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Lost

May 06, 2012 - 2 comments
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Depression



Okay, I don't know where to start. I signed up on this website as my last attempt to get some help. I tried writing a blog and posting about all of my worries on there, but nobody comments, I doubt anybody even reads.
I am nearly seventeen years old, and I am truly lost. I know it may sound funny, yes, I am young and I am in puberty. But I also know that many people around me are a lot happier than I am.
I have been feeling upset continuously for a few years now, I moved into a different country nearly 6 years ago. 24 hour flight away from my old friends, my grandparents, my home. I moved from a town to a farm. A farm where the closest neighbour was 10 km away from our house. A drive to go into town for shopping took forever it seemed. 80 km to buy some food, 80 km to see people. Not that I had any people to see, I was 11, and my mum sent me to a country school, it was also about 60 km out of town, but only 30 km from our home. 48 students they had. I was in grade 5, end of grade 5. and 5 people in my grade. I was so excited to start there, to be in a different country, to start at a new school, to be with such a small number of people. I imagined it to be friendly, fun, perfect. Little did I know, this school not only wrecked the rest of my primary school years, it took all of my self esteem as well as the happiness of my future.
At first, most people thought it was 'cool' to have a girl from a different country at the school. Everyone was nice, everyone wanted to show me around. It went so well, I even had my first sleepover after a couple of months, with two girls. One of them was in my grade, and the other one in the grade below us, they were best friends and had asked me to join their BBQ and sleepover. All went well, it went perfect actually, not that I understood half of what they were saying, but we didn't need to talk, we went swimming, fed the horses, played in the yard. Until we went to sleep, or planned to go to sleep. The original idea was to go sleep in a caravan outside, the caravan had one double bed and one single. The girl who's house we were staying at chose to sleep with me on the double, and her asked her best friend to sleep on the single. She didn't want to, she said I should sleep there, as the two best friends can't be separated. I won't drag on with the story, and I really can't too much, as I had no idea what they were saying for most of it.
Anyway, from that day on, school was hell. The girl in my grade, wherever she saw me, gave me look which I cannot describe. A look that soon enough put me into tears every time.
She talked about me non stop, so did everyone else. They made fun of me, the way I spoke, the way I had to walk around with a dictionary to translate meanings.
At lunch, I sat alone, in class, I sat alone, at sport, I stayed far away from everyone.
My grades became good, and after about a year, my English had improved so much, I was getting better grades than two of the kids in my own grade. All I did was school work, as I had no friends, no social life.
But as my grades became better, the hating became stronger.
One day, I walked down the stairs to the lunch area, the girls were waiting for me, they blocked my way, they swore at me, told me to go back to my own country, told me I do not belong here, laughed and left.
There was not one day at school where I could hold back my tears, I had become so weak. I sat near the teachers, all the time. It was the only safe place. My mum knew what was going on, I would sit at home, on the dinner table, she'd ask me how school was, and I start crying, she drives me to the bus stop in the morning, I see the bus coming, I start crying. WHY? Why did you no stop this? Why did I not get sent to another school in town?
All I got told was to stop being a sook and to stick up for myself.
Sometimes she would ask me if I want to stay home, but I couldn't. If I stay home, I would not know what they are saying about me. The year went on, it was always the same, and when it was finally time to go to High School, I was so happy. I knew this would be a new start. I would be in town, many kids, friends. There would be someone that'd like me.
And there was, I made a best friend, a friend which stayed by my side in grade 7, 8 and start of 9. There were bad times in those years, but only cause of constant fighting with my mother. She would always put me down, for everything I do. It had swapped things around, instead of hating school, I hated home. I hated weekends, being at home. Or public holidays. I hated every minute of being at home with my family.
Since school was better, my grades became worse, I failed a couple of exams, and was longer one of the best. But I didn't even care, I had friends. Throughout the years, I gained respect, and at the end of grade 8, everyone liked me,(well, everyone that I needed to like me) I could walk through the school comfortably.
Within those years I went overseas a couple times, visiting home. And it always seemed like that that was where I belong, but since mum had found a new husband here, I had no chance of going back. She liked it here, and so did my sisters.
She liked everything but where we lived, and because my mother gets everything she wants, we moved. 10 hour drive from our old home. 10 hours away from the farm, and 10 hours away from my best friend.
We moved to a big town, its probably even a city. A few high schools, a few primary schools.
My mum enrolled me in a private school, the most expensive one, and definitely the most beautiful one. Wow, I wrote so much, I'm going on about nothing.. I will try and make it shorter, I skipped grade 9, and started my new school in grade 10, it felt as though I was back in grade 5/6. I don't know if it was worse, or just different, there was not one person which made everyone hate me like in primary school, now it was about boys, and all girls hated me.
and when I say hate, I mean it. That whole year, I did nothing but make mistakes, I wont list them, and they are quiet minor, like sneaking out to a party. I did not drink, or have sex like all the other girls in my grade, but that's not what went around, I was called a ****, because I play soccer and talk to boys. I stopped playing soccer and stayed away from everyone, and went back to being alone all the time and having no hobbies. It was a horrible year, so so many rumours went around, I could write a book if I listed them all.
So for grade eleven I decided to change schools, cause on my bus I had made a couple of friends with people from a Catholic school, I'm not religious at all, but I'm baptised, and Catholic, so I was allowed to apply. Excited for a new school year I was, two years left at school, and I was sure they were going to be great at my new school.
Nothing. I did make friends, fake friends. I had a couple of boyfriends in garde ten, and one of them was to be the new boyfriend of a girl in my grade at the Catholic school. How was I suppose to know that I was not allowed to talk to him anymore, according to her. She was popular, and with that, made me unpopular right away.
It was a bad school year, I failed most classes, got talked about everywhere, I am nearly 17 and I still bite my fingernails.
I did not tell me mum what was happening at school, because she has made everything worse, we continuously had fights. And luckily, my grandparents back home had their Diamond wedding anniversary. I flew over as a surprise for them, and I stayed over there for six months. I went to school there, made friends and felt home. I was with my grandparents, and away from my mum, my step dad and sisters. I know it sounds bad, but it's the only time I feel happy. Not once, in those six months was I homesick. End of January this year I came back, my mother picked me up from the Airport, the first thing she did was get loud while asking why I'm not looking at her properly, I had just been awake for over 30 hours, been on a plane for over 20 hours, why can she not just leave me alone?
Things didn't get better. I'm back at school, nobody missed me, and nothing has changed. Same people ignore me, same people talk about me, same people hate me, and same people don't know me.
I am now in grade 12, this is my final school year, and I am failing, I am failing at everything.
I have no friends, boys play me over because they can, they know I am desperate for someone to love me. But I can't find anyone. I don't want to sound stuck up, but all the boys like me, and that's why the girls hate me, and that's why I hate myself. I hate myself so much, that a guy can tell me a hundred times how beautiful I am, I will still feel ugly. I have not had sex, and I will not. I will not let any of the rumours come true, as I am not a ****. And I will become ugly, if that's what I have to do to get friends. I hate my home, those continuous fights with my family, and I didn't even write about why I am so unhappy at home. But that's another story.
In conclusion, I am lost. I don't want to live anymore, and I don't know what I'm living for,
I cry myself to sleep most nights, and all day everyday I feel lonely and sad. I look for fights, I ask for them, I take things the wrong way, when I know that people didn't mean it like that. Then I get upset, and they get angry, and once again, I am alone.