It's been a while since i've used medhelp, about three to four months. So to update on what's been going on, I'll let you in on some things. I'll still update, even if my friends don't use this anymore.

During December I started liking this one guy, he's really nice but is also really quiet. He's really smart, and really dorky. The thing is, another reason why I liked him is because he reminds me of the last guy I liked. However, it's not only because of that that I like him. Hell, I had a crush (on first sight) before I even decided to stop liking the other guy, before I even got to know who he was. He's super nice, and because of him I was able to rest easy. He's reached a high trust level, and I'd let him know if anything bothers me. Because of him, somehow, I was able to start sleeping really early, such as at nine. It was hard choosing between him and the other guy (that lives 500 mi away). After being neglected by the one that lives far away for far too long, I ended up choosing him. And by choosing him, everything became a lot easier. He was able to be favored out of the three of them, yes, there was a third one. Before this gets really confusing, I'll just tell you their names. I just feel really uncomfy, afraid that one of them will read this... So the person I currently like is Aizzer, the one who lives 500mi away is Kevin, and the third person is Sergio. Sergio is a sophomore and so is Kevin, Aizzer is a freshman and a really smart one. Anyways, I favored Aizzer out of the three of them, and i find that amazing. However, on Feb 13, a friend of mine asked Aizzer if he liked me (without my consent) and he told her that he only liked me as a friend. The possibilities that he could be lying, or it's possible for me to change his mind, they're slowly fading away from what I think is possible. I tried to stay positive, but it's too hard. When I heard the news, it was like my world fell apart. I was barely hanging on to reality when he came along, and he was my distraction. Once I realized that he didn't like me, reality hit me and I wasn't able to focus at all. But it made sense, I just fall for certain people far too quickly and he's only known me for about four months. However, that can't change the fact that reality struck me hard and I was unable to think straight. I had the urge to cut and die, the pain of reality and the world was too hard to bear. It wasn't a slow process of me letting him go, it was like just deciding to stop smoking after being addicted for so long. It hurt. When I got home that night, I cut. I already broke all the promises i made to never cut again, I think I broke it some time in January. I had a panic attack, i was freaking out. I cut and I was so upset with the world.

When he started talking to me, I was hanging on the edge. I had insomnia-like symptoms and I was a mess. I didn't sleep until 1am every night, regardless it being a school night or a weekend, even during vacation. Some nights, I didn't sleep at all. But now.. he was able to get me to sleep early, even before 10. But it's happening again, ever since i found out that he only likes me as a friend. I'm unwillingly sleeping at 11:40-12am and I'm breaking down almost every night again. Crying, silently screaming, over thinking. I was never meant to fight on my own was i..?

I'm afraid of losing him, as a friend, as a person. He's been my support, and if I lose him I'll fall. I was so close to breaking before he came along. It was hard to smile and be 'hyper me' in the mornings, and i couldn't focus. Almost nightly was I breaking down and crying and cursing myself, wondering why i was even born. Every night, every morning, every chance I got alone; I would be fighting myself. I couldn't take it, I was scared. What if everyone pitied me, what if everyone hates me. He was kind... but he was too kind...

He was so kind, he unintentionally got me to fall for him. He isn't what most people think is cute, and he isn't what most girls would go for. But I have a weird taste in guys, and I like the nice guys. And it's not that nice guys 'finish last', they don't. Sometimes, a lot of girls will fall for nice guys; but here's the thing... the guys are just being nice. The feelings aren't returned and they can become the source of the girls pain. Girls can be the same too, I'm not denying it. However, it's also hard to differentiate between kindness and flirtation.

It seems like him and I are drifting now, and I'm scared. I don't want him to disappear.
I'll bend and break.
I'll break and scream.
I'll scream and cry out for help.
I'll cut and fight and yell and hide.
I'll hide and hurt and tear

No one will hear me, and no one would be able to fix me

What scares me the most is, what's everyone going to think once I break?
Will I even be able to SHOW that I'm broken?
What's going to happen...?

