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Update/Vent

Feb 20, 2013 - 0 comments

It's been a while since i've used medhelp, about three to four months. So to update on what's been going on, I'll let you in on some things. I'll still update, even if my friends don't use this anymore.

During December I started liking this one guy, he's really nice but is also really quiet. He's really smart, and really dorky. The thing is, another reason why I liked him is because he reminds me of the last guy I liked. However, it's not only because of that that I like him. Hell, I had a crush (on first sight) before I even decided to stop liking the other guy, before I even got to know who he was. He's super nice, and because of him I was able to rest easy. He's reached a high trust level, and I'd let him know if anything bothers me. Because of him, somehow, I was able to start sleeping really early, such as at nine. It was hard choosing between him and the other guy (that lives 500 mi away). After being neglected by the one that lives far away for far too long, I ended up choosing him. And by choosing him, everything became a lot easier. He was able to be favored out of the three of them, yes, there was a third one. Before this gets really confusing, I'll just tell you their names. I just feel really uncomfy, afraid that one of them will read this... So the person I currently like is Aizzer, the one who lives 500mi away is Kevin, and the third person is Sergio. Sergio is a sophomore and so is Kevin, Aizzer is a freshman and a really smart one. Anyways, I favored Aizzer out of the three of them, and i find that amazing. However, on Feb 13, a friend of mine asked Aizzer if he liked me (without my consent) and he told her that he only liked me as a friend. The possibilities that he could be lying, or it's possible for me to change his mind, they're slowly fading away from what I think is possible. I tried to stay positive, but it's too hard. When I heard the news, it was like my world fell apart. I was barely hanging on to reality when he came along, and he was my distraction. Once I realized that he didn't like me, reality hit me and I wasn't able to focus at all. But it made sense, I just fall for certain people far too quickly and he's only known me for about four months. However, that can't change the fact that reality struck me hard and I was unable to think straight. I had the urge to cut and die, the pain of reality and the world was too hard to bear. It wasn't a slow process of me letting him go, it was like just deciding to stop smoking after being addicted for so long. It hurt. When I got home that night, I cut. I already broke all the promises i made to never cut again, I think I broke it some time in January. I had a panic attack, i was freaking out. I cut and I was so upset with the world.

When he started talking to me, I was hanging on the edge. I had insomnia-like symptoms and I was a mess. I didn't sleep until 1am every night, regardless it being a school night or a weekend, even during vacation. Some nights, I didn't sleep at all. But now.. he was able to get me to sleep early, even before 10. But it's happening again, ever since i found out that he only likes me as a friend. I'm unwillingly sleeping at 11:40-12am and I'm breaking down almost every night again. Crying, silently screaming, over thinking. I was never meant to fight on my own was i..?

I'm afraid of losing him, as a friend, as a person. He's been my support, and if I lose him I'll fall. I was so close to breaking before he came along. It was hard to smile and be 'hyper me' in the mornings, and i couldn't focus. Almost nightly was I breaking down and crying and cursing myself, wondering why i was even born. Every night, every morning, every chance I got alone; I would be fighting myself. I couldn't take it, I was scared. What if everyone pitied me, what if everyone hates me. He was kind... but he was too kind...

He was so kind, he unintentionally got me to fall for him. He isn't what most people think is cute, and he isn't what most girls would go for. But I have a weird taste in guys, and I like the nice guys. And it's not that nice guys 'finish last', they don't. Sometimes, a lot of girls will fall for nice guys; but here's the thing... the guys are just being nice. The feelings aren't returned and they can become the source of the girls pain. Girls can be the same too, I'm not denying it. However, it's also hard to differentiate between kindness and flirtation.

It seems like him and I are drifting now, and I'm scared. I don't want him to disappear.
I'll bend and break.
I'll break and scream.
I'll scream and cry out for help.
I'll cut and fight and yell and hide.
I'll hide and hurt and tear

No one will hear me, and no one would be able to fix me

What scares me the most is, what's everyone going to think once I break?
Will I even be able to SHOW that I'm broken?
What's going to happen...?

