“Hopeless implies that at one time there was hope. And that's another word I don't understand. Hope only exists for people who have choices. [Zarek]
I think the hardest thing is knowing you're drowning but that there's nothing you can do about it. It's slowly killing me inside to be away from her, my growing 6 year old daughter. If a dementor was real I'd have no soul for it to kiss. The other thing is, it seems like everyone condemns me for my actions regarding her, when none of them are in my head or my heart. Not a single one of them is in my head or my heart to know just how much it aches to be so far from her, to know she's in her bed wondering why I'm not there once again. For the first time in pretty much ever I look at her picture and like always look away but it hurts more to take it down than to look. I don't know a lot of things right now. I don't know if I'll ever make any of it right, if she's lost to me, for how long? I hate myself for not fighting harder for her. But what can I do? Send letters that won't be opened? Call a billion times? I guess it'd make the case better, a case I still want to bring up. Mike asked me to wait but he's getting flooded, I could tell from the short talk we had today. I need to be proactive, remind my mother I'm not going away this time. True we might be moving to Houston but still, it's at least in this state. I don't really let myself think of her, pretty much fall back on old habits of forcing my mind to compartmentalize, think of something, anything else but her face. A few times I've let out a tear or two, but only with Dean. I never need to be strong with him, he always understands. Last time it was because I wondered if she misses me? If she thinks of me, wonders why I'm not there to greet her after she gets off the bus. I was remembering last week my pregnancy with her, when Mike and I had an argument because his parents wanted us to give her to an aunt of his. He wanted to, I didn't. I was selfish even then. I wanted her, I wanted something happy to come from the tragedy my life had become. I wanted hope, a new start. If I knew then how it would turn out to be now, I don't know if I would have said yes so readily and fought with him about it. I remembered holding her, being so scared when she was in the ICU, praying in the chapel for her to get well and come home with me. For someone who's only ever prayed willingly twice, that's saying a great deal. I don't feel I deserve any chance with her, second or otherwise. I remember thinking about giving her up for adoption and talking it over with Mike, before he was proved to be the father. She's this pure goodness I don't deserve to touch, because all I do is taint it further without meaning to. All I've ever tried to do was what I thought was right, how could it have gotten so screwed up so badly? Dean tries to convince me otherwise, having all this wonderful faith that it'll work out. But nothing he says can change the truth.
Moods through the day