Mood Tracker

*Warning* my subconscious wrote this to my of course, it could trigger something I don't know. This was a letter written to my by me. I'm pretty fcked up in the head.

[nothing is edited.]

Look at you, pathetic. You stupid good-for-nothing *****! Look! You couldn't save him and all you've been doing was hurting others! The only reason why nobody likes you is because you always hurt them! You're worthless, stupid. o you really think that they are actually your friends? No. They are laughing AT YOU NOT WITH YOU. Pathetic. Your friend is hurting and there is nothing you could do about it. All you ever do is whine to yourself. All of your friends think that you're stupid. They don't like you, they pity you. They think you'd be better off dead, yeah, dead. You're a waste of space, your own dad doesn't even care or know when you're home. The person you like will never like you back. Why? You're ugly, fat, stupid, hideous! No one will love you, even when you did have a boyfriend, he never was proud to be yours. He wasn't even yours to begin with. You were his second choice, his plan B. He used you. He never liked you. It's been years since the last time a guy has liked you, YEARS, and now he doesn't even wanna see you anymore. You waste of space, why can't you go die?! Piece of ****. You have always been alone, no one has been there. And you've hurt all the ones who have tried to help you. You ungrateful *****! You can't save anyone, you're useless in this world. None of your friends love you, your dad's side of the family doesn't even accept you. You've been neglecting your brothers and treat your mom like ****. Ungrateful daughter. They all HATE you. All those girls who laugh and look at you are laughing AT YOU and your HIDEOUS BODY. See those guys who looked over in your direction and started laughing? They were laughing about how UGLY AND LONELY you looked, no, you are. They've only used you Sarena, USING YOU. They're using you for their own selfish purposes! They don't actually like you! They hate you and how ******* annoying you are! So annoying! I should know how they hate you, because I hate you too, and I AM YOU! You're always telling yourself that you're happy, stop ******* lying to yourself. I ******* bet you that you wanna cut right now. Yeah, you'd enjoy that pain. That feeling of having that cool metal atop your skin, slowly cutting through your flesh and cutting into a vein. Then watching as your pure rich blood starts coming out of your arm. You miss that don't you.Yeah, you just wanna get your ******* ANYTHING and cut yourself. No one ever asked how you are. The last time you ever asked yourself, you were a ******* wreck. No none will notice if you leave, hell, no one would even care! You're a big ******* mess right now, you know. No one wants to hear you ******* whine about how your mommy and daddy never gave you attention as a  kid. They don't wanna hear about how your mommy never thought that you looked beautiful. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THE BET YOUR MOM MADE ABOUT YOU NEVER GETTING A BOYFRIEND. NOBODY GIVES A **** ABOUT YOU NOT EVEN YOUR OWN PARENTS. NOBODY WILL LOVE YOU. NO ONE ******* DOES. I HAVE TO GIVE YOU PROPS THOUGH, YOU'RE SO GOOD AT ACTING YOU EVEN FOLL YOURSELF. Now how about you go back to your ******* world where everyone laughs at you and beats you up. That's where you belong anyways. You being in the world where nobody likes you, where everyone hates you. NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU SARENA. NOBODY EVEN ******* CARES ABOUT HOW ****** UP YOU ARE IN THE HEAD. YOUR DAD OFFERED YOU THERAPY, HE THINKS YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. No one can help you Sarena, because you don't have issues with the world, you're just a ****** up little girl who always talks to herself. Nobody wants you, you don't need love. You're falling in love with a fictional character because you KNOW YOU CAN'T GET A REAL BOYFRIEND THAT YOU WANT. YOU CAN NEVER FER YOUR 'PERFECT MAN'. OH? you don't wanna hear anymore of the truth? Yes, the truth. Go curl up and ******* die you waste of space. Cut your wrists, slit your throat. Overdose yourself on pills. Suffocate yourself. Anything! You are really wasting people's time, you're a waste of time. Just die, please, for everyone else's sake. No, don't do that butterfly crap. Just cut, will it matter? You won't see anyone until Friday! Yeah see! It won't be that bad. Yes, get the cutter. Yes. Grab that **** and [something] cut your skin. Yes, you'd enjoy it. Just do it Sarena, no one will know. You don't have to tell anyone. You want it Sarena. YOU NEED IT. YOU NEED TO CUT YOURSELF. THAT FEEL OF THE BLADE OVER YOUR SKIN GIVES YOU THE CHILLS? GREAT. NOW START DIGGING INTO YOUR ARM. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW DEEP. OR SEE? ALL YOU DID WAS RUN THE BLADE OVER YOUR ARM A LITTLE BIT, YOU JUST WANT MORE HUH. *****. YOU WANT MORE? DO IT. CUT. No one will know and no one will care. Hah, you know what's so funny? You're still asking for help anyways. No one will come.
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Oh ho ho yes guys, that's those are the voices speaking to me in my head. Although, it's been quite a while since they talked about CUTTING and SUICIDE. I'm very surprised. Usually, it'd be about like running away or something, but this time, i don't even know WHAT HAPPENED. They just wouldn't stop talking. They just wouldn't... Well, she just wouldn't, since it was only one voice, you know, my subconscious. -sigh- I'm fcked up in the head. And to my friends that read this, since you guys are probably the only ones who are going to read it haha, I'm fine i guess. It shouldn't happen again. I don't know, but it shouldn't.

