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feeling like I'm the one who caused it.

Aug 01, 2013 - 4 comments
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hurt feelings

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Hirschsprung's Disease

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Hypothyroidism

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Anxiety

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Pregnancy

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Pain

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Baby

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caused



Today I got what you could say "was a hard kick in the balls". I found out my thyroid is low and probably has been since last year.  That aha moment hit as soon as the nurse said them words. If the doctors would have tested me last year, my LO Desha would not have went through all the pain and suffering that she has been feeling since she was born. 1. The explanation on why I miscarried with the baby right before. 2. Their is an association between hieschsprungs disease and hypothyroidism during pregnancy. 3. The headaches 4. Loss of memory (short, fuzzy thinking)5. acting without knowing 6. Anxiety. I feel horrible that when they asked I said I never tested positive , so they never checked. I feel like a bad mom I could have prevented so much. I love my LO and would have done everything to protect her if I had the knowledge.

Desha Jean Miller (2/19/2013) NICU Journey

Feb 22, 2013 - 6 comments
Tags:

NICU

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family

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child

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biopsy



687874?1361887981
**Will try and update daily**

Entry 2/21/2013: Today we are finally getting some answers for the concerns we have been asking Woodwinds to observe that didn't seem normal. Since she was born she had not produced a bowel movement and also stoped taking a bottle and breast 2/20/2013 2:30 AM. It took until we received a new pediatrician and tour discharge day for them to show any concern. So she was transferred to Children's hospital NICU in Saint Paul. So I guess this is were my LO's journey in life will start.

Update 2/22/2013: They didn't move forward with the second contrast enema. Instead they opted for a second opinion. The new radiologist suspects that Desha has "hirschsprung disease". De-Angelo and I are devastated. The bright side is since they caught it early enough if this is what they suspect then there is a great out come once the surgeries are performed. The biopsy that will be performed will be the determination. Please keep my LO and family in your prayers.

Update 2/23/2013: So today Desha was able to pass more stool, was very active and had lots of fits since she was hungry. We found out the results of her biopsy which confirms that she has hirschsprung disease. This breaks my heart but also relieves it at the same time because now we can start the process of making her better. Things like this are nothing a parent ever wants to hear or happen to the LO. She will be going for surgery at 10 AM tomorrow morning to attempt taking out the part of the colon which doesn't have the nerves needed to pass a bowel movement and reconnecting the other end to it which will have the nerves. Wish us luck!!

Update 2/24/2013: Day 1: The count down until her big surgery is almost over. A most an hour away the anxiety of waiting on the surgeon alone to come in and discuss the plan is just as intense. Desha mommy and daddy will be praying even harder today for you and hoping for a fast recovery. If everything looks good and its only a small portion she may not need a stoma. Fingers crossed. PMy second biggest moment of the day: They let me hold and rock Desha. #AllSmiles

Update #2 Day 1: Desha's surgery went great. It took about 45 mins to 1 hour after they got her to sleep. If everything goes right we should be out of here in no time. The next surgery will be in. 3-4 months then we can stay away from hospitals for awhile. Today should be a pretty calm day as she will be sleeping for the majority of it.

Update 2/25/2013: Day 2: So a recap of how last night would be great. Desha pretty much slept but woke up for about a half hour. Sh eras very calm and relaxed. Part of it may be due to the pain meds but let's just say it was a huge relief.

UPDATE #2: Day 2: 2/25/2013:
This little one is already passing another milestone on her recovery. They said this morning that it would still be a couple of days until she can't eat. But to much surprise this one was ready today. Mommy is so proud of you Desha. At this rate will be home, cuddling with Miss Mer in no time. :o)

Update Day 3: 2/26/2013:Woke up this morning to one of the doctors coming into the room. Desha's stoma changed colors from a red dark pink to a darker pink maroon. I'm scared / nervous. The progress looked very promising.


Ready (vent)

Feb 10, 2013 - 3 comments
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ready

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vent

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Pregnancy



So, I am 3 days away for being in the single digits. But, I have been completely ready since last week to end this pregnancy journey. Physically my body is exhausted from all the contracting, sleepless nights even with the help of prescription sleeping medication. I'm to the point were getting out of the bed is a hard ridden task: I can feel every muscle and tension ache within my stomach and uterus just pull and its agonizing just to stand up normal. I know she's better of still cooking but I'm scared right now that when it does become time I will not have the strength to push or handle the more intense contractions. I'm just happy that I do not have much longer even if she's waits until due date or past its still litterally within a weeks or two grasp. 12 days to go untill d day

Vent  36 weeks 2 days

Jan 26, 2013 - 4 comments
Tags:

vent

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36 weeks

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Pregnancy

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Baby

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daughter



The baby's father came over for about and hour and just left. He said 9 years was to long and he wants something younger. (I'm only 23) My heart is broken but mostly for my kids. He said he has been seeing this girl for a while now that's still in high school and she doesn't want him around me or our kids. So he made his decision that she was most important. He's not my daughter Meriyahs biological father ( her "Sperm donor" rraped me Nov. 4th 2007) so de is who she knows as her father for he was there through my whole pregnancy and since after. We met in high school he was a Freshman I was a Junior (but I didn't know it at the time when we met I assumed he was the same age lol). He was such as sweetheart was there after every class carried my stuffand made sure I always had a smile on my face. In 2007 when he showed up to the hospital that's when I noticed that's when he changed. So today he also told me that he only stayed around because he felt like it was his fault it happened and it hurt him that he wasn't there to protect me. I no feel so ashamed of myself and of him I always brought it up everyonce in a while asking him if he was with me because he felt he was oblagated to from my rape and it wasn't until now that he was able to openly admit it. I feel used especially after this argument he asked me to make him some coffee and lunch... He could have done this before, I'm 36 weeks and could have the baby at anytime but now I'm going to be alone he said in his words "**** your kids" that's exactly why I haven't bought the baby anything not because I haven't had the money but because I want nothing to do with her or Mer I wouldn't even shed a tear if you lost the baby I would go out and celebrate. I'm devistated and torn I don't understand how someone can say this to someone who who supports them let's you live with them with no obligations (no rent , electric bills, water, food). He even pawned his engament ring ( might I added that I bought for us cuz he could afford it at the time) I took care of this boy when he was sick jobless even in high school when his mom abandon him and his  brothers. For weeks at a time I bought them food so that they wouldn't starve. I gave him my heart completely as I thought he didn't the same. I don't understand if he was the one who wanted to try for another baby ito begin with why he'd do this.