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The Pros and Cons List

Jul 16, 2014 - 0 comments
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I had written some of this list of pros and cons list of my addiction to codeine about a year ago, when I needed to visualise and understand to my self was there more cons then pros or will it be all good.

I've updated the list and it's a 20/3 cons to pros, and this is without thinking about it just want came to me. Just wanted to put it up help otherwise realise and keep on this sober path of real life..

Cons
Damage to health liver, kidneys, stomach
Not able to wake up on time for work
Will fail drug test if tested at work
Running out / supply
Constipated then diarrhea
Headaches

Withdrawals
-Runs
-No energy
-Sweats
-Hot & Cold
-leg pains
-sleeplessness for weeks +
-flu like sickness
-Days off work
-Depression
-Body aches

Feeling tired a lot of the time
Sweating increased
Not eating right
low concentration
itching
increased body temp (feeling hot while high)
Increasing dose to get some feeling
No lunch times or leisure time
Constant search for chemists
Work performance issues missing & forgetting things to action
Sore eyes in the evening & morning
Missing phone calls, forgetting to call family back for weeks
Costing money
Withdrawing from society and friends

Pros
Slight good feeling if having big enough
Thrill of obtaining it
Keeping withdrawals away

Day 6-7 sleep

Jul 16, 2014 - 0 comments

I want you back so badly sleep,  the no sleep is the worset out of the detox and the worset thing is not much sleep for the next few weeks are ahead, but just gotta worry about TODAY... Just for today I will be strong just for today I WILL NOT USE!!!

Day 5 today 15th July 2014

Jul 15, 2014 - 0 comments
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Well today have been eventful, I've seen my doctor and agreed it would be best to take this week off given all.

Yesterday was the first day of out the house went for lunch and then a movie, was a hurty but at least it made me feel tired. took a few carmers before bed and had about 2 hours sleep and rested unsuccessful the rest of the night.

I decided to call my mum and just update her as she was worried I was sick again, I haven't been able to full disclose my addiction and this is a step I need to work on.

However she had told me they were up with my Grandma in the emergency room due to a possible stroke or heart attack.

This freak me out some much, but I went into a range after the phone call looking for any addictive medicines I could find or had stashed everywhere, threw them down out rubbish shoot (24 stores down they ain't never coming back).

I went into this rage just because I felt so bad that I have so selflessly wasted time getting high and running from chemist to chemist that I hadn't even taken their phone calls or made a real effort to go see them (they living about a 2.5hrs flight) and If I wasn't using I could see them every month or even twice a month...

I'm feeling things and I'm actually enjoying It's been such a longtime I felt angry, Shameful and so upset at myself.... But not once didn't I think Lets take a pill to get rid of this, I actual want to feel the emotions and just understand that I need to keep them in check, so use some mindfulness training I knew to keep my head back down onto planet earth where I needed to go to the shop or do a few things, so I did that today, I went out side got lunch, did a bit of a shop and was a bit sore but Generally better than Friday ~ Monday.

I'm taking and dealing with it one day at a time, today day 5 I'm not using today.... I will do everything I can in my power to not use and god willing this will HAPPEN.....

Tomorrow that's tomorrow, no need to worry now!!

Step One

Jul 11, 2014 - 0 comments
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"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."

I believe that Admitting to everyone involved in my life that I AM AN ADDICT and am helpless over my addiction (as opposed to just myself) has hinder me to pusher further and has let me actually fall back into the same habits of active addiction to detox and then relapse. It's the shame factors that has kept me from doing it and my own attitude that if I want something to happen I will, I really am a doer, I just ended up putting them energy into the wrong thing.

So what different from the last time I was detoxing, well I have started to hate everything about what I was doing, spending a day or every afternoon going to each and every chemist I could find to get my pills (Codeine is OTC here in Australia FYI) I dont remeber the last time I was actual high and the weeks and ever months would just fly  by that it was so scary. I have been so withdrawn from my family and friend just as I couldn't even remember to call them on a weekend bases. I put strange priorities on my work to try and make sure I was always there and not taking any time off not looking after myself. I would take even more just to get through work.

THe last 2 or 3 months I have been since more weeks than not and that's not due to running out or detoxing it was a cold or virus, my body has become some worn out, I was so tired all the time.

It early this week that  I felt so physically sick as I was going to take my handfuls of pills and had a thought that I most likely would want to die then to keep living like this I can't stand it.. The other side of my addict brain thought well we can both be happy take more pills and you can die and I can be high for a bit WIN WIN hey..
Stupid idea but otherwise done, this way after that day on THursday I decided It's either a clean Ryan or a Dead Ryan, nothing in between.

So far 48 hours and I'm actual ready for the withdrawal but I think I'm also flu or cold sick as I had a cough on Thursday and has got worse and worse due to the the withdrawals.