Mood Tracker

Today was full of so much fun. (MASH AHAHAHA). After school some friends and I stopped by 'skateboards' house and ate/drank some food. Then we went to the park next to 'shoes' house and waited for him to do his chores. While we were waiting, Steve made me chase him around for like 10 minutes. Steve, why you gotta be like that. You know I couldn't catch you today 'cause of what I was wearing xD.

Me: asdfghjkl;' you know I can't catch you! This is why you're doing this!!
Steve: Noo you can catch me, you caught me like two weeks ago
Me: You're so mean
Steve: haha but this is fun, being chased
Me: But you know I can't catch you!
Steve: We're playing tag~
Me: no, we're playing fag* :P
-and we continue to run around-

'Skateboard' left us since he had to take our guest to her house because the 'ocean' couldn't wait much longer. Soon, about 20 minutes later, 'shoes' came back and Steve also came back with his bike. And then we left our area and went to a whole different park and started to climb on it (SINCE THAT'S WHAT THE STRUCTURE WAS BASICALLY MADE FOR) and we were spinning in one of those evil spinny chair things with a tilt just to add the dizziness. After like, an hour at the park, we finally met up again with 'skateboard' at a different park across the damn street then we went to our guest's house! Over there we were singing/rapping Linkin Park, biking around the block, skating? We ate pizza (cannibalism 'ocean' ;D) and yeah. THEN WE ALL HAD TO LEAVE BECAUSE NONE OF OUR PARENTS KNEW THAT WE WERE OUT AND SHIZ.
My parent's didn't care that i was out and didn't check in T.T They didn't even say anything when I came inside. Silly parents, Y U NO TALK TO ME.

*fag is a game 'Unicorn' and I created a year ago. It's like tag, but you hit the person and call them a fag. The unicorn no longer plays, but Steve still wants to.

PS- Steve, why you gotta be like that man. I was able to catch you last year because we were the same height. Maybe two weeks ago I was able to catch you because reasons. You know I can't catch you man, not with the shoes I wear now -3-
PSS- OCEAN. I KNOW YOU LIKE THEM SHOES.

Mood Tracker

Even though I didn't really do anything good for my mom... haha. I don't know why, but today was a pretty good day compared to others. I don't know, it's not because it was Mothers Day and I should've been happy. I mean, yeah I was really irritated a lot today because of my brother, but I didn't really feel less than good. And it was a good morning, waking up to a text from my crush... Maybe that's what put me in a good mood, even if we only had a 30 minute conversation.

Mood Tracker