Jan 25, 2012
I'm having such a hard time today. It's been building up for a while, and today it's all crumbling down.
Since late November my gallbladder has just gotten worse. Now its to the point where if there was ever any doubt from anyone I had a problem.. all they would have to do is look at the absurdly yellow color I leave in the toilet. And still I'm just somewhere on the damned waiting list. It's not causing me chronic pain so it's ok; nobody seems to care about constant diarrhea, bloating, and nausea. The surgeon said it's typically a 9 month waiting list unless I have several severe attacks or a major attack that causes a blockage. And do I get to know where I am on this list? F**** no. Ever day I run out to get the mail, praying that I will see a letter from the hospital. This letter will tell me I have 10 days to prepare myself before going under the knife. And let me tell you, I'm so ready to see this letter. I've barricaded myself in this house afraid to eat anywhere or have anyone besides me cook. When my husband's parents were over in December we went out to eat for my husbands graduation.. The grilled (white) fish was so spicy I had a gallbladder attack. A couple days later they wanted to take us out for brunch.. my egg white, non dairy omelet.. wasn't non dairy. It's to the point where it just causes massive anxiety to go anywhere because I can't trust someone else to prepare my food.
Anyway sometime in December is when the rest of my problems started piling on. I started taking naps. I never take naps. And no, I'm not pregnant. In fact there is very little chance of that as my sex drive has decreased to the point where I don't feel like me anymore. I have never had so little of a sex drive in my life and I just feel so guilty. I've thought that maybe it was because I was so tired, maybe it was because of my gallbladder. I mean I do have the tendency to pass out at the hint of so much as a cold. (I once slept for 24 hours almost straight because of a flu.) It just seems to be how my body deals with illness, because once I'm done sleeping, I'm better. Because of that it wouldn't be so weird to think maybe my gallbladder getting sick all the time is causing me to be tired and throwing off my sex drive. No, I've been tracking it and I'm tired 4/7 days, taking 2-3 naps at least once or twice a week (or 4.5 hours like today). I'm only getting gallbladder bloating, nausea, and vomiting 2/7 days. I don't know what's wrong. I'm getting my thyroid looked at the first week of February. If that comes back up, then I'll know. Although if it's normal, maybe I have some other new and exciting condition. Yay me.
Anywho after my 4 and a half hour sleep (it's a little too long to call it a nap) today I was feeling kind of depressed and emotional. I haven't been cleaning: the laundry, dishes, sweeping, and stuff is everywhere. I'm kind of a frantic cleaner with some OCD tendencies (especially in my kitchen) and it's just so frustrating not having the energy to clean like I want. I sit here looking at the sewing machine I took out a week ago, my gym bag from last night still out, the dishes from this morning still in the sink, and the floor in desperate need of a wash. It just makes me feel so disgusted and like such a failure. So yeah I made me some brownies today; brownies make the world go round. I put a lot of extra cocoa powder in them and peanut butter, can't forget peanut butter. (I love peanut butter so much I would eat it straight out of the jar if it wouldn't send me to the hospital in pain.) Then I got to spend about an hour snuggling with my hubby trying to convince him it's not his fault, I haven't been wanting sex. That poor man, "are you getting bored"? Totally did the girly thing and started crying. I love my husband so much and I just feel so guilty that I haven't been interested in sex or able to satisfy him. Not to mention, the handful of times I have been even vaguely interested in sex (3 times in the past 2 months), I was done with it not long after it started. I just feel so guilty and broken. Seriously I went from a marathon screamer to 5 minutes and I'm done, no more please. He's definitely feeling the strain, I just don't know what to do or tell him. He told me when we started dating never ever to fake an orgasm.. and if I can't fake it on the days I'm not really interested, there is no way he'd think I'm enjoying the sex (because I wouldn't be). You know, writing this out as tears are falling down my chocolate covered face, I'm starting to think PMS is adding on top of all of this as well. Lovely.