Rant /

I went into my dr clinic today (regular dr on 3 week holiday go figure) to talk to one of the dr's about anything else that could be making me feel like I do. My last appointment my dr suggested that I may have some malabsorption or am eating too little fat in my daily diet which is causing my main problem- fatigue. I've been tested for this that and the other thing so I wanted to ask- what if parasites? Personally they're the only thing I can think of although the only "symptoms" I have are bloating, nausea, cramping and the loose bm easily caused by my gallbladder. She said that it's just not common in Australia, in fact she's never had a patient with parasites so it's incredibly unlikely. My thyroid tsh is at 2 and my free t4 is normal (14. something out of I think 9-16 range?); so it can't be my thyroid. Vitamin D, calcium, iron, fasting blood sugar all normal.    

Finally I had her look at the a print up of my thyroid tracker. It doesn't look pretty, I feel like crap. This is the whole point- I'm trying to convince my dr's it's not a one off feeling. But because I spent what must be hours and hours checking boxes every single day I have no life and am far too stressed about my health. This is what's causing my problems- Stress. Damn you stress, if it weren't  for you my gallbladder, thyroid, cholesterol, blood pressure, and weight would be normal. Yeah no, doesn't work like that. Just because I'm now spending 5 minutes a day to write down how I felt, doesn't mean that I'm feeling magically worse. So I told her, I've been feeling these general symptoms long before I started tracking them and have in fact had to struggle with most of these symptoms most of my life. She then acted like it's ok, because feeling like crap is normal for me? What logic is this?

So her official diagnosis- until I get my gallbladder out it's pointless to test for malabsorption. Why prove something that is already causing me trouble -even if god forbid it pushes me up on the freaking waiting list. T minus 6-9 months more of feeling like this, gee how lovely. And as far as the cramping and weird period I had, as long as it's just as one off I'm ok. It told her, I was in a 100% monogamous relationship had previous std checks before this and she still rambled on about how it is unlikely but if I have my problems again that is what I should be tested for because they can be asymptomatic. Well then apparently they can be picked up in the pool because that's the only way I'd could ever be exposed to it. I don't think she trusts my monogamous relationship.

As far as my fatigue and other symptoms I'm supposed to ignore it. It's apparent to her that I'm anxious and overly stressed about my health, which I shouldn't be at such a young age. Congratulations to everyone under the age of 60 THERE IS OFFICIALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! *Pounds head against desk* She suggested counseling- because if I'm tracking how I feel every day and counting my calories there must be something wrong with me (that isn't physical). Finally she said that well maybe just trying to go out get exercise- umm problem exercise makes me really tired, I walked a km and needed a 4 hour nap. "Oh well are you sleeping well at night." "Yeah I'm averaging a good 9 hours a night and I feel rested, I just don't have any energy." "Well if you're sleeping soundly you shouldn't be tired." .... Exactly.

Anyway I'm going to try to stop worrying, because she says the stress is causing my problems and I should take up "an exercise routine with friends, and maybe go out and do 'girly stuff'". I was seriously dumbfounded when she said that. I walk in there in a T shirt (bought from the Men's section), jeans, and joggers. I have no make up on, no jewelry, and my hair is not fancy. Can someone define this "girly stuff" that this dr suggests I do? Because it's been absent from my life for the past 24 years and it is the key to being stress free.

Ok /rant.

Many women will get very jealous of me for this statement- I don't get cramps. Ok I do occasionally, but they're usually the first hour of my period, extremely mild, and then the go away. The last time I had cramps that lasted more than a day was in 2008/2009 they were still mild and only note worthy because I spent a final in awkward pain and ended up asking my TA for ibuprofen.

