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Counseling

Mar 23, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Counseling

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Life

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meds

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personality

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identity crisis



Had a really insightful counseling session today. Talked about personality and identity things. I had no idea how crippled my identity is and how much I've been hiding from myself. It's really creepy, but makes me kinda proud of myself for being able to keep it together this much for this long. The meds are helping me to feel okay about life, just having terrified and depressed modes every once and a while now. I just can't wait til the sun comes out and happiness will then be so much more possible.

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Blah

Mar 12, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Depression

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medication

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friends

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dad

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ex-boyfriend

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Bipolar

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news



I don't know what to think. I saw the news story about the bi-polar flight attendant freaking out on the airplane and it really scares me. What if the scare associated means that people with emotional issues can't get a job? I know it's extreme; but when you apply to a job, most of the time you get a background check. I've been applying to a lot of jobs lately, and I'm terrified that the reason I'm not getting any calls back is because of my recent suicide attempt. Can they find things like that on a background check? I'm sure they could. It just scares me that maybe somehow potential employers would find out about my issues (I'd never tell them outright) and I wouldn't be hired. I'm under control at work. Always have been 99% of the time in public, I can fool the world and maybe not act like nothings wrong, but at least camouflage the deep depression and "borderline" stuff. And now I have medication that makes the better part of most days fairly pleasant. Admittedly, I probably wouldn't go into a psychotic rage on a day without my meds, but they'll always be a stigma to people with emotional disorders. I mean, what if a flight attendant had gone into anaphalactic shock or had a heart attack, perhaps got lightheaded or fainted because of low blood sugar. Those things would be fairly shocking, but where's the stipulation on that?? I'm just ranting here.

My days have been alright. I went home for at least part of my spring break. I'm not sure how long I'll stay. My parents have been great for the most part, but my dad is always a challenge. He got me crying harder than I have in a week or so when he saw that I was angry about my old car that's constantly malfunctioning (expensively so) and told me that I was "immature" and "couldn't control myself, and that's why you don't have any friends." It hurt. So unbelieveably bad. I've always been self-conscious because I don't make very many friends. It's not because I don't want to; I think a ton of people consider me friends. I just have to have a certain amount of trust and admiration for a person, over a long length of time, before I will consider a person a "friend." Until that point, they can text and message and email or even talk to me on the street, and I will gently tiptoe away or say I'm busy if they invite me to hang out. That is, until I feel comfortable enough, if that time ever comes. My brother and ex-fiancee, who were close friends, are extreme extroverts, always having what my mom calls an entourage, so living so close in their shadow was humiliating. I got good grades and always had a boyfriend. Not so much because I was lonely, but because I always needed approval and somebody who claimed they cared. I needed to be beautiful and perfect to somebody, because my dad was always finding fault in me, and if I wasn't the best, I'd never have a chance to make a living and be happy. I don't know where this is even going, just thinking and typing I suppose, but I'm sure it's good for something. I'll sign off for now.

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Little Things Mean a Lot

Mar 09, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

getting better

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Depression

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ex-boyfriend

,

medication



The antidepressant must finally be "working." That must be what this is. I'm not sure. Things seem managable. Just that word in itself is magical; that anything at all seems conquerable was unimaginable such a short time ago. Nothing really changed. Just everything. I'm talking to people. Being friendly, not as shy. Have I been avoiding meeting my new neighbors still? Yes. But I've grappled with so many things I never thought were possible. I hope with all my heart that I'm finally on the right path. I know it won't always be perfect, just really grateful for this day. Every day. I have a pep in my step and sometimes just seem effervescent, not overjoyed, but just like happiness is bubbling up from inside of me and I want to share. It's the best feeling. It almost brings me to tears. If only I could resolve this ex-fiancee thing... but I know it's for a reason. Falling in love took time, and so will moving on. :/

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Anything But What's Nescessary

Mar 01, 2012 - 3 comments
Tags:

Depression

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homework

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stress

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ex-boyfriend

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self-doubt

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medical bills



Why can't I seem to do any school work? I can watch hours of TV, even shows I don't like much. I can bore myself to tears with games on my phone. I can read. I can go out and take a walk. I can take a drive. I can wander the mall. But the last thing I can do is my homework. I make up my mind to do it. And it's not like I do *nothing* productive with my time. I've applied for a new job, turned in forms to Verizon, made a lot of steps toward my move, packed up everything, ordered new checks... done so many things. Even written emails to professors explaining why I'm getting nothing done. Because I'm depressed. Because I broke up with a guy I thought would be my husband. Because I am going to move soon and it's stressful. But still I can't find the energy and commitment for the homework. I feel like the worst failure. I got a book I'm supposed to outline. It's sitting right next to me now! But instead of outlining, I'm whining online about how I can't do it. How pathetic can you get?

Oh, and my emergency room charges came from my insurance. What the hell am I gonna do about that...?

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