Mood Tracker

Major update in my non-existent love life

Nov 03, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Love

,

vent



Okay so like, a while ago I was supposed to tell Kevin that I liked him. But I didn't, and I probably never will. Emphasis on the fact that I said that I LIKED him. Yeah, I ended up moving on. The thing is like, I highly doubt that Kevin actually did like me back. Also, even if he did, how would it work out between us? Would I actually be able to stay committed to someone who lives so far away from me? Would he? I wasn't even sure if he had a girlfriend or not..

I have a crush on this one guy, but I'm not comfy with saying who he is yet. Even though this journal won't be public yet, his nickname is Pikachu. I have the biggest crush on Pikachu, and I can't believe this happened. I met him during the 3rd week of school, but I only really started talking to him around 3 days ago to be honest.

Tuesday, during anime club, he came inside and I went up to him and asked for a hug. He said that he was upset, but heard that hugging a person helps gets rid of those negative feelings. So he hugged me, and it was like he was hanging on to me too. He put his head/chin on my shoulder and like pulled me close, and his hands were reaching up instead of wrapping around my body. I rested my head against his shoulder and let him hug me. It was like he was holding on to me too. We stayed like that for maybe 30-40 seconds, then he let go.

Yesterday was fun too, I saw him during lunch. It was when I actually started crushing on him. I saw him at the spot where I always hang out with my friends, snuck up behind him and poked him. It was the first time I actually had a conversation with him actually. He gave me a bunch of hugs actually. Best hugs ever. So first of all, I asked for a hug, and he like squeezed the life out of me. In return, I squeezed him even tighter. It continued like that, until he let me go. His height is pretty much perfect, because I go up to his shoulder actually. And when he hugs me, my head is like at the perfect spot every time. On the same day, Thursday, he asked for a hug. So I gave him one and he ended up picking me up. He even let me wear his jacket for a little bit. Then one last hug and I went to 3rd period.

Today was maybe one of the bests so far. So I found him during Nutrition Break, but I don't remember all that much. And then I found him walking after ELP, so I attacked him. I awkwardly side hugged him like I used to do to everyone, and we walked to the spot. On the way, we ran into Rachelle, and he said he finally got a hug from her after months. Then on our way to the spot, I was holding on to his bag instead. Maybe around 5-8 minutes later, I asked for a hug. Or he asked for a hug, I honestly don't remember. It was like a death hug, we hugged each other as tight as we could. It was to the point where we couldn't even let go of each other aha. Then we were finally able to get go of each other. What else do I remember, he gave me another hug. It was like the one from Tuesday, when he put his head on my shoulder and such. And I remember that I stole his jacket, and then after maybe 5-10 minutes he finally got it back from me. Then he hugged me and was like, "But I still give you a hug (:" and gave me another hug. Most of our hugs at school lasted about 20-40 seconds.

Now we're still talking about today, but after school. I got a couple friends to go with me to get some pizza, because I told Pikachu that I was gonna stalk him after school. But I really didn't feel like going alone, so I got them to go with me. We saw him, and we ate some pizza with him. Then they left me with him, knowing that I have a crush on him. So after they left, we just kept talking and I made him laugh with some pictures. He kept saying that he hated this one person, and I patted him on the head and told him it was okay. I wanted to hug him, a sincere hug, but I just patted his head and tried to make him laugh. Then we just kept talking about nothing in general, until we got to subject of drawing and styles of anime. Then he asked me to draw a some stuff for him, so I'm going to eventually. Then these guys didn't finish their Fanta Orange so they gave it to us. Then we ended up walking the same way, so he walked me home. While we were walking, we were talking about nothing and everything. He was like, "Whoa did I just find my twin?" and listed reasons why, and I was surprised at those reasons.