Anyways about 2 weeks ago in the middle of my cycle I started cramping and getting dizzy. (Now I really really shouldn't be pregnant; it's possible but very very unlikely.) Still they're not too bad of cramps- easy to sleep through, but I need a hot water bottle to get rid of the discomfort. Unfortunately my thyroid/diet/ gallbladder/ random x factor is also acting up so I've been having nausea, constipation, lethargy, fatigue, appetite problems (up and down), brain fog, mood swings, weight fluctuations, low sex drive and depression -for several months. So this cramping and dizziness are just added on top of everything else going on. Admittedly there's a lot wrong atm so it's hard to be certain they're period cramps especially when I don't usually get them. But that is what they feel like (at least from what I remember). Anywho the reason I'm concerned is I've felt this mild cramping and dizziness for 10 days, it stopped yesterday and started again. I'm still 3 days away from my period (and pay day when I can get a pregnancy test) and my husband want's me to see my dr. I don't think it's that serious, in high school I had a friend who would get violently ill before getting her period and this is nothing to my reaction to plan B. However this isn't normal for me. I mean ibprufen, paracetamol (tylenol), pepto bismul, buscopan all didn't work on the cramping, bloating, and nausea. Usually I take a couple paracetamol and I don't have to think about it again. However most women I know aren't like that and complain of more painful cramps.

Am I brushing something off that I shouldn't or is my husband being paranoid?

My grandma has terminal colon cancer. After 4 years of fighting she was told in May she had 3-6 months. She's still kicking, refuses to go down any way but kicking and screaming. But it just seems so unfair.

She has lived such a hard life. Her father raped her and her sisters from the time they were 6 until they moved out. She's had abusive marriages and suffered through depression and still just battles onward. Heck, when my grandpa was refusing counseling she told him "I may be 50, but I can start over again, I've done it before." That is one strong, stubborn lady! She went into the colonoscopy knowing she had cancer and because she put it off for so long, figuring it was just counting the days until the end. It's been 4 years, 3 operations, and about 3-4 bouts of chemo/radiation treatment. Through it all she's made jokes and just dealt with it. I mean I don't know where she gets the strength, but she's paid all her bills, and paid and organized her own funeral. That's not something many people have to think about in a realistic way- I'm going to die yes, but she had to go through a list with my mom: I want to be cremated, I don't want to be embalmed, I don't want to be resuscitated, etc.  And now.. she's in for the count. She spent most of last night vomiting, too weak to get off the floor of the bathroom.

I feel so torn. She's been there for us all. I mean when my mom had my siblings taken away she helped my mom realize that it wasn't her fault and she couldn't give me up for adoption. When my sister got out of rehab that lady set her S*** out straight and taught her how to be a grown up. Half of my childhood memories are with her, I can't imagine her just not being there anymore. And yet I kind of prayed she wouldn't get to this part. I never wanted her to have to battle with the pneumonia, chronic pain, or comatose like fatigue that's she's dealing with- I always hoped she would leave before this point. Is it wrong to pray for a merciful heart attack?

I think what's making all this harder is I can't be there for my family. My sister... I know she's strong but I worry every day that she would be tempted to use again. I don't want to loose her again to drugs; those years were a living hell. I can't be there for my munchkin, my poor baby niece isn't handling this well. And I mean who blames her, this is a violent death to see for a 12 year old. My grandpa, god. I love him but he can be a real idiot sometimes; he refuses to accept she's dying. She's in chronic pain, loosing weight left and right and not in any good way. There's tumors throughout her entire gut and has difficulty eating the smallest amounts of foods because of it. He won't deal with her death well and his only surviving family is out of state. That's only going to be harder on my sister and niece. He's really the only grandpa either of them know; Her father's dad died before she was born and our mom's dad passed away while she was still tweaking. She never really got to know him. And of course my mom? If anyone can match the strength and stubbornness of my grandma it's my mom. But when it comes down to it, she won't speak to anyone. She has no shoulder to cry on and nothing to step back to. Her step mom promised me to help bring her out of her shell, but I'm terrified she'll harm herself. Not physically but through diet. She's an emotional eater and already she's not doing well. She's borderline diabetic; actually I wouldn't be surprised to learn she IS diabetic. She has freakishly high cholesterol that isn't going down with her meds, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and is OVER 100 lbs overweight. It also doesn't help she lost her baby brother only 3 months ago- septic shock.

