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It's been too long

Apr 10, 2013 - 0 comments

I feel, like I do a lot, that I'm right on the edge of something huge. I know I've not been on here and almost a year, and that, honestly, has been a conscious decision of being afraid, exhausted, and unwilling once again to accept myself. I know it's unhealthy and unproductive to a great extent, but I just push those feelings under. It's getting easier all the time. The pretending and lying and just being completely ignorant of my self or "selves" or whatever I am. I'm in a place where there is no margin for error, no place to be weak or abnormal. There is no place for fixing myself or taking the time I need. There is only forward. ONLY forward. Only waking up and going through the motions with less than 0 motivation and just basing my current reality on the fact that sometime in the future, things will be better and I will have time for all this ****. I will have time to be human, to have feelings, to sulk and cry and scream and finally work things through.

As is, I am on pause. Feelings enter my heart/head and are instantly pushed away like a fleeting cloud on a windy day. The only thing that remains is emptiness, and the sickly sweet and worn-out phrases people tell themselves to supposedly feel better. That is all I have. That is all I am. I am not me. I am not a person. I am so many people and places and feelings. Most of which feel real in the moment. Others I know are contrived because I purposely become a fake person to be "nice." Yes I make friends sometimes simply because it is easier and less scary than making an enemy. I make friends sometimes because I think that at some point in the future, it might be beneficial to me, like an investment of sorts. I only truly feel friendship for a few people, and those few people are each friends with a different person. I'm slightly tailored for each person with a different cut or style, color or print, basically the same garment in some cases, completely different in others. Things are only what they are but also are defined by what they are not. But what if you are and aren't at the same time?

Counseling

Mar 23, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Counseling

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Life

,

meds

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personality

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identity crisis



Had a really insightful counseling session today. Talked about personality and identity things. I had no idea how crippled my identity is and how much I've been hiding from myself. It's really creepy, but makes me kinda proud of myself for being able to keep it together this much for this long. The meds are helping me to feel okay about life, just having terrified and depressed modes every once and a while now. I just can't wait til the sun comes out and happiness will then be so much more possible.

Mood Tracker

Blah

Mar 12, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Depression

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medication

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friends

,

dad

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ex-boyfriend

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Bipolar

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news



I don't know what to think. I saw the news story about the bi-polar flight attendant freaking out on the airplane and it really scares me. What if the scare associated means that people with emotional issues can't get a job? I know it's extreme; but when you apply to a job, most of the time you get a background check. I've been applying to a lot of jobs lately, and I'm terrified that the reason I'm not getting any calls back is because of my recent suicide attempt. Can they find things like that on a background check? I'm sure they could. It just scares me that maybe somehow potential employers would find out about my issues (I'd never tell them outright) and I wouldn't be hired. I'm under control at work. Always have been 99% of the time in public, I can fool the world and maybe not act like nothings wrong, but at least camouflage the deep depression and "borderline" stuff. And now I have medication that makes the better part of most days fairly pleasant. Admittedly, I probably wouldn't go into a psychotic rage on a day without my meds, but they'll always be a stigma to people with emotional disorders. I mean, what if a flight attendant had gone into anaphalactic shock or had a heart attack, perhaps got lightheaded or fainted because of low blood sugar. Those things would be fairly shocking, but where's the stipulation on that?? I'm just ranting here.

My days have been alright. I went home for at least part of my spring break. I'm not sure how long I'll stay. My parents have been great for the most part, but my dad is always a challenge. He got me crying harder than I have in a week or so when he saw that I was angry about my old car that's constantly malfunctioning (expensively so) and told me that I was "immature" and "couldn't control myself, and that's why you don't have any friends." It hurt. So unbelieveably bad. I've always been self-conscious because I don't make very many friends. It's not because I don't want to; I think a ton of people consider me friends. I just have to have a certain amount of trust and admiration for a person, over a long length of time, before I will consider a person a "friend." Until that point, they can text and message and email or even talk to me on the street, and I will gently tiptoe away or say I'm busy if they invite me to hang out. That is, until I feel comfortable enough, if that time ever comes. My brother and ex-fiancee, who were close friends, are extreme extroverts, always having what my mom calls an entourage, so living so close in their shadow was humiliating. I got good grades and always had a boyfriend. Not so much because I was lonely, but because I always needed approval and somebody who claimed they cared. I needed to be beautiful and perfect to somebody, because my dad was always finding fault in me, and if I wasn't the best, I'd never have a chance to make a living and be happy. I don't know where this is even going, just thinking and typing I suppose, but I'm sure it's good for something. I'll sign off for now.

Mood Tracker

Little Things Mean a Lot

Mar 09, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

getting better

,

Depression

,

ex-boyfriend

,

medication



The antidepressant must finally be "working." That must be what this is. I'm not sure. Things seem managable. Just that word in itself is magical; that anything at all seems conquerable was unimaginable such a short time ago. Nothing really changed. Just everything. I'm talking to people. Being friendly, not as shy. Have I been avoiding meeting my new neighbors still? Yes. But I've grappled with so many things I never thought were possible. I hope with all my heart that I'm finally on the right path. I know it won't always be perfect, just really grateful for this day. Every day. I have a pep in my step and sometimes just seem effervescent, not overjoyed, but just like happiness is bubbling up from inside of me and I want to share. It's the best feeling. It almost brings me to tears. If only I could resolve this ex-fiancee thing... but I know it's for a reason. Falling in love took time, and so will moving on. :/

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