It's been a while since i've used medhelp, about three to four months. So to update on what's been going on, I'll let you in on some things. I'll still update, even if my friends don't use this anymore.
During December I started liking this one guy, he's really nice but is also really quiet. He's really smart, and really dorky. The thing is, another reason why I liked him is because he reminds me of the last guy I liked. However, it's not only because of that that I like him. Hell, I had a crush (on first sight) before I even decided to stop liking the other guy, before I even got to know who he was. He's super nice, and because of him I was able to rest easy. He's reached a high trust level, and I'd let him know if anything bothers me. Because of him, somehow, I was able to start sleeping really early, such as at nine. It was hard choosing between him and the other guy (that lives 500 mi away). After being neglected by the one that lives far away for far too long, I ended up choosing him. And by choosing him, everything became a lot easier. He was able to be favored out of the three of them, yes, there was a third one. Before this gets really confusing, I'll just tell you their names. I just feel really uncomfy, afraid that one of them will read this... So the person I currently like is Aizzer, the one who lives 500mi away is Kevin, and the third person is Sergio. Sergio is a sophomore and so is Kevin, Aizzer is a freshman and a really smart one. Anyways, I favored Aizzer out of the three of them, and i find that amazing. However, on Feb 13, a friend of mine asked Aizzer if he liked me (without my consent) and he told her that he only liked me as a friend. The possibilities that he could be lying, or it's possible for me to change his mind, they're slowly fading away from what I think is possible. I tried to stay positive, but it's too hard. When I heard the news, it was like my world fell apart. I was barely hanging on to reality when he came along, and he was my distraction. Once I realized that he didn't like me, reality hit me and I wasn't able to focus at all. But it made sense, I just fall for certain people far too quickly and he's only known me for about four months. However, that can't change the fact that reality struck me hard and I was unable to think straight. I had the urge to cut and die, the pain of reality and the world was too hard to bear. It wasn't a slow process of me letting him go, it was like just deciding to stop smoking after being addicted for so long. It hurt. When I got home that night, I cut. I already broke all the promises i made to never cut again, I think I broke it some time in January. I had a panic attack, i was freaking out. I cut and I was so upset with the world.
When he started talking to me, I was hanging on the edge. I had insomnia-like symptoms and I was a mess. I didn't sleep until 1am every night, regardless it being a school night or a weekend, even during vacation. Some nights, I didn't sleep at all. But now.. he was able to get me to sleep early, even before 10. But it's happening again, ever since i found out that he only likes me as a friend. I'm unwillingly sleeping at 11:40-12am and I'm breaking down almost every night again. Crying, silently screaming, over thinking. I was never meant to fight on my own was i..?
I'm afraid of losing him, as a friend, as a person. He's been my support, and if I lose him I'll fall. I was so close to breaking before he came along. It was hard to smile and be 'hyper me' in the mornings, and i couldn't focus. Almost nightly was I breaking down and crying and cursing myself, wondering why i was even born. Every night, every morning, every chance I got alone; I would be fighting myself. I couldn't take it, I was scared. What if everyone pitied me, what if everyone hates me. He was kind... but he was too kind...
He was so kind, he unintentionally got me to fall for him. He isn't what most people think is cute, and he isn't what most girls would go for. But I have a weird taste in guys, and I like the nice guys. And it's not that nice guys 'finish last', they don't. Sometimes, a lot of girls will fall for nice guys; but here's the thing... the guys are just being nice. The feelings aren't returned and they can become the source of the girls pain. Girls can be the same too, I'm not denying it. However, it's also hard to differentiate between kindness and flirtation.
It seems like him and I are drifting now, and I'm scared. I don't want him to disappear.
I'll bend and break.
I'll break and scream.
I'll scream and cry out for help.
I'll cut and fight and yell and hide.
I'll hide and hurt and tear
No one will hear me, and no one would be able to fix me
What scares me the most is, what's everyone going to think once I break?
Will I even be able to SHOW that I'm broken?
What's going to happen...?