The past few months have just been hell on my family and I feel guilty because I want the pain to stop. I want to be there to take care of my family... but that would mean abandoning my husband and life here. Also we're already a thousand dollars in debt to my in-laws because they financed my ticket to the states in November so I could say good bye to my grandma. It would be completely selfish to fly out there again. I can't stop what's going to happen, I can't fix it. But right now. I'm not dealing with it well either. Honestly my heart is breaking and I'm angry at God for doing this. Her life has been filled with enough pain and suffering.  

I'm having such a hard time today. It's been building up for a while, and today it's all crumbling down.

Since late November my gallbladder has just gotten worse. Now its to the point where if there was ever any doubt from anyone I had a problem.. all they would have to do is look at the absurdly yellow color I leave in the toilet. And still I'm just somewhere on the damned waiting list. It's not causing me chronic pain so it's ok; nobody seems to care about constant diarrhea, bloating, and nausea. The surgeon said it's typically a 9 month waiting list unless I have several severe attacks or a major attack that causes a blockage. And do I get to know where I am on this list? F**** no. Ever day I run out to get the mail, praying that I will see a letter from the hospital. This letter will tell me I have 10 days to prepare myself before going under the knife. And let me tell you, I'm so ready to see this letter. I've barricaded myself in this house afraid to eat anywhere or have anyone besides me cook. When my husband's parents were over in December we went out to eat for my husbands graduation.. The grilled (white) fish was so spicy I had a gallbladder attack. A couple days later they wanted to take us out for brunch.. my egg white, non dairy omelet.. wasn't non dairy. It's to the point where it just causes massive anxiety to go anywhere because I can't trust someone else to prepare my food.

Anyway sometime in December is when the rest of my problems started piling on. I started taking naps. I never take naps. And no, I'm not pregnant. In fact there is very little chance of that as my sex drive has decreased to the point where I don't feel like me anymore. I have never had so little of a sex drive in my life and I just feel so guilty. I've thought that maybe it was because I was so tired, maybe it was because of my gallbladder. I mean I do have the tendency to pass out at the hint of so much as a cold. (I once slept for 24 hours almost straight because of a flu.) It just seems to be how my body deals with illness, because once I'm done sleeping, I'm better. Because of that it wouldn't be so weird to think maybe my gallbladder getting sick all the time is causing me to be tired and throwing off my sex drive. No, I've been tracking it and I'm tired 4/7 days, taking 2-3 naps at least once or twice a week (or 4.5 hours like today). I'm only getting gallbladder bloating, nausea, and vomiting 2/7 days. I don't know what's wrong. I'm getting my thyroid looked at the first week of February. If that comes back up, then I'll know. Although if it's normal, maybe I have some other new and exciting condition. Yay me.

Anywho after my 4 and a half hour sleep (it's a little too long to call it a nap) today I was feeling kind of depressed and emotional. I haven't been cleaning: the laundry, dishes, sweeping, and stuff is everywhere. I'm kind of a frantic cleaner with some OCD tendencies (especially in my kitchen) and it's just so frustrating not having the energy to clean like I want. I sit here looking at the sewing machine I took out a week ago, my gym bag from last night still out, the dishes from this morning still in the sink, and the floor in desperate need of a wash. It just makes me feel so disgusted and like such a failure. So yeah I made me some brownies today; brownies make the world go round. I put a lot of extra cocoa powder in them and peanut butter, can't forget peanut butter. (I love peanut butter so much I would eat it straight out of the jar if it wouldn't send me to the hospital in pain.) Then I got to spend about an hour snuggling with my hubby trying to convince him it's not his fault, I haven't been wanting sex. That poor man, "are you getting bored"? Totally did the girly thing and started crying. I love my husband so much and I just feel so guilty that I haven't been interested in sex or able to satisfy him. Not to mention, the handful of times I have been even vaguely interested in sex (3 times in the past 2 months), I was done with it not long after it started. I just feel so guilty and broken. Seriously I went from a marathon screamer to 5 minutes and I'm done, no more please. He's definitely feeling the strain, I just don't know what to do or tell him. He told me when we started dating never ever to fake an orgasm.. and if I can't fake it on the days I'm not really interested, there is no way he'd think I'm enjoying the sex (because I wouldn't be). You know, writing this out as tears are falling down my chocolate covered face, I'm starting to think PMS is adding on top of all of this as well. Lovely.