.  I am so tired..  just need someone to talk to.  I really am sick and dont feel like talking.  if anyone wants to chat let me know.  i dont know how much more i can take.  i will be 74 in May.  charlene     mandy876  

i have a lot on my mind

Dec 03, 2013 - 26 comments

i am battling with my feelings right. now.  my niece has got to be nicer to me.  after all i have done for her and her daughter.  she thinks she helps me by living here free.  she cost a fortune. she tries to pay half of her kids presents.  she does her best, but hearing her gripe and complain about everything or just sit in her chair and stare at the tv. never talks goes gets her something to eat and never says a word.  i always say im getting me something do you want anything?  you cant be nice to her.  then if i remind her of something she says quit telling me what to do.  then i say they called last week they needed you to call back. she said ok.  then no more words for the day.  if i am sick and need my meds i have to put my robe on and ride with her. i dont have time to get dressed.  i dont know when and if i will get to go to the grocery store.  if i ask her to pick up something at walmarts where she works she just doesnt have time. what will i do for my groceries doctors and my meds.  i have no car. they have me blocked ina situation where i cant get out.  they think.  i am going to make some calls tomorrow.  i dont want to die here alone.  know one will know i am gone for a long time. no one ever checks.  any good ideas?  I have run out for now. mandy876

my depression is really acting up

Dec 02, 2013 - 0 comments

i had a good thanksgiving.but now i feel like everyone has left  me.  my  pills dont feel like they are working.  my headache is worse and i am sick at my stomach.  are you suppose to have flair ups after a big event.  i know i wish things were back when we were all a family.  i moss my family.  we were invited to go to my sis and bro in laws but my niece said no.  she heard me tell her daddy on the phone that we could not go the kids were coming. when she got up she said i told you we would go if you wanted to go.  but she did not.  she said the kids are coming and we would have more fun with them.  this would have been a way to bring the family back.  she will say one thing and turn it around on me.  that upsets me so much.  i dont like for someone to tell me different things and switch them around so she will tell every one it was me. i cant live like this any more.  her daughter said if they get a job up here they will need to live with us and cant pay rent. now i have to worry about that.  i wish i could just go away. alone. got to go need to have a good cry.  mandy876