When we were walking down the road to the little playground across the street from my house, an ice cream truck was going down that street. We ran away from the evil ice cream truck! Then we stopped at the little playground and talked and stuff. He learned a little about my past, 3 years ago. I learned a bit more about him. It was already around 4:15 during that time, and he usually got picked up around 4:00. I was surprised, I was expecting him to actually stick with his schedule. So around 4:20, we decided to go. And it went like this basically:

Us: -walking off of playground, and splits paths-
Him: You better not stalk me
Me: Oh~? And what if I do? d:
Him: I'll know :P
Me: Hug??
Him: -holds arms out and starts walking back-
Me: -does same-
-He hugs me tightly and I do same, we let go, and start walking back-
Me: Bye~
Him: Bye c:

So yeah, that was basically 3 days in total. I left a lot out, because a lot should stay left out.

[POEM] Save Me

Oct 27, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

poem



I'm proud how much I've improved in my poetry, and this is a great way to compare. The first one was written on January 5, 2012, and the second one was written on October 27, 2012. The second one sounds like a continuation of the first one.

[Untitled]
Let it end
Let me fall
I reached for your hand
And you let go

I looked up at you
Your back is turned
I fall into the black abyss
My lesson learned

You let me fall
You didn't care
When I needed you the most
You weren't there

Don't give me your hand
Don't waste my time
I don't need your help
I'll be just fine

... I can save myself

[Save Me]

In this dark abyss, no light can be seen
Endless darkness fills my vision, nothing insight
Nothing to be heard. Nothing.
I see a spec of light ahead of me

My legs refuse to move, they feel too heavy
As I look down, shackles are what I see
The light gets farther and farther
I scream, but no sound comes out

I fall to my knees, crying. Hope and doubt circle around me.
Faster and faster they run, surrounding me with thoughts,
positive and negative. The winds get stronger, I see an opening above
I reach out, trying to break free, but they closed me off

In despair, I fall to my knees and cry in silence
A tornado of thoughts swirling around me, the only color I see
My head full of darkness, the blood-red tornado swirls
Causing up a deadly storm, which ends in despair

I have to save myself again, but again, how?
The tornado, closing in, speeds up faster and faster
A single crystal rolls down my face, a single rose appeared before me
I touched the rose, and it withered before my eyes

Hugging my knees, I sob to myself more and more
The clear crystals turning into bloody rose petals
The tornado, closing in, rose petals falling around me
I look up, to find them black, dead, withered

I stuck a finger into the tornado and winced in pain
The tornado was about to eat me whole, devour my existence
One last tear, and I look up and say to myself,
"Why dd no one try to save me....?"

Scenario 9 [Surprise!] Part 1

Sep 18, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

scenario

,

What is this

,

Love

,

Life

,

what's

,

that

,

homecoming



[I have unfinished scenarios, which is why this is #9, but I don't think I'm ever finishing them]

     I sighed as I sat in my English class, awaiting for the end of the school day to come. We were taking a test, vocabulary to be more precise, and there was only five minutes left. The room was full of silence, not even the clock dared to speak. Looking to my left, I saw that everyone was either: working on the quiz, writing random things, or texting. Leaning against the beige wall, I thought of nothing else to do but text some people.
     I turned my body twenty-five degrees clockwise, so I were to face the beige wall in front of me. I reached into my pocket, and slowly took my phone out. The time said that it was 2:38PM. Two more minutes of this silent hell, then freedom for two days. I looked at the top of my phone and saw that I had received a text, it was from Kevin.
     The text said, "I have surprise for you (:"
     I smiled and replied with, "Oh really? What is it? d:"
     A few seconds later, he texted back with, "You'll see really soon (:"
     Mrs. Brown got up and I quickly replied with, "Aha alright then~" and shoved my phone back into my pocket. She was telling everyone to pass up the quizzes and start packing up because the bell was going to ring soon. She came up to my row first, and headed down towards her desk. After collecting the papers, we all waited in anticipation to exit. The bell rang, but no one made a move. We finally learned that the bell does not dismiss us, not in her class. She smiled and said that we were able to leave, and I was the first one out.
     I quickly took my phone out, just because I enjoyed taking my phone out for no reason. I quickly changed my phone back on full blast and was heading towards the ASB, where I always go after school. I heard my phone go off as I got a text, and I quickly took my phone out and read the message. It was Kevin, he said, "Flagpoles are really great places to go to meet people if you get lost, don't you think?"
     I didn't understand it during then, and tried to think of a reply while I was walking towards the ASB. If you were unaware, the ASB is right across the flagpole and right next to the office. As usual, Nico and I were there before anyone else, besides Jordan. I forgot momentarily about what Kevin had texted me, until I saw the top of our flagpole and it reminded me of the text.When I started looking down the pole, because I was staring at the flag, I saw him.
     My heart was racing, I kept telling myself that he wasn't actually there. He was facing the front office, there were signs everywhere around the school homecoming. Then turned around to find me looking straight at him. He smiled and waved at me, and started walking over. None of my friends realized what was going on, until I decided to drop my stuff and run towards him. Of course, I raped hugged him. Although, he was able to take the impact of my running rape hug pretty well, very well to say.
     "There is no way that you're actually here," My ear was facing his chest and I was looking towards the library, I wasn't able to believe that he was actually here.
     "Oh, well then I must be your imagination," He laughed a little. "Then again, if I wasn't really here, how are you hugging me?"
     I let go and I went back to go get my stuff. He followed me back, looking at my friends and at the school. My friends were looking at me with a "what the hell" face. When I noticed that they were looking at me, I looked back at them.
     "What. It's not like I've never done that before," I had a sort of confused face on. "Why do you now choose to look at me like that."
     "No reason," Cassi replied. After a small pause, she said, "It's just been a while since you've been so happy to see someone that much."
     Julie was looking at Kevin, trying to remember if she's seen him around from somewhere. Nico was paying no attention to what was going on, he couldn't have cared less. Jordan was looking from Kevin to me, to Kevin, to me. I picked up my stuff and put my backpack back on. Kevin then tapped my shoulder and decided to whisper something in my ear. He had to bend down quite a bit, just to be able whisper into my ear.
     "Should we go now? I feel awkward being around all your friends actually, if that's fine with you." I couldn't blame him, you couldn't get used to my friends within just one day of being with them. Sometimes, it's just impossible to be able to get along with them at all.
     I nodded and I grabbed his arm and started dragging him towards the exit while the rest of my friends were waiting for Ariel and Darren. I waved bye and quickly turned and fastened my pace, dragging Kevin along with me.
He quickly matched my pace and we were walking quite fast. He laughed a little and we started slowing down, I ended up holding onto his arm how I hold on to Christian and Shaniqua's. Uh.. Like how a Koala holds on to a bamboo stick. We were going up the ramp to the bridge and loosened my grip around his arm.
     "Sorry for just dragging you away like that," I laughed under my breath.
     "It's fine it's fine," he smiled. "I'm just wondering why we're moving so fast, like, are we racing someone or something?"
     "They walk the same way, and I really don't like walking with Jordan," I sighed. We were halfway across the bridge and I heard bikes behind us. After I figured out who it was, I sighed and said under my breath, "Speaking of Jordan..." I got closer to Kevin and tightened my grip.
     I was right, and Jordan went right in front of us on 'his' bike and stopped right in front of us. Kevin and I stopped dead in our tracks. Then I tried to go around him, and he wouldn't allow it. It was hard to go around while holding on to Kevin, but I knew if I let go there was a better change of me getting caught. I sighed, I was about to let go of Kevin and try to trick Jordan; although, Kevin decided to talk instead.
     "What do you want? Can you not see that we're walking?" He noticed how I reacted to Jordan's presence, and knew I didn't want him there.
     "Who are you anyways? You just suddenly show up here and take Sarena?" He looked back at Kevin.
     I was about to open my mouth and say something, but Kevin continued. "I'm Kevin, that's all you need to know. What, is it bad if I decide to show up and surprise her?"
     I decided to let go of Kevin and go up to Jordan, slap him, and say, "What the f*ck Jordan. Why are you here. Don't you think that there's a reason I'm starting to walk with you guys less and less? Oh my God Jordan go away. Get the f*ck away. Can you not see that we're walking here?" I knew that wouldn't work, but it put him into a short daze while thinking about what I just said. I used that as my advantage and swiftly went around him, and Kevin caught on and got around him as well. Jordan noticed as soon as we got passed him, talk about a slow reacting, and started following us.
     I grabbed Kevin's wrist again and dragged him to the right, when we'd normally go left. I told him to run up the drain line and just keep going up. He went up first, and I followed. The hill was steep, but it was the fastest way up the hill. Also, Jordan would not have been able to bring his bike up that way. I was hoping that he wouldn't be able to catch up, so when we got to the top I looked down the hill to see where he was. He was near the end of the bridge, I guessed that he was waiting for the rest of the people.
     I laughed a little and dragged Kevin the rest of the way into my neighborhood, where Jordan or anyone else wouldn't be able to find us easily. We stopped at the little playground, climbed on top, and sat there. We were full of laughter for no reason. There was really nowhere else for us to go, and I doubted anyone would actually try to get me. Besides, I was right in front of my house, so there was no point. The cool winter air gave me the chills, I forgot to put a jacket on this morning because I woke up too late to even consider it.
     Kevin noticed and took off his light grey jacket, and came up behind me to put it on me. His jacket was so comfy, soft, and warm. I wrapped myself around it and smiled, he smiled too. Then he sat right in front of me and we talked about everything and about nothing. I was unsure if any of my friends passed by, possibly, but I'm not so sure. Then a certain topic came up, one that caught my attention: homecoming.
     He was talking about how nice homecoming is and how it's an event you probably wouldn't want to miss. He also talked about how he noticed all the fliers at school mentioning that homecoming was that day, and asked if I was planning on going. Hugging me knees, I look right at my knees and shook my head. I explained that I didn't want to go, since no one else wanted to go with me/be my date. Well actually, because I didn't want to ask anyone and nobody asked me.
     He sighed in relief, and I wondered why. "I thought that you'd already have somebody to go with, so I was really unsure of this but," he paused for a moment and said, " do you want to go to homecoming with me?"
     I looked at him in shock and then smiled. "Of course!" I said. I was so happy, and then I paused for a moment. "Wait, you don't go to my school, so how are you getting in?"
     He smiled at the ground and, "I talked to some people, pulled some strings, bent some rules, and I got in."
     I hugged him, and realized another thing. "What are you going to wear though, wait better yet, why are you down here?"
     He scratched the back of his head and smiled. "My cousin moved down here and we decided to stop by to say hi and help them move. They live by Hillsborough, can you believe it? My moms letting me 'go exploring' aha. My cousin probably has something for me to wear."
     "Oh okay," I smiled. Homecoming started at six and it was only four. "Do you want to go around places around here for a bit? I mean, guys have been banned from my house and all..."
     "Why?" Kevin asked out of pure curiosity.
     "Because Jordan, and how much my dad doesn't like him and doesn't trust him," I loathed Jordan. "My dad has banned guys from my house because I let them in in the morning, even after he said not to. But what else was I able to do? He was sleeping in the living room." I sighed and said, "Well, it doesn't matter now. I'll ask him again during my sophomore year."
     We both stood up and starting walking off the playground. As we were walking, we were talking about how fun homecoming would be. There were times where he would just pet my head. Standing side by side, I was barely up to his shoulder. Through all those laughs and playful hits, we passed by someone who was just standing at the corner of a building. I didn't pay any attention to the person at all, I was too busy messing around with Kevin.
     As we turned another corner, I asked Kevin if he could give me a piggy back ride. He said okay and crouched down and I jumped on. I felt someone was looking at me from the corner we just passed by, but I didn't have enough time to check. We were off to go look around the area around us and just spend probably the